this is fun. for me.
here is a list of all the books i read this year:
1. Downtown Owl - Chuck Klosterman
2. unChristian - David Kinnaman
3. Beyond Band of Brothers - Richard Winters
4. Spurgeon vs. Hypercalvinism - Iain H. Murray
5. The Reason for God - Tim Keller
6. Macbeth - Shakespeare
7. Angels and Demons - Dan Brown
8. The Rime of the Ancient Mariner and Other Poems - Coleridge
9. ANNA KARENINA - LEO TOLSTOY
10. The Man Who Mistook His Wife For a Hat - Oliver Sacks
11. The Prodigal God - Tim Keller
12. Economics In One Lesson - Henry Hazlitt
13. Uncle Tom's Cabin - Harriet Beecher Stowe
14. The Importance of Being Earnest - Oscar Wilde
15. King Lear - Shakespeare
16. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone - J. K. Rowling
17. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
18. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
19. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
20. Keeping the Sabbath Wholly - Marva J. Dawn
21. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
22. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
23. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
24. The Irresistible Revolution - Shane Claiborne
25. Frankenstein - Mary Shelley
26. Lincoln and Douglas - Allen C. Guelzo
27. five things i can't live without - Holly Shumas
29. Beowulf - Seamus Heaney
29. The Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
30. How People Change - Lane/Tripp
31. Jane Eyre (in progress)
thirty books in one year! now i'm going to enter into a competition with myself and see if i can top that in 2010.
least favorite:
five things i can't live without.
i saw it in a clearance bin for a few dollars, and took a risk. the plot sounded interesting. it was not.
favorites:
the importance of being earnest.
so unspeakably hilarious. a 50 page play. read it.
the harry potter series.
i expected to like them, because so many people i dont hate like them. but i enjoyed them for reasons i didn't expect. i think it was this huge story about the value of relationships.
economics in one lesson.
a friend recommended this one because i'm building my understanding of politics and government. it was written several decades ago, and it blew my mind how applicable it still is. i guess the basic principles never change, but it was still very interesting for him to write about how a nation could implode if it's not careful...while living on the edge of that very implosion.
beyond band of brothers.
by itself, this isn't an amazing book. but i've read band of brothers before so i really appreciated this one because of that. it's about all these guys and what they did in world war 2. written by my old man crush, richard winters. not to be confused with my dead man crush, c.s. lewis.
check out that variety. books about war, and harry potter, and theology, and plays and...
ANNA KARENINA.
i hated that book. i hated all 754 pages of it. every russian thought. no, that's not true. it was just very hard to read. i see its value. but i will not be reading it again. ever. but you should! i guess. it was my first russian novel. so that's neat.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
'tis the most stressful time of the year.
the next 6-7 weeks of work are going to be super stressful.
in february we have our annual evaluation. we don't know what day yet, but should find out soon.
we only have to have a certain score to pass, but if we don't get a score higher than that...we probably lose our jobs. even though we passed.
there are so many unpredictable factors. no amount of preparation can control 2 year olds.
there are about 100 rules to be aware of all day. not exaggerating. there are so many categories we get scored on, but they all overlap.
tonight i brought back the book of how we get scored, and made a bunch of lists of rules to make it easier to understand for my co-teacher. she's new to this process. we've been working on some of them, but there's just so much...we need to hang up reminders all over the room.
it's hard for me to not worry about this. but i'm so thankful for how God helped us last year. only 3 rooms get chosen, and mine has been picked 2 years in a row. last year i was praying "please don't let us be picked. please." over and over, from the moment i woke up until i got the call that said we were picked. and then i cussed.
but while we were waiting for that call, i remember being aware of how calm things were going so far. which is not normal. and a few things were going well that usually don't go well, and i felt like God was saying "don't worry...I'm going to help you..." and i was thinking "i don't care...i'm asking You to not let this room be picked...that's what i'm asking..."
it's so revealing. every time i start to worry about it again, it's another reminder that my sense of security comes from my job...and not from Christ like it should.
and when i read the old testament, i see how whenever the Israelites worry about something, God says "but REMEMBER what I've done. I brought you out of Egypt. I did this. I did that. REMEMBER??"
so for the next 6-7 weeks (and for the rest of my life), i'm going to work on remembering and trusting. it's hard. no matter how hard i prepare, i can't control it. i'm not good with uncertainty or lack of control. but God is. remind me of that, please.
check out the very condensed, incomplete lists of rules we're going to be working on:
yes. i made them on construction paper.
i just counted. that's 75 rules right there. so we have well over 100 rules. that have to be obeyed, in part, by 2 year olds.
i'm worrying again, aren't i.
too bad this 2 year old isn't in my class, since she's PERFECT.
in february we have our annual evaluation. we don't know what day yet, but should find out soon.
we only have to have a certain score to pass, but if we don't get a score higher than that...we probably lose our jobs. even though we passed.
there are so many unpredictable factors. no amount of preparation can control 2 year olds.
there are about 100 rules to be aware of all day. not exaggerating. there are so many categories we get scored on, but they all overlap.
tonight i brought back the book of how we get scored, and made a bunch of lists of rules to make it easier to understand for my co-teacher. she's new to this process. we've been working on some of them, but there's just so much...we need to hang up reminders all over the room.
it's hard for me to not worry about this. but i'm so thankful for how God helped us last year. only 3 rooms get chosen, and mine has been picked 2 years in a row. last year i was praying "please don't let us be picked. please." over and over, from the moment i woke up until i got the call that said we were picked. and then i cussed.
but while we were waiting for that call, i remember being aware of how calm things were going so far. which is not normal. and a few things were going well that usually don't go well, and i felt like God was saying "don't worry...I'm going to help you..." and i was thinking "i don't care...i'm asking You to not let this room be picked...that's what i'm asking..."
it's so revealing. every time i start to worry about it again, it's another reminder that my sense of security comes from my job...and not from Christ like it should.
and when i read the old testament, i see how whenever the Israelites worry about something, God says "but REMEMBER what I've done. I brought you out of Egypt. I did this. I did that. REMEMBER??"
so for the next 6-7 weeks (and for the rest of my life), i'm going to work on remembering and trusting. it's hard. no matter how hard i prepare, i can't control it. i'm not good with uncertainty or lack of control. but God is. remind me of that, please.
check out the very condensed, incomplete lists of rules we're going to be working on:
yes. i made them on construction paper.
i just counted. that's 75 rules right there. so we have well over 100 rules. that have to be obeyed, in part, by 2 year olds.
i'm worrying again, aren't i.
too bad this 2 year old isn't in my class, since she's PERFECT.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
the mundane.
- trip over. i'm back.
- i hate continental express jets. they make me feel sick. they're really hot. and my ears hurt every time i fly on them. it takes an hour or so for me to hear well again. and the woman next to me threw up. so no, it's not just me.
- i had to park in long-term parking. when i took the shuttle back to my spot, a mom by herself with her 2 year old got on. with two huge bags of luggage. i helped her with them, and felt like...a gentleman. not one man offered to help her! that would not happen in texas. i helped her. it's not that i think it's the men who have to do it, it's just that they always do in texas. without hesitation. the Christian guys here do, usually. but in texas...they all do.
- my vague new year's resolution is that i am not putting any of my cards on the table.
- my public new year's resolution is that i will continue seeking good news sources. i have been reading glenn greenwald on salon.com, and it's been so great. he is not perfect, but he finds things to praise and criticize about "both sides" in politics. and since i'm a "no side" kind of a person, i find that refreshing. but i need more than one source. everyone does.
- monday. sigh.
- i hate continental express jets. they make me feel sick. they're really hot. and my ears hurt every time i fly on them. it takes an hour or so for me to hear well again. and the woman next to me threw up. so no, it's not just me.
- i had to park in long-term parking. when i took the shuttle back to my spot, a mom by herself with her 2 year old got on. with two huge bags of luggage. i helped her with them, and felt like...a gentleman. not one man offered to help her! that would not happen in texas. i helped her. it's not that i think it's the men who have to do it, it's just that they always do in texas. without hesitation. the Christian guys here do, usually. but in texas...they all do.
- my vague new year's resolution is that i am not putting any of my cards on the table.
- my public new year's resolution is that i will continue seeking good news sources. i have been reading glenn greenwald on salon.com, and it's been so great. he is not perfect, but he finds things to praise and criticize about "both sides" in politics. and since i'm a "no side" kind of a person, i find that refreshing. but i need more than one source. everyone does.
- monday. sigh.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
my kind of lullabye.
Christmas Eve:
- last night i got to fall asleep to the soothing sounds of a thunderstorm. a texas thunderstorm. they are, of course, more magical. i sleep like a baby in thunderstorms, because i grew up with them. i'm glad this trip included one.
- my dad has the day off, and he chose to watch garfield. he was also laughing hysterically when my sister watched bewitched. the movie. you never know what will make him laugh. he's a very serious man. but whenever he sees something he thinks is funny, he can't hold back. it's always unexpected. love it.
- i mentioned yesterday that i'm going through a "surprise" phase. last night i wrapped presents and remembered this is not so new. for several years now, i have been leaving labels off the presents i wrap so my siblings won't know which one is theirs, and therefore...cannot guess what it is. to preserve the surprise! AND, when we were younger, my mom let each of us pick one present to unwrap on Christmas eve. i never did. i saved them all.
- Christmas threw up in this house. everything is red and green, santa themed, or sparkly. this is not your normal Christmas decor. i'm sitting next to a tissue box, which has a knitted red and green cover. there are nutcrackers, gingerbread men candles, musical trinkets, and four sleighs with different functions all within eyesight.
- i am looking forward to the service tonight, even though it takes place in a church with a culture that is the opposite of the one i attend. it's the main event for me this year. this year i have felt renewed wonder and excitement about what happened that day in that stable...
- last night i got to fall asleep to the soothing sounds of a thunderstorm. a texas thunderstorm. they are, of course, more magical. i sleep like a baby in thunderstorms, because i grew up with them. i'm glad this trip included one.
- my dad has the day off, and he chose to watch garfield. he was also laughing hysterically when my sister watched bewitched. the movie. you never know what will make him laugh. he's a very serious man. but whenever he sees something he thinks is funny, he can't hold back. it's always unexpected. love it.
- i mentioned yesterday that i'm going through a "surprise" phase. last night i wrapped presents and remembered this is not so new. for several years now, i have been leaving labels off the presents i wrap so my siblings won't know which one is theirs, and therefore...cannot guess what it is. to preserve the surprise! AND, when we were younger, my mom let each of us pick one present to unwrap on Christmas eve. i never did. i saved them all.
- Christmas threw up in this house. everything is red and green, santa themed, or sparkly. this is not your normal Christmas decor. i'm sitting next to a tissue box, which has a knitted red and green cover. there are nutcrackers, gingerbread men candles, musical trinkets, and four sleighs with different functions all within eyesight.
- i am looking forward to the service tonight, even though it takes place in a church with a culture that is the opposite of the one i attend. it's the main event for me this year. this year i have felt renewed wonder and excitement about what happened that day in that stable...
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
day two.
today's highlights:
- my little sister says "happy Christmas adam" the day before Christmas eve, and apparently, i'm the only loser who needed that explained to them.
REALLY?
- when people go "home" they usually have deep thoughts about how everything is the same.
i am always surprised by how many changes take place. i have absolutely no idea how to work my parents' microwave or oven. no idea. they even showed me once, and i still can't figure it out. when i went to get water out of the refrigerator door, it spilled all over the floor because it came out of a place i did not expect.
they always have little remodeling projects going on. apparently, all those years with children around were holding them back. they're ready to get back to their own lives now that they have a mostly empty nest.
- one of my high school friends has lost over 100 pounds. awesome!
- i am so allergic to houston.
- cable tv has so much programming. how do i ever pass the time without it? (stay tuned for my end of the year book report...a list of all the books i read this year...)
- i've actually become more out of tune with our culture of technology than my own parents. they have a DVR. my mom has a laptop. i don't. my dad has an iphone. i don't even have an ipod.
- i am going through a surprise phase. i just went to dinner with a friend, and told her not to tell me where we were going. i hope this is not just a phase, but a new lifestyle.
- our dog, angel, is blind. "was angel excited to...sense you...when you got here?"
Christmas eve awaits.
- my little sister says "happy Christmas adam" the day before Christmas eve, and apparently, i'm the only loser who needed that explained to them.
REALLY?
- when people go "home" they usually have deep thoughts about how everything is the same.
i am always surprised by how many changes take place. i have absolutely no idea how to work my parents' microwave or oven. no idea. they even showed me once, and i still can't figure it out. when i went to get water out of the refrigerator door, it spilled all over the floor because it came out of a place i did not expect.
they always have little remodeling projects going on. apparently, all those years with children around were holding them back. they're ready to get back to their own lives now that they have a mostly empty nest.
- one of my high school friends has lost over 100 pounds. awesome!
- i am so allergic to houston.
- cable tv has so much programming. how do i ever pass the time without it? (stay tuned for my end of the year book report...a list of all the books i read this year...)
- i've actually become more out of tune with our culture of technology than my own parents. they have a DVR. my mom has a laptop. i don't. my dad has an iphone. i don't even have an ipod.
- i am going through a surprise phase. i just went to dinner with a friend, and told her not to tell me where we were going. i hope this is not just a phase, but a new lifestyle.
- our dog, angel, is blind. "was angel excited to...sense you...when you got here?"
Christmas eve awaits.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
first impressions.
back in texas.
the facts so far:
the church i grew up in is giving away a puppy during the Christmas eve service. not sure why.
my mom spelled the word "crap" instead of actually saying it.
and then, i saw my 26 year old friend on gmail (his age is totally relevant):
me: i am in texas
Ford: what?
where?
for how long?
me: until sunday morning
Ford: well
i will probably not be able to see you
me: lame
i figured as much
Ford: =(
me: where the hell are you
Ford: unless you want to drive down to see me on christmas eve!
in the play i'm in!
i am a sheep
me: pass.
wait
what
Ford: my breakout performance
people will be talking about it for years to come
me: more details. please.
Ford: the theater as we know it will be irrevocably changed
i play a sheep
me: i don't doubt that
Ford: one of many, but, you know
me: you're in a Christmas play? as a sheep?
how did this come to be
Ford: i'm really the focus
me: the sheep usually are.
Ford: well, there is a christmas play
with animals
some of which are sheep
i am one of those
Ford: i baa
and jump around
me: are you, like, on all fours?
Ford: not at the moment
nor in the play
me: why not get little children to do this
how can you be a sheep but not be on all fours
Ford: i am a pretty clever sheep
me: i'm so confused
Ford: i have figured out bipedal locomotion
me: but why. why are you a sheep who stands.
is this like...a comedy?
Ford: to teach people about jesus, obviously
i guess
me: it has to be
what are you wearing
Ford: in the play?
white sweatsuit and a mask
black socks
me: this is so strange.
your church is putting on a funny Christmas play?
Ford: you're missing out
yeah
why is that strange
it will bring joy to an otherwise bleak holdiay
me: Christmas is a bit of a downer.
promises kept, prophecies fulfilled
Ford: yeah
who wants that?
not the jews!
texas.
surreal.
awesome.
the facts so far:
the church i grew up in is giving away a puppy during the Christmas eve service. not sure why.
my mom spelled the word "crap" instead of actually saying it.
and then, i saw my 26 year old friend on gmail (his age is totally relevant):
me: i am in texas
Ford: what?
where?
for how long?
me: until sunday morning
Ford: well
i will probably not be able to see you
me: lame
i figured as much
Ford: =(
me: where the hell are you
Ford: unless you want to drive down to see me on christmas eve!
in the play i'm in!
i am a sheep
me: pass.
wait
what
Ford: my breakout performance
people will be talking about it for years to come
me: more details. please.
Ford: the theater as we know it will be irrevocably changed
i play a sheep
me: i don't doubt that
Ford: one of many, but, you know
me: you're in a Christmas play? as a sheep?
how did this come to be
Ford: i'm really the focus
me: the sheep usually are.
Ford: well, there is a christmas play
with animals
some of which are sheep
i am one of those
Ford: i baa
and jump around
me: are you, like, on all fours?
Ford: not at the moment
nor in the play
me: why not get little children to do this
how can you be a sheep but not be on all fours
Ford: i am a pretty clever sheep
me: i'm so confused
Ford: i have figured out bipedal locomotion
me: but why. why are you a sheep who stands.
is this like...a comedy?
Ford: to teach people about jesus, obviously
i guess
me: it has to be
what are you wearing
Ford: in the play?
white sweatsuit and a mask
black socks
me: this is so strange.
your church is putting on a funny Christmas play?
Ford: you're missing out
yeah
why is that strange
it will bring joy to an otherwise bleak holdiay
me: Christmas is a bit of a downer.
promises kept, prophecies fulfilled
Ford: yeah
who wants that?
not the jews!
texas.
surreal.
awesome.
Monday, December 21, 2009
i prefer elizabeth bennett.
i just finished reading "passion and purity" for the fourth time.
the last 3 times i read it, i was held captive by some crush on a guy. 3 different guys. probably. so i'd read it, because it's such a sweet love story. and i'd be like "awwwwww that's soooooooo great."
oh, younger allison. how different you were.
but this time i had a different reason to read it.
i've mentioned that i am thinking through the consistent war that rages inside me...the tension between reason and emotion. i think through life logically. i deal with my emotions rationally. i reason them away. but i'm not always sure this is best. and i think this book speaks to that. i hope for different things, and tend to silence the hope.
the book very much talks about acknowledging those hopes and trusting God with them. i think my habit of being rational is sometimes a form of not trusting God. i'm trusting my own ability to reason.
so, here are some great quotes about that very subject.
"I do know that waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within onself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one's thoughts. It is easy to talk oneself into a decision that has no permanence - easier sometimes than to wait patiently."
"Taken in a spirit of trust, even loneliness contributes to the maturing of character, even the endurance of separation and silence and that hardest thing of all, uncertainty, can build in us a steady hope."
"It would be the easy road if the desire itself simply disappeared."
"If the yearnings went away, what would we have to offer up to the Lord?...How would we learn to submit to the authority of Christ if we had nothing to submit?"
"The disposition...to leave the dearest objects of our hearts in the sublime keeping of the general and unspecific belief that God is now answering our prayers in His own time and way, and in the best manner, involves a present process of inward crucifixion which is obviously unfavorable to the growth and even the existence of the life of self." - T.C. Upham
"Besides this, there is the somewhat philosophical realization that actually I have lost nothing. We may imagine what it would be like to share a given event and feel loss at having to experience it alone. But let us not forget - that loss is imagined, not real. I imagine peaks of enjoyment when I think of doing things together, but let not the hoping for it dull the doing of it alone. What is, is actual - what might be simply is not, and I must not therefore query God as though He robbed me - of things that are not. Further, the things that are belong to us, and they are good, God given, and enriched. Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living."
"Obedience involves for us, not physical suffering, perhaps, nor social ostracism as it has for some, but this warring with worries and regrets, this bringing into captivity our thoughts. We have planted (in our integrity) the banner of our trust in God. The consequences are His responsibility."
"I was wishing that my wishes were what God wished, and if my wishes were not what God wished, I wished that I could wish that my wishes would go away, but the wishes were still there."
the last 3 times i read it, i was held captive by some crush on a guy. 3 different guys. probably. so i'd read it, because it's such a sweet love story. and i'd be like "awwwwww that's soooooooo great."
oh, younger allison. how different you were.
but this time i had a different reason to read it.
i've mentioned that i am thinking through the consistent war that rages inside me...the tension between reason and emotion. i think through life logically. i deal with my emotions rationally. i reason them away. but i'm not always sure this is best. and i think this book speaks to that. i hope for different things, and tend to silence the hope.
the book very much talks about acknowledging those hopes and trusting God with them. i think my habit of being rational is sometimes a form of not trusting God. i'm trusting my own ability to reason.
so, here are some great quotes about that very subject.
"I do know that waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within onself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one's thoughts. It is easy to talk oneself into a decision that has no permanence - easier sometimes than to wait patiently."
"Taken in a spirit of trust, even loneliness contributes to the maturing of character, even the endurance of separation and silence and that hardest thing of all, uncertainty, can build in us a steady hope."
"It would be the easy road if the desire itself simply disappeared."
"If the yearnings went away, what would we have to offer up to the Lord?...How would we learn to submit to the authority of Christ if we had nothing to submit?"
"The disposition...to leave the dearest objects of our hearts in the sublime keeping of the general and unspecific belief that God is now answering our prayers in His own time and way, and in the best manner, involves a present process of inward crucifixion which is obviously unfavorable to the growth and even the existence of the life of self." - T.C. Upham
"Besides this, there is the somewhat philosophical realization that actually I have lost nothing. We may imagine what it would be like to share a given event and feel loss at having to experience it alone. But let us not forget - that loss is imagined, not real. I imagine peaks of enjoyment when I think of doing things together, but let not the hoping for it dull the doing of it alone. What is, is actual - what might be simply is not, and I must not therefore query God as though He robbed me - of things that are not. Further, the things that are belong to us, and they are good, God given, and enriched. Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living."
"Obedience involves for us, not physical suffering, perhaps, nor social ostracism as it has for some, but this warring with worries and regrets, this bringing into captivity our thoughts. We have planted (in our integrity) the banner of our trust in God. The consequences are His responsibility."
"I was wishing that my wishes were what God wished, and if my wishes were not what God wished, I wished that I could wish that my wishes would go away, but the wishes were still there."
Friday, December 11, 2009
number three
i forgot to tell a short story about my trip to texas last weekend.
part 1:
i remembered to pack my socks, a necklace, pajamas, cell phone charger, kailey's present, camera, and everything except...a change of clothes. how sad. i had this super cute outfit i wanted to wear, and didn't even pack it. so i had to wear the same outfit all weekend.
shrug.
part 2:
we had to drive a few hours from houston to my older sister's house.
i got bored on the drive, so i started rifling through my little sister's things. usually i start poking and pinching her, so this was a change of pace.
first thing i pulled out of her large bag that she brought for our DAY TRIP, was...a mirror.
um. what?
she said it's because it's hard to see the back of her head when she straightens her hair. so i can only assume there was also a straightener in there somewhere.
then i pulled out a bottle of perfume.
perfume for a 2 year old's birthday party.
maybe she was hoping one of the other kids would show up with their single uncle?
here's what i want to know.
how are we so different?
Monday, December 7, 2009
my mind hurts.
i need some feedback on this one.
i'm thinking through the issue of "hope" again.
and whether or not it's ever ok for a Christian to say "i give up. no more hope."
i'm speaking not of hope about the big picture, but hope about a specific situation.
i'm going to give an example. it's just an example. it's not the situation on my mind, but it actually compares really well.
so, for example:
i am looking for a new job. let's say that 15-20 years from now, nothing about my job situation has changed. i'm working the same job. i've applied for thousands more, and gone on thousands of interviews. but there's still no new job. i go on the interviews, and they go well. people like me. they say i have potential. but they always go with someone else. i get really close to having that new job, but i never actually get one.
is it ok to say "abandon hope" about that situation? to stop hoping for a new job?
God hasn't promised that i'll get a better job, or that i'll ever make a certain amount of money. He hasn't.
and it's not as though i've been saying "i need this new job. if i don't have this new job, my life has no meaning. i don't know what i'll do without a new job."
i haven't put my hope in that job, but i still hope to get one.
i find joy in different aspects of my life, and of course in Christ. i have all i need.
but every now and then, i'll see a new job posting, and think "that'd be a great job." so i apply for it. and get turned down. again, and again. and again and again.
isn't it foolish to continue hoping for a new job? isn't giving up hope the most rational thing to do?
i hope and trust and know that God provides for my every need, and i am satisfied with Him being in charge. of course i have moments when that's not true, but mostly...i like Him being in charge. even though my job is hard, i have learned so much through it. so much about myself, my sin, and my need for God. and how beautiful and wonderful He is.
but this hope, this longing...won't go away. i'm about to pray for God to take the hope away, but something about that just seems strange. and i feel like He won't. because it's been 15 years.
of course this is complicated and i even have some ideas, but i'd still like some thoughts.
i'm thinking through the issue of "hope" again.
and whether or not it's ever ok for a Christian to say "i give up. no more hope."
i'm speaking not of hope about the big picture, but hope about a specific situation.
i'm going to give an example. it's just an example. it's not the situation on my mind, but it actually compares really well.
so, for example:
i am looking for a new job. let's say that 15-20 years from now, nothing about my job situation has changed. i'm working the same job. i've applied for thousands more, and gone on thousands of interviews. but there's still no new job. i go on the interviews, and they go well. people like me. they say i have potential. but they always go with someone else. i get really close to having that new job, but i never actually get one.
is it ok to say "abandon hope" about that situation? to stop hoping for a new job?
God hasn't promised that i'll get a better job, or that i'll ever make a certain amount of money. He hasn't.
and it's not as though i've been saying "i need this new job. if i don't have this new job, my life has no meaning. i don't know what i'll do without a new job."
i haven't put my hope in that job, but i still hope to get one.
i find joy in different aspects of my life, and of course in Christ. i have all i need.
but every now and then, i'll see a new job posting, and think "that'd be a great job." so i apply for it. and get turned down. again, and again. and again and again.
isn't it foolish to continue hoping for a new job? isn't giving up hope the most rational thing to do?
i hope and trust and know that God provides for my every need, and i am satisfied with Him being in charge. of course i have moments when that's not true, but mostly...i like Him being in charge. even though my job is hard, i have learned so much through it. so much about myself, my sin, and my need for God. and how beautiful and wonderful He is.
but this hope, this longing...won't go away. i'm about to pray for God to take the hope away, but something about that just seems strange. and i feel like He won't. because it's been 15 years.
of course this is complicated and i even have some ideas, but i'd still like some thoughts.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
a lovely weekend.
isn't she the cutest.
i, being a narcissist, took a video of her opening the present i got her. i think she's got the cutest little voice, and i love hearing her say my name. she calls me allie. which no one ever does. ever. my mom called me "allie nay" sometimes, because my middle name is renee. but thats it. aunt allie. that's me.
and another video just because...
check out my sister's belly. that's so weird to say. gross. but there's a baby in there!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
wonder.
this blows my mind.
kailey's first Christmas, the first time i met her, when she was just a few weeks old:
her second Christmas:
this year's picture:
how in the world.
i can remember growing up, when people used to tell me: "look how big you've gotten! you've grown so much!" and i'd think "um. OK. i'm the same as always. who are you, anyway..."
now i understand.
i can't wait to see her on saturday for her big 2nd birthday!
kailey's first Christmas, the first time i met her, when she was just a few weeks old:
her second Christmas:
this year's picture:
how in the world.
i can remember growing up, when people used to tell me: "look how big you've gotten! you've grown so much!" and i'd think "um. OK. i'm the same as always. who are you, anyway..."
now i understand.
i can't wait to see her on saturday for her big 2nd birthday!
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
you and i, both.
today was a series of strange happenings.
i woke up at 6am. normal. my toilet was running. so i had to turn the water off. i was glad that at some point in my life i learned to do that. it was not weird to have a running toilet, and it was not weird to turn the water off. and it was not even weird to be thankful that i knew to do so. it was weird to be aware at 6am that i was glad to know to turn the water off. i'm not usually aware of anything at 6am.
continuing my day...
for the past few mornings i have left for work, and been stricken with panic halfway through my drive. "did i lock the door? i don't remember locking the door. i don't think i locked the door." but it's too late to turn back at that point. i get so used to my routines that i don't remember going through them. so this morning, continuing with the weirdness, i had enough presence of mind to tell myself "you are locking the door. you are locking the door. you are locking the door."
then i realized i forgot my cell phone, which i never do, so i had to go back in and get it. and lock my door again. "you are locking the door again. you are locking the door again."
weird.
i went to hear tim keller speak.
not weird.
but i went there straight from work, so i got there way early. so i brought a book and a flashlight. i don't know why i didn't just go in way early, but i actually thought ahead to bring a flashlight. and a book. beowulf. so i read beowulf in my car, with a flashlight.
weird.
also weird: i strategically picked my parking spot so that i'd be one of the first to exit. a few minutes after i pulled in, they blocked off my section of the parking lot so no one else could get in. they wanted to fill the back section up first. so i sat there, feeling like a criminal, in the middle of an empty parking lot, reading beowulf with a flashlight.
i went in eventually, blah blah. one of the first sentences out of his mouth was "to use augustinian language..."
and my immediate thought was "oh my gosh. i love being here right now."
and then...
"don't forget to go to the bathroom here before you leave. your toilet is running."
weird day.
i woke up at 6am. normal. my toilet was running. so i had to turn the water off. i was glad that at some point in my life i learned to do that. it was not weird to have a running toilet, and it was not weird to turn the water off. and it was not even weird to be thankful that i knew to do so. it was weird to be aware at 6am that i was glad to know to turn the water off. i'm not usually aware of anything at 6am.
continuing my day...
for the past few mornings i have left for work, and been stricken with panic halfway through my drive. "did i lock the door? i don't remember locking the door. i don't think i locked the door." but it's too late to turn back at that point. i get so used to my routines that i don't remember going through them. so this morning, continuing with the weirdness, i had enough presence of mind to tell myself "you are locking the door. you are locking the door. you are locking the door."
then i realized i forgot my cell phone, which i never do, so i had to go back in and get it. and lock my door again. "you are locking the door again. you are locking the door again."
weird.
i went to hear tim keller speak.
not weird.
but i went there straight from work, so i got there way early. so i brought a book and a flashlight. i don't know why i didn't just go in way early, but i actually thought ahead to bring a flashlight. and a book. beowulf. so i read beowulf in my car, with a flashlight.
weird.
also weird: i strategically picked my parking spot so that i'd be one of the first to exit. a few minutes after i pulled in, they blocked off my section of the parking lot so no one else could get in. they wanted to fill the back section up first. so i sat there, feeling like a criminal, in the middle of an empty parking lot, reading beowulf with a flashlight.
i went in eventually, blah blah. one of the first sentences out of his mouth was "to use augustinian language..."
and my immediate thought was "oh my gosh. i love being here right now."
and then...
"don't forget to go to the bathroom here before you leave. your toilet is running."
weird day.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
MLIA
my night vision is not so good.
tonight i saw a guy walking down the street carrying what i thought was a boombox. like in the 90's. turns out, it was a case of beer. i was disappointed.
and a different night i thought i saw a bride and groom walking down the street. but it was just someone carrying a large, white, trash bag.
shrug.
i am so angry with my subconscious self.
there are only a few ways a 25-year-old single girl can deal with the fact that she's single and doesn't want to be.
she can totally lose her mind, stalk a guy, make him feel uncomfortable, and cry a lot.
she can "take it to the cross", gaze at Christ, and remember He is captivating, satisfying, and lovely. she can remind herself that she is more than ok, she is loved by God.
that is, of course, the best method.
i usually choose to ignore the desire all together. i am such a robot, you have no idea. if i meet a guy i like, i talk myself out of the crush within a week. successfully. you don't believe me, because you can't do it. but i can.
the one flaw with this gift is that i have not yet discovered how to control my dreams. ugh. last night i dreamed i got engaged. UGH. and it was, like, enjoyable or whatever. but then, you know, i woke up.
hey self: suppress what i tell you to suppress!
however, the night before i had a more awesome dream. both of these were the result of cold medicine. i have the best dreams on cold medicine. so lucid.
so this other dream was about the end of the world. oh yeah.
a few friends and i developed this indestructible pod thing, and all climbed inside when it started flooding, which we knew was a clue that the world was ending. we even had glass windows to look through, and watch all the people drowning (sorry?), and even those did not get broken.
but then we were floating by all these people eating dinner. people i know! people from church, people from college. none of them cared at all that the world was ending. i was like "thats weird." all those people i respected thought nothing was amiss.
so we kept floating along.
and eventually landed...in a desert. then we realized "crap. the world did not end. it was just a flood. now we're stuck in the desert." but, we also discovered that someone had put a million dollars in our pod, because they knew it wasn't really the end of the world, and we'd need some money to get back when we figured it out.
~ the end ~
how many of your dreams have plots and conclusions?
tonight i saw a guy walking down the street carrying what i thought was a boombox. like in the 90's. turns out, it was a case of beer. i was disappointed.
and a different night i thought i saw a bride and groom walking down the street. but it was just someone carrying a large, white, trash bag.
shrug.
i am so angry with my subconscious self.
there are only a few ways a 25-year-old single girl can deal with the fact that she's single and doesn't want to be.
she can totally lose her mind, stalk a guy, make him feel uncomfortable, and cry a lot.
she can "take it to the cross", gaze at Christ, and remember He is captivating, satisfying, and lovely. she can remind herself that she is more than ok, she is loved by God.
that is, of course, the best method.
i usually choose to ignore the desire all together. i am such a robot, you have no idea. if i meet a guy i like, i talk myself out of the crush within a week. successfully. you don't believe me, because you can't do it. but i can.
the one flaw with this gift is that i have not yet discovered how to control my dreams. ugh. last night i dreamed i got engaged. UGH. and it was, like, enjoyable or whatever. but then, you know, i woke up.
hey self: suppress what i tell you to suppress!
however, the night before i had a more awesome dream. both of these were the result of cold medicine. i have the best dreams on cold medicine. so lucid.
so this other dream was about the end of the world. oh yeah.
a few friends and i developed this indestructible pod thing, and all climbed inside when it started flooding, which we knew was a clue that the world was ending. we even had glass windows to look through, and watch all the people drowning (sorry?), and even those did not get broken.
but then we were floating by all these people eating dinner. people i know! people from church, people from college. none of them cared at all that the world was ending. i was like "thats weird." all those people i respected thought nothing was amiss.
so we kept floating along.
and eventually landed...in a desert. then we realized "crap. the world did not end. it was just a flood. now we're stuck in the desert." but, we also discovered that someone had put a million dollars in our pod, because they knew it wasn't really the end of the world, and we'd need some money to get back when we figured it out.
~ the end ~
how many of your dreams have plots and conclusions?
Monday, November 9, 2009
conversations with 2 year olds.
girl: whats that?
me: what do you think?
girl: i don't know.
me: it's a bird!
girl: it's a parrot.
why bother asking.
me: what do you think?
girl: i don't know.
me: it's a bird!
girl: it's a parrot.
why bother asking.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
ugh, rat cage.
“Perhaps a lunatic is simply a minority of one.” – 1984, George Orwell
i have so many thoughts swimming through my head. i just finished reading “the irresistible revolution.”
it’s nice to know i’m not as crazy as it sometimes feels i am. that’s hard to break down. example: i voted third party in the last election. some people’s comments made it seem like i was naïve or didn’t put enough thought into my vote. i’m not crazy.
i am taking two major thoughts away from this book.
1) the vision and drive to help eradicate poverty in other countries, and even in our own, is coming largely from unbelievers. this should not be. but if we don’t cry out, the rocks will, right? and they have been…
2) “Almost every time we talk with affluent folks about God’s will to end poverty, someone says, “But didn’t Jesus say, ‘The poor will always be with you’?” Many of the people who whip out this verse have grown quite insulated and distant from the poor and feel defensive. I usually gently ask, “Where are the poor? Are the poor among us?” The answer is usually a clear negatory…Far from saying in defeat that we should not worry about the poor, since they will always be among us, Jesus is pointing the church to her true identity – she is to live close to those who suffer.”
that’s a big one for me. i hear that objection a lot. and it has always been unsettling. anytime you get worked up about poverty, someone says that! as if that’s an excuse for not weeping for those who suffer. not just donating money or serving dinner to homeless people on thanksgiving, but actually grieving the fact that people live in poverty. are the poor with me? not just out in the world somewhere, but sitting on my front porch or in the pew next to me at church.
it is hard to have passions and dreams that other people explain away, or don’t feel themselves.. it is discouraging to feel hope for change, but not know how to bring it about. this book has definitely helped me process a lot that has been stirring inside me for the past few years. which is too long. when i graduated, i had a super hard time trying to find a job. even though i have one of those magical college degrees. so i began to imagine how hard it must be for people who don't have one...which opened the door to a lot more questions.
and now i can never go back to ignoring poverty, or how it happens. or blaming the people in poverty for not working hard enough.
i don’t feel like saying anything else. i don’t really know what to say. or do. but i’m so glad i go to a church that has the same crazy dreams, and can help me figure it all out.
just read these quotes. believe it or not, i narrowed it down.
Meanwhile, many of us find ourselves estranged from the narrow issues that define conservatives and from the shallow spirituality that marks liberals. We are thirsty for social justice and peace but have a hard time finding a faith community that is consistently pro-life or that recognizes that there are “moral issues” other than homosexuality and abortion, moral issues like war and poverty.
We can admire and worship Jesus without doing what he did. We can applaud what he preached and stood for without caring about the same things. We can adore his cross without taking up ours. I had come to see that the great tragedy in the church is not that rich Christians do not care about the poor but that rich Christians do not know the poor.
If you ask most people what Christians believe, they can tell you, “Christians believe that Jesus is God’s Son and that Jesus rose from the dead.” But if you ask the average person how Christians live, they are struck silent. We have not shown the world another way of doing life.
Sometimes we speak to change the world; other times we speak to keep the world from changing us. We are about ending poverty, not simply managing it. We give people fish. We teach them to fish. We tear down the walls that have been built up around the fish pond. And we figure out who polluted it.
We try to make the world safe, knowing that the world will never be safe as long as millions live in poverty so the few can live as they wish.
It is a beautiful thing when folks in poverty are no longer just a missions project but become genuine friends and family with whom we laugh, cry, dream, and struggle.
Once we are actually friends with folks in struggle, we start to ask why people are poor, which is never as popular as giving to charity.
When the church becomes a place of brokerage rather than an organic community, she ceases to be alive. She ceases to be something we are, the living bride of Christ. The church becomes a distribution center, a place where the poor come to get stuff and the rich come to dump stuff. Both go away satisfied (the rich feel good, the poor get clothed and fed), but no one leaves transformed. No radical new community is formed.
As we consider what it means to be “born again,” as the evangelical jargon goes, we must ask what it means to be born again into a family in which our sisters and brothers are starving to death….It also becomes scandalous for the church to spend money on windows and buildings when some family members don’t even have water.
I’m convinced that God did not mess up and make too many people and not enough stuff. Poverty was created not by God but by you and me, because we have not learned to love our neighbors as ourselves.
Look into the eyes of the ones who are hardest for you to like, and see the One you love.
While most activists could use a good dose of gentleness (after all, it is a fruit of the Spirit), I think most believers could use a good dose of holy anger.
…what is crazier: one person owning the same amount of money as the combined economies of twenty-three countries, or suggesting that if we shared, there would be enough for everyone?
Someday war and poverty will be crazy, and we will wonder how the world allowed such things to exist. Some of us have just caught a glimpse of the beauty of the promised land, and it is so dazzling that our eyes are forever fixed on it, never to look back at the way of that old empire again.
i have so many thoughts swimming through my head. i just finished reading “the irresistible revolution.”
it’s nice to know i’m not as crazy as it sometimes feels i am. that’s hard to break down. example: i voted third party in the last election. some people’s comments made it seem like i was naïve or didn’t put enough thought into my vote. i’m not crazy.
i am taking two major thoughts away from this book.
1) the vision and drive to help eradicate poverty in other countries, and even in our own, is coming largely from unbelievers. this should not be. but if we don’t cry out, the rocks will, right? and they have been…
2) “Almost every time we talk with affluent folks about God’s will to end poverty, someone says, “But didn’t Jesus say, ‘The poor will always be with you’?” Many of the people who whip out this verse have grown quite insulated and distant from the poor and feel defensive. I usually gently ask, “Where are the poor? Are the poor among us?” The answer is usually a clear negatory…Far from saying in defeat that we should not worry about the poor, since they will always be among us, Jesus is pointing the church to her true identity – she is to live close to those who suffer.”
that’s a big one for me. i hear that objection a lot. and it has always been unsettling. anytime you get worked up about poverty, someone says that! as if that’s an excuse for not weeping for those who suffer. not just donating money or serving dinner to homeless people on thanksgiving, but actually grieving the fact that people live in poverty. are the poor with me? not just out in the world somewhere, but sitting on my front porch or in the pew next to me at church.
it is hard to have passions and dreams that other people explain away, or don’t feel themselves.. it is discouraging to feel hope for change, but not know how to bring it about. this book has definitely helped me process a lot that has been stirring inside me for the past few years. which is too long. when i graduated, i had a super hard time trying to find a job. even though i have one of those magical college degrees. so i began to imagine how hard it must be for people who don't have one...which opened the door to a lot more questions.
and now i can never go back to ignoring poverty, or how it happens. or blaming the people in poverty for not working hard enough.
i don’t feel like saying anything else. i don’t really know what to say. or do. but i’m so glad i go to a church that has the same crazy dreams, and can help me figure it all out.
just read these quotes. believe it or not, i narrowed it down.
Meanwhile, many of us find ourselves estranged from the narrow issues that define conservatives and from the shallow spirituality that marks liberals. We are thirsty for social justice and peace but have a hard time finding a faith community that is consistently pro-life or that recognizes that there are “moral issues” other than homosexuality and abortion, moral issues like war and poverty.
We can admire and worship Jesus without doing what he did. We can applaud what he preached and stood for without caring about the same things. We can adore his cross without taking up ours. I had come to see that the great tragedy in the church is not that rich Christians do not care about the poor but that rich Christians do not know the poor.
If you ask most people what Christians believe, they can tell you, “Christians believe that Jesus is God’s Son and that Jesus rose from the dead.” But if you ask the average person how Christians live, they are struck silent. We have not shown the world another way of doing life.
Sometimes we speak to change the world; other times we speak to keep the world from changing us. We are about ending poverty, not simply managing it. We give people fish. We teach them to fish. We tear down the walls that have been built up around the fish pond. And we figure out who polluted it.
We try to make the world safe, knowing that the world will never be safe as long as millions live in poverty so the few can live as they wish.
It is a beautiful thing when folks in poverty are no longer just a missions project but become genuine friends and family with whom we laugh, cry, dream, and struggle.
Once we are actually friends with folks in struggle, we start to ask why people are poor, which is never as popular as giving to charity.
When the church becomes a place of brokerage rather than an organic community, she ceases to be alive. She ceases to be something we are, the living bride of Christ. The church becomes a distribution center, a place where the poor come to get stuff and the rich come to dump stuff. Both go away satisfied (the rich feel good, the poor get clothed and fed), but no one leaves transformed. No radical new community is formed.
As we consider what it means to be “born again,” as the evangelical jargon goes, we must ask what it means to be born again into a family in which our sisters and brothers are starving to death….It also becomes scandalous for the church to spend money on windows and buildings when some family members don’t even have water.
I’m convinced that God did not mess up and make too many people and not enough stuff. Poverty was created not by God but by you and me, because we have not learned to love our neighbors as ourselves.
Look into the eyes of the ones who are hardest for you to like, and see the One you love.
While most activists could use a good dose of gentleness (after all, it is a fruit of the Spirit), I think most believers could use a good dose of holy anger.
…what is crazier: one person owning the same amount of money as the combined economies of twenty-three countries, or suggesting that if we shared, there would be enough for everyone?
Someday war and poverty will be crazy, and we will wonder how the world allowed such things to exist. Some of us have just caught a glimpse of the beauty of the promised land, and it is so dazzling that our eyes are forever fixed on it, never to look back at the way of that old empire again.
november 7th.
what do you do when one of your best friends gets MARRIED, and you can't go to the wedding?
you feel sad that you can't be there.
you think about how the word "congratulations" is not quite enough to convey what you feel.
you steal a picture of them off of facebook to put on your blog, and don't really care how creeped out you would feel if someone did that with your picture.
you remember how a few months before they started dating, you totally called it. which is more impressive when you remember that you didn't know her name, and he lived in another country at the time.
but mostly...
you thank God for something so wonderful, and rejoice with them from halfway across the country.
and once again request that their first daughter be named allison. or renee. just because.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
b.s.
don't know why this song is in my head today. i've never even seen the movie.
there's one movie coming out i'm excited to see. arrested development.
i thought about that today because a new teacher at our school is from england. and we were talking today (and she is so nice!), and she was talking about england. so i started talking about how i've never been there, but i really love english/british writers. because they're so smart. and funny.
and it reminded me of a few episodes of arrested development. when michael dates a mentally disabled person who has a british accent, he just doesn't notice because of her accent. because it makes her sound smart.
best mocking of stereotypes ever.
there's one movie coming out i'm excited to see. arrested development.
i thought about that today because a new teacher at our school is from england. and we were talking today (and she is so nice!), and she was talking about england. so i started talking about how i've never been there, but i really love english/british writers. because they're so smart. and funny.
and it reminded me of a few episodes of arrested development. when michael dates a mentally disabled person who has a british accent, he just doesn't notice because of her accent. because it makes her sound smart.
best mocking of stereotypes ever.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
october 31, 1517.
it was interesting to read the 95 theses today. because luther didn't want to split from the catholic Church, he just wanted to reform it. so it's clear he still thought the pope was cool. and purgatory. but i ignored that and was encouraged by the Truth.
i enjoyed celebrating reformation day today. it makes me want to study more reformation literature.
by Scripture alone, by faith alone, by grace alone, through Christ alone, glory to God alone!
luther threw down.
from the 95 theses:
37. Every true Christian, whether living or dead, has part in all the blessings of Christ and the Church; and this is granted him by God, even without letters of pardon.
42. Christians are to be taught that the pope does not intend the buying of pardons to be compared in any way to works of mercy.
43. Christians are to be taught that he who gives to the poor or lends to the needy does a better work than buying pardons;
44. Because love grows by works of love, and man becomes better; but by pardons man does not grow better, only more free from penalty.
45. Christians are to be taught that he who sees a man in need, and passes him by, and gives [his money] for pardons, purchases not the indulgences of the pope, but the indignation of God.
54. Injury is done the Word of God when, in the same sermon, an equal or a longer time is spent on pardons than on this Word.
55. It must be the intention of the pope that if pardons, which are a very small thing, are celebrated with one bell, with single processions and ceremonies, then the Gospel, which is the very greatest thing, should be preached with a hundred bells, a hundred processions, a hundred ceremonies.
79. To say that the cross, emblazoned with the papal arms, which is set up [by the preachers of indulgences], is of equal worth with the Cross of Christ, is blasphemy.
86. Again: — “Why does not the pope, whose wealth is to-day greater than the riches of the richest, build just this one church of St. Peter with his own money, rather than with the money of poor believers?”
92. Away, then, with all those prophets who say to the people of Christ, “Peace, peace,” and there is no peace!
93. Blessed be all those prophets who say to the people of Christ, “Cross, cross,” and there is no cross!
94. Christians are to be exhorted that they be diligent in following Christ, their Head, through penalties, deaths, and hell;
95. And thus be confident of entering into heaven rather through many tribulations, than through the assurance of peace.
and "a mighty fortress is our God," a hymn he wrote:
1. A mighty fortress is our God,
a bulwark never failing;
our helper he amid the flood
of mortal ills prevailing.
For still our ancient foe
doth seek to work us woe;
his craft and power are great,
and armed with cruel hate,
on earth is not his equal.
2. Did we in our own strength confide,
our striving would be losing,
were not the right man on our side,
the man of God's own choosing.
Dost ask who that may be?
Christ Jesus, it is he;
Lord Sabaoth, his name,
from age to age the same,
and he must win the battle.
3. And though this world, with devils filled,
should threaten to undo us,
we will not fear, for God hath willed
his truth to triumph through us.
The Prince of Darkness grim,
we tremble not for him;
his rage we can endure,
for lo, his doom is sure;
one little word shall fell him.
4. That word above all earthly powers,
no thanks to them, abideth;
the Spirit and the gifts are ours,
thru him who with us sideth.
Let goods and kindred go,
this mortal life also;
the body they may kill;
God's truth abideth still;
his kingdom is forever.
i enjoyed celebrating reformation day today. it makes me want to study more reformation literature.
by Scripture alone, by faith alone, by grace alone, through Christ alone, glory to God alone!
luther threw down.
from the 95 theses:
37. Every true Christian, whether living or dead, has part in all the blessings of Christ and the Church; and this is granted him by God, even without letters of pardon.
42. Christians are to be taught that the pope does not intend the buying of pardons to be compared in any way to works of mercy.
43. Christians are to be taught that he who gives to the poor or lends to the needy does a better work than buying pardons;
44. Because love grows by works of love, and man becomes better; but by pardons man does not grow better, only more free from penalty.
45. Christians are to be taught that he who sees a man in need, and passes him by, and gives [his money] for pardons, purchases not the indulgences of the pope, but the indignation of God.
54. Injury is done the Word of God when, in the same sermon, an equal or a longer time is spent on pardons than on this Word.
55. It must be the intention of the pope that if pardons, which are a very small thing, are celebrated with one bell, with single processions and ceremonies, then the Gospel, which is the very greatest thing, should be preached with a hundred bells, a hundred processions, a hundred ceremonies.
79. To say that the cross, emblazoned with the papal arms, which is set up [by the preachers of indulgences], is of equal worth with the Cross of Christ, is blasphemy.
86. Again: — “Why does not the pope, whose wealth is to-day greater than the riches of the richest, build just this one church of St. Peter with his own money, rather than with the money of poor believers?”
92. Away, then, with all those prophets who say to the people of Christ, “Peace, peace,” and there is no peace!
93. Blessed be all those prophets who say to the people of Christ, “Cross, cross,” and there is no cross!
94. Christians are to be exhorted that they be diligent in following Christ, their Head, through penalties, deaths, and hell;
95. And thus be confident of entering into heaven rather through many tribulations, than through the assurance of peace.
and "a mighty fortress is our God," a hymn he wrote:
1. A mighty fortress is our God,
a bulwark never failing;
our helper he amid the flood
of mortal ills prevailing.
For still our ancient foe
doth seek to work us woe;
his craft and power are great,
and armed with cruel hate,
on earth is not his equal.
2. Did we in our own strength confide,
our striving would be losing,
were not the right man on our side,
the man of God's own choosing.
Dost ask who that may be?
Christ Jesus, it is he;
Lord Sabaoth, his name,
from age to age the same,
and he must win the battle.
3. And though this world, with devils filled,
should threaten to undo us,
we will not fear, for God hath willed
his truth to triumph through us.
The Prince of Darkness grim,
we tremble not for him;
his rage we can endure,
for lo, his doom is sure;
one little word shall fell him.
4. That word above all earthly powers,
no thanks to them, abideth;
the Spirit and the gifts are ours,
thru him who with us sideth.
Let goods and kindred go,
this mortal life also;
the body they may kill;
God's truth abideth still;
his kingdom is forever.
i feel dirty.
i have always been one of those people who will only read one book at a time. it bothers me to read more than one. my mind is invested in whatever i'm reading, so it's hard to invest in more than one.
somehow, i have found myself reading four books at once.
four.
here is how this slippery slope unfolded:
i started reading frankenstein. cool. my one book.
then my neighborhood group started reading a book together, so that's two. but i felt ok about it because i only read a chapter a week, and i'm doing it with other people. it's called "how people change" and it is interesting.
then...
i don't know how or why...
but i started reading a book called "lincoln and douglas: the debates that changed america." i read from every genre, but this is my first history book. i feel like i'm cheating on frankenstein. frankenstein is good, but like all classic literature...i kind of hate it, but i'm sure i will love it when i read the last few pages. i got bored with it, and started reading about lincoln. i have a pile of unread books and it was in the pile. just sitting there.
book four...
i went over to a house. these people have my dream book collection. so many different genres. quality books in each of them. i picked one up and said "were you telling me about this book? someone was." and next thing i know, it was being lent to me.
the irresistible revolution by shane clairborne.
i want to immediately rebel against anything rob bell validates, but it's good. i'm not that far into it, but i understand the thought process so far.
anyway.
i'm a literature whore. i don't know how this happened.
and if you need more material with which to mock my nerd qualities:
today i am attending a reformation day party. there will be a powerpoint presentation about church history, and then a viewing of the movie "luther." and at some point today i'm going to read the 95 theses. for fun. and because it's the anniversary of when he posted them.
happy reformation day!
somehow, i have found myself reading four books at once.
four.
here is how this slippery slope unfolded:
i started reading frankenstein. cool. my one book.
then my neighborhood group started reading a book together, so that's two. but i felt ok about it because i only read a chapter a week, and i'm doing it with other people. it's called "how people change" and it is interesting.
then...
i don't know how or why...
but i started reading a book called "lincoln and douglas: the debates that changed america." i read from every genre, but this is my first history book. i feel like i'm cheating on frankenstein. frankenstein is good, but like all classic literature...i kind of hate it, but i'm sure i will love it when i read the last few pages. i got bored with it, and started reading about lincoln. i have a pile of unread books and it was in the pile. just sitting there.
book four...
i went over to a house. these people have my dream book collection. so many different genres. quality books in each of them. i picked one up and said "were you telling me about this book? someone was." and next thing i know, it was being lent to me.
the irresistible revolution by shane clairborne.
i want to immediately rebel against anything rob bell validates, but it's good. i'm not that far into it, but i understand the thought process so far.
anyway.
i'm a literature whore. i don't know how this happened.
and if you need more material with which to mock my nerd qualities:
today i am attending a reformation day party. there will be a powerpoint presentation about church history, and then a viewing of the movie "luther." and at some point today i'm going to read the 95 theses. for fun. and because it's the anniversary of when he posted them.
happy reformation day!
Friday, October 30, 2009
buzz.
today at work we trick-or-treated across the street at a fire/police station. it was as cute as it sounds. 100 or so kids crossing the street in their costumes, getting candy from friendly firemen, and taking pictures with fire trucks.
the costumes included:
ladybugs
lions
bees
monkeys
princesses
fairies
cheerleaders
a candy corn witch
cats
pumpkins
elmo
dinosaurs
turtle
batman
superman
so cute. kind of cliche, but definitely cute.
best moment of the day:
after the fire station visit, we crossed through the parking lot of an office building to get to a nursing home. while passing through the lot, there were 3 adult pirates. taking a smoke break. while 100 children passed.
that happened.
other cuteness:
i saw a kid in another class taking a nap in his superman costume. cape and all. the man of steel all tuckered out.
batman was in my class last year. he was walking in front of me in the costume parade, and kept looking back over his shoulder to wave at me.
but no one
no one
no one
is as cute or cool as this little girl. my niece is a flower this year.
the costumes included:
ladybugs
lions
bees
monkeys
princesses
fairies
cheerleaders
a candy corn witch
cats
pumpkins
elmo
dinosaurs
turtle
batman
superman
so cute. kind of cliche, but definitely cute.
best moment of the day:
after the fire station visit, we crossed through the parking lot of an office building to get to a nursing home. while passing through the lot, there were 3 adult pirates. taking a smoke break. while 100 children passed.
that happened.
other cuteness:
i saw a kid in another class taking a nap in his superman costume. cape and all. the man of steel all tuckered out.
batman was in my class last year. he was walking in front of me in the costume parade, and kept looking back over his shoulder to wave at me.
but no one
no one
no one
is as cute or cool as this little girl. my niece is a flower this year.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
i have a martin. it smells good.
only something fabulous would make me post twice in a day.
this is going to be hard to articulate.
i used to play guitar. used to. i spent many evenings trying to learn the songs of one christian artist that wrote songs so beautiful i didn't always understand them. and then she left. she disappeared from the scene. just...gone. no one knows why. she just stopped making music, and no one would talk about it.
it made me really, really sad. i'd check the internet every now and then to see if she was doing anything. but i never could find anything.
but apparently...
she's back. almost. releasing new music in 2010.
jennifer knapp!
i'm kind of scared. i don't listen to christian music anymore. some of it, yes. i like songs about Jesus. but most of it makes me cringe. (separate topic people, separate topic...)
but in my mind she's always been one of the good ones. i'm afraid she won't be anymore. you know, like brett favre. he should have retired as a packer like...10 years ago. i don't want her to be brett favre. i'm also afraid that maybe that she never was any good. i listened to some bad music in my youth. i don't want her to become one of the bad ones who just throw Jesus' name into a song and don't care that the music sounds like crap.
because she's my jennifer knapp.
like i said, hard to articulate. i think i've said it before but music, for me, is not just about...the music. it's connected to my emotions, and periods of time in my life.
and where was she? i have always figured it was some sad story. not an external tragedy, but an internal one.
due to her exodus/hiatus/whatever you want to call it...i couldn't find any of my favorite songs on youtube. but i found this one. i haven't listened to it in years, but i started singing along without even thinking about it. brains are neat.
this is going to be hard to articulate.
i used to play guitar. used to. i spent many evenings trying to learn the songs of one christian artist that wrote songs so beautiful i didn't always understand them. and then she left. she disappeared from the scene. just...gone. no one knows why. she just stopped making music, and no one would talk about it.
it made me really, really sad. i'd check the internet every now and then to see if she was doing anything. but i never could find anything.
but apparently...
she's back. almost. releasing new music in 2010.
jennifer knapp!
i'm kind of scared. i don't listen to christian music anymore. some of it, yes. i like songs about Jesus. but most of it makes me cringe. (separate topic people, separate topic...)
but in my mind she's always been one of the good ones. i'm afraid she won't be anymore. you know, like brett favre. he should have retired as a packer like...10 years ago. i don't want her to be brett favre. i'm also afraid that maybe that she never was any good. i listened to some bad music in my youth. i don't want her to become one of the bad ones who just throw Jesus' name into a song and don't care that the music sounds like crap.
because she's my jennifer knapp.
like i said, hard to articulate. i think i've said it before but music, for me, is not just about...the music. it's connected to my emotions, and periods of time in my life.
and where was she? i have always figured it was some sad story. not an external tragedy, but an internal one.
due to her exodus/hiatus/whatever you want to call it...i couldn't find any of my favorite songs on youtube. but i found this one. i haven't listened to it in years, but i started singing along without even thinking about it. brains are neat.
i don't have a point.
similarities between small children and drunk people:
- the stumbling
- the running into things
- the falling down a lot
- the incoherent mumbling
similarities between small children and animals:
- the pooping at will
- the playing with the poop
- the eating off the floor
- the shredding of anything shreddable
- the lapping up of anything liquid, whether it comes from a toilet or a puddle
- the biting and fighting to survive
- the stumbling
- the running into things
- the falling down a lot
- the incoherent mumbling
similarities between small children and animals:
- the pooping at will
- the playing with the poop
- the eating off the floor
- the shredding of anything shreddable
- the lapping up of anything liquid, whether it comes from a toilet or a puddle
- the biting and fighting to survive
Monday, October 26, 2009
used to be commander in chief of my pimp ship flyin' high
i have a random song in my head.
it's after 10pm and i'm breaking my own rule of "no blogging after 10pm." will i regret this tomorrow?
thoughts before going to bed:
i am almost out of toilet paper, and i forgot to buy more at the store yesterday. i've had to ration it this evening. i am hoping nothing goes wrong tonight, if you know what i mean.
there's a very good chance i'll regret this post tomorrow.
also:
i've been reading more c.s. lewis quotes online tonight. for fun. i don't feel weird about saying i have a crush on a dead man anymore. maybe because it's after 10, maybe not.
he just has this way of attacking an issue from every conceivable angle. i can't finish one of his books and wonder "well what about ___" because...he already went there. he's not even my favorite because he writes about Jesus. i do love Jesus. i just like his style of writing, and his use of reason. i love that i have to read some of his sentences 10 times to grasp the meaning.
anyway. tomorrow awaits. and as c.s. lewis says:
"Relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing had yet been done..."
i've been sucked into watching random people cover songs on youtube. i don't know the song these people are covering, but they do a good job, yes?
it's after 10pm and i'm breaking my own rule of "no blogging after 10pm." will i regret this tomorrow?
thoughts before going to bed:
i am almost out of toilet paper, and i forgot to buy more at the store yesterday. i've had to ration it this evening. i am hoping nothing goes wrong tonight, if you know what i mean.
there's a very good chance i'll regret this post tomorrow.
also:
i've been reading more c.s. lewis quotes online tonight. for fun. i don't feel weird about saying i have a crush on a dead man anymore. maybe because it's after 10, maybe not.
he just has this way of attacking an issue from every conceivable angle. i can't finish one of his books and wonder "well what about ___" because...he already went there. he's not even my favorite because he writes about Jesus. i do love Jesus. i just like his style of writing, and his use of reason. i love that i have to read some of his sentences 10 times to grasp the meaning.
anyway. tomorrow awaits. and as c.s. lewis says:
"Relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing had yet been done..."
i've been sucked into watching random people cover songs on youtube. i don't know the song these people are covering, but they do a good job, yes?
Sunday, October 25, 2009
i do.
if c.s. lewis was alive and giving lectures...i think he would make me swoon like no rock star ever has.
is that weird to say?
A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, 'darkness' on the walls of his cell.
Can a mortal ask questions which God finds unanswerable? Quite easily, I should think. All nonsense questions are unanswerable.
Education without values, as useful as it is, seems rather to make man a more clever devil.
Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.
Literature adds to reality, it does not simply describe it. It enriches the necessary competencies that daily life requires and provides; and in this respect, it irrigates the deserts that our lives have already become.
Of all tyrannies a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive.
Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief.
There is, hidden or flaunted, a sword between the sexes till an entire marriage reconciles them.
Thirty was so strange for me. I've really had to come to terms with the fact that I am now a walking and talking adult.
This is one of the miracles of love: It gives a power of seeing through its own enchantments and yet not being disenchanted.
With the possible exception of the equator, everything begins somewhere.
is that weird to say?
A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, 'darkness' on the walls of his cell.
Can a mortal ask questions which God finds unanswerable? Quite easily, I should think. All nonsense questions are unanswerable.
Education without values, as useful as it is, seems rather to make man a more clever devil.
Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.
Literature adds to reality, it does not simply describe it. It enriches the necessary competencies that daily life requires and provides; and in this respect, it irrigates the deserts that our lives have already become.
Of all tyrannies a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive.
Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief.
There is, hidden or flaunted, a sword between the sexes till an entire marriage reconciles them.
Thirty was so strange for me. I've really had to come to terms with the fact that I am now a walking and talking adult.
This is one of the miracles of love: It gives a power of seeing through its own enchantments and yet not being disenchanted.
With the possible exception of the equator, everything begins somewhere.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
you tell those spiders.
i told my boss that i finally read harry potter. and she told me that her favorite character...
is professor snape.
professor snape.
oh. my. gosh.
that should tell you everything you need to know about my boss.
and for those of you who don't know anything about harry potter, that's like saruman being your favorite character in lord of the rings. and for those of you who don't know anything about lord of the rings (who are you and how are we friends?), that's like jaws being your favorite...shark.
loving professor snape is like wanting a pet shark.
oh speaking of pets, i accidentally killed our new pet fish at work. we only had it 4 days. my boss didn't give us any fish food, and i never got around to asking the other teachers for any. i think she was kind of annoyed. i just assumed since the last one lived 2 months without any food, i had some time.
meh.
i've been watching the harry potter movies. and lucius malfoy reminds me of elrond. but with blonde hair.
it's not cool.
"elrond! why are you acting like that? you're supposed to give harry the light of earendil for 'when all other lights go out', not a horcrux! wait..."
and while we're on the subject, when i read the books...i pictured dumbledore as gandalf. so the movie dumbledore seems like an imposter.
i think i just alienated 95% of my blog audience with this post.
is professor snape.
professor snape.
oh. my. gosh.
that should tell you everything you need to know about my boss.
and for those of you who don't know anything about harry potter, that's like saruman being your favorite character in lord of the rings. and for those of you who don't know anything about lord of the rings (who are you and how are we friends?), that's like jaws being your favorite...shark.
loving professor snape is like wanting a pet shark.
oh speaking of pets, i accidentally killed our new pet fish at work. we only had it 4 days. my boss didn't give us any fish food, and i never got around to asking the other teachers for any. i think she was kind of annoyed. i just assumed since the last one lived 2 months without any food, i had some time.
meh.
i've been watching the harry potter movies. and lucius malfoy reminds me of elrond. but with blonde hair.
it's not cool.
"elrond! why are you acting like that? you're supposed to give harry the light of earendil for 'when all other lights go out', not a horcrux! wait..."
and while we're on the subject, when i read the books...i pictured dumbledore as gandalf. so the movie dumbledore seems like an imposter.
i think i just alienated 95% of my blog audience with this post.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
today's recommended picks from youtube.
favorite comment:
"why do you think he is screaming?"
i wondered about that too.
well played, kitty. well played.
i may have listened to "this is why i'm hot" every day for a month, a year or so ago. why youtube remembered this today, i know not.
Friday, October 16, 2009
more conversations with 2 year olds.
today for snack we had chips and ranch dip. weird.
boy: it's hot!
me: no, it's not.
boy: hot.
me: it's quite cool. (internal dialogue: "i sound like gandalf!!")
boy: it's hot!
me: it really isn't.
boy: *leans in to investigate further, almost gets dip on his nose, looks back at me*
me: just eat your chips.
boy: it's hot.
me: ....
i had to wake up one little boy after nap time...
boy: (in a distressed tone) blocks, put blocks on shelf!
me: wow. thats your first thought? right now, you're totally my favorite. i'm not supposed to tell you that, but you are.
girl: whats this?
me: a car!
girl: what's this?
me: still a car.
and my new co-teacher made me laugh for real, for the first time ever. unintentionally. it wasn't polite or forced.
her: so, where do we go for a fire drill?
me: right outside the door, on the playground.
her: ok. and...where do we go if there's actually a fire?
because yeah, they kind of force us into a cage. right next to the burning building. the flames would surely consume us.
boy: it's hot!
me: no, it's not.
boy: hot.
me: it's quite cool. (internal dialogue: "i sound like gandalf!!")
boy: it's hot!
me: it really isn't.
boy: *leans in to investigate further, almost gets dip on his nose, looks back at me*
me: just eat your chips.
boy: it's hot.
me: ....
i had to wake up one little boy after nap time...
boy: (in a distressed tone) blocks, put blocks on shelf!
me: wow. thats your first thought? right now, you're totally my favorite. i'm not supposed to tell you that, but you are.
girl: whats this?
me: a car!
girl: what's this?
me: still a car.
and my new co-teacher made me laugh for real, for the first time ever. unintentionally. it wasn't polite or forced.
her: so, where do we go for a fire drill?
me: right outside the door, on the playground.
her: ok. and...where do we go if there's actually a fire?
because yeah, they kind of force us into a cage. right next to the burning building. the flames would surely consume us.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Saturday, October 10, 2009
i like them lucid.
last night i dreamed that i went to hear the nashville symphony, something i've never done but really want to do, and they played this song:
they were dancing too. it was awesome.
it reminded me of last Christmas.
last year i bought my brother-in-law a CD. a christian rapper named lecrae. i'd never heard him, and didn't listen before i bought it. i don't know anything about the christian music scene anymore. i had just heard from a reliable source that he's one of the few christian hip hop artists that is actually good. (not that i have anything against 45 year old white guys being the face of christian hip hop...no wait, i do have a problem with that.) but my brother-in-law is a youth minister, so i figured...even if he hates it personally, he could probably get some use out of it at church. setting that youthy vibe at youth group, you know.
ANYWAY.
he opened it, and we listened to it later.
i'm not a good judge of that kind of music. i like it, i just can't evaluate it well.
BUT.
i remember thinking that if he'd replace all the synth music with an actual string section...it would be so good. i could hear it in my mind. man. a rapper with a string section! someone needs to do this.
and i feel that my dream only confirms that.
can you hear it?
they were dancing too. it was awesome.
it reminded me of last Christmas.
last year i bought my brother-in-law a CD. a christian rapper named lecrae. i'd never heard him, and didn't listen before i bought it. i don't know anything about the christian music scene anymore. i had just heard from a reliable source that he's one of the few christian hip hop artists that is actually good. (not that i have anything against 45 year old white guys being the face of christian hip hop...no wait, i do have a problem with that.) but my brother-in-law is a youth minister, so i figured...even if he hates it personally, he could probably get some use out of it at church. setting that youthy vibe at youth group, you know.
ANYWAY.
he opened it, and we listened to it later.
i'm not a good judge of that kind of music. i like it, i just can't evaluate it well.
BUT.
i remember thinking that if he'd replace all the synth music with an actual string section...it would be so good. i could hear it in my mind. man. a rapper with a string section! someone needs to do this.
and i feel that my dream only confirms that.
can you hear it?
Friday, October 9, 2009
i feel 11.
i finished the harry potter series.
oh
my
gosh.
that's all i can say.
and i just watched the first movie!
i have the same thought i had about the first book.
it's so cute! seriously. so cute. and harry potter is PERFECT. i just want to pinch his cute little wizard cheeks. he's not a dramatic kid actor. he just kind of saves the world, and looks around like "me? you think i'm awesome? really? aw, shucks."
unrelated:
sometimes, a girl just needs a reminder.
oh
my
gosh.
that's all i can say.
and i just watched the first movie!
i have the same thought i had about the first book.
it's so cute! seriously. so cute. and harry potter is PERFECT. i just want to pinch his cute little wizard cheeks. he's not a dramatic kid actor. he just kind of saves the world, and looks around like "me? you think i'm awesome? really? aw, shucks."
unrelated:
sometimes, a girl just needs a reminder.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
this isn't even the worst of me.
there are certain situations when i am just not good at faking.
when people tell jokes that aren't funny, it is so hard for me to laugh. so hard. i do it, to be polite. but it's hard. i hate polite laughter. ugh. (like when i worked in retail, and a purchase would total at $19.96, and a customer would say "well that was a good year!!" and i'd have to laugh at that...OH MY GOSH. that's not even a little bit funny.)
after two and a half months of working with substitutes and floaters, i finally have a new co-teacher.
i am having a hard time interacting with her. it is hard to laugh politely 40 hours a week. but i did a little calculating and realized that since our shifts are different and we take breaks at different times...it's really only 30 hours!
the main problem is that she also enjoys getting people in trouble. she told me some stories from her last job (and i tried to smile and nod) about how she got people in trouble, and just yesterday she basically accused another teacher at my school of abusing a child. she looks for ways to tell on people. it gives her pleasure. she actually wanted that teacher to be fired. someone she has known for less than a week.
i do not respect that.
she is hard to be around.
i feel like i have to be perfect, so she doesn't complain about me.
it's hard. it's exhausting. today i didn't really talk to her. i'd just kind of grunt in her general direction to acknowledge i heard her.
which is so rude.
how lame am i being right now?? i'm so gross. this is the real me.
when i realized my own sin in this today, i had to ask myself, again...
do i believe what i say i believe?
do i believe that i am a sinner? someone who is not perfect either, and surely annoys other people. (i can't imagine how, i just know from a purely rational standpoint that it must be true.)
do i believe that Christ calls me to love people who are not lovable? not just to nod politely or avoid offending, but to love them.
that is hard.
it is HARD.
but my whole life, that's what i've been saying i believe. i've just never been around someone like this for 30 hours a week. so now i get a chance to actually do it.
yay?
yes. yay. being like Christ is a yay. because i feel gross right now, and His way is better. far better.
when people tell jokes that aren't funny, it is so hard for me to laugh. so hard. i do it, to be polite. but it's hard. i hate polite laughter. ugh. (like when i worked in retail, and a purchase would total at $19.96, and a customer would say "well that was a good year!!" and i'd have to laugh at that...OH MY GOSH. that's not even a little bit funny.)
after two and a half months of working with substitutes and floaters, i finally have a new co-teacher.
i am having a hard time interacting with her. it is hard to laugh politely 40 hours a week. but i did a little calculating and realized that since our shifts are different and we take breaks at different times...it's really only 30 hours!
the main problem is that she also enjoys getting people in trouble. she told me some stories from her last job (and i tried to smile and nod) about how she got people in trouble, and just yesterday she basically accused another teacher at my school of abusing a child. she looks for ways to tell on people. it gives her pleasure. she actually wanted that teacher to be fired. someone she has known for less than a week.
i do not respect that.
she is hard to be around.
i feel like i have to be perfect, so she doesn't complain about me.
it's hard. it's exhausting. today i didn't really talk to her. i'd just kind of grunt in her general direction to acknowledge i heard her.
which is so rude.
how lame am i being right now?? i'm so gross. this is the real me.
when i realized my own sin in this today, i had to ask myself, again...
do i believe what i say i believe?
do i believe that i am a sinner? someone who is not perfect either, and surely annoys other people. (i can't imagine how, i just know from a purely rational standpoint that it must be true.)
do i believe that Christ calls me to love people who are not lovable? not just to nod politely or avoid offending, but to love them.
that is hard.
it is HARD.
but my whole life, that's what i've been saying i believe. i've just never been around someone like this for 30 hours a week. so now i get a chance to actually do it.
yay?
yes. yay. being like Christ is a yay. because i feel gross right now, and His way is better. far better.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
conversations with two year olds.
me: what is that a picture of?
girl: balloon! triangle!
me: i'm fairly certain it can't be both.
girl: *playing with toy people*
me: who is this person?
girl: mommy.
me: what about this one?
girl: daddy.
me: of course. but who is this?
girl: neighbor.
me: *playing with some toy food*
boy: i need that.
me: you...need this? what do you mean you need this? what urgent situation can only be remedied with this fake asparagus?
boy: i...need that.
me: you've convinced me. take it.
me: what color is your shirt?
girl: WHITE!!!
me: pink, actually. but i'm glad you're excited about it.
me: what are you playing with?
boy: drum!
me: oh, that's great! make some music!
boy: bang! bang! bang!
me: if you're using an actual drum, you don't really need to say..
boy: BANG! BANG! BANG!
me: ok.
girl: balloon! triangle!
me: i'm fairly certain it can't be both.
girl: *playing with toy people*
me: who is this person?
girl: mommy.
me: what about this one?
girl: daddy.
me: of course. but who is this?
girl: neighbor.
me: *playing with some toy food*
boy: i need that.
me: you...need this? what do you mean you need this? what urgent situation can only be remedied with this fake asparagus?
boy: i...need that.
me: you've convinced me. take it.
me: what color is your shirt?
girl: WHITE!!!
me: pink, actually. but i'm glad you're excited about it.
me: what are you playing with?
boy: drum!
me: oh, that's great! make some music!
boy: bang! bang! bang!
me: if you're using an actual drum, you don't really need to say..
boy: BANG! BANG! BANG!
me: ok.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
the good parts
i just got back from oklahoma, where my grandparents live. it was party time. my grandpa turns 90 this month.
i was pleased to discover that i am allergic to oklahoma. i was blowing my nose the whole time i was there, until the minute i stepped on the plane to come back.
my grandma lavished us with gifts. she got my dad a bottle of honey, and gave me a pair of booties.
my uncle died unexpectedly in december, but i learned two new things about him. he met my aunt in a mcdonald's. and since he was the epitome of a used car salesman, and an actual used car salesman, i was not at all surprised to learn he hit on someone at a mcdonald's. and for their first anniversary, he bought his bride a duck gun.
i took a picture of one of my dad's childhood creations. it has been sitting on a shelf since he made it around the age of 11. he made a house of toothpicks. if you're picturing something lame, you shouldn't be.
the "party" was just dinner at a restaurant, but it was still fun. my aunt got him a certificate for a free massage. his response: "so that's...really going to happen?" and my dad got him a book about the air and space smithsonian, and a dvd that gives a tour of it. my grandpa was in the air force. but i love that the exact same present could be given to an 8 year old boy, and he'd be just as thrilled.
as soon as we got back to their house, my grandpa disappeared to his work room and watched a dvd of his birthday party. my grandpa looooves making dvds. i'm hoping he does the same thing he did for my grandma's 90th party. he sent me a dvd of the party... and then a few months later, sent it to me again.
do you love my family yet? do you wish they were your family?
some distant cousin i don't know gave my grandma a box of pictures of the family. old pictures. faded pictures. yellow, black, and white pictures. they're amazing. taken by what i assume was the first kind of camera that people ever owned personally. my grandma actually said she has one of the original cameras in her attic. it's a box camera. anyway, i was mesmerized by these pictures. when i imagine people living early in the 20th century, i imagine them being bored or something. with nothing to do. which is ridiculous, i know. but i have no real concept of that part of history. but these pictures captured beautiful moments in time. people building houses. people having fun. girls climbing in trees in their dresses. (because they couldn't wear pants!) siblings having fights. children learning how to walk. grandmothers smiling about...who knows what. people living.
i like learning about my own history.
i stole two pictures. they had duplicates in the box! and my grandma gave me one wallet-sized picture of my dad in elementary school.
of course i tried to take pictures of some of the best pictures, and of course the quality is poor. very poor.
my dad said a few words at the party. he quoted some verse in philippians about considering other people better than yourself, and said he put a picture of his parents in his Bible next to that verse. because they have always lived life that way. they are really cool people. i didn't appreciate them when i was younger. and because of how they've spent their life caring for others, they now have people caring for them. they've gotten kind of feeble lately. they're 91 and 90, you know. but i've found out in the past couple of years that they have amazing neighbors. their neighbors mow their lawn for them, and buy groceries for them. this is kind of morbid to say, but i hope they cling to life until august 21st. that's their 70th wedding anniversary. and i really want to celebrate that.
and, in closing:
i slept in the living room on their sofa bed. i am fairly certain i woke up in the middle of the night and saw my grandma sitting in the chair next to the couch, watching me and my sister sleep. i got up at 4am, so it was before then. the middle of the night. i don't think i was sufficiently disturbed by this at the time. but i think it really happened, because not long after i heard her frying bacon in the kitchen. before 4am! and when i did finally wake up for good, it was gone.
who knows what else would happened if i had been there longer than a day.
i was pleased to discover that i am allergic to oklahoma. i was blowing my nose the whole time i was there, until the minute i stepped on the plane to come back.
my grandma lavished us with gifts. she got my dad a bottle of honey, and gave me a pair of booties.
my uncle died unexpectedly in december, but i learned two new things about him. he met my aunt in a mcdonald's. and since he was the epitome of a used car salesman, and an actual used car salesman, i was not at all surprised to learn he hit on someone at a mcdonald's. and for their first anniversary, he bought his bride a duck gun.
i took a picture of one of my dad's childhood creations. it has been sitting on a shelf since he made it around the age of 11. he made a house of toothpicks. if you're picturing something lame, you shouldn't be.
the "party" was just dinner at a restaurant, but it was still fun. my aunt got him a certificate for a free massage. his response: "so that's...really going to happen?" and my dad got him a book about the air and space smithsonian, and a dvd that gives a tour of it. my grandpa was in the air force. but i love that the exact same present could be given to an 8 year old boy, and he'd be just as thrilled.
as soon as we got back to their house, my grandpa disappeared to his work room and watched a dvd of his birthday party. my grandpa looooves making dvds. i'm hoping he does the same thing he did for my grandma's 90th party. he sent me a dvd of the party... and then a few months later, sent it to me again.
do you love my family yet? do you wish they were your family?
some distant cousin i don't know gave my grandma a box of pictures of the family. old pictures. faded pictures. yellow, black, and white pictures. they're amazing. taken by what i assume was the first kind of camera that people ever owned personally. my grandma actually said she has one of the original cameras in her attic. it's a box camera. anyway, i was mesmerized by these pictures. when i imagine people living early in the 20th century, i imagine them being bored or something. with nothing to do. which is ridiculous, i know. but i have no real concept of that part of history. but these pictures captured beautiful moments in time. people building houses. people having fun. girls climbing in trees in their dresses. (because they couldn't wear pants!) siblings having fights. children learning how to walk. grandmothers smiling about...who knows what. people living.
i like learning about my own history.
i stole two pictures. they had duplicates in the box! and my grandma gave me one wallet-sized picture of my dad in elementary school.
of course i tried to take pictures of some of the best pictures, and of course the quality is poor. very poor.
my dad said a few words at the party. he quoted some verse in philippians about considering other people better than yourself, and said he put a picture of his parents in his Bible next to that verse. because they have always lived life that way. they are really cool people. i didn't appreciate them when i was younger. and because of how they've spent their life caring for others, they now have people caring for them. they've gotten kind of feeble lately. they're 91 and 90, you know. but i've found out in the past couple of years that they have amazing neighbors. their neighbors mow their lawn for them, and buy groceries for them. this is kind of morbid to say, but i hope they cling to life until august 21st. that's their 70th wedding anniversary. and i really want to celebrate that.
and, in closing:
i slept in the living room on their sofa bed. i am fairly certain i woke up in the middle of the night and saw my grandma sitting in the chair next to the couch, watching me and my sister sleep. i got up at 4am, so it was before then. the middle of the night. i don't think i was sufficiently disturbed by this at the time. but i think it really happened, because not long after i heard her frying bacon in the kitchen. before 4am! and when i did finally wake up for good, it was gone.
who knows what else would happened if i had been there longer than a day.
Friday, October 2, 2009
i'm doing just fine, thanks.
when i was in the "break room" (corner of the hallway with a microwave) today, another girl was in there on her phone.
the following conversation took place.
her: no, i haven't. NO. i haven't. hey allison!
me: yes?
her: have you ever heard of the ham festival?
me:...no.
her: the country ham festival
me: no.
her: she hasn't heard of it either
a few minutes later...
her: allison!
me: yes.
her: have you ever heard of "mule day"?
me: no.
her: poor thing. she's never even heard of mule day.
where am i?
the following conversation took place.
her: no, i haven't. NO. i haven't. hey allison!
me: yes?
her: have you ever heard of the ham festival?
me:...no.
her: the country ham festival
me: no.
her: she hasn't heard of it either
a few minutes later...
her: allison!
me: yes.
her: have you ever heard of "mule day"?
me: no.
her: poor thing. she's never even heard of mule day.
where am i?
Monday, September 28, 2009
hey, look at that...rain.
it's not that i don't like women.
but i don't usually hang out in large groups of them, because i will inevitably learn things about the birthing process that i don't want to know. if there are men around, they don't tell certain parts of the stories.
i went on a women's retreat this past weekend and learned some things i just...don't want to know. i want to give that knowledge back.
and i think that even if i do have a child one day, i'm just going to have to tell the doctor to keep those things to himself too. i don't need a play by play of what's going on. just do what you have to do, give me the baby, and let's leave it at that.
and you're welcome. for what, you ask? for not sharing that information here.
on a completely unrelated note:
i had the strangest flashback. one time we visited my grandparents in oklahoma, and took my grandmother's advice on the latest shampoo trend. apparently, someone told her that the best thing you could do for your hair was to wash it with...
horse shampoo.
y'all.
horse shampoo.
it was called "mane and tail." mane and tail! WHAT?
we did that. it happened.
but i don't usually hang out in large groups of them, because i will inevitably learn things about the birthing process that i don't want to know. if there are men around, they don't tell certain parts of the stories.
i went on a women's retreat this past weekend and learned some things i just...don't want to know. i want to give that knowledge back.
and i think that even if i do have a child one day, i'm just going to have to tell the doctor to keep those things to himself too. i don't need a play by play of what's going on. just do what you have to do, give me the baby, and let's leave it at that.
and you're welcome. for what, you ask? for not sharing that information here.
on a completely unrelated note:
i had the strangest flashback. one time we visited my grandparents in oklahoma, and took my grandmother's advice on the latest shampoo trend. apparently, someone told her that the best thing you could do for your hair was to wash it with...
horse shampoo.
y'all.
horse shampoo.
it was called "mane and tail." mane and tail! WHAT?
we did that. it happened.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
dunder-mifflin.
so...
this is what i see when i go to work.
the weather panda with crazy eyes:
i don't actually know what this is.
but this is what it does:
can you tell what this is?
it's as weird as i say it is.
this is what i see when i go to work.
the weather panda with crazy eyes:
i don't actually know what this is.
but this is what it does:
can you tell what this is?
it's as weird as i say it is.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
i also like corn.
reasons this day was a success:
1) i ate a mango. i don't do that very often because they are expensive. i like a good mango. i had my first one in hawaii, fresh off a mango tree. it changed the way i feel about all fruit. like a drug addict, i continue to return to mangos hoping they will be as good as the first. they never are, but they still leave me satisfied and wanting more. such is the nature of addiction.
2) i found a pad of post-its i thought i had lost forever. score.
3) i read around 100 pages of harry potter. which means i had a lot of spare time. that should be two separate points. shrug.
4) i realized i never got my electric bill, gasp, so i paid it. i just hope it credits to my account by thursday. thanks for the massive fail, NES. or USPS. thanks God, for the nudge.
1) i ate a mango. i don't do that very often because they are expensive. i like a good mango. i had my first one in hawaii, fresh off a mango tree. it changed the way i feel about all fruit. like a drug addict, i continue to return to mangos hoping they will be as good as the first. they never are, but they still leave me satisfied and wanting more. such is the nature of addiction.
2) i found a pad of post-its i thought i had lost forever. score.
3) i read around 100 pages of harry potter. which means i had a lot of spare time. that should be two separate points. shrug.
4) i realized i never got my electric bill, gasp, so i paid it. i just hope it credits to my account by thursday. thanks for the massive fail, NES. or USPS. thanks God, for the nudge.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
weird, annoying, and true.
i have the strangest problem.
almost every week at church i have to bow out of singing at some point because i start coughing uncontrollably.
i get a tickle in my throat, and even breathing too fast makes me start coughing.
it's weird.
i sing, like, every day of my life* and have no problems. but i get to church, and all of a sudden in the middle of a song...coughing fit.
it's weird. i don't understand why.
i would like it to stop now.
*my sisters have never found this as charming as they should. mostly, they tell me to be quiet. they'd probably prefer the coughing. my roommates never complained. they were grateful. but, you know, it was belmont. most people had some form of musical turrets. sometimes at night, i can still hear the incessant drumming.
almost every week at church i have to bow out of singing at some point because i start coughing uncontrollably.
i get a tickle in my throat, and even breathing too fast makes me start coughing.
it's weird.
i sing, like, every day of my life* and have no problems. but i get to church, and all of a sudden in the middle of a song...coughing fit.
it's weird. i don't understand why.
i would like it to stop now.
*my sisters have never found this as charming as they should. mostly, they tell me to be quiet. they'd probably prefer the coughing. my roommates never complained. they were grateful. but, you know, it was belmont. most people had some form of musical turrets. sometimes at night, i can still hear the incessant drumming.
Friday, September 18, 2009
the stars at night
the key to successful indoctrination is to start young.
the last 3 days at work have been tiring because of the rain. no sun = no playground. they have literally been pulling each other's hair out.
today's lesson plan was to have a nature walk, and collect leaves and sticks and things for a collage. we couldn't do that because of the rain.
plan B?
i chose to teach them about texas instead.
i have a coffee table book with pictures of texas. it is filled with beautiful images of the great state. i marked several pages with pictures of flowers and trees, so we could still learn about nature.
it went a little something like this:
"what do you see in this picture?...that's right, flowers. a very special kind of flower. it's called a bluebonnet. everyone say 'bluebonnet.' this is the most beautiful kind of flower you will ever see. it's really quite breathtaking. this kind of flower grows in texas. everyone say 'texas.'"
"...that was a really tall tree! oh, what's this? silly me, why did i mark this page? well, while we're here, you should know that this is the capitol building of texas. it's actually taller than the nation's capitol building."
i'd like to pretend that this is the first time i've done that.
when i was a summer missionary in hawaii (yes, hawaii, i was originally assigned to guam...God works, things change...), i spent one week leading vacation bible school. it was my favorite week that summer. the kids in my class were so sweet. they'd ask me amazing questions like "where is Heaven?" and i'd remember how big and awesome God is.
i don't remember how, i just remember one day we veered off topic. they must have asked me where i am from. i remember talking about mexican food, and impressing upon them the importance of visiting texas when they get older.
and hey, while you're reading my blog:
Texas, Our Texas! all hail the mighty State!
Texas, Our Texas! so wonderful so great!
Boldest and grandest, withstanding ev'ry test
O Empire wide and glorious, you stand supremely blest.
(chorus)
Texas, O Texas! your freeborn single star,
Sends out its radiance to nations near and far,
Emblem of Freedom! it set our hearts aglow,
With thoughts of San Jacinto and glorious Alamo.
(chorus)
Texas, dear Texas! from tyrant grip now free,
Shines forth in splendor, your star of destiny!
Mother of heroes, we come your children true,
Proclaiming our allegiance, our faith, our love for you.
Chorus
God bless you Texas! And keep you brave and strong,
That you may grow in power and worth, throughout the ages long.
God bless you Texas! And keep you brave and strong,
That you may grow in power and worth, throughout the ages long.
the last 3 days at work have been tiring because of the rain. no sun = no playground. they have literally been pulling each other's hair out.
today's lesson plan was to have a nature walk, and collect leaves and sticks and things for a collage. we couldn't do that because of the rain.
plan B?
i chose to teach them about texas instead.
i have a coffee table book with pictures of texas. it is filled with beautiful images of the great state. i marked several pages with pictures of flowers and trees, so we could still learn about nature.
it went a little something like this:
"what do you see in this picture?...that's right, flowers. a very special kind of flower. it's called a bluebonnet. everyone say 'bluebonnet.' this is the most beautiful kind of flower you will ever see. it's really quite breathtaking. this kind of flower grows in texas. everyone say 'texas.'"
"...that was a really tall tree! oh, what's this? silly me, why did i mark this page? well, while we're here, you should know that this is the capitol building of texas. it's actually taller than the nation's capitol building."
i'd like to pretend that this is the first time i've done that.
when i was a summer missionary in hawaii (yes, hawaii, i was originally assigned to guam...God works, things change...), i spent one week leading vacation bible school. it was my favorite week that summer. the kids in my class were so sweet. they'd ask me amazing questions like "where is Heaven?" and i'd remember how big and awesome God is.
i don't remember how, i just remember one day we veered off topic. they must have asked me where i am from. i remember talking about mexican food, and impressing upon them the importance of visiting texas when they get older.
and hey, while you're reading my blog:
Texas, Our Texas! all hail the mighty State!
Texas, Our Texas! so wonderful so great!
Boldest and grandest, withstanding ev'ry test
O Empire wide and glorious, you stand supremely blest.
(chorus)
Texas, O Texas! your freeborn single star,
Sends out its radiance to nations near and far,
Emblem of Freedom! it set our hearts aglow,
With thoughts of San Jacinto and glorious Alamo.
(chorus)
Texas, dear Texas! from tyrant grip now free,
Shines forth in splendor, your star of destiny!
Mother of heroes, we come your children true,
Proclaiming our allegiance, our faith, our love for you.
Chorus
God bless you Texas! And keep you brave and strong,
That you may grow in power and worth, throughout the ages long.
God bless you Texas! And keep you brave and strong,
That you may grow in power and worth, throughout the ages long.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
do the twist
i had my itunes playlist shuffle on while i cleaned tonight. some "old" songs came on. it's always interesting to hear music that i used to listen to. to realize how my tastes have changed, but also remember exactly why i liked the music i liked before. it's a weird feeling. but a good one.
i vividly remember how this city was - slightly - obsessed with dave barnes when i was in college. and more specifically, with this song.
i'm going to have to listen to more of his music later. so many memories are wrapped up in it, for me. music is like that for me. i connect it to certain times of my life, and just a few notes of a familiar song can sweep me away.
Grace's amazing hands, they hold me
They're as soft as a feather bed
She would never try to scold me
She knows the words that work instead
I always thought that love was frightening
I always thought it'd be so rough
Love has sent me down an angel baby
I knew it was grace, just by her touch
Grace's amazing hands, they're ugly
They're bruised by the blows that I've blown
She knows well I don't deserve her
She laughs and says
"Thats the way love goes"
I always thought that love was frightening
I always thought it'd be so rough
Love has sent me down an angel baby
I knew it was grace, just by her touch
What did I do, hey yeah baby
What did I say
For love to smile down on me
And show me amazing grace
Show me amazing grace
Grace's amazing hands, they hold me
They're as soft as a feather bed
i vividly remember how this city was - slightly - obsessed with dave barnes when i was in college. and more specifically, with this song.
i'm going to have to listen to more of his music later. so many memories are wrapped up in it, for me. music is like that for me. i connect it to certain times of my life, and just a few notes of a familiar song can sweep me away.
Grace's amazing hands, they hold me
They're as soft as a feather bed
She would never try to scold me
She knows the words that work instead
I always thought that love was frightening
I always thought it'd be so rough
Love has sent me down an angel baby
I knew it was grace, just by her touch
Grace's amazing hands, they're ugly
They're bruised by the blows that I've blown
She knows well I don't deserve her
She laughs and says
"Thats the way love goes"
I always thought that love was frightening
I always thought it'd be so rough
Love has sent me down an angel baby
I knew it was grace, just by her touch
What did I do, hey yeah baby
What did I say
For love to smile down on me
And show me amazing grace
Show me amazing grace
Grace's amazing hands, they hold me
They're as soft as a feather bed
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
the little things.
this was not my favorite day of life.
it was long. it was discouraging.
i got back, and was cheered up when i remembered that...
neighborhood group started up again, and this semester we have been given weekly reading assignments.
yes. that is what cheered me up. truly. it made me smile.
and we were given a sheet of paper with the weekly schedule, so now i get to write it all down in my planner...just like syllabus day in college!
now i just have to decide what color highlighter to use when i read it.
totally unrelated, but now it's in my head:
it was long. it was discouraging.
i got back, and was cheered up when i remembered that...
neighborhood group started up again, and this semester we have been given weekly reading assignments.
yes. that is what cheered me up. truly. it made me smile.
and we were given a sheet of paper with the weekly schedule, so now i get to write it all down in my planner...just like syllabus day in college!
now i just have to decide what color highlighter to use when i read it.
totally unrelated, but now it's in my head:
Monday, September 14, 2009
i have curly hair.
i just gave myself a haircut.
with an ordinary pair of scissors.
it's my way.
i needed a change. little changes like this are just nice sometimes.
it'll probably be a week or so until it's totally even. feel free to take a pair of scissors to my locks if you see a few hairs too long. just give me some warning so i don't get myself stabbed in the neck.
it feels so much lighter! i keep shaking my head around.
happy monday.
with an ordinary pair of scissors.
it's my way.
i needed a change. little changes like this are just nice sometimes.
it'll probably be a week or so until it's totally even. feel free to take a pair of scissors to my locks if you see a few hairs too long. just give me some warning so i don't get myself stabbed in the neck.
it feels so much lighter! i keep shaking my head around.
happy monday.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
keeping the sabbath wholly
i just finished reading a book that someone at church lent me. she gave it to me because i hate sundays.
hate sundays.
hate them. hate them. hate them.
because it's the day before monday. all day on sunday, and especially toward the end of the day, i have a feeling of dread. i don't want to go to work tomorrow. i know what i have to deal with for the next 5 days, and it's not good. it's stressful. it's overwhelming. it's hostile. it's chaotic. and i'm not talking about the kids. i can handle that kind of chaos.
so she lent me this book about keeping the Sabbath, because she thinks it will help me not hate sunday. it is really sad that the day i go to church, the only 2 hours i'm free from the tension...are the hours i'm at church. i should be looking forward to that time. i should be enjoying other people. and when it's over, i shouldn't immediately be tense again.
but i am.
but the book was really good, and i'm going to give it a try.
it has helped me to see at least one problem in my mind.
i think about Jesus every day. i wouldn't make it through each day if i didn't. i have to constantly remind myself that He is bigger than anything i face at work. He is beautiful, and powerful, kind, gracious, loving...He is a resting place. He is joy. He is shelter. He is a friend. He contends for me, fights for me, and rescues me from those too strong for me.
but those are all glances at Christ in my temporary, current situation. that is what i see when i only look at this moment.
i forget to have hope for the future. not because i think there is no hope, i just...forget. i forget that Heaven really exists. when something ridiculous happens*, i forget that one day it just won't matter. because all i see is that one moment. i think "Jesus loves you. Jesus will fight for you in this situation."
but i forget that all this will go away one day. it feels like this is all there is, because this is my life right now. but one day it will be made right.
so maybe if i focus on that on sundays...i'll be in better shape.
maybe i can replace the feeling of dread with a feeling of expectation for all the good things to come. that dread is really just a longing for no more brokenness.
and there will actually be a day when everything broken will be gone. forever.
so hard to remember sometimes.
*i'm not the only one who has footnotes on a blog, right? anyway...this is not my first job, so my expectations are not unrealistic. i can't remember ever loving any of my previous jobs. they all had their sources of frustration and stress. but there are certain things that happen at my job now that go above and beyond normal job problems. just felt like clarifying that.
hate sundays.
hate them. hate them. hate them.
because it's the day before monday. all day on sunday, and especially toward the end of the day, i have a feeling of dread. i don't want to go to work tomorrow. i know what i have to deal with for the next 5 days, and it's not good. it's stressful. it's overwhelming. it's hostile. it's chaotic. and i'm not talking about the kids. i can handle that kind of chaos.
so she lent me this book about keeping the Sabbath, because she thinks it will help me not hate sunday. it is really sad that the day i go to church, the only 2 hours i'm free from the tension...are the hours i'm at church. i should be looking forward to that time. i should be enjoying other people. and when it's over, i shouldn't immediately be tense again.
but i am.
but the book was really good, and i'm going to give it a try.
it has helped me to see at least one problem in my mind.
i think about Jesus every day. i wouldn't make it through each day if i didn't. i have to constantly remind myself that He is bigger than anything i face at work. He is beautiful, and powerful, kind, gracious, loving...He is a resting place. He is joy. He is shelter. He is a friend. He contends for me, fights for me, and rescues me from those too strong for me.
but those are all glances at Christ in my temporary, current situation. that is what i see when i only look at this moment.
i forget to have hope for the future. not because i think there is no hope, i just...forget. i forget that Heaven really exists. when something ridiculous happens*, i forget that one day it just won't matter. because all i see is that one moment. i think "Jesus loves you. Jesus will fight for you in this situation."
but i forget that all this will go away one day. it feels like this is all there is, because this is my life right now. but one day it will be made right.
so maybe if i focus on that on sundays...i'll be in better shape.
maybe i can replace the feeling of dread with a feeling of expectation for all the good things to come. that dread is really just a longing for no more brokenness.
and there will actually be a day when everything broken will be gone. forever.
so hard to remember sometimes.
*i'm not the only one who has footnotes on a blog, right? anyway...this is not my first job, so my expectations are not unrealistic. i can't remember ever loving any of my previous jobs. they all had their sources of frustration and stress. but there are certain things that happen at my job now that go above and beyond normal job problems. just felt like clarifying that.
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