shadows

today i did some major cleaning. i have some friends coming later this week, so i was cleaning the dark corners of my apartment that i never pay attention to.

and it was really fun. because while i cleaned i listened to BEN SOLLEE. i haven't listened to him in a few weeks. i forgot he's amazing. but i remember now.

it was also really good to be doing something. if i sit around and watch tv, my mind starts feeling burdened again.

work is not going well. as usual. but today we got another threatening memo. as in, she threatened to fire us if we don't do certain things. we get those every now and then. today's topic was showing up to work on time. this is not an issue for me. but it's still rough to get those kinds of notes. because one day she might just be annoyed with something i don't do well, and threaten to fire me for that.

plus there's the car accident issues. it has officially been a MONTH since the accident now. i'm so tired of having this on my mind. every minute of every day, it's there. my insurance told me i need to be calling the other insurance lady EVERY DAY, to get her to do her job. which means i can't push the thoughts away, i have to acknowledge them every day. but my dad said i shouldn't call every day, i should just sit back and wait to see what happens. so i don't know what i'm supposed to do. if i don't call, i think "i should have called." and if i do call, i think "i shouldn't have done that. she's going to get annoyed and do something bad." either way, i worry. i need this to be over, so bad. i want to move on. i want to live my life again.

i am still enjoying reading one of my jim elliot books. i bought them all on ebay a while ago, but i haven't read them since i bought them. so it's fun because i finally get to underline all my favorite quotes. it's fun to rediscover them. they're so familiar. today i found a couple that i somehow missed before:

"Somehow I've had trouble resting in His love the last couple of days but find afresh the truth of Romans 15:13, 'in believing' we find joy and peace. I've found it hard to do just that, doubting in darkness what God made lucidly clear in the light. But the soul is built for struggle and the Spirit given to comfort and sustain. What a wretched ingrate I am for all the blessings He has laid to me, signs that He is designing my life. Faith is to be the life-blood of the just, but my spirit's circulating system is a little sluggish, I fear."

"...but are we so childish (I do not say childlike) as to think that a God who could scheme a Jesus-plan would lead poor pilgrims into situations they could not bear? Dost thou believe that God doth answer prayer, my heart? Yea, I believe. Then will He not most assuredly answer that frequent cry of thine, 'Lead me, Lord'? I am as confident of God's leading as I am of His salvation."

i wonder what tomorrow brings.

"I see the man of sorrows and his long troubled road
I see the world on his shoulders and my easy load" - Sara Groves