bang.

tonight i learned some things i'd rather not know.

a friend from high school knew i was in town and called me. said he was heading to hang out with one of his other old friends in town, to play games and such, and wanted to know if i'd like to come. we are good friends, and try to always see each other. but it's been awhile. so i thought...heck yes. i don't know these people, but i like meeting new people. and my friend knows interesting people.

seemed risk free.

we arrived and i met this guy, his wife, his grandfather, and his mother.

they're lovely people. they are.

but it's kind of uncomfortable to watch a grown man be spoon-fed by his wife.

his grandfather sat silently on the stairs and watched us while we sat at the table. silently. silently.

and i don't remember why, exactly, but we started talking about his beard. i think it's a new beard. well they were talking about it. i was just sitting there learning that a stranger uses conditioner on his new beard, and sometimes his wife darkens it with eye shadow.

things eventually moved to the living room. we were joined by a dog named peaches.

or, i should say, i was joined by a dog named peaches.

i love dogs, so i didn't mind her sitting in my lap. rolling around, begging for affection. trying to lick my face.

but later when she suddenly jumped onto the couch and started crawling around behind me, i was alarmed. yes. a little. it was then that her owner told me to be careful, because she sometimes becomes too friendly with people, if you know what i mean.

i know that's difficult to read.

but they assured me it would only be to assert dominance, not to mate.

they did have an interesting conversation about a recent trip to greece, though. i decided not to tell them about nashville's stunning parthenon replica.

somewhere in there his mother told us about the time her grandpa's mules caught on fire. not just one, but all of them. it was kind of a puzzling story. and it turned out they did not, actually, catch on fire. but from a distance it appeared that they were in flames.

i think that's it. no wait.

my friend's delightful (and i'm not being a bit sarcastic...TRULY delightful) girlfriend is in medical school. she told us she's unable to eat fritos anymore.

do you want to know why?

DO YOU?

it's because when she saws open people's heads, it smells...

like fritos.

my kin folk.

i called my mom because its my parents 31st anniversary today. she told me the most adorable, charming story about my grandpa.

my grandpa, she says, has never been much of a dog person.

but this did not stop him from rescuing a dog who was being picked on by a pack of other dogs. the dog was so grateful, that it followed my grandpa home on his golf cart. and he decided to keep it.

this dog is some sort of lab, with a reddish coloring.

so my grandpa calls him "red."

now they travel the neighborhood together in grandpa's golf cart, when he's making the rounds.

i love my family.

he's only 56.

my dad's pocket calls me a lot. (A is for Allison!). he has an iphone. don't ask me how that happens. this time he decided we should have an actual conversation.

dad: what are you up to? doing anything fun lately?
me: i'm going camping this weekend.
dad: didn't you already do that?
me: yeah. in july. we're going again.
dad: isn't that where you hurt your ankle?
me: my knee. yeah.
dad: well. i'm sure you'll be more careful.
me: you betcha.
dad: where are you going?
me: this place, about an hour south of here.
dad: what's it called?
me: old stone fort.
dad: huh?
me: old stone fort.
dad: old down fort?
me: old STONE fort.
dad: i don't understand. spell it.
me: s. t. o. n. e.
dad: old spoon fort?
me: STONE. S. T. O. N. E.
dad: old stone fort?
me: thats it!!
dad: that's a weird name.
me: you're right. it is.
dad: it's going to be cold.

the miscommunication was probably made worse by my uncontrolled laughter.

i work for michael scott.

we had our fall teacher inservice training today.

the theme, which has absolutely nothing to do with the seminars, was "toy story." so we were required to dress up like toys. my school decided to dress like jessie, who i'm told is woody's girlfriend. a cowgirl. i brought a bandana. my boss handed me cow-print fabric in the shape of pockets to safety pin onto my jeans. i sat through 7hours of seminars in a costume, for reasons i have not been able to figure out. i saw someone dressed as a jack-in-the-box. lots of girls as different kinds of barbies. someone as a police officer. it was surreal. i was comforted by the fact that jim and pam probably would have been woody and jessie.

the first seminar was partly about how everyone, including children, have different personalities. it opened with a bag of jelly beans being passed around, and we each took one. i reached in, and grabbed an orange one. without looking. then we were told that the colors we chose most likely represented our personality type. false. i would have picked blue. then i had to hold an orange jelly bean for an hour.

one seminar was about ideas for neat toys to put in our centers. the speaker talked about maslow's hierarchy of needs, and how the foundation is security. if kids don't feel safe, they don't do anything. to illustrate this point, she said: "you're the same way. if the fire alarm went off right now, you would leave the building. if i was standing here naked, that wouldn't even keep you in here. you would want to be safe, so you would leave."

yep.

what else?

oh yeah, the interpretive dancing during the "music and movement" seminar.

shrug.

this is going to be so nauseatingly emo. in a robotic kind of way, because that's how i do emotions.

i realized a couple things about myself this week. i'm only going to touch on one. in a vague, cryptic fashion. i wouldn't be allison if i was specific, now would i.

i do a lot of pretending. when i'm feeling sad, or upset, or angry...i pretend that i'm not. for various reasons. mostly because i would rather be happy than sad. i like to avoid pain. who doesn't.

sometimes i choose to be happy in a moment, and to ignore the negative emotions.

but what has happened over time is that i started to pretend with myself. to pretend that i was ok, when i wasn't.

i don't enjoy feeling bad. so i decided not to. i think through my feelings logically. if something makes me feel bad, i tell myself i'm being irrational, or feeling sorry for myself, and i go on with the day.

this can be very useful. so useful.

and so harmful.

it takes a lot of control to not react emotionally to certain situations, and to pretend like i feel great when i don't. years of practice, people. you have no idea how cool i can play it.

putting aside feelings until there's an appropriate time to deal with them is part of life. but i don't enjoy dealing with them, so i don't. i'll have my grown-up "don't cry, be a big girl, deal with this later" moment, but later never comes.

the problem is that i've started pretending even with God, the One who knows all. i assume that because certain thoughts are logical, they are pleasing to God.

feeling sad doesn't pay my bills or serve other people. how very logical.

so a bit of a breakthrough happened yesterday. i went for my first run since i fell down a waterfall and my knee exploded. i felt sad about something. i thought...do something productive. think through this logically, just like every time before. i started thinking through it, and told God that i just didn't want to face this publicly. i told Him i was dreading having to pretend about this in front of people, pretend that i'm fine with it. i've put this same brave face on so many times. i know how hard it is. i don't want to do it again. but i have to.

He said, in His way, i hope you know the way i mean...

"you don't have to pretend right now, though. you're alone right now. there's no one around but you and Me."

away from people. away from my house. away from my job. no need for a brave face.

i finished the test run, which went great, and said "i want to just sit here and not pretend for a little while longer. before i have to go back."

so we sat.

a taco place opened up across the street from my house. today i went there to get a couple tacos. while i was waiting, i heard "you don't have to pretend right now, either." so i stood there and felt sad.

i'm not enjoying the sadness. but i am enjoying the real-ness. the freedom to not pretend. Someone i don't have to pretend with. i think the runs will be good for that. i'm so glad they've been given back to me.

that thing?

i'm just going to jump right into the serious and then make you feel good with some pictures of a baby.

i had a rough weekend in my mind. i was very aware of a few different sins in my life. problems i had created for myself because of them. i just couldn't escape the guilt. fear. anxiety. last night before bed i read the Bible. i opened to Psalms, and read every verse i've ever underlined in Psalms. (that is #1 on a list of reasons why i don't want a new Bible. mine is falling apart, sure, but a new Bible wouldn't have 13 years of underlined verses and notes.)

it's hard to read some of the lovelier verses in the Bible when i'm dealing with sin, because i think "sure. God is a refuge. BUT this is my SIN we're talking about. i'm not being attacked, i'm not a victim. i created this problem." but the Psalms go there.

from Psalm 25...

Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.
Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you are good, O LORD.
Good and upright is the LORD;
therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.

My eyes are ever on the LORD,
for only he will release my feet from the snare.
Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart have multiplied;
free me from my anguish.
Look upon my affliction and my distress
and take away all my sins.

the Word really does wash a person.

then today at work our CD player was broken, so at nap time i had to turn it on a radio station. and the quietest one was a country station. and now i just feel dirty all over again. i cannot stand country music. i'm sorry. i'm not saying those people aren't talented musicians. they absolutely are. they sing beautifully, and play beautifully.

but ugh. say hello to the worst song lyric i've ever heard in my life:

"I remember sayin' I don't care either way
Just as long as he or she is healthy I'm okay
Then the doctor pointed to the corner of the screen
And said, 'You see that thing right there, well you know what that means.'"

then there was the song about the man who held the hand of his wife of fifty years while her heart of gold stopped pumping. why do people find depressing music entertaining? i don't get it. i also don't like the movie "steel magnolias." life is hard enough without spending my free time feeling sad about something that's not real. no thanks.

so how about some baby pictures!!

i thought it would be super fun if i put up pictures of kailey AND my new niece makenna. not as a comparison, no i will not be comparing them. but watch.

the first moment i met kailey (december 2007, 2 weeks old)...




the first moment i met makenna (august 2010, 3 months old)



the first time i held kailey (december 2007)...



the first time i held makenna (august 2010)...



feeding kailey a bottle (may 2008, almost 6 months old)



feeding makenna a bottle (august 2010)




kailey's little feet (december 2007)



makenna's little feet (august 2010)




i love my nieces!!

rich.

yesterday i got back from the big 70th anniversary celebration. those are my adorable grandparents. check out my grandma's tiarra. i think my aunt gave it to her for her 90th birthday a couple years ago, and she decided on her own to whip it out for this occasion.

how do i begin to describe the magic of this weekend?

where phrases like "fine, you can put pants on" and "speaking of quail..." were heard.

where i discovered i have a relative known as the "buzzin cousin."

i guess i'll just start with the story about how my grandparents used to get their farm animals drunk.

i was a little confused about this one. there is a method for preparing the feed for the animals that involves rye, and it eventually ferments. i don't know if it's supposed to do that, but on this occasion, it did. they fed it to the pigs. the pigs lapped it up, began running around in circles, and squealing. my grandma said the next day when they brought the feed out, the pigs wouldn't stop squealing. "i had never seen them so happy!"

there was a cow who was not quite as delighted. my grandpa walked out to find the cow backed up against the fence, as far from the food as possible, with her head hanging on the ground. "we had to milk her right away."

oh, and there was this. my grandma's lawn chair.



seems ordinary enough until you realize it just arrived in the mail one day. or so my grandma says. she didn't order it, or pay for it. it just showed up. my grandpa tried to tell her that "you don't just get lawn chairs in the mail" but she insists that she did.

it's a mystery.

and of course i heard stories i've heard before. about how my dad learned how to walk at 7 months old. or how he was recruited from his sand pile in the backyard to work for a restaurant behind their house, as a "take out the trash" boy. his first job at age 12.

isn't that special.

or about how we're related to alexander hamilton. (we're not, actually, but we're not telling them).

grandma: i got your mom and dad some money, to thank them for all their trouble this weekend.
me: that's really nice of you.
grandma: i'm giving it to them in ten dollar bills. do you know why?
me: because alexander hamilton is on the ten dollar bill.
grandma: yes. aren't you glad we're related to him?
me: i'm so glad.

and then there were the more disturbing pieces of information...

me: so, i know you're the youngest of 12 children. but i can't remember...how many kids were in grandpa's family?
grandma: (darn, she told me, but i forgot already...). but you know, everyone suspected his mom of starving that one baby to death.
me: why did they think that?
grandma: i don't know. she really, really liked your dad.
me: i'm very thankful for that...sounds like a good thing...

it was a fabulous weekend. lots of laughter. lots of baby holding. lots of information. my grandma was engaged to some schlep named albert, before my grandpa. when my grandparents got married, they lived off of $6 a week. my grandma cooked all the food for their wedding. they've lived in the same house for 58 years. my grandpa has miles davis, johnny cash, bob dylan, elvis presley, willie nelson, and others...on vinyl.

pictures of baby makenna tomorrow...

protect your neck.

i started planning a trip to new jersey over labor day weekend.

to see the orange county supertones.

but it's not going to work out.

for at least 4 days, it's all i could think about. you should have seen me sitting here, listening to their music, daydreaming about new jersey. i found a place to stay that is not a hotel. i googled the route. there are A LOT of toll roads on the east side...toll roads are weird.

sigh.

i was in such a strange place since i found out about them. it's hard to explain. i keep saying that. it's like i felt a connection to a part of me that doesn't exist anymore. that's the best i can do.

other news...

i went shopping for a present for my new niece. and my old one.

i was so happy that my little pony, strawberry shortcake, and care bears are making a comeback. but kailey is still too little for that. i really would like her to turn 3, so every toy is not a threat to her life. the choking hazard danger goes away IMMEDIATELY when they turn 3, right?

i ain't no al pacino.

i am terrible at describing things. terrible. whether it's physical pain or a sunset, i can't do it very well.

usually when i have a car problem, i call my dad and he has to work very hard to understand what's wrong. "i don't know, it just sounds weird. like...not the way it should sound. just weird, ok."

come along as i walk you through my internal dialogue on the commute back from work today.

"that...is a weird noise. really weird. what is that. i've never heard anything like that before. not from a car. man, i'm going to have to call my dad and ask him what he thinks. but then he always asks me what it sounds like, and i can never tell him. i have to figure out something to say before i call him. which really should come before any phone call, to anyone, now that i think about it. ugh, that is so weird. it's just on the right side. good! very good! that's probably helpful to know. what does he usually ask? does it sound like it's scraping? no. it does not. what other words are used to describe car noises? squeaking. it's not squeaking. or squealing. this is GOOD. so good. no scraping, squeaking, or squealing. it sounds like air is escaping from something. but..no. it's not. because i've had a couple flat tires, and i KNOW what that sounds like. and feels like. there is nothing wrong with my tires. or my car, really. it's driving fine. SPUTTERING. thats another word. it's not sputtering either. here's a stop light...hm. it's still making that noise...now i'm moving again. it's not louder. so, it is not connected to acceleration or the gas. this is great. of me. not my car. what is that noise?? like something leaking. but not really. it also sounds...watery. like something is leaking air and water at the same time. on the right side. wait. hold on. heh. it's my water bottle."

all that progress for nothing.

other things i can't describe:

the feelings that hit me HARD as i visited the supertones website today. i was looking for something specific that you wouldn't know to look for. i found it. you know that phrase "it hit me like a ton of bricks." that's the closest thing i can think of. but it wasn't bad, or good. i actually pushed myself away from the computer for a minute.

now i'm revisiting their old albums, which i guess i haven't listened to in a long time. longer than i thought.

because i also can't describe what the phrases "all right supertones let's rock" and "add two speakers and a microphone" do to me.

they were more than just a band i listened to. they were distant acquaintances. role models. teachers. influencers. the supertones period of my life encompasses more than music.

i would post lyrics or videos, but you won't know what to feel. or remember. it's weird how feelings can just hit a person. like a ton of bricks.

let me be 16 for a moment.

today something sad happened.

it's going to sound like i'm joking.

but i'm actually sad about this.

a girl i know tagged a picture of me on facebook. the e-mail said the picture was in an album called "supertones 2010."

i would like to refer you to

this post

and scroll down, and read the last bit of text about the last video.

so i went to look at the picture, and sure enough. there were my supertones. on stage. i thought...maybe she just found some old pictures.

but why, why, was the album called "supertones 2010."

terror struck.

i googled.

and discovered.

they had a reunion tour this summer.

the orange county supertones

MY ORANGE COUNTY SUPERTONES

were out there, playing music, without my knowledge.

i don't think you understand. i can't make you understand.

most of the tour was in california. i would have ABSOLUTELY saved money, and gone. by myself. to california. to see the supertones in california...i can't let my mind go there. it has endured enough for one day.

i should have been there, screaming at the top of my lungs, dancing in a way that is only acceptable in a mosh pit, and letting them know...

i. still. love. you.

your music isn't sitting on my shelf, covered in dust. well actually it is, but that's only because i uploaded the songs onto itunes! i brought you with me into the the 21st century. just because you stopped making music, doesn't mean i forgot about you. i could never.

uuuuuggghhhhhh.

elvis shmelvis.

a couple months ago i watched a movie called "cadillac records." it was about a record label in chicago several decades ago. it had this song in it. and highlighted the fact that elvis covered it, and his version was more famous.

a shame. a real shame.

i've also been listening to muddy waters, john lee hooker, and albert king.

my goodness. music isn't made like that anymore.

caliente.

that's from failblog.

things i do not like about august:

- it is the hottest month. i am from texas, and i am used to hot weather. so it's not a shock to my system or anything. but that doesn't mean i enjoy being hot. i hate being cold. i don't hate being hot. but i don't enjoy humidity, or being unable to escape the heat. where i'm from, we have pools. free. pools. you don't have to be a member of a gym to go swim somewhere. each neighborhood has one. that's how you deal with august. but here...there's no way to deal with it.

- because it's so hot, my computer is loud, and slow. it doesn't like being hot.

- a new complaint: i can't exercise at a convenient time, like right after work, because i'd die.

- the children can't go outside. do you know what happens to children when you lock them in a room with each other for 9 hours? bad things. bad things happen.

things i do like about august:

- tomato art festival.

THATS IT.

something happy:

- i just remmebered that earlier i thought "i should listen to some muddy waters later."

so i'm going to go do THAT.

just keeping it real.

i am coveting people's mobility today.

coveting.

i won't let myself look at my running shoes. my beautiful, shiny, orange and pink running shoes. with their comfort, and their support.

lots of people run around where i work, and i'm seriously envious. i can't go run because of my knee injury. i got an issue of runner's world e-mailed to me a few days ago, and couldn't bring myself to read it until today.

but!

it had some suggestions for feet stretches, which i am totally free to do, so i'm going to do those. but we don't talk about feet on this blog.

i talked to a couple friends employed in the medical field, and they have been helpful. one of them is going to show me how to "wrap my knee for compression." they both seem to think that my lack of pain is a good sign. i think i'm annoyed that there is still fluid on my knee, two weeks later. seriously annoyed. apparently i should just give it time. what i want to give it is a sharp jab with a needle, and see what comes out. but i won't. it would be foolish. i know.

i'm going for a test walk this weekend. i am nervous. i don't want my leg to fall off.

i would like to balance all this whining with a list of reasons to be thankful, which is really more like a list of things that could have gone wrong but didn't:

- i was wearing jeans when i fell. which probably prevented me from getting cuts and gashes and stuff.

- i only slid for a few seconds, instead of down the entire path of rocks, which would have landed me in a pool, yes, but a pool full of...more rocks.

- there was a guy in front of me, but he went behind me to help someone else right before i fell. i could have totally wiped him out too. yikes.

- whatever i did to my knee, apparently, could have been much worse. it's not hurting, which would imply torn ligaments or tendons. (i think...i was trying to understand what one of the people taught me about the knee, with a diagram and everything...something about an exploded bursa. my bursa exploded.) it's not red or hot, which would imply infection. i can walk fine, which gives me hope. no problems walking, or squatting, or anything. just a stupid bubble of fluid. stupid bubble.

- i was with a medical someone who knew what to do.

the list goes on, you know. in my mind i'm thanking God for these things, but perhaps that should not just be implied here. thanks, God...

they're mine. be jealous.

my grandparents 70th anniversary party is coming up. everyone is writing down a memory or thoughtful note to put in a scrapbook of some kind. its my goal to bring my grandparents to tears. i want to see sobbing.

this is the letter i wrote. it might be too long. i care not.

background information:

- almost every conversation with them includes a mention of how we are related to alexander hamilton. we are not actually related to him, as my sister found out through research, but they think we are. and they are obsessed with that. obsessed. ten dollar bills are referred to as "grandpa hamiltons."

grab some tissue. if you're not weeping by the end of this, you're dead inside.

As I was trying to figure out what to write for this, I realized that some of my most vivid memories from childhood took place in your house. I remember Grandma picking cucumbers from the backyard, drawing happy faces on them, and calling them our cucumber dolls. I remember Grandpa teaching us how to spin homemade tops in his work shed. I remember writing plays with my sisters in the playroom, and I remember playing George Bush in one of them. I remember playing in your RV, and how much fun it was to just pretend. We did so many simple things at your house, but none of them were ever boring. We didn’t need a TV or a computer to have fun at your house.

I remember listening to the clock in the living room tick as I fell asleep every night. I remember waking up to Grandma making the most delicious biscuits I have ever eaten. I remember how no trip to Oklahoma was complete without dinner at the Golden Corral, and how no trip to the Golden Corral in my hometown was nearly as exciting. I remember listening to you play card games with my parents, late into the night.

I remember how you would always buy us pickles, cottage cheese, and Kicks cereal. I remember telling Dad how I thought you must really like those things, because you always had them. And he told me that you didn’t buy them because you liked them, but because you knew we did. And that’s the kind of thing I love remembering about you. As the years have gone by, I have become more aware of how generous you are. You’re generous in small ways…like buying our favorite kind of cereal, or by sending us money for our birthdays. The small things you do, like cutting out comic strips from the newspaper just to send to me in the mail, mean so much to me. It is a blessing to know I’m always on your mind.

But you’re also generous in big ways. Every time I visit your house, you have neighbors and friends stopping by just to say hello. And I know that’s because over the years you’ve been generous with your time, kindness, thoughtfulness, and love. You have always welcomed people into your home and life. Your 70th anniversary is not just a celebration, but it is an example to me of how to live my life. I hope as I grow older I can learn how to love people the way you do. More people have been blessed during your 70 years of marriage than we will ever know. I hope that we’re able to show you how much you mean to us. I know you talk a lot about how Alexander Hamilton is one of our relatives, and how proud that makes you. But I want you to know I am more proud to call you my Grandparents.

Happy 70th Anniversary!

baby's first camping trip.

i went camping for the first time this weekend!

what it lacked:

- bear attacks
- peeing in bushes or holes in the ground
- rain


what it included:

- waterfalls
- bliss in various forms
- baby's first swollen knee

i'll just get right to it. i sort of fell down the side of a waterfall, unintentionally. there was a legitimate way down, mom. rocks. they were slippery. falling is never graceful or cool, but...that's a pretty great place to fall. it wasn't a sidewalk. i didn't trip over a tree root. i fell down the side of a waterfall. it's the second coolest fall that i know about. it is second only to the time my friend fell down the steps to what is believed to be the tomb of Christ Himself.

i didn't enjoy having my knee swell to the size of three knees, but i did enjoy all the...

time to read. time to hike. time to dangle my feet in water. time with nice people. time to think, and listen, and rest.

laughter, sunshine, shade, tents, crickets, lightning bugs, deer, alphabetical listing of denominations, campfire, campfire music, and overzealous patrol cars.

and i would like to go back.

out of control.

two things today.

i have used up all my groceries for the week, and i'm really excited about it. something always happens to prevent me from using everything, and i feel wasteful. maybe the tomatoes will go bad. or i'll be out too late and not have time or energy to fix my lunch for the next day, so i have to buy lunch that day, while perfectly good food sits in my fridge. (no, fixing it the next morning is not an option, unless you want me or someone else to die). but anyway. it's all GONE. right on time. my lunch and breakfast is fixed for tomorrow, and i always plan something different for friday night. and i knew i was going out of town for saturday and sunday, so...YES. SUCCESS. it feels marvelous. nothing wasted. everything consumed.

i made a special blog for my photo of the day experiment/project. enjoy that if you like. i'd like people to look, but it's also just kind of nice for me. visual documentaion of my day-to-day experiences.

i'm the chief.

snippets.

- i should be sleeping. my bedtime has angered me lately, so i've been ignoring it.

- something you have no way of knowing about me: i have to drink a little bit of cold water before i go to bed every day. it has to be cold. if i've forgotten to put some in the fridge, then i'll stay up an extra 20 minutes while i wait for some to get cold in the freezer. i don't even know why.

- i just finished reading "till we have faces" by c.s. lewis. he's my favorite author. this was not my favorite book. but i can't label it my least favorite either, because nothing he writes could be labeled "least." i can't do it. maybe i'll share quotes on another day. this is snippet day.

- my dinner this week is really awesome. salad: spinach leaves, chicken, dried cranberries. on the side: okra. lots and lots and lots of okra. i can eat it like candy. not fried, mind you. sauteed in a little olive oil, and sprinkled with salt and pepper. dessert after exercise: vanilla yogurt, strawberries, raspberries, and a few dark chocolate chunks. i want it to be 6pm tomorrow, so i can have some more.

- i'm composing a "memory tribute" thing for my grandparents' 70th anniversary memory book. it will have you weeping.

- i want to eat some more okra.

- i tried to make a powerade slushie today. it didn't go well. that's all i'm going to say.

- i started a new project called "photo of the day." i have an album on facebook. check it out. i'm taking a picture of something every day. i'm aiming to do it for a year. but that could be really hard. there's only so many pictures i can take of okra.

my little kingdom.

last night at my neighborhood group, the designated topic of discussion was "eternal security." the belief that once a person is saved, they are saved forever. salvation cannot be lost.

we sort of discussed that, and also sort of didn't. at least not the way i wanted to. not in a passionate, fiery way. conversation was derailed a bit, which i have no problem with. a neighborhood group is the right place for that sort of thing.

but i remembered i have a blog, and can rant about anything i want.

so here i go.

i've always believed that salvation can't be lost. i grew up on the arminian side of things. now that i am on the calvinist side of things, i wonder...what did i base that belief on? i don't have an answer for that.

i do have this great book called "putting amazing back into grace." and here are some quotes on the topic.

"Since God initially gives us the grace to believe in him and to turn from self, why would he not also give us the grace to keep on trusting him? One simply cannot believe in the possibility of losing salvation through moral failure and in salvation by grace at the same time."

"Once God truly changes someone, that person never really wants to undo what God has done!"

"Wouldn't you fear having your eternal destiny hinging on your decision-making ability, an ability that might lead you to commit yourself to a new course one minute and to reject it the next?"

"It is nice to know that you can gauge your life by God's decision for you and not the other way around."

"Sheep do indeed stray from the shepherd. After all, if sheep did not tend to stray, why would they need a shepherd? But notice that the shepherd is always there to bring the sheep back."

"We are unhappy in sin - like fish out of water - if our nature has truly been changed. It is still enjoyable, but eventually unbearable."

those quotes address questions like "what about people who walk away from the Christian life and do things they shouldn't for long periods of time?" they either strayed and need a shepherd to bring them back, or they aren't people who have been changed by grace. "believers." i don't know who falls into what category. that's not something i know. but the reality is that some people aren't really Christians. that's an unpleasant thought. just because it's an unpleasant thought, doesn't make it any less true.

my favorite part of all this, and what we really didn't get to, is Jesus. the reason anyone can be secure is because His acts of dieing on the cross and coming back to life were POWERFUL acts. mighty acts. so powerful and mighty that salvation is secure. to say that salvation can be lost is to say that those acts were weak. this is the passionate, fiery stuff. we are weak. but Christ and the salvation He gives are NOT.

more powerful and mighty than my decisions to stray or sin. this is the good stuff. this is the comfort on my bad days. this is a place to rest.

"Christ 'takes away the sin of the world.' And notice that he does not make the removal of the world's sin possible: He accomplishes it!"

"Dr. Lewis Sperry Chafer said, 'Christ's death does not save either actually or potentially; rather it makes all men saveable.' If that is true, there is no real 'power in the blood.' Rather, the power would seem to be in the will of the creature."

"God's love is intense. It is a discriminate, special, saving love that truly reaches its target." (paraphrase)

"...apart from trusting in Christ there is not even a provision for salvation. But those who do believe have not only a provision and a potential atonement, but an effective redemption that actually accomplishes its purpose."

"The fact that God would choose, redeem, call, and keep a great number known only to him is amazing grace indeed and of infinitely more comfort than the idea that Christ's death actually secured the salvation of none, merely making salvation possible, depending on the ability of those who are 'dead in trespasses and sins' to make the right moves to God."

"The Bible says nothing of potential reconciliation, or a mere provision for reconciliation. Rather, it promises: 'Having been reconciled, we shall be saved' (Rom. 5:10)."

"Why should unbelievers get excited when I tell them, 'God loves you; Christ died for you'? Christ could have died for them; God could have loved them. But what good does that do them if they are all condemned anyway? Those whom the Savior loved and for whom he gave his life are saved! That's a love that achieves its objectives."

If salvation can be lost...

"It is a rather faulty piece of good news, because it is nothing positive; it is a grand uncertainty you have proclaimed to me."

a salvation that is uncertain is no salvation at all.

i really appreciate that the speaker last night took a minute to say that very intelligent, godly people disagree on this topic. i would also like to throw that out there.

ready, set, go.

went shopping for running shoes today.

these are mine, all mine.



brooks. run happy. i think i will.

i don't know why...

and it doesn't make sense...

but they make me want to sing this song.



i think it's because i'm in love.

wrecking ball.

i went to a great show at the ryman last night. a hymn sing. it's complicated to explain, but very neat.

for all my non-nashville readers (all 3 of you) i wanted to make a list of wonderful, wonderful musicians you've never heard of, but should listen to. not all of these were there last night, but seeing the show last night just reminded me of how i have access to so much great music. and most people have never heard it. and i forget that.

i'm basically just looking for their myspace pages, since those always have music. but if you like what you hear, and i'm sure some of it isn't current, then google them or search for them on itunes. and tell me if you do.

to begin,

chelsey scott. she has my dream voice. and my dream hair. she goes to my church and i've met her a few times, but i mostly avoid her so i don't find any more reasons to be jealous of her very existence.

listen to chelsey scott!!

brooke waggoner. she's more well known, actually. there's a better chance you've heard her. but if not...

do it now

and now, just a list.

emily deloach

charlie hardin

matthew perryman jones

annie parsons

haley shaw

matthew smith

jazz for kids!

coal train railroad

flo paris

i'm tired of googling and linking. there are many more. nashville friends, comment with links to the dozens i'm too tired to look up.

i love nashville. i really do.

the fantastic mundane.

i am getting closer to saying "i'm going 'running' today" without using air quotes.

tonight there was supposed to be a free symphony show at centennial park. so i decided to just do a "run" there, and go straight to the symphony. smelling like sweat, yes. at the symphony. sorry mozart. i love you. i do.

well it rained. and even though it stopped raining, they cancelled it. but i was already at the park at that point.

i don't like running there, because it's so crowded, and old men lap me. but i was there.

at the current phase of the plan, i'm "running" in timed intervals. i can't find my actual stopwatch, so i've just been using the stopwatch on my phone.* since it had been raining, i didn't want to use it in case it started pouring again. i don't want to ruin my phone. so i decided to just run for as long as i could, and not worry about doing exact minute-and-a-half intervals.

then i thought...

i wonder if i can run a quarter of a mile...

i've tried before, and been unsuccessful. that was before i was on this training plan.

i tried again today.

and i failed.

four times.

i paused. i prayed.

i did it. fifth time's the charm. isn't that what they say.

it felt good. i laughed. well it was kind of a tired giggle. but there was rejoicing.

*the cell phone stopwatch. don't be fooled. this is not a fancy "app" on a fancy phone. it's a flip phone i've had for 5 years. in addition to making and receiving calls, which is the purpose of a phone, it only does a few extra things. it texts. yes. sometimes it gets picture texts. there's a stopwatch. a caculator. an alarm. and...yeah, that's about it.

chomp.

this is wildly inappropriate.

not really. but it does fall under the category of "too much information."

but it's funny. and don't you come here for all the funnies? i know you don't come here for my late night george orwell rants.

so i went to the grocery store today.

i bought my groceries, and a coupon spit out for me.

for me, specifically.

it was for a product that i only need...once a month.

sure enough, i needed some today, and forgot to buy them.

and it knew. kroger knows me. far too well. initially, i recoiled in horror.

but mostly i'm thankful, because...i did forget.

i also bought a lot of delicious food for this week. listen to my menu.

breakfast: yogurt with strawberries, bluberries, and almonds.

lunch: turkey tacos with pico de gallo, and some cantaloupe to enjoy on the side.

dinner: cereal and a smoothie.

YUM.

the year of my birth.

so it's way after 10pm, and i have digested cold medicine.

but i am thinking very coherently. as far as i can tell.

here is whats on my mind.

there's a website called WikiLeaks. it's a place where people leak information about governments around the world, that they feel the public needs to know.

a few months ago, someone leaked a video about some action in afghanistan, where some U.S. soldiers attacked civilians who weren't doing anything (including children...). they didn't have guns, they were literally just walking down the street. it was released because the families of a couple photographers killed wanted their deaths investigated, and they found out they had been lied to about what really happened.

anyway, that's when i first became aware of the website. it's been around for a few years, apparently. the creator of the site is being hunted down. he travels around from place to place, so his location can't be traced.

i'm really curious to read more on the site.

but at the same time...

i'm actually afraid to. i'm sure visits to the site are being monitored. by my own government.

this feels like something george orwell wrote. except it's real.

afraid to visit a website? this is the opposite of what the founders of our country had in mind for its citizens. they escaped tyranny, because they believed you shouldn't be afraid of your government.

our government is actually trying to scare people away from talking to WikiLeaks, because they're so afraid of secrets getting out.

a government that tries to scare people.

a government that claims to value whistleblowing, actually arrests whistleblowers.

if you're curious about wikileaks, i found a couple quotes from glenn greenwald's blog on salon.com about it:

"Any rational person would have to acknowledge that government secrecy in rare cases is justifiable and that it's possible for leaks of legitimate secrets to result in serious harm. I'm not aware of a single instance where any leak from WikiLeaks has done so, but it's certainly possible that, at some point, it might. But right now, the scales are tipped so far in the other direction -- toward excessive, all-consuming secrecy -- that the far greater danger comes from allowing that to fester and grow even more. It's not even a close call. Any efforts to subvert that secrecy cult are commendable in the extreme, and nobody is doing that as effectively as WikiLeaks..."

"Just in the last week alone, several people have expressed to me fears that supporting or otherwise enabling WikiLeaks could subject them to liability or worse. There's no reason to believe that's true, but given the powers the U.S. Government claims -- lawless detentions, renditions, assassinations even of American citizens -- that's the climate of intimidation that has been created. This latest incident is clearly being used to impede WikiLeaks' vital function of checking powerful factions and imposing transparency, and for that reason alone, this is an extremely serious case that merits substantial scrutiny, along with genuine skepticism to understand what happened."

eye on the prize.

a blog i read about politics and government posted this jon stewart clip today. it's really good, and worth the 8 minutes. it's a great summary of everything i've been learning about lately. issues that i never thought much about before, but have been reading a lot about this year.

and noooo, i do not normally go to jon stewart for my news. the only reason i'm sharing this is because there aren't that many jokes.

i am not an obama hater. i won't listen to any nonsense about "he's not even american!" or "he wants to make america a muslim country!" or anything like that. if you want to discuss obama with me, it can only be about political issues. sometimes i like his decisions, sometimes i don't. i do not agree or disagree completely with any political candidate or person in office. the only person i could agree with completely is Jesus Christ. i also don't think it's possible for someone to be wrong about everything.

but this is about some pretty blatant broken campaign promises.

civil liberties. IMPORTANT.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Respect My Authoritah
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

in other news:

- i talked to my 2.5 year old niece on the phone today. didn't understand most of it. still smiled a lot.

- i have given myself reading assignments, so i can finish more books. this sounds like a punishment, but i am quite thrilled.

- there's much drama at work. not the kind that makes me paranoid about losing my job, just the kind that makes it hard to go to work. my coworkers are pretty negative people. lieing to each other, and about each other. all day long. complaining. manipulating. it can be exhausting. and hard not to complain myself. i left work today worried about what i'm going back to tomorrow. but i'm going to bed remembering that my identity is in Christ. it doesn't matter if they hate me for fake reasons. it doesn't matter if they gossip about me. it's a good place to rest.

- tonight at church we discussed "adoption." i remembered that my dad is adopted. it's interesting to listen to a message about adoption with that in mind. my grandparents are full of love for him, and us. and i also remembered that they are close to celebrating 70 years of marraige. 70. years. because of adoption, that is my heritage. when i tell people about how that's coming up, i don't say "they're going to celebrate 70 years. but they're not my real grandparents, so it's not that big of a deal to me." because of adoption, i'm proud of them. they're my grandparents. i've never felt that we aren't REALLY family.

so that made me think about how incredible it is that i REALLY do belong to Christ, and it's not pretend. it's a REAL relationship. His Father, is my Father. His inheritance is my inheritance. complete. full. family. real family.

i'd still prefer that no one chase me.

running.

the history:

i tried this running plan a year or so ago, and it was miserable. i didn't feel too bad that day (even though i wasn't able to complete the entire first workout), but the next day i had a migraine. i remember laying on the floor at work, unable to move. i barely made it to the store to get medicine without puking.

i gave that up real quick.

if you've ever had a migraine, you understand why i wouldn't want to repeat that 3-4 times a week.

but a couple months ago i walked a half-marathon. and i thought...if i can walk 13.1 miles, surely i can learn to run one.

i like challenges. i like new experiences. i like learning things.

so i've been doing that for a few weeks.

and it's FUN. terrible, terrible fun. i've learned the running secret. it sucks. but then when you're done, it feels amazing.

don't misunderstand. i'm not running a mile yet. i'm learning. someone showed me this plan online, and i've been doing it. it's great. the best part, for me, is that i WANT to keep doing it. it's not just that i'm doing it to be healthy, or i'm doing it because running is cool. neither of those things would keep me going for long. the charm would fade. but not long after i finish each workout, i actually look forward to the next one. and if i go down a new street, or see a new park, i think "that looks like a fun place to run." what a weird, alien thought. for me.

http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml

magic.

it's a plan to run a 5k, but i'm just using it to learn how to run. if i feel strong enough, i might do one in august. but i'm definitely not going to rush through it.

train of thought

this will be scattered. just a warning.

i just a had a revelation.

this has been a weeeeeeiiiiird week. not in content, just in feeling. i was just feeling weird about some things. and down. sad. melancholy. frustrated.

something flipped inside me today, and i'm back to normal.

i posted as my facebook status that i'm out of my funk, and someone asked how i got out of it.

i really thought that my trusty "rational thoughts" got me out of it. and prayer. i knew prayer had to have played a part.

but then i thought more, and realized...

my rational thoughts put me into a funk!

they have never failed me like this before. i think i've only ever used them to get OUT of funks, so that's why they worked well. but this week they really created the problems in my heart. my mind is boggled. realizing that i should have trusted my FEELINGS...WHAT???...is really throwing me for a loop right now.

really, i should have just trusted Christ with my feelings.

but that brings me to my fabulous weekend plans:

grocery shop at whole foods or trader joe's. haven't made up my mind yet.

go RUNNING. which, by the way, is going fabulously. i'll share more details some other time. but i have a recruit now. i'm going to whip her into shape. beat her into submission. because i'm an entire 2 weeks ahead of her...

maybe visit the downtown library. wait, no. country music fans everywhere. ugh.

clean.

organize.

read. i finished a great book. i'm continuing another one.

maybe tune my guitar.

i had a flat tire last week! this is only exciting because the person who helped me change it taught me how to do it myself. i keep wanting a friend to call me, stranded, begging for help.

that reminds me of things that i don't understand.

i don't understand why anyone would drive under the speed limit.

i don't understand certain kinds of unorganization. like if you're making something for a group of specific people, why wouldn't you count or have a list of names with you while you do it?

i don't understand why a person would rip masking tape with their teeth. i understand if it's packing tape. something tough. and no scissors are around. but masking tape?

i can be pretty...critical...

it's my main incentive to never be drunk. i'm pretty sure i'd just be yelling at everyone i know.

PB&J

today i had a teacher inservice training day.

information you need to know before i describe the day:

we each got a pair of these "sunglasses":



i put mine on the floor somewhere, but a lot people put theirs on like this:



just keep that in mind for just a minute.

seminar #1 was "emergency preparedness."

the speaker's primary example was how to handle an anthrax attack.

anthrax.

"whenever i am around a bunch of people, i always have to ask...how should we plan on getting medicine to 1 million people in 40 hours? because 40 hours is all we'd have."

about 45 minutes into learning how we would be completely unable to handle an anthrax attack at a preschool, he stopped and said:

"can y'all put your sunglasses on your face? i just want to see what everyone looks like with those sunglasses on!"

and then continued with the lecture. he did let us know that if we need information about how to handle emergencies, we could check the internet. the internet has a lot of information.

seminar #2 was "science in the classroom"

one quote from the speaker.

"i am extremely buoyant."

seminar #3 was "music and movement"

i knew we were headed for trouble when i saw her ear microphone. whenever someone wears one of those, you know they plan on wandering enthusiastically through the room.

and when she said the words "i've been told it's my job to keep you awake after the lunch break!"

i don't care to describe the singing and dancing that followed.

seminar #3 was "camping projects"

i learned a new joke.

if you're an american before you go in the bathroom, and you're an american when you come out of the bathroom, what are you INSIDE the bathroom?

european.

well, what must be must.

today's accomplishments:

i balanced my checkbook before i even went to the bathroom this morning. i woke up with a purpose, apparently.

i did laundry, including my bed sheets.

i went to the art fest. i enjoyed wandering around in the fresh air. and looking at art.

i went to a new coffee place today to read. i read 40 or so pages of "kidnapped" by robert louis stevenson.

i gave my smoothie maker a little scrub to rid it of dust because it's SUMMER. it's smoothie time.

good parts of my week:

live music. chelsey scott. crystal thomas. an unexpected evening of LIVE MUSIC. my favorite kind of music.

an arrested development viewing with acquaintances. laughter.

all i can think about:

our hot water heater is broken again.

things are weird at work because of the firings.

relationships: fight or flight? fight or flight?

found.

parent/teacher conferences are this week. which means when i get off work, i don't get to leave. i have to hang around and entertain myself until it's time.

today i went to borders. i did not buy anything.

allison: 1
borders: 10,000,000

i was planning on reading a chapter in a book i have, i just didn't have it with me. but they didn't have it either. so then i started trying to find the worst christian books ever written.

#1

bod 4 God

a christian weight-loss plan.

#2

no more christian nice girl

um. it has something to do with...not being good, but then also...being good.

#3

the gospel according to lost

the only chapter title i can remember is "Jesus wrote a best-seller."

so, lost. i've seen every episode. but i lost interest when they started talking about time travel. as soon as i realized there would be no rational explanation for the mysterious island, i checked out. i keep watching because i hate leaving things unfinished. and tonight's episode was the worst ever. other people say that, and they say it like "it was the worst! ahh! they're so cruel to us! yay!" but what i mean is...i really kind of hate it. there are HUGE HOLES in this story, and it bothers me that they haven't even addressed them with some nonsense about...time travel.

a tribute

because of the weather in nashville i wasn't able to fly and see my little sister graduate from college.

laura is really cool. she's going to be a personal trainer. even though she doesn't know anything about chia seeds.

she used to poo all over herself in her crib. every morning my mom would go into her room, and there'd just be poo everywhere. and there would be laura...right in the middle of it.

she played softball from a very young age through her first couple years of college. she's a pitcher. she could have been in the olympics, if she had tried out like i told her to. now they took softball out of the olympics, and she'll never aspire to anything.

except.

a funny

kind

thoughtful

smart

amazing

little sister

of me.

one of my few life regrets is not going to see her play softball more when i was in high school. sometimes i couldn't go because i was working. mostly i was just selfish. that's why i was extra upset at missing her graduation. it's just one more part of her life i didn't get to see. this time it wasn't my fault. but she's so cool. i wanted to be there.

she is really talented. i'm not just saying that. i'll tell you who is not talented at sports, and that's my sister emily*. i'm just saying that to prove that i can be objective. i could beat emily at any game, with one hand tied behind my back. and i'm not even good at sports myself. she's just that bad. and laura is really as good as the olympics.

laura is going to be an incredible personal trainer. and she graduated college. and i'm proud of her.

*emily is good at other things, like painting walls and hanging up curtains. just kidding, emily. (she's an interior designer). but i would definitely call her an artist. come and see the drawing she made me of the ryman. she probably did it with one hand tied behind her back. she's like van gogh. and i'm not just saying that. i'll tell you who is not an artist, and that's my sister sarah.

conversation with a 92 year old.

called my grandma for her 92nd birthday.

she's a champ.

what you should know is this set of grandparents thinks we're related to alexander hamilton. we are not. my sister found out this week on ancestry.com or something. we're not telling them. they've claimed that heritage for their whole 70-year marraige. they send me letters with ten dollar bills, and call them "grandpa hamiltons." they bring it up...OFTEN. and his name has been inserted into our family tree without any connection to anyone around him.

snippets:

me: isn't it your birthday today?
grandma: yes it is! i'm 92!
me: i know! how are you feeling?
grandma: like a million dollars.
grandpa: ALLISON?
grandma: not so loud!
grandpa: i just need to ask her one thing.
me: hey grandpa!! how are you?
grandpa: say, have i ever given you a copy of the family tree?
me: you have not.
grandpa: ok. i'm going to give you one when you come to visit us, if you want one.
me: i would love a copy of the family tree.
grandma: have we ever told you who is on our family tree? tell her grandpa.
grandpa: well, it's alexander hamilton.
me: really.
grandpa: yes, he's on the ten dollar bill.
me: how about that.

----

grandma: well our adopted family on this street has the cutest little baby girl. they bring her over every now and then.
me: oh yeah? what's her name?
grandma: hmm. let me think. grandpa do you know?
grandpa: no. it's been 2 weeks. i can't remember that long.
grandma: she has the prettiest blue eyes, though.

----

me: how have you been feeling lately?
grandma: well i'm still cancer-free. i'm not a very swift walker anymore, though.
me: well, i think that's ok.
grandma: do you hear that?
me: hear what.
grandma: that's our clock chiming. it chimes every hour.
me:...cool.


---

grandma: when you come to visit, you need to take something with you.
me: what am i taking?
grandma: you just need to have a look around our house and take something. nobody ever takes anything home with them.

FALSE. check out this gem i swiped a few years ago.



now that i have her permission, i'm going to find something equally horrifying and strange to bring back with me next time. maybe a ceramic clown.

skeptic.

i was just chuckling as i reflected on the conversations leading up to the flooding. so i'm sharing them.

saturday.

it rained, and rained. i LOVE rain. so i grabbed my books and went to ugly mugs to read and watch the rain.

a friend texted me something like "i heard the world was ending in nashville, are you ok?"

and i texted back something like "yeah! i love storms!"

internal dialogue: weird.

a few minutes later my roommate called me to make sure i wasn't on the interstate because "cars are floating down the interstate."

internal dialogue: i wonder what that really means..

me: cars are...floating down the interstate?
her: yeah. i just wanted to check on you.
me: what?
her: the interstates are flooding.
me: WHAT? i don't understand.
her: people are trapped, they're climbing over the medians are trying to get away.
me: what??
her: yeah, it's crazy. we decided not to go anywhere.
me: what?

i can't remember what i was picturing in my mind, but it wasn't a flood. i still didn't believe she meant "flood." not that i think she's a liar. like i would live with a known liar.

i kept reading. it was the last few articles of the federalist papers. i had momentum on my side. i had to finish while my brain was still comprehending.

when i got back, i just remember standing there and saying "what?" a million more times. and expressing confusion because the sections of the interstate that i drive on are so far above ground. "aren't the interstates, like, above ground?" i asked.

it has been so very bizarre. even when i was helping one family bail water out of their basement, i still wasn't thinking "FLOOD." because the streets around their house were fine. but then i started seeing the pictures of downtown.




then i remembered the one other flood i've been through. it was in the 90's. i was a tiny person. so here's what my child mind remembers. lots of free sandwiches at my church. with really good turkey. we were helping people, we weren't the victims. this woman my mom knows was very upset. she kept saying "my pitchers, my pitchers. they're all gone. my pitchers." and i thought "i wonder why she's so sad about her dishes."

later on in life i realized she meant "pictures."

234

i finally finished the federalist papers.

it has been so interesting to see how what they hoped and planned for just...did not play out. because human beings were responsible for carrying the plans out, and human beings are corrupt.

it was also interesting to read about some rights that have been ignored in recent years. rights that have not been protected.

ugh.

some final quotes:

"No legislative act, therefore, contrary to the Constitution, can be valid. To deny this would be to affirm that the deputy is greater than his principal; that the servant is above his master; that the representatives of the people are superior to the people themselves; that men acting by virtue of powers may do not only what their powers do not authorize, but what they forbid."

"A Prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people."

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness. - That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. - That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it; and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness...But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object, evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security."

ron paul 2012.
http://www.campaignforliberty.com/
just saying.

a stick.

my foot is 90% better. but i don't want to make it worse so i'm still taking it easy.

i am pleased to discover that i miss walking. not just walking, but exercising. challenging myself. i really enjoyed having a training plan. i'm the kind of person who likes to be organized. i like to follow rules and schedules.

i'm going to learn how to run now. i found a plan online. it breaks you in gradually. builds you up to a 5k over a period of a few months.

i went to fleet feet today just to look at prices of shoes. i'm not going to drop $150 on shoes before i even give running a shot. but i'm a planner. another smart person told me that running shoes should be a size larger, so if this works out...i'd need bigger shoes.

the guy told me about their fitting process. he used the phrase "the naked foot" and i almost threw up. they want. to touch. my feet. that will be the 5 most uncomfortable moments of my life. it will only take 5 minutes, right? it's not going to happen today. don't worry about it today, allison.

the darndest things.

girl 1: here's barbie's dress.
me: where's barbie? i don't see her.
girl 2: she's in the trash can. *continues playing with dolls*
me: did you put her in the trash can?
girl 2: yes.
me: we've only been here 30 minutes. where did you say barbie is?
girl: in the trash can.
me: *looks in trash can* yeah, it's empty. did you put her in the trash can today, or yesterday?
girl: i put her in the trash can after snack time.
me: that was yesterday. today, barbie is gone.

-----

girl: *crying, so much crying*
me: why are you sad? can you tell me with words?
girl: *even more crying*
me: i need you to tell me with words why you're sad, so i can help you.
girl: my eyes are broken.
me: well. thank you for using words. i don't know what that means. do you want a sticker?
girl: yeah!!
me: great.

i have failed them.

i was too tired and unaware (and drenched, and in pain) to check my time right after the half, but they e-mailed it to me today. we came in five whole minutes UNDER my goal. i thought we might have finished 10 minutes over the limit, and been disqualified. because of my limping, and our brief stop at the "shelter" to avoid a tornado. so considering those two factors, i'm really pleased with how we kept up our pace. we walked faster than we ever did in training, and didn't even slow down.

enough about that. it's old news. moving on.

i'm such a bad teacher.

we sing songs all the time. i usually ask them what they want to sing at circle time (sounds precious, doesn't it...), and then we sing it. today i decided to throw it right back at them and see if they could sing it by themselves. here is how that went.

Five Little Monkeys

the actual lyrics:

five little monkeys, jumping on a bed
one fell off and bumped his head
mama called the doctor and the doctor said
"no more monkeys jumping on the bed!"

etc.

me: okay, you sing it! how does it go?
boy: two monkeys. jump, jump, jump!
me: ok. we'll start with two. how many are there now?
boy: two monkeys. jumping, two monkeys!

The Bumblebee Song

the actual lyrics:

i'm bringing home a baby bumblebee
won't my mommy be so proud of me
i'm bringing home a baby bumblebee
ouch! it stung me!
i'm squishing up a baby bumblebee...
ew! it's all over me!
i'm wiping off a baby bumblebee...
etc.

me: the bumblebee song! good choice. how does that one go?
children: *silence*
me: i'm...bringing...home...
girl: i want my baby bumblebee. *sad face*
me: *confusion*

Rain, Rain, Go Away

me: take it away, kids.
boy: rain, go away, GO AWAY! NO! GO AWAY!

well.

no blood was shed today. there's that, at least.

13.1

what a day.

the strange highlights:

there was a guy dressed as a samurai.

there was someone wearing a dunder-mifflin race for the cure shirt. which wasn't strange. just awesome.

before the race, we walked over with my friend's dad. we saw a dead squirrel. he declared it an omen. "for other squirrels, i mean. not for us..."

i did not slip on a banana peel, but i almost did. that only happens in cartoons! or so i thought. until i almost slipped on one. it was a nice surprise to get fruit along the way, though! it made me want to throw up, but...it was nice.

the mile-by-mile breakdown:

if you're already bored, skip ahead to mile 9. that's where it got interesting.

they started the race early, because of the bad weather. but it was super exciting being in line. so many people. the news said 36,000. i can't explain how it felt to cross the start line. it was just...exciting. happy. FUN.

ok.

- miles 1-2

we were walking fast. passing people left and right. it felt good. this part really is boring.

- miles 2-4

at this point, we saw the runners in front go under the bridge we were crossing. they were doing their last 3 miles, as we were doing our first 3. i tried not to think about how we had 3 more hours until we'd be there. but i was really impressed with them.

- miles 5-7

we passed belmont! my alma mater. and saw four friends cheering for us. i didn't realize how much of an energy boost that really could be. thanks, friends.

- mile 8

felt tired. felt sore. i thought we were going slower, but i kept looking at the clock and we were still on pace. i think this was the point where i felt too tired to pray for strength anymore. i have probably only addressed the Holy Spirit directly a few times in my life. i kind of forget He's there. sorry, dude. but i did around this time. i remembered He intercedes for us. "Jesus, can you keep praying for us? i can't. wait, no...the Holy Spirit...yeah! that's what You do! thaaanks..." and i felt grateful to belong to such a weird God. 3 in 1. such a weird, loving, strong God. i like to pray, but i kept praying about how much it hurt, which meant i kept thinking about how much it hurt...so i was really thankful to know i was still being prayed for. by God. to Himself.

- mile 9

it was at this point that a blister began to form on the bottom of my foot. as usual. and it was also at this point that the police began telling us to abandon the course voluntarily, because of a tornado watch. walking in the rain was not annoying. but having people tell you that you aren't safe...kind of nerve-wracking.

- mile 10

there was a small "shelter" that people were being directed to. we decided to stop. the guy in charge pulled up a weather map, and told us tornado weather would be in our area in half an hour. this part is kind of confusing. i still don't understand it. he told us that another shelter was 30 minutes away, if we wanted to go for it. we decided to go for it. i figured that meant we wouldn't be allowed to finish, so i wanted to get as far as i could. i felt a surge of energy, and we walked quickly...for about a mile...

- mile 11

rain fell harder. wind blew. FEET HURT BAD. "where, oh where is the shelter? maybe this is a good thing that we won't be able to finish. i do not feel good."

- mile 12

the limping began. i don't know what they thought they were directing us to, but we were headed to the finish. we slowed down majorly, because of me. i could see the stadium, and hear the cheering. but oh. my. gosh. that last mile was killer.

- mile 13.1

i FINISHED. i still can't believe it. so much pain towards the end. and a tornado didn't eat us. we got a medal! i didn't know we were going to get one. i'll do anything for a medal. we had to keep walking (uuuuuggghhh) to get to a place where our ride could pick us up, but we found a covered spot and sat down out of the rain. and all the pain felt worth it. it was FUN. terrible, terrible fun. i can see why people do these in different cities. i loved seeing my city like this, but it would also be fun to see others. 13.1 MILES, y'all. walking it isn't cool enough to get one of those stickers for my car, but i might wear my medal to bed. i like doing things i've never done before. i walked a half-marathon. i finished it. around mile 9 i thought i might never do it again. but when it was done, i knew immediately i had stumbled onto a new, expensive addiction. maybe next time i'll cross the starting line RUNNING. that'd be fun too.

33044

the half-marathon is tomorrow.

concerns:

- i don't know if i can do it. 11 miles is the farthest i've gone. it hurt. i had to stop for 2 weeks because of my "injury." which was the right decision. but it set me back. i did 6 miles after i came back, and my ankle hurt bad after 4-5 miles. when i did 11 miles the next weekend, it hurt after 9. so that shows improvement. but it's still an issue.

- i don't know if we can do it fast enough.

- i've been battling a throat thing all week. it was OK, but now it is not ok. now it hurts. and i don't want to wake up feeling weak in other places. like my lungs. or my legs.

- the weather. if they don't let the walkers finish i will be inconsolable. just don't even talk to me.

- we are in the last corral. that wouldn't bother me at all if we weren't trying to outwalk a tornado.

- to eat gel or not to eat gel. there is no consensus.

but i am incredibly excited.

i am ready for my stroll across this city that i love.

speaking spanish.

i'm going to have to write in a vague, cryptic fashion today.

i don't want any crazies finding this blog because of a current news event i'm going to be referencing. so pay attention!

you know that lady who "got" a kid from that "place" that isn't america, and then made him go back?

are you with me.

i made two discoveries at work today that seem extra interesting because of that story.

there is a new student in the 4-5 year old class from that same place. her parents "got" her in the same way just a few weeks ago. she doesn't speak any english. not one word. she's four. and terrified.

as it turns out, there is ANOTHER four year old in her class, from that place, and she speaks that language fluently. so whenever the new girl gets scared, the other little girl speaks that language to her to try and help her not be confused.

isn't that the greatest coincidence?

in other news,

our substitute who is from africa, and speaks with a lovely french accent, was there today. she knows i'm from texas, and tried to convince me to marry her brother in texas. he has a lot of money, she said persuasively.

and,

we got our information sheet about the inservice training we have every may and september. we're bound for an indoor camping adventure, apparently. i'm waiting for the day when they remember we're adults, and don't have to be tricked into showing up for mind-numbing seminars. that are mandatory. that's a day of training i won't dread.

another round, please.

breaking two major blogging rules. writing after 10pm, and writing under the influence of cold medicine.

i read a lot of different books, you know. different genres. harry potter. economics. jane austen. shakespeare. i'm about to read "kidnapped" by robert louis stevenson. i don't know why, but i feel like this is a "random" choice. i don't know if it's possible to have a random choice when i read so many different kinds of books, but it feels random. maybe because it's not a more famous book of his, like treasure island. i think i got it because the first line on the back says something about "bloody family quarrels." i want to read me some of that.

i forgot to mention that i made a really exciting discovery a couple weeks ago. i hate cats. i already knew that. but i discovered i'm allergic. i already kind of knew that too. my mom always told me i was, because my dad is too. me and my dad share ailments. so that means we never had a cat, which means i never really knew if i was or not. but a couple weeks ago i was at someone's house, and my eyes started itching and watering real bad. she asked if i was allergic, and i said "yeah...i think its ok though. i don't think it'll be bad, with swollen eyes or anything. i don't really know." and she said "well. your eyes are swelling up. i'll get you some medicine."

ha! turns out my mom was right. it's not that i thought she was making it up, i've just never been around a cat long enough, i guess.

what i'm saying is, keep your cats away from me. i now have a valid reason to make that request.

and here's a deeper thought. i constantly struggle with people's perception of me. i don't care if people don't like me, as long as their reasons are accurate. factual. if you don't like my sense of humor...fine. if you think i'm too quiet...fine. but if someone doesn't like me because they've misunderstood something i've said, or something like that, it really bothers me. i want to correct the misunderstanding, and after that i don't really care. i just want the facts on the table. i am bothered by some people viewing me through false filters. some people think i'm unintelligent, so they hear everything i say through that filter, and as a result...hear things wrong.

and i had a conversation with someone about a different issue, but something she said stuck with me. she just reminded me that my identity is in Christ, so it doesn't matter if i've been misrepresented. and i left that conversation feeling better.

but i've been thinking more about it. if the misunderstanding, or whatever, goes on without correction...doesn't that harm the community i'm part of? in the long run? because the relationship isn't what it could be. if you give me the benefit of the doubt, or let me talk long enough to clarify, or whatever...the relationship grows. but if you continue thinking things about me that aren't true...how is that good for the community?