'tis the most stressful time of the year.

the next 6-7 weeks of work are going to be super stressful.

in february we have our annual evaluation. we don't know what day yet, but should find out soon.

we only have to have a certain score to pass, but if we don't get a score higher than that...we probably lose our jobs. even though we passed.

there are so many unpredictable factors. no amount of preparation can control 2 year olds.

there are about 100 rules to be aware of all day. not exaggerating. there are so many categories we get scored on, but they all overlap.

tonight i brought back the book of how we get scored, and made a bunch of lists of rules to make it easier to understand for my co-teacher. she's new to this process. we've been working on some of them, but there's just so much...we need to hang up reminders all over the room.

it's hard for me to not worry about this. but i'm so thankful for how God helped us last year. only 3 rooms get chosen, and mine has been picked 2 years in a row. last year i was praying "please don't let us be picked. please." over and over, from the moment i woke up until i got the call that said we were picked. and then i cussed.

but while we were waiting for that call, i remember being aware of how calm things were going so far. which is not normal. and a few things were going well that usually don't go well, and i felt like God was saying "don't worry...I'm going to help you..." and i was thinking "i don't care...i'm asking You to not let this room be picked...that's what i'm asking..."

it's so revealing. every time i start to worry about it again, it's another reminder that my sense of security comes from my job...and not from Christ like it should.

and when i read the old testament, i see how whenever the Israelites worry about something, God says "but REMEMBER what I've done. I brought you out of Egypt. I did this. I did that. REMEMBER??"

so for the next 6-7 weeks (and for the rest of my life), i'm going to work on remembering and trusting. it's hard. no matter how hard i prepare, i can't control it. i'm not good with uncertainty or lack of control. but God is. remind me of that, please.

check out the very condensed, incomplete lists of rules we're going to be working on:



yes. i made them on construction paper.

i just counted. that's 75 rules right there. so we have well over 100 rules. that have to be obeyed, in part, by 2 year olds.

i'm worrying again, aren't i.

too bad this 2 year old isn't in my class, since she's PERFECT.

the mundane.

- trip over. i'm back.

- i hate continental express jets. they make me feel sick. they're really hot. and my ears hurt every time i fly on them. it takes an hour or so for me to hear well again. and the woman next to me threw up. so no, it's not just me.

- i had to park in long-term parking. when i took the shuttle back to my spot, a mom by herself with her 2 year old got on. with two huge bags of luggage. i helped her with them, and felt like...a gentleman. not one man offered to help her! that would not happen in texas. i helped her. it's not that i think it's the men who have to do it, it's just that they always do in texas. without hesitation. the Christian guys here do, usually. but in texas...they all do.

- my vague new year's resolution is that i am not putting any of my cards on the table.

- my public new year's resolution is that i will continue seeking good news sources. i have been reading glenn greenwald on salon.com, and it's been so great. he is not perfect, but he finds things to praise and criticize about "both sides" in politics. and since i'm a "no side" kind of a person, i find that refreshing. but i need more than one source. everyone does.

- monday. sigh.

my kind of lullabye.

Christmas Eve:

- last night i got to fall asleep to the soothing sounds of a thunderstorm. a texas thunderstorm. they are, of course, more magical. i sleep like a baby in thunderstorms, because i grew up with them. i'm glad this trip included one.

- my dad has the day off, and he chose to watch garfield. he was also laughing hysterically when my sister watched bewitched. the movie. you never know what will make him laugh. he's a very serious man. but whenever he sees something he thinks is funny, he can't hold back. it's always unexpected. love it.

- i mentioned yesterday that i'm going through a "surprise" phase. last night i wrapped presents and remembered this is not so new. for several years now, i have been leaving labels off the presents i wrap so my siblings won't know which one is theirs, and therefore...cannot guess what it is. to preserve the surprise! AND, when we were younger, my mom let each of us pick one present to unwrap on Christmas eve. i never did. i saved them all.

- Christmas threw up in this house. everything is red and green, santa themed, or sparkly. this is not your normal Christmas decor. i'm sitting next to a tissue box, which has a knitted red and green cover. there are nutcrackers, gingerbread men candles, musical trinkets, and four sleighs with different functions all within eyesight.

- i am looking forward to the service tonight, even though it takes place in a church with a culture that is the opposite of the one i attend. it's the main event for me this year. this year i have felt renewed wonder and excitement about what happened that day in that stable...

day two.

today's highlights:

- my little sister says "happy Christmas adam" the day before Christmas eve, and apparently, i'm the only loser who needed that explained to them.

REALLY?

- when people go "home" they usually have deep thoughts about how everything is the same.

i am always surprised by how many changes take place. i have absolutely no idea how to work my parents' microwave or oven. no idea. they even showed me once, and i still can't figure it out. when i went to get water out of the refrigerator door, it spilled all over the floor because it came out of a place i did not expect.

they always have little remodeling projects going on. apparently, all those years with children around were holding them back. they're ready to get back to their own lives now that they have a mostly empty nest.

- one of my high school friends has lost over 100 pounds. awesome!

- i am so allergic to houston.

- cable tv has so much programming. how do i ever pass the time without it? (stay tuned for my end of the year book report...a list of all the books i read this year...)

- i've actually become more out of tune with our culture of technology than my own parents. they have a DVR. my mom has a laptop. i don't. my dad has an iphone. i don't even have an ipod.

- i am going through a surprise phase. i just went to dinner with a friend, and told her not to tell me where we were going. i hope this is not just a phase, but a new lifestyle.

- our dog, angel, is blind. "was angel excited to...sense you...when you got here?"

Christmas eve awaits.

first impressions.

back in texas.

the facts so far:

the church i grew up in is giving away a puppy during the Christmas eve service. not sure why.

my mom spelled the word "crap" instead of actually saying it.

and then, i saw my 26 year old friend on gmail (his age is totally relevant):

me: i am in texas
Ford: what?
where?
for how long?
me: until sunday morning
Ford: well
i will probably not be able to see you
me: lame
i figured as much
Ford: =(
me: where the hell are you
Ford: unless you want to drive down to see me on christmas eve!
in the play i'm in!
i am a sheep
me: pass.
wait
what
Ford: my breakout performance
people will be talking about it for years to come
me: more details. please.
Ford: the theater as we know it will be irrevocably changed
i play a sheep
me: i don't doubt that
Ford: one of many, but, you know
me: you're in a Christmas play? as a sheep?
how did this come to be
Ford: i'm really the focus
me: the sheep usually are.
Ford: well, there is a christmas play
with animals
some of which are sheep
i am one of those
Ford: i baa
and jump around
me: are you, like, on all fours?
Ford: not at the moment
nor in the play
me: why not get little children to do this
how can you be a sheep but not be on all fours
Ford: i am a pretty clever sheep
me: i'm so confused
Ford: i have figured out bipedal locomotion
me: but why. why are you a sheep who stands.
is this like...a comedy?
Ford: to teach people about jesus, obviously
i guess
me: it has to be
what are you wearing
Ford: in the play?
white sweatsuit and a mask
black socks
me: this is so strange.
your church is putting on a funny Christmas play?
Ford: you're missing out
yeah
why is that strange
it will bring joy to an otherwise bleak holdiay
me: Christmas is a bit of a downer.
promises kept, prophecies fulfilled
Ford: yeah
who wants that?
not the jews!

texas.

surreal.

awesome.

i prefer elizabeth bennett.

i just finished reading "passion and purity" for the fourth time.

the last 3 times i read it, i was held captive by some crush on a guy. 3 different guys. probably. so i'd read it, because it's such a sweet love story. and i'd be like "awwwwww that's soooooooo great."

oh, younger allison. how different you were.

but this time i had a different reason to read it.

i've mentioned that i am thinking through the consistent war that rages inside me...the tension between reason and emotion. i think through life logically. i deal with my emotions rationally. i reason them away. but i'm not always sure this is best. and i think this book speaks to that. i hope for different things, and tend to silence the hope.

the book very much talks about acknowledging those hopes and trusting God with them. i think my habit of being rational is sometimes a form of not trusting God. i'm trusting my own ability to reason.

so, here are some great quotes about that very subject.

"I do know that waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within onself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one's thoughts. It is easy to talk oneself into a decision that has no permanence - easier sometimes than to wait patiently."

"Taken in a spirit of trust, even loneliness contributes to the maturing of character, even the endurance of separation and silence and that hardest thing of all, uncertainty, can build in us a steady hope."

"It would be the easy road if the desire itself simply disappeared."

"If the yearnings went away, what would we have to offer up to the Lord?...How would we learn to submit to the authority of Christ if we had nothing to submit?"

"The disposition...to leave the dearest objects of our hearts in the sublime keeping of the general and unspecific belief that God is now answering our prayers in His own time and way, and in the best manner, involves a present process of inward crucifixion which is obviously unfavorable to the growth and even the existence of the life of self." - T.C. Upham

"Besides this, there is the somewhat philosophical realization that actually I have lost nothing. We may imagine what it would be like to share a given event and feel loss at having to experience it alone. But let us not forget - that loss is imagined, not real. I imagine peaks of enjoyment when I think of doing things together, but let not the hoping for it dull the doing of it alone. What is, is actual - what might be simply is not, and I must not therefore query God as though He robbed me - of things that are not. Further, the things that are belong to us, and they are good, God given, and enriched. Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living."

"Obedience involves for us, not physical suffering, perhaps, nor social ostracism as it has for some, but this warring with worries and regrets, this bringing into captivity our thoughts. We have planted (in our integrity) the banner of our trust in God. The consequences are His responsibility."

"I was wishing that my wishes were what God wished, and if my wishes were not what God wished, I wished that I could wish that my wishes would go away, but the wishes were still there."

number three

i forgot to tell a short story about my trip to texas last weekend.

part 1:

i remembered to pack my socks, a necklace, pajamas, cell phone charger, kailey's present, camera, and everything except...a change of clothes. how sad. i had this super cute outfit i wanted to wear, and didn't even pack it. so i had to wear the same outfit all weekend.

shrug.

part 2:

we had to drive a few hours from houston to my older sister's house.

i got bored on the drive, so i started rifling through my little sister's things. usually i start poking and pinching her, so this was a change of pace.

first thing i pulled out of her large bag that she brought for our DAY TRIP, was...a mirror.

um. what?

she said it's because it's hard to see the back of her head when she straightens her hair. so i can only assume there was also a straightener in there somewhere.

then i pulled out a bottle of perfume.

perfume for a 2 year old's birthday party.

maybe she was hoping one of the other kids would show up with their single uncle?

here's what i want to know.

how are we so different?