shrug.

this is going to be so nauseatingly emo. in a robotic kind of way, because that's how i do emotions.

i realized a couple things about myself this week. i'm only going to touch on one. in a vague, cryptic fashion. i wouldn't be allison if i was specific, now would i.

i do a lot of pretending. when i'm feeling sad, or upset, or angry...i pretend that i'm not. for various reasons. mostly because i would rather be happy than sad. i like to avoid pain. who doesn't.

sometimes i choose to be happy in a moment, and to ignore the negative emotions.

but what has happened over time is that i started to pretend with myself. to pretend that i was ok, when i wasn't.

i don't enjoy feeling bad. so i decided not to. i think through my feelings logically. if something makes me feel bad, i tell myself i'm being irrational, or feeling sorry for myself, and i go on with the day.

this can be very useful. so useful.

and so harmful.

it takes a lot of control to not react emotionally to certain situations, and to pretend like i feel great when i don't. years of practice, people. you have no idea how cool i can play it.

putting aside feelings until there's an appropriate time to deal with them is part of life. but i don't enjoy dealing with them, so i don't. i'll have my grown-up "don't cry, be a big girl, deal with this later" moment, but later never comes.

the problem is that i've started pretending even with God, the One who knows all. i assume that because certain thoughts are logical, they are pleasing to God.

feeling sad doesn't pay my bills or serve other people. how very logical.

so a bit of a breakthrough happened yesterday. i went for my first run since i fell down a waterfall and my knee exploded. i felt sad about something. i thought...do something productive. think through this logically, just like every time before. i started thinking through it, and told God that i just didn't want to face this publicly. i told Him i was dreading having to pretend about this in front of people, pretend that i'm fine with it. i've put this same brave face on so many times. i know how hard it is. i don't want to do it again. but i have to.

He said, in His way, i hope you know the way i mean...

"you don't have to pretend right now, though. you're alone right now. there's no one around but you and Me."

away from people. away from my house. away from my job. no need for a brave face.

i finished the test run, which went great, and said "i want to just sit here and not pretend for a little while longer. before i have to go back."

so we sat.

a taco place opened up across the street from my house. today i went there to get a couple tacos. while i was waiting, i heard "you don't have to pretend right now, either." so i stood there and felt sad.

i'm not enjoying the sadness. but i am enjoying the real-ness. the freedom to not pretend. Someone i don't have to pretend with. i think the runs will be good for that. i'm so glad they've been given back to me.