my obsessions don't usually last this long

i found a video of ben sollee playing live.

i cannot contain my excitement.

he has moved from being a "temporary obsession" to being my "favorite artist." it's a big deal. ask anyone who knew me in high school. want to know who my favorite was then? the orange county supertones. i'm not ashamed.

in college i just had a series of temporary obsessions.

anyway...i put ben's name in on youtube. i like live music more than recorded music. it's hard to explain why. and since i can't actually go see him live right now, i can at least watch him play live music.

this is one of my favorite songs. he plays it a thousand times faster than the recorded version, but who cares? not i.

the best thing about this video is that it starts out slow. and you might even think "this is boring, i am so not impressed. i have never been more bored in my entire life."

and then, all of a sudden...

"this is the most delightful music i've ever heard, and my life will never be the same. he's playing a cello, and he's singing. at the same time. and it is good."



and then i started watching other videos...

his voice sounds really nice on this one.



i'll share just one more, even though there are a million you should watch.

i found a song i've never heard before. and this one has some random guy playing a guitar with him. and i have always liked hearing cello with other instruments. so this is really good too. i'm just saying.

the lyrics are kind of weird on this one. it's a song for a bag lady. weird. but i don't care.



***update***

a few hours after i wrote this, i found out ben sollee is playing in NASHVILLE, in a WEEK.

he's the only person i'll stay up late for on a work night.

i'm so happy.

maybe a snowman undergoing an autopsy?

be honest.

did you cringe a little when you opened my blog today? did you recoil in disgust*?

that, friends, is a picture of why i hate Christmas things. (remember: not CHRIST, just Christmas things**.)

in the past year or so, i've been able to put a finger on why Christmas things bother me so much. i think it's because of how my mom decorates her house. the tree is decorated with ornaments like that...thing. what is that thing? no one knows. but somehow it earned a spot on the tree. the tree has half real ornaments, and half ornaments that were created by me and my sisters when we were small. it used to have multi-colored lights that didn't just glow, they twinkled and flashed. it was a lot for any pair of eyes to take in.

like this sparkly manger made out of a milk carton:



i think she has actually kept every Christmas thing we ever made. like this wreath i made with my tiny hands when i was a tiny girl:



and there's another wreath i made later in fifth grade that she hangs in a different spot. (made with green garbage bags...) i don't know how my sisters were spending their time, but i was making wreaths.

usually she gets a million (see: a hundred or so) Christmas cards from people, and hangs those up too. she lines the house with them. seriously.



i'm not saying my mom sucks. it's her house. my sisters like it. i recognize that i am alone in my feelings about the decor. over the years, i somehow went from ...finding it to be a little "much"... to absolutely refusing to put ANY Christmas things in my own apartment.

just trying to offer some explanation about why i am the way i am.

*i looked up the definition for "recoil" to make sure i was using it correctly. i'm pretty sure i've never said that word in my entire life, so i wanted to use it the right way. as it turns out, it captures my feelings about Christmas things perfectly.

–verb 1. to draw back; start or shrink back, as in alarm, horror, or disgust.

**i think the general public would benefit from me defining "Christmas things." just so we're all on the same page.

ahem.

- anything that uses the red and green color combo
- any decorations that twinkle or flash
- any decorations that sing to you, unbidden
- any songs about snowmen, snow, bells, mythical creatures, etc.
- sparkly decorations
- garland of any color, including the kind that's supposed to look like pine
- fake snow
- real snow (i realize that's not unique to Christmas, but i still hate it)

i think that covers it.

note that the list excludes nice things like...nativity scenes. i'm all about showing love to sweet, baby Jesus.

that's how we do.

we successfully surprised my dad for Christmas.

my parents have had this tv for too many years:



and me and my sisters and grandparents combined forces and got him this 42" flat screen of awesomeness:



my mom knew about it ahead of time, because we needed some help hiding it in the house and all that. but my dad had no idea. it was great.

it was my sister laura's idea to do it. my dad does a lot for our family. he works really hard, and makes a lot of sacrifices for us. and he doesn't ever really do anything for himself, especially when it comes to buying stuff he "doesn't need." i'm kind of the same way. one of the parents at school gave me a gift card to target, and i'm totally planning on using it to buy...groceries. anyway, that's how my dad is. and the tv they have been using is really lame-o.

in fact, the only reason they even had one "that good" is because my grandparents bought themselves a new tv several years ago, and gave us their old one. before we had it, we had an even smaller tv that had some of those super cool rabbit ears hooked to the back. i vaguely remember having to position it in just the right spot to watch certain channels.

so we knew he'd never get a new tv.

and i got it on video. yay.

what's funny is that right before he opened the tv, my mom had given him a new coffee maker. and he was whining about how she didn't need to do that because his was "just fine" or something. he's not an ungrateful person. he just doesn't deal well with change, or spending money on things you don't need. and i am exactly the same.

anyway.

so that had happened right before this moment i captured on video.

all the presents had been opened, but there was one large box left. it was the tv stand for the new tv. so he was like "what about that? who is that for?" and my mom said "well that goes with something else they got you. they have to go upstairs and get it."

also, a few gifts had been wrapped in random boxes. my mom kept having to say "ignore the box, that's not what's inside..."

i make a really awesome joke that won't make sense without that information, ok.

note: my sisters have not mastered the "vacant, emotionless stare" as well as i have. the giggling is theirs.

dos.

i had lunch with an old friend today. we keep in touch, but don't see each other often since i have migrated to nashville. he's really funny, and really intelligent. his sense of humor is british. i wish he had a blog, so you could all experience his wit and acumen.

side note: my vocabulary (or should i say "lexicon") has really been out of control since i got back to texas. i'm not sure what's going on, but i like it.

anyway, we had some mexican food and talked for a couple hours. he recommended some books to put on my reading list...including RUSSIAN LITERATURE. i already feel more awesome, just for putting it on my list. and i recommended some music for him...you know, BEN SOLLEE. it was just really fun, that's all i'm saying.

i like vacation.

here's an entirely different topic:

this past sunday at church, we (the congregation) discussed the topic of missions for a few minutes. and the typical question was posed: "why should we be sending people far away, when there are so many hurting and lost people right where we live?"

i don't think this is a ridiculous question. but i did feel it had an obvious answer.

because Jesus said to. (of course as time goes on, more and more people around the world have been reached with the Gospel, so it's definately appropriate to stay where you are and minister to people in your community.)

but someone else's words were ringing in my ears while people were discussing it.

jim elliot, who else?

i love what he has to say on this topic. it's a question people posed to him before he sailed to ecuador.

enjoy.

(also, i'm not suggesting that anyone who doesn't do missions abroad is disobeying Christ. i just have an interest in missions, and have spent some time pursuing that. what's interesting is that now i feel more of a passion for the brokenness that exists where i am. so i identify with people who want to stay where they are, AND people who want to go. i just don't like people dismissing 'going' with that question. there may be many reasons for you or me not to go, but that isn't one of them.)

"So what if the well-fed church in the homeland needs stirring? They have the Scriptures, Moses, and the Prophets, and a whole lot more. Their condemnation is written on their bank books and in the dust on their Bible covers."

"The command is plain: you go into the whole world and announce the good news. It cannot be dispensationalized, typicalized, rationalized. It stands a clear command, possible of realization because of the Commander's following promise."

"You wonder why people choose fields away from the States when young people at home are drifting because no one wants to take time to listen to their problems. I'll tell you why I left. Because those Stateside young people have every opportunity to study, hear, and understand the Word of God in their own language, and these Indians have no opportunity whatsoever. I have had to make a cross of two logs, and lie down on it, to show the Indians what it means to crucify a man. When there is that much ignorance over here and so much knowledge and opportunity over there, I have no question in my mind why God sent me here. Those whimpering Stateside young people will wake up on the Day of Judgment condemned to worse fates than these demon-fearing Indians, because, having a Bible, they were bored with it - while these never heard of such a thing as writing."

"Our young men are going into the professional fields because they don't 'feel called' to the mission field. We don't need a call; we need a kick in the pants. We must begin thinking in terms of 'going out,' and stop our weeping because 'they won't come in.' Who wants to step into an igloo? The tombs themselves are not colder than the churches. May God send us forth."

God leads people differently. that's why some people stay and are missionaries where they are, and that's why some people go.

"I have not the foggiest idea how or where God will lead you. Of this I am sure. He will lead you and not let you miss your signs. Rest in this - it is His business to lead, command, impel, send, call, or whatever you want to call it. It is your business to obey, follow, move, respond, or what have you. This will sound meaningless to you, unconvincing and 'old stuff,' and that is what it should sound, for it is only a man's counsel. The sound of 'gentle stillness' after all the thunder and wind have passed will be the ultimate Word from God. Tarry long for it."

but i am inspired by the passion for the Aucas that Jim had. they killed him, and he knew they might. it's just neat. and i finished the book today, so this should be the last post about him for a long time.

"Then, after an answer from a prophet, Jehosephat, himself humbled and believing, charges his people: 'Believe in the Lord your God!' And then they broke out in singing! Singing, in the face of such a problem! Lord God, give me a faith that will take sufficient quiver out of me so that I can sing! Over the Aucas, Father, I want to sing."

X

just got back from the Christmas eve service at the church i grew up in.

i enjoyed it.

i'm not a fan of Christmasy things. i like Christ, mind you. just not Christmasy things. there's a difference. if you want to call me a scrooge, i'm just going to have to call you a pagan. so let's not go there.

we were singing some carols and stuff, led by the choir. and that was kind of cute because the whole front row was old people, and they were sitting down, worn out from their long day of 5 services. so they just sat and sang while the others stood. anyway, then this girl got up and sang "o holy night." a Christmas eve service staple. i was into it. i started feeling that Christmas feeling, you know.

but then i realized...we're missing something. what is it. what is it?

oh, i know.

what we need is for a little girl to read the Christmas story. and while she's doing that, we need a group of children to come on stage and become the living nativity. and some of them should definately dress up like animals.

and then a little boy should sing "happy birthday, Jesus."

and sure enough, that's what we got.

gotta love it.

and i do. in a surreal kind of way.

also, this is houston. and apparently everyone here feels left out of the "white" part of Christmas. so while we were all in the service, they had some people come and blow a bunch of fake snow in the parking lot so everyone could throw fake snowballs at each other.

this is really my life. sometimes i can't believe it.

a different jim.

i am halfway through my copy of shadow of the almighty. i've underlined a lot of quotes. a lot. a whole lot. i'm going to put some here. i won't be commenting on them, because... i can't follow jim elliot! whatever. but i'll start with two quotes from elisabeth, the author. his wife.

she doesn't like people talking about how cool jim was (which means she'd hate my blog...), so she ends the preface by saying:

"Was his life extraordinary? I offer these pages so that the reader may decide for himself. If his answer is yes - if he finds herein the 'stamp of Christ,' and decides that this is extraordinary - what shall we say of the state of Christendom?"

yeah...

it is sad to marvel at the quotes of someone who is just another human like me. being captivated by Christ and not bothered by nonsense should be the norm in my life.

but i do like that she includes some words about people being impressed by martyrs. i mentioned a few weeks ago when i started re-reading this that i wasn't really moved by that part of the story.

"Is the distinction between living for Christ and dying for Him, after all, so great? Is not the second the logical conclusion of the first?"

two elisabeth quotes, and i'm moving on. the rest are from jim. hopefully you're not like me, and you'll read these and think "yeah i wrote that in MY journal this morning..."

this is long, but well worth your time. ALSO, there are two quotes about his thoughts on Christmas. which make me feel way better about MINE. i get a lot of grief for hating Christmas trees, and twinkly lights, and songs about bells and snowflakes. i like Jesus. i like Christmas. i hate all the extras. and so did jim elliot! so maybe you think i'm a super lame person, but we're talking about jim elliot here. a martyr. i'm just saying.

"Lord, make my way prosperous, not that I achieve high station, but that my life may be an exhibit to the value of knowing God."

"God is still on His throne, we're still on His footstool, and there's only a knee's distance between!"

"I lack the fervency, vitality, life in prayer which I long for. I know that many consider it fanaticism when they hear anything which does not conform to the conventional, sleep-inducing eulogies so often rising from Laodicean lips; but I know too that these same people can acquiescently tolerate sin in their lives and in the church without so much as tilting one hair of their eyebrows. Cold prayers, like cold suitors, are seldom effective in their aims."

"Missionaries are very human folks, just doing what they are asked. Simply a bunch of nobodies trying to exalt Somebody."

"No one warns young people to follow Adam's example. He waited till God saw his need. Then God made Adam sleep, prepared for his mate, and brought her to him. We need more of this 'being asleep' in the will of God. Then we can receive what He brings us in His own time, if at all. Instead we are set as bloodhounds after a partner, considering everyone we see until our minds are so concerned with the sex problem that we can talk of nothing else when bull-session time comes around."

"The Word of God is not bound! It's free to say what it will to the individual and no one can outline it into dispensations which cannot be broken. Don't get it down 'cold,' but let it live - fresh, warm, and vibrant - so that the world is not binding ponderous books about it, but rather is shackling you for having allowed it to have free course in your life."

(ok...one comment here. he wasn't a fan of studying theology, which is the opposite of me. but his point is still good...)

"Pray. That saint who advances on his knees never retreats."

"Of the flesh and its false emotions I have quite had my fill. Of Jesus I cannot seem to get enough. Thank God, though, He does not thwart the soul's desire for Himself, but only whets the desire, intensifying, sublimating."

"Father, save them, I pray; grace only makes me differ."

"All I have asked has not been given, and the Father's withholding has served only to intensify my desires. He knows that the 'hungrier' one is, the more appreciative he becomes of food, and if I have gotten nothing else from this year's experience He has given me a hunger for Himself I have never experienced before. He only promises water to the thirsty, salvation to the unsatisfied (I do not say dissatisfied), filling to those famished for righteousness."

"...we best learn patience by practicing it."

"Because I cannot see, nor even assuredly feel, His satisfaction with me, I cannot doubt the leading simply because of the dark. The leading is nonetheless real, the pathway has simply been into a place I didn't expect or ask for."

"Lord Jesus, I thank Thee that Thou didst banish the very principle of distance on that Cross. Thou wast forsaken, thrust away from God, that Thou shouldst bring me near. GRACE! All grace."

"How deaf must be the deafness of the ear which has never heard the story; how blind the eye that has not looked on Christ for light; how pressed the soul that has no hope of glory; how hideous the fate of man who knoweth only night! God arouse us to care, to feel as He Himself does for their welfare."

"Joy and peace can only come in believing, and that is all I can say to Him tonight. Lord, I believe. I don't love, I don't feel, I don't understand, I can only believe. Bring Thou faith to fruition, Great Harvest Lord. Produce in me, I pray."

"By His grace I shall not have His second best."

"Discouragement is a Satanic tool that seems to fit my disposition and the Enemy knows it...Well, all my doubts and fears (hinges on which swing the gates of Hell) cannot prevail to take Him from His throne nor stop Him from the building of His Church."

"Personally, I wasn't 'saved' all at once, but took some years coming into my present settled convictions about the truth of God. So why should I demand that conversion be immediate in others? Christ healed men differently. Some...He spoke a word, and there was a lightning-fast reaction. Others He touched, spat upon, made clay, spoke to and questioned...Let not him who accepts light in an instant despise him who gropes months in shadows. It took the Twelve three years to apprehend what was being shown them. The natural, so often illustrative of the spiritual, teaches that healing and growth, yea, even birth, are processes, and I think we altar-callers often perform abortions in our haste to see 'results.'"

"We are so utterly ordinary, so commonplace, while we profess to know a Power the Twentieth Century does not reckon with. But we are 'harmless,' and therefore unharmed. We are spiritual pacifists, non-militants, conscientious objectors in this battle-to-the-death with principalities and powers in high places. Meekness must be had for contact with men, but brass, outspoken boldness is required to take part in the comradeship of the Cross. We are 'sideliners' - coaching and criticizing the real wrestlers while content to sit by and leave the enemies of God unchallenged. The world cannot hate us, we are too much like its own."

"I think the devil has made it his business to monopolize on three elements: noise, hurry, crowds. If he can keep us hearing radios, gossip, conversation, or even sermons, he is happy. But he will not allow quietness. For he believes Isaiah where we do not. Satan is quite aware of the power of silence. The voice of God, though persistent, is soft."

"And now men talk of Christ-mass - weird monstrosity and mixture of bright lights, reindeer, tissue paper and scraggly evergreens; jumbled mobs, bargain-baited, 'striving after wind', singing 'Silent Night' - but what know they of Immanuel?"

"...do away with all waverings, bewilderment, and wonder. You have bargained for a cross. Overcome anything in the confidence of your union with Him, so that contemplating trial, enduring persecution or loneliness, you may know the blessings of the 'joy set before.' 'We are the sheep of His pasture. Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, and into His courts with praise.' And what are sheep doing going into the gate? What is their purpose inside those courts? To bleat melodies and enjoy the company of the flock? No. Those sheep were destined for the altar. Their pasture feeding had been for one purpose, to test them and fatten them for bloody sacrifice. Give Him thanks, then, that you have been counted worthy of His altars. Enter into the work with praise."

"I blush to think of things I have said, as if I knew something about what Scripture teaches."

"One does not surrender a life in an instant. That which is lifelong can only be surrendered in a lifetime."

"Just today I was thinking of how God loves in spite of all my sin and has promised to bring us to the 'desired haven.'...He loves through all these things - makes them seem too worthless even to be thought upon. I know them. God knows them. I confess them. He forgives them. Oh that I might praise Him worthily!"

"I see clearly now that anything, whatever it is, if it be not on the principle of grace, it is not of God. Here shall be my plea in weakness; here shall be my boldness in prayer; here shall be my deliverance in temptation; at last, here shall be my translation. Not of grace? Then not of God."

"I think there is nothing so startling in all the graces of God as His quietness."

"The practice at Christmas has gotten to be such a commercialized hoax that I will be sincerely glad when all good Christians abandon it. The excitement of the weekend left us all weary-eyed and untalkative at supper tonight. Seems to me we would have a better attitude toward the whole thing if someone would write a realistic poem on the 'Night After Christmas,' to counterbalance the magical effects of the imaginative 'Night Before.'

and this is his most famous quote:

"One of the great blessings of heaven is the appreciation of heaven on earth. He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose."

have i won you over yet?

i just called my grandparents to talk to them about my uncle jim who passed away a few days ago.

i'll be keeping the emotional details of that phone call to myself...

but i would like to submit an idea to the general public. i think we should all take part in more 3-way phone conversations.

you know the kind i'm talking about. when you call your grandparents (or whoever) and your grandpa answers the phone, and then grandma goes into another room and gets on that phone. then you talk to grandma for several minutes, and haven't heard grandpa say a word, so you assume he hung up. and then all of a sudden he chimes in and scares the crap out of you. that kind of phone call.

it's the best kind of phone call. i really believe this.

so that was fun. here's a little snippet of the conversation...

grandma: you should find a job out here. we're good people out here.
me: that's so true. you are.
grandma: but i know you have to make that decision yourself. you have to be happy where you are.
me: also true.
grandma: i know it would be hard to leave your friends, but you could make new ones. you wouldn't have any trouble with that sweet smile of yours.
me: thanks grandma! that's really nice.
grandma: it's true. you have a really sweet smile. it's the kind of smile that can win friends and influence people.

i have no words...

i like my bed.

today when the weather was SO GOOD, i looked out the window and wanted to take a nap in the grass.

in other news, i discovered something else about me that is weird.

i'm going to do something so strange tonight...

i wake up at 6am on weekdays. if i was ambitious in the morning, it would be even earlier. i hate the morning. i think 6am is really early. no matter how early i go to sleep, it still feels bad. after i do my whiney, groany "i don't want to get out of bed, i want to stay right here under the covers..." bit, i get over it and start the day. but i always think it would be really fun to go right back to sleep.

don't we all?

so i have a brilliant plan to enhance my enjoyment of sleep tonight. because really, who enjoys their sleep WHILE it's happening? no one. once you wake up, you either want to go back to sleep and can't...or you've slept really well, and feel really good...but OH WELL, you're already awake. you enjoy feeling rested, but you don't enjoy sleeping. because you're awake.

sleep is a hard thing to appreciate.

so tonight i am setting my alarm for 6am, just like every morning.

it's going to go off, annoy me, and make me whine. i'm going to wish i could go back to sleep.

and then i'll remember...

"you can. you CAN go back to sleep!!!"

and it's going to be so fun.

thursday night.

do veterans watch war movies?

i don't want to watch chick flicks anymore.

it's worse than snow.

some wednesday ramblings.

we didn't go on the playground at work today, because it was cold and misty. (i'll get back to THAT in a moment...) so we had to think of creative ways to entertain the children during our playground time. we chose bubbles. i started blowing bubbles, and they ambushed me. there was so much glee. they love bubbles. while they were running around me trying to catch the bubbles, one of the little girls got so excited she actually yelled "happy birthday, guys!"

now let me offer my thoughts on the almost-rain. do you know what i'm talking about? it's almost raining, but it's not actually raining. it's misting. it makes me want to scream. not only is it cold, but this weird mist thing going on keeps fogging the windows in my car up. which means i have to turn the defroster thingy on, instead of the HEAT. and THEN, to make matters worse, there's not even enough "mist" to make the wipers necessary...but there's just enough to where i can't see very well through the window. so i have to turn the wipers on, but they make a terrible screeching noise since there's basically nothing between them and the windshield.

it is not awesome. i hate it. i'd rather the roads be covered in sparkly death.

you know, snow. i have a picture that captures the spirit of snow.



i know what you're thinking. "oh look at that, how pretty! there's a bench covered in snow!" but guess what. lots of people walked by that bench that day, really tired and worn out from their day, and they couldn't sit down. you want to know why? because of the SNOW.

tangent.

some closing thoughts:

the phrase "pull the plug" is incredibly offensive, and i will never use it again. not when referring to a human life. it took on new meaning this week. my uncle passed away today. my aunt faced some tough decisions, and i REALLY hope no one phrased them to her that way.

uncle jim.

that's my uncle jim with his second grandson.

my uncle is in the hospital, and it doesn't look good. my aunt beverly faces some tough decisions about "what to do" because at this point, the machines are keeping him alive.

it came suddenly. i guess these things always do.

um, i'm so not a fan of morbidity or sadness.*

i want to share a story about my uncle jim.

in may we were all at my grandparents' place, celebrating my grandma's 90th birthday. after the party with all her friends and neighbors (i had no idea my grandma was more popular than i am...), a few of us went back to their house to hang out.

and that's when this conversation took place. and i think it really captures my uncle's essence.

grandma: did you know that five generations back...
uncle jim: we KNOW mom, we know. five generations back on grandpa's side of the family, was alexander hamilton. the guy on the ten dollar bill. he's our grandpa. we KNOW.
grandma: well i was just telling allison, in case she didn't know.
me: i know.
uncle jim: that's nothing. guess what we found out...beverly, tell them who your mom said was in your family, however many generations back. john wilkes booth. tell them.
aunt beverly: oh, shut up.
uncle jim: that's right. john wilkes booth! alexander hamilton is a weakling compared to him. he whacked lincoln! that was a heck of a trick.

there are only two things that could make this memory better. 1) if i had managed to capture it on video. 2) if my grandma thought we were related to abraham lincoln, and not alexander hamiltion.

*i don't mean to downplay the grief of my relatives by sharing this. it's a very hard time for them. especially my grandparents who do NOTHING but love their family. that's all they do. and my aunt, who has to be reminded of her grief when she goes home and has to do his dirty laundry, or unwrap his gifts under the tree next week. and his only daughter jamie, who ranted for years about how she would rather be single than marry anyone who wasn't exactly like her dad. this is just how i wanted to speak of him. and this is just how i deal with hard things, in general.

they came, they went.

i just had a really great weekend, with really great friends. some of my BEST friends came to nashville to see one of us get married. good times were had.

when i got back from work today, the silence in my apartment hit me a little harder than i thought it would.

real life.

I see the young girl huddled on the brothel floor
I see the man with a passion come and kicking down the door

that's a couple lines from the sara groves song i mentioned a couple days ago.

she's speaking about an organization called
international justice mission. a team of lawyers actually travel to other countries, and free sex slaves based on that country's laws. they say it takes about $1,000 for the whole legal process.

the young girl in the song is a real girl, it's not just a nice lyric. they've saved actual people from that life. i can't even imagine what that must be like. to feel so hopeless, and so alone. so used, and so worthless. and then to have someone come in and say "you're free." how do you even process that?

and to think of all that Christ has done for me! i'm not a victim. there's no injustice in Him leaving me to pay for my own sinful choices. but He came with a passion to rescue me. some days i don't know how to process that.

anyway, check out IJM. give them your money.

shadows

today i did some major cleaning. i have some friends coming later this week, so i was cleaning the dark corners of my apartment that i never pay attention to.

and it was really fun. because while i cleaned i listened to BEN SOLLEE. i haven't listened to him in a few weeks. i forgot he's amazing. but i remember now.

it was also really good to be doing something. if i sit around and watch tv, my mind starts feeling burdened again.

work is not going well. as usual. but today we got another threatening memo. as in, she threatened to fire us if we don't do certain things. we get those every now and then. today's topic was showing up to work on time. this is not an issue for me. but it's still rough to get those kinds of notes. because one day she might just be annoyed with something i don't do well, and threaten to fire me for that.

plus there's the car accident issues. it has officially been a MONTH since the accident now. i'm so tired of having this on my mind. every minute of every day, it's there. my insurance told me i need to be calling the other insurance lady EVERY DAY, to get her to do her job. which means i can't push the thoughts away, i have to acknowledge them every day. but my dad said i shouldn't call every day, i should just sit back and wait to see what happens. so i don't know what i'm supposed to do. if i don't call, i think "i should have called." and if i do call, i think "i shouldn't have done that. she's going to get annoyed and do something bad." either way, i worry. i need this to be over, so bad. i want to move on. i want to live my life again.

i am still enjoying reading one of my jim elliot books. i bought them all on ebay a while ago, but i haven't read them since i bought them. so it's fun because i finally get to underline all my favorite quotes. it's fun to rediscover them. they're so familiar. today i found a couple that i somehow missed before:

"Somehow I've had trouble resting in His love the last couple of days but find afresh the truth of Romans 15:13, 'in believing' we find joy and peace. I've found it hard to do just that, doubting in darkness what God made lucidly clear in the light. But the soul is built for struggle and the Spirit given to comfort and sustain. What a wretched ingrate I am for all the blessings He has laid to me, signs that He is designing my life. Faith is to be the life-blood of the just, but my spirit's circulating system is a little sluggish, I fear."

"...but are we so childish (I do not say childlike) as to think that a God who could scheme a Jesus-plan would lead poor pilgrims into situations they could not bear? Dost thou believe that God doth answer prayer, my heart? Yea, I believe. Then will He not most assuredly answer that frequent cry of thine, 'Lead me, Lord'? I am as confident of God's leading as I am of His salvation."

i wonder what tomorrow brings.

"I see the man of sorrows and his long troubled road
I see the world on his shoulders and my easy load" - Sara Groves

75 cents.

notes to self:

1) top right dryer isn't the best.

2) you wear too many t-shirts.

when the saints

i went to the art music justice tour in october. sara groves sang this song called "when the saints" that night and it's a GREAT song. i just remembered i loved it. the last minute or so of the song is her mentioning people that have "gone before" that inspire us, and there's a couple lines about the missionaries who were killed in ecuador in the 50's.

i seriously can't put a finger on why this story means so much to me. i can't tell you how many times i've read it, and thought about it. it's not because they're martyrs. it has something to do with their complete love for the indians. it shaped their entire life. when they'd fly in their little airplane over the huts, and drop little trinkets to develop a trust between them...they were so enthusiastic about it. i remember one journal entry that stuck out to me was when the line got caught or something, so the indian had to hold onto it for a minute, and jim wrote something about how he couldn't believe that they were both holding on to different ends of the rope...connected, but not really, but longing for the day when he could share Christ with them...he was just so excited at the small progress they'd made in their efforts...

see what i mean? i can't explain it.

in elisabeth elliot's books, she is ALWAYS quoting and mentioning someone named "amy carmichael." like, all the time. it can be kind of redundant. but i understand, because that's how i feel about jim elliot and the other missionaries that were killed with him. the story never gets old. i'm enjoying reading it again.

i want to have that kind of passion. it's taking shape, but i'm not really sure what to do with it.

anyway, blah blah, so when i heard sara sing that song at her concert, and saw them flash images of jim elliot, i was really "moved" or whatever you want to call it. because it's something very "special" to me or something. i hate sounding so cheesy.

here's something not cheesy:

the other night i dreamed about jim elliot. i dreamed that he wasn't really killed. i dreamed they took him captive, and we all just misunderstood and thought he was dead, but really he wasn't. and they just discovered he was alive after all these years, and there was much rejoicing. especially when he and elisabeth reconnected, and he found out that her third husband was dead (not true in real life), so he was like "score. we can be together again."

weird dream.

here's the song that some nutso added pictures to. there are some RANDOM pictures on here. but if you start watching at 2:15, you'll hear the part i love, and see the pictures that i can always immediately recognize and identify, because of how often i look at them...



and the song lyrics:

Lord I have a heavy burden of all I've seen and know
It's more than I can handle
But your word is burning like a fire shut up in my bones
and I cannot let it go

And when I'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought

I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard
I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them

Lord it's all that I can't carry and cannot leave behind
it often overwhelms me
but when I think of all who've gone before and lived the faithful life
their courage compells me
And when I'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought

I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard
I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars

I see the shepherd Moses in the Pharohs court
I hear his call for freedom for the people of the Lord

And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them

I see the long quiet walk along the Underground Railroad
I see the slave awakening to the value of her soul

I see the young missionary and the angry spear
I see his family returning with no trace of fear

I see the long hard shadows of Calcutta nights
I see the sisters standing by the dying man's side

I see the young girl huddled on the brothel floor
I see the man with a passion come and kicking down the door

I see the man of sorrows and his long troubled road
I see the world on his shoulders and my easy load

And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them

kailey rose

the first time i saw her.



the first time i held her.



today is her first birthday.



i can count the times i've visited her on one hand, which makes me sad, but she is such a blessing...and i'm just the aunt!

advent conspiracy

saw this video.



think it's great!

i've already bought my family Christmas presents this year, and i know they're all doing that too. i'm not about to throw a wrench in our plans this year, ESPECIALLY since my sister laura came up with the amazing idea to surprise my dad with a NEW TV! he has no idea. my parents' tv is really old. like, really old. as in, my grandparents gave it to us when THEY got a new tv. the picture is shrinking a little, and when you change the channel...the numbers are reversed on the screen. and some other problems. laura pointed out that our parents do a lot for us, so SURPRISE! my mom is in on it, because we needed some help with logistics. i can't wait to unveil it. i'll try to get that on video, but not if it interferes with me enjoying the moment.

i bring that up to say...i don't think that giving gifts to your family is a selfish thing to do. that's the only thing i sometimes don't enjoy about people encouraging us to be more generous to charity or whatever. i get a lot of joy from giving my family gifts at Christmas.

BUT

we are so blessed, and there's also a lot of joy to be found in giving all of that to people who are really hurting. instead of to each other.

we're all older now, so now (see: next year) might be a good time to say "instead of buying for each other, let's find ways to give other people gifts. angel trees. buying NEW gifts to donate to missions. etc." and maybe do a secret santa thing, so we each just have one person to buy a gift for...i don't know....there are so many different ways to be generous. (what a position to be in...)

with the exception of my niece, kailey! because we LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE kailey. and i think we're all more excited to give her things than anything else. because she's so awesome. when i went to visit my sister emily at baylor, we stopped by to see kailey for half an hour. i bought her a stuffed lion. for no reason at all. just because she's so neat.

anyway...

it's interesting how at the hardest part of my life (see: RIGHT NOW), i want to be involved with things that matter. every good thought i have comes from God. left alone, i think only of myself. how amazing that my wicked soul could find 10 seconds to think of anyone else.

it's that time...

my thoughts about the past few days are negative. i am overwhelmed.

i'm taking a break from my quest to read every book in the world, so i can revisit some literature from my past.

i read the first few chapters of "don't waste your life" over thanksgiving break, and it gave me a small boost.

but today i decided i know what will do the trick. jim elliot. i sent an e-mail to someone, and on my yahoo account there's a quote from him as my "signature." i made that account back in the days when i liked signatures. now i kind of hate them. ANYWAY, it made me want to read some jim elliot.

he's a missionary that died.

i'm not inspired by his death.

i'm inspired by the way he lived. his attitude while being alive is the polar opposite of my attitude right now. i am struggling.

the thing about jim elliot that is so striking is that he wrote these journals for himself...he had no intention of other people reading them. his wife published them after he died. when people write books, they edit themselves. they say things with a certain goal or topic in mind. not jim elliot. he was just puking his thoughts into a journal...unedited. he didn't make them up to fit a topic of a book. this was how he really was.

if i had a journal, today's entry would be full of expletives. which is not quite the same as this:


"Father, let me be weak that I might loose my clutch on everything temporal. My life, my reputation, my possessions, Lord, let me loose the tension of the grasping hand. Even, Father, would I lose the love of fondling. How often I have released a grasp only to retain what I prized by 'harmless' longing, the fondling touch. Rather, open my hand to receive the nail of Calvary, as Christ's was opened - that I, releasing all, might be released, unleashed from all that binds me now. He thought Heaven, yea, equality with God, not a thing to be clutched at. So let me release my grasp." -Jim Elliot

too much cute.

i'm about to rock your world with adorable-ness.

i got so much quality time with my one year old niece, kailey, on thanksgiving break. (actually she's not one until friday...)

i even got to babysit her for 3 or 4 hours.

i'm telling you...

you won't be able to handle the amount of cute you're about to see. brace yourself.

this is kailey rose.







bonus: a video.

we had a lot of fun while i was babysitting her. we learned how to put things on our heads. we laughed a lot. at one point, i was entertaining her with a walrus that she found in my room. (remember when beanie babies were cool? no?) for at least 10 minutes, she found this hysterical. i didn't think to video tape it soon enough. but here...a glimpse.

allison in real life

i'm back in texas for thanksgiving. so many wonderful things have already happened, and i've only been here for like..9 hours.

1) my sister laura has a bomb strapped to her chest. pictures later.

2) i had to go into my sister emily's room to get toothpaste this morning, and i cheerfully told her good morning, and she told me to go away.

3) the reason she told me to go away, is because...

i dreamed that my alarm went off, but it didn't. i set it for 7:30, because mom said we were leaving at 8. you'd think that's not serious, you'd think that's a casual suggestion, but you'd be wrong. when mom says we leave at 8, we leave at 8. we kings take our time declarations seriously. we are never late, not even for things it's impossible to be late for...like thanksgiving. anyway, i set my alarm for 7:30. it "went off" so i got up and took a shower and got ready for this fantastic day. my dad strolled into the living room, not at all hurried or frantic (i figured it was 8 by now), and i didn't see my mom or any of my sisters anywhere. i didn't hear them rushing around either. so i angrily asked "why is everyone still in bed? mom said we were leaving at 8!" and he said "why wouldn't they be?" so i looked at the clock...it said 7:22.

i dreamed my alarm went off, and i woke up. my mind literally played a trick on me.

4) i wanted to stop and get some sinus medicine at walmart, but dad felt walgreens was more convenient. they didn't have what i've been taking (tylenol sinus...amazing!), so mom said she had some nyquil at the house i could take just for last night. no argument here! i was sad to discover they still buy it in liquid form, but hey, it's nyquil. we always get along. this morning i needed to heat up something for breakfast (i promise this is connected in a normal way, not in an "allison" kind of way), but they got a new microwave (how dare they change anything in my absence!) the new microwave has no numbers to set the time, just random buttons. so my dad had to help me.

dad: you just have to set the time.
me: there are no numbers!
dad: *twisted a knob*
me: that's ridiculous.
dad: it's high tech.
me: you don't even have nyquil in pill form...don't talk to me about high tech!

5) my mom said my uncle is bringing an "oriental" lady friend to thanksgiving lunch.

6) mom: look what you did to emily.
emily: look at all the blood from the flu shot you gave me!
dad: oh please.
mom: we're just saying, you always brag that you're so good at it.
dad: i don't brag. 90% of the customers i serve tell me that i'm the best at it.

i can't wait for the rest of this day.

happy thanksgiving!

rar.

AND apparently my car accident issues aren't over.

i don't think my praise of God was premature, because He's still in control.

i just really, really want this to be over.

it's so sketchy, and i'm tired of worrying about it.

a product review.

i have a sinus infection. i want to rip my sinus cavities right out of my face.

yesterday i called my dad to tell him my brain hurt, and i wasn't sure if that was normal or not. i call him about medical stuff because he's a pharmacist, not to whine. anyway. he said it was totally normal, which i continue to doubt. but he recommended some sinus medicine for me that i've never taken before.

zyrtec.

i've heard many good things about this product. it improves the quality of life, and works fast, and it's really strong. etcetera.

so you can imagine my disappointment when it did not relieve my pain. in fact, it kept me up all night. i got two hours of sleep. not only did i feel sad because i just spent $15 on a useless product, but i was up all night thinking "i'm in pain. it hurts. and i'm tired. i'm really in pain. i want to go to sleep. help me..."

so if any of you are some of the people that have been known to sing its praises, feel free to buy the rest of it from me. i only used one.

tonight, i run back into the arms of nyquil. it has no healing properties. but i can sleep. i care more about sleeping than i do about the terrible pain all over my face. i need patience to work with little children. i need sleep.

make me an offer.

do i sound grumpy?

i only slept for 2 hours last night. two hours.

my locks.

i gave myself a haircut.

am i 10% more awesome or more insane, in your eyes?

dollar signs

i filled up my gas tank this week for $17.72.

that is delicious. it cost twice that much just a few months ago.

a little less money spent on gas equals a little more money spent on name brand groceries. or fresh fruit! YES! i can afford some fresh fruit now...

also, this is RIDICULOUS. in a bad way. so ridiculous i want to do something violent to keep things balanced in the universe:

throngs

since my car accident(s), i have been overwhelmed with anxiety about all that could go wrong. because it was a very shady situation.

i read Psalm 35 so much that i accidentally memorized parts of it, and kept repeating them over and over, all day long. it's all about God fighting for people who can't fight for themselves.

the other guy's car insurance hasn't called me, and it's been almost 2 weeks now. my dad thinks that means that "it's over." and that they decided the other guy was at fault, so i can rest now.

verse 18 of psalm 35:

I will give you thanks in the great assembly;
among throngs of people I will praise you.

i don't know that the short list of people who read this blog can be labeled a "throng" of people, but it's a start. (also, i wish "throng" wasn't a word. it's weird.)

one day when i was really weighed down with stress, i made a list of all the things God had done to protect me and fight for me. some things were before i even knew i needed Him to fight for me. here's the list of things i'm giving Him thanks for publicly:

- no one was injured
- my car was not damaged (just $20 worth of a bumper issue)
- even though my lack of experience kept me from calling the cops and getting all the information i should have, i "somehow" had the sense to get his drivers license number, and license plate number
- even though i was too stupid to write down his insurance policy number, when he showed me the sheet of paper that was his car insurance, my eyes noticed the name of the provider, which is how my insurance tracked down his insurance
- when he was pressuring me to give him money, God prevented me from agreeing to that
- the phone number he gave me was real
- my insurance guy was VERY helpful and comforting when i was worried
- my insurance guy worked very fast. 2 days after the accident, his work was done
- God brought many different Scriptures to my mind to comfort me and remind me that He is in control (psalms 35, 37, 39, and 40; God works all things together for good; God has plans for my future, plans not to harm me (Jer. 29:11); when Daniel was in the lion's den, God shut their mouths; a lot of men and women in Genesis made mistakes or didn't handle things perfectly in their situations, but God protected them, etc.)
- right after the accident, instead of "figuring things out myself" (which is something i looooooove to do), i called my Dad and he told me to call insurance immediately, so i did, and had the claim filed about 20 minutes after the accident
- whenever i was explaining the situation to friends and family, God moved them to share experiences of car accidents they had been in, and how things hadn't gone perfectly, and it was an encouragement to me
- even my insurance guy kept saying things like "I'm on your side" and "there's nothing to worry about"...which was great, but it also reminded me that God says those things to me all through Scripture
- God raised me knowing Scripture so i could be comforted by it at times like this. if i had just become a Christian a week ago or something, i wouldn't have a lifetime of sermons to recall. what a blessing to grow up in a Christian home!
- God has a history of handling things perfectly
- i have great friends and family to hug and call when i'm worried. support systems are totally underrated.

and the list goes on.

today i thought i lost my drivers license. i haven't touched it since i checked into my flight in austin on sunday, so i figured i lost it at the airport. i always just stuff it in my bag when i go through security. it did fall out of my bag. but i just discovered it fell out of my bag in my car, when i got back to nashville...instead of falling out of my bag in the airport or on an airplane.

grace, grace, God's neverending grace!

who is like You, O Lord? You rescue the poor from those too strong for them, the poor and needy from those who rob them.

and maybe you're thinking "you're making too big a deal out of this." which is probably true, but given the amount of anxiety in my mind for the past couple of weeks...i can't just say "ok, it's all better now. nevermind, God! sorry about all the insanity. i guess i didn't need You after all! i'm so stupid..." and leave it at that.

it's been interesting to see how lame i am. worrying and anxiety is a clear way to see my lack of trust in God. people who trust God aren't burdened like this. but it has been good to read psalm 35 (and other chapters) and realize...David had to have been SERIOUSLY anxious to write anything like this. it's not like the great "heroes" of the faith were free from it either. worrying is bad. but it matters what we do when we're worried, too. do we JUST worry, or do we take it to the Cross? we live in this world, constantly held back by our humanity. sinfulness and brokenness are everywhere. my problem with worrying separates me from God. my relationship with Christ takes me back.

i. hate. winter.

i briefly considered moving to boston, about a year ago. i needed a change. i wanted to get away.

then i remembered that boston is cold.

this was only one of the reasons i decided not to move, but it was the number one reason. i hate being cold. i hate cold weather. i hate winter.

which is why i find it incredibly amusing that my car does too.

my car has a few quirks that are only issues in cold weather.

1) the speakers in the front of my car do not work when it's cold. well, they kind of do. on and off.
2) i have to wait a minute or so after i turn the car off to take the key out of the ignition. only when it's cold. the key will not come out until we sit for a minute.
3) the dashboard lights do not work when it's cold. which makes it harder to drive at night. i can't see what speed i'm going.

how weird is that.

only when it's cold!

this only makes me hate cold weather even more. i completely forget about these things until it's cold.

side note:

this, for once, has nothing to do with me being texan. there are parts of texas that are really cold. it has nothing to do with me being raised in the south.

it has everything to do with cold weather being evil.

Hullabaloo, Caneck! Caneck!

“Give me an army of West Point graduates and I'll win a battle. Give me a handful of Texas Aggies, and I'll win the war.” - General George S. Patton

i went to visit my sister emily last weekend. she's a senior at baylor, and she's so cool. she's an interior design major. she's basically awesome, and really creative. i had never been to baylor, so i wanted to check it out before she graduated. you can see the pictures on facebook.

but here's the exciting story.

she sent me a list of dates that worked for her.

one date happened to be the weekend that baylor was playing texas a&m.

i.

love.

texas a&m football.

they are having a TERRIBLE season, but it has been my dream for several years to see them play football.

scoff or mock if you must. how many dreams did YOU fulfill last weekend?

and of course, part of aggie football is the fighting texas aggie band. a military marching band. the best kind of marching band. but wait, it gets better. in order to be in this band, you have to be a member of the Corps of Cadets.

some Corps of Cadets facts:

"Approximately 42 percent of the members of the Cadet Corps receive classroom training and receive a commission in the United States Armed Forces upon graduation. Under federal law, Texas A&M University, along with five other U.S. colleges, is classified as a senior military college."

"...the Corps, in conjunction with its ROTC affiliates and the Department of Military Science at Texas A&M University, produces more military officers than any other school in the United States."

"Members of the Cadet Corps have served in every conflict fought by the United States since the Spanish-American War. During World War II, Texas A&M produced 20,229 Aggies who served in combat."

that's why their band is the BEST band. it's not just a collection of people that play music and walk around. they could totally kill you.

"Since its inception in 1894, its members eat together, sleep in the same dormitories, and practice up to forty hours per week on top of a full academic schedule."

in closing, here is one video i shot of them at the game. they're forming the "aTm" letters. and then they exit the field in their classic way...they just run off the field. and i, personally, think that's wonderful.

click here.

two things have made me laugh in the past week and a half. usually i can find something absurd to marvel at every day. sad.

1) today i had to sketch an outline of the united states of america. that's comical enough by itself, i know. but i had someone look at it to make sure it resembled our country. the only person that walked through my room was this teacher who just became a citizen about a month ago. she's lived here for a long time, but just now became one. her thoughts on my outline? "texas is not that big."

2)i think there is pee in my kitchen.

believe it.

my apartment has smelled a little foul lately. i emptied the trash. i cleaned out the fridge. and none of that really smelled. the other day i discovered a puddle around the trash can. a yellow, stinky puddle.

i never put anything liquid in the trash.

i think there is pee in my kitchen.

i'm pretty sure it's not mine.

i doubt the maintenance guy would let himself into my partment just to pee in my kitchen.

i think the neighbor's bathroom may have leaked into my kitchen. no more has appeared since i cleaned it up, so i'm hoping i'm wrong.

i'm hoping i'm just a disgusting person who left a mess in the kitchen.

worst week.

i was in a car accident. we have different versions of what happened. and other stressful details.

one of the dads at work is exhibiting pre-stalker behavior.

my apartment smells.

but...

God is always good.

God is always in control.

God rescues the poor and needy from those too strong for them.

God is mighty to save, and more than able to fight for me.

pray for me. a lot.

red raiders?

some saturday thoughts:

- out of curiosity, i looked up how many people voted third party in tennessee. at least 35,000! that's only 1% of the vote, but that is 35,000 individuals who couldn't violate their concsciences and vote in a two-party system. and since i'm going to convince every person i know to do the same (unless one of the two candidates is the best choice) next time, we can double that number. oh yeah. i totally know thousands of people.

- i went to old navy and bought a winter coat! i've had the same one for 6 years now, and i've always secretly hated it. it wasn't big enough for me to wear a sweatshirt underneath it. lame-o. and old navy was having a fifty percent off sale. i hate spending money, but i love saving it.

- speaking of saving money, i went to walmart today. there were no carts available. not one. i checked both entrances. no carts. i just stood there, trying to figure out what to do. i had to walk around outside trying to find a cart. it was like a weird dream.

- speaking of weird dreams, the other night i dreamed i was taking pictures with the world's most awesome camera in some sort of canyon. i stumbled across a murder scene, and turned back the other way before the cops could interrogate me. then i saw a rhino, and snapped a picture of it. it got angry and turned into an elephant. in order to escape, i had to climb up some rocks. they started falling, like an avalanche. i threw one at the elephant/rhino, knocking it unconscious. what a little thrill chaser i am in my dreams.

- speaking of being unconscious, i'm making a conscious effort to relax these days. so i can be more patient at work, and think more rationally...those types of things. (good idea, creating that day of rest, God.) today i chose to read the Jesus Storybook Bible, while listening to Ben Sollee, my current obsession. i tend to listen to one artist for about a month. anyway, it was pretty much the best thing ever. what a delicious combination.

- speaking of cellos (?), i'm watching texas tech win their tenth game. maybe they'll lose, how could i know? i'm an aggie fan, so i don't usually care what texas tech does. but i am blown away by the fact that they're undefeated. they've never been a bad team, but they've never been anywhere near "the best" either. if they make it to the championship, i will have a much easier time cheering for them than i did when texas played usc in the rose bowl a few years ago.

i've been watching college football for 6 or 7 years now, and i still feel like a dirty man talking about it.

why did socrates apologize?

i want to marry the evening i had last night. i want to live with it forever and ever.

someone at church told me about this show at the basement, and i went. because i love new music, and i love live music even more. it makes me feel so fantastic. it makes me feel like myself.

ben sollee.

my mind exploded.

this guy is fantastic. he plays a cello, he sings, and it's good. that's a simple description. i don't know how to explain it any better. there are days when my lexicon is exiguous, and this is one of them. because he's too good for words.

just listen.

one interesting part of the show was that he had some art draped behind him. he said he wants to make an effort to make the visual arts part of his music, and all the art he hangs up during this tour will be auctioned off at the end. and the money will be given to charity. two great ideas!

and i also realized something about myself. the person i knew at the show made some comment about how the second act had "overt Christian themes" in their songs, and i just nodded. i didn't have an opinion, because i didn't listen to the words. and i realized...i never listen to the words if i don't know the artist's music. the sound of their voices becomes part of the music to me, and i don't pay attention to the words. i just hear it all together. i become really focused on all the sounds. once i own an album, and spend time singing along (because i definately love to do that too...), THEN i hear the words at a show. of course that's not always true, sometimes some great lyrics will catch my attention. but that's not the norm for me.

am i the only one like that? i hope not. because it's really a fun way to experience music for the first time.

i didn't even mind going to bed at midnight. it was so worth it. and i managed to dress myself and feed myself this morning without any problems. that's a good day.

real change.

i voted for change.

not just the change of our president.

change in general.

i voted for a third party candidate. it seems like a wasted vote, if you only think about it for a second. but it's a vote against the two-party system. everyone says "you know, i don't support my candidate TOTALLY, but you have to vote for someone..."

so no real change ever happens.

let's change that in 4 years. join me in voting third party! just because someone is backed by a national convention, or has enough money to campaign...doesn't make them qualified for the job. it means they have more money to campaign. that's about all it means.

i voted for change, and i feel really good about it.

24.

i went Christmas shopping this weekend!

it was mostly fun.

i made buying a gift for my almost-one-year-old niece harder than it needs to be. she's one. she should be the easiest person to shop for.

i went to look at toys, and i had a hard time getting into the toddler mindset. i'd pick something up and think "so...she'll just push this button...and it spins around. that's entertaining for what, 3 seconds? lame."

i know for sure i'm getting her the Jesus Storybook Bible! because it's the best children's Bible ever made. in fact, i read from it during sunday school tonight.

which brings me to tonight's sunday school quote:

me: what were you for halloween???
the kid i was talking to: i don't want to say.
talkative kid: were you a fedex truck?

what?

hey, world.

i like reading blogs.

am i the only one who reads random blogs? i read some that my friends write, but then i start clicking on the blogs that their friends write, and their friends, and so on. there are some really interesting people that i've never met out there. everywhere. (it also makes me really curious if there are any silent observers reading this blog. hello!)

for the next week, i'm going to be reading the blogs of some very specific strangers.

there's a group of people (i think 8) taking a trip to the dominican republic. they're going to blogging about the ministry of compassion international in the dominican republic. i'm really curious to see what they see. i love learning about other cultures. i'm also really excited to see what they have to say about compassion in that area. i know about what compassion does, but i don't know that much. i've never heard first-hand reports from people going on one of compassion's trips.

anyway...you should check it out too, if you're a blog stalker like me. and i know you are.

here's the page with links to all of their blogs.

(one of them has a blog called "owl haven." i'm not really sure what that's about, but apparently she has been posting the story of how she and her husband got together. and i totally got sucked in. i'm a girl...)

and, you know, browse through some photos of children. there's a link on the right...

i know fear.

Laden With Guilt and Full of Fears

1. Laden with guilt and full of fears,
I fly to Thee, my Lord,
And not a glimpse of hope appears,
But in Thy written Word
The volumes of my Father’s grace
Does all my griefs assuage
Here I behold my Savior’s face
In every page.

2. This is the field where, hidden, lies
The pearl of price unknown
That merchant is divinely wise
Who makes the pearl his own
Here consecrated water flows
To quench my thirst of sin
Here the fair tree of knowledge grows,
No danger dwells within.

3. This is the judge that ends the strife,
Where wit and reason fail
My guide to everlasting life
Through all this gloomy vale
Oh may Thy counsels, mighty God,
My roving feet command,
Nor I forsake the happy road
That leads to Thy right hand.

In the Hours

1. In the hours of pain and sorrow,
When the world brings no relief
When the eye is dim and heavy,
And the heart oppressed with grief
While blessings flee, Savior Lord we trust in Thee!
While blessings flee, Savior Lord we trust in Thee!

2. When the snares of death surround us,
Pride, ambition, love of ease
Mammon with her false allurements,
Words that flatter, smiles that please
Then ere we yield, Savior Lord be Thou our shield
Then ere we yield, Savior Lord be Thou our shield

3. When forsaken in distress,
Poor despised and tempest-tossed
With no anchor here to stay us,
Drifting, sail and rudder lost
Then save us Thou, who trod this earth with weary brow
Then save us Thou, who trod this earth with weary brow

4. Thou the hated and forsaken,
Thou the bearer of the cross
Crowned of thorns and mocked and smitten,
Counting earthly gain but loss
When scorned are we, We joy to be the more like Thee
When scorned are we, We joy to be the more like Thee

5. Thou the Fathers best beloved,
Thou the throned and sceptered King
Who but Thee should we adoring,
All our prayers and praises bring?
So blessed are we, Savior Lord in loving Thee
So blessed are we, Savior Lord in loving Thee

boo.

that's right. i carved that. it's a spider, in honor of my arachniphobia. but i know you can tell it's a spider, because it's awesome.

tomorrow is halloween!

i kind of forgot that a basic part of my job description is to wear something halloweenish tomorrow. i work with kids. halloween is for kids. and witches.

so i went to target tonight. the night before halloween. i was hoping to find some cat ears or something, so i could be a cat like pam on the office. (because i can't actually be pam at a preschool like i want to...there's nothing kid friendly about that).

i found something that will work in the dollar section. there's always something deliciously random in the dollar section at target.

moose ears!

that's what i'm going to be. a moose. i don't know what a moose sounds like. all i know about a moose is that it has big ears that kind of look like hands. but i'm going to be wearing the ears, so i won't need to use my hands. i need to do some research.

and no, they aren't reindeer ears. the tag says moose ears.

but i will say that if i had found a santa hat, i would have absolutely worn that. the irony would have been too magical to resist.

i'm no piper.

this blog will never be a place for devotionals. i like to be ridiculous. i enjoy that way more than being serious. i'm about to share something serious, but i'm going to follow it with something ridiculous. because this is not a serious blog. usually. usually. but you can always tell i'm being serious when i use italics.

so i just read Genesis 21. it's when isaac was born.

that's nice. the promised covenant child. sarah laughed. we all like abraham.

what i really enjoyed about the story this time around, was when hagar and ishmael were sent out to the desert.

the background information here is that God promised a son to abraham, and he was old. and so was his wife sarah. like, really old. so old it's super gross to think about them having sex. so abraham was like "whatever, man. i believe you, but i don't really believe you." and then sarah was like "hagar, servant girl, sleep with my husband and give him a son." because we humans love to take matters into our own hands. so hagar had ishmael.

well in this chapter, isaac (the son that God promised would come, through sarah and abraham) was born. and sarah got all pissy because ishmael was hanging around, being an obnoxious older brother. but God said...yeah, they should probably leave.

so hagar and ishmael were banished. banished! they were sent on their way to wander around. can you imagine how lonely that was? abraham had been taking care of them and loving them (some other verses in this chapter and other chapters implied...he cared about them), so they were used to being part of that family, and all of a sudden they weren't. ishmael shouldn't have been born like that, but that's not hagar or ishmael's fault. so they were basically being punished for other people's actions. or so it seemed. they were in the desert. they were thirsty. they were crying. i'm sure it seemed like there was no hope for them, at all. i don't know the depth of those feelings, but i know what it's like to feel abandoned and hopeless. of course God showed up and said that He would make ishmael into a nation also, and it says "God was with the boy as he grew up" which is cool too.

so i was reading this story, and i just really related to it today. and i wonder why no one ever really talks about this part of the story. everyone's all about isaac and sarah and abraham. but there's this great side story about hagar and ishmael.

i mean really, when is the last time someone named their baby "hagar"? she went through some stuff.

i don't have a good summary. or a point. i'm just noting that it's a great story that is overshadowed by the awesomeness of what God did through abraham, isaac, and sarah.

so it's time for something ridiculous.

there's a girl in my class who is going through a phase. a phase where she likes to take her pants off. a lot. and sometimes when i try to pull them back up, she wiggles around so much that i can't actually get her pants back on. and yesterday i actually started laughing, maybe a little too much, because i realized how absurd it was for me to have to convince someone to keep their pants on.

monday, monday, monday.

my job made me laugh again today.

the first boy was dropped off and his dad said, "he'll probably be kind of tired today. he stayed up late watching 'army wives.'"

how, exactly, does that happen?

the next kid was dropped off, and her mom informed me that she would also be tired today. because of all the sleepwalking.

her description of last night at their house disturbed me.

she said at one point they heard her chattering and went into her room and discovered that she was sleeptalking to her baby dolls. just standing in the middle of the room, talking to them. while sleeping.

and that later they heard her running around in her room, so the mom went in and said "what are you DOING? it is not time to run around! you need to be sleeping..." and she just collapsed on the floor, instantly, into a deep sleep.

that is so eery.

that same girl is going through a phase where she screams "happy birthday!" throughout the day, for no reason. so we play along and ask whose birthday it is, and every day she picks someone different. one day it was mine. but not today.

no, today is santa's birthday.

october 27th. mark your calendars.

james morrison might be guilty.

i went to youtube today to look for a video. i have no idea why, but youtube's recommended picks for me today were:

Benny Hinn: Let the Bodies Hit the Floor
The Rapture: You NEED to see this
something about John McCain

what?

i've never in my life watched something about benny hinn on youtube. or the rapture. it was also strange that the picture shown for the rapture video was of george bush. the original george bush.

so weird.

i was looking for a john mccain video that someone told me was funny the other day. i guess youtube thinks every john mccain supporter (which i am not, see yesterday's post) is a benny hinn supporter? WHAT?

anyway. here's the video i was looking for. i guess you could put colbie caillat in my "guilty pleasure" music file. ("guilty" because she doesn't sing about anything new or interesting...and it's not the best music...i just like it when a girl singer sings in my range...and sometimes simple ideas make ok songs...)

martin luther.

i went to a great concert last night. i don't know if i've ever mentioned it on here, but...i LOVE live music. more than any other kind of music. and i haven't had any in a long time. (unless you count me singing, all the time, alone in my apartment...and i don't. my neighbors probably want me to stop. if i can hear their clock chime every 15 minutes, i guess they can hear me too...it just doesn't seem like it...)

the art music justice tour. sara groves. sandra mccracken. derek webb. charlie peacock.

brandon heath?

weird addition. i'm not saying he's a loser. i'm just saying...i never would have put that together myself. it worked though. in a way.

not the point.

wonderful, relaxing, inspiring, quality, live music. i don't regret staying up "late" for it. even though when i got back from work today i discovered that i left my milk ON TOP of the fridge, because i am completely unable to function in the morning on less than 7-8 hours sleep. and, oh yeah, i spilled my cereal on me while i was eating it this morning. not a good morning.

that's not the point either.

in between sets they talked about different organizations that do their part in bringing justice to the world. freeing slaves. feeding the hungry. it was great.

that's not the point either. it should be. but it's not.

it's been a few years since i've heard derek webb share his thoughts on a controversial subject, so i forgot that i'm always supposed to have a pen and paper with me when he speaks.

he said some words about the upcoming election. and so did my Pastor on sunday. i'm waiting for that to be posted on the website so i can post it on here, because both of them were very encouraging to me...the mystical undecided voter. my Pastor reiterated that our church doesn't endorse a specific candidate, and that Christians should make informed decisions, and be involved in the political process. and voting is one way to do that. people fought for our right to vote. it's important.

but derek's comments reminded me...i am free in Christ. i am free to vote, and i am free not to vote. mainly because he said, "you are free not to vote."

he talked a minute about how by this point a lot of people have decided who to vote for, and that's great. however, there are others of us that are probably just leaning towards one of them. but still...there's something gnawing at us. something that bothers us about that candidate. something we can't fully support. something our conscience won't let us disregard. and he talked about how it's not good to make decisions that go against our conscience. so he said...pray about it. think about it. search the Bible for a mandate to vote. and when we don't find that mandate, to remember...we are free. Christian liberty. something won for us on the Cross, among other glorious riches.

it's a privilege to live in this country. it's a blessing, actually. like i said, people fought for the right to vote. it matters.

being an american is nice. but i'm a Christian first, before everything else. i can't vote for john mccain because he is against abortion, but pretend that greed doesn't influence his policies. i can't vote for barack obama because i like what he has to say about the middle class, but pretend that i don't care that more babies will die. (totally just oversimplified both of their platforms to two complex issues...i know...)

i'm not suggesting that Christians shouldn't vote, or that my conscience is purer than other Christians and that's why i can't bring myself to vote. no. a lot of wise and godly Christians are voting. i just can't make a decision, and that's ok. i'm using my voice to say i don't support either of them. and i'm completely free in Christ to not vote.

i'm looking into third party candidates, but if i can't figure them out...i'm embracing Christian liberty. and i feel so much more at peace about that than i have felt in the past couple of months trying to figure out who to vote for.