keeping the sabbath wholly

i just finished reading a book that someone at church lent me. she gave it to me because i hate sundays.

hate sundays.

hate them. hate them. hate them.

because it's the day before monday. all day on sunday, and especially toward the end of the day, i have a feeling of dread. i don't want to go to work tomorrow. i know what i have to deal with for the next 5 days, and it's not good. it's stressful. it's overwhelming. it's hostile. it's chaotic. and i'm not talking about the kids. i can handle that kind of chaos.

so she lent me this book about keeping the Sabbath, because she thinks it will help me not hate sunday. it is really sad that the day i go to church, the only 2 hours i'm free from the tension...are the hours i'm at church. i should be looking forward to that time. i should be enjoying other people. and when it's over, i shouldn't immediately be tense again.

but i am.

but the book was really good, and i'm going to give it a try.

it has helped me to see at least one problem in my mind.

i think about Jesus every day. i wouldn't make it through each day if i didn't. i have to constantly remind myself that He is bigger than anything i face at work. He is beautiful, and powerful, kind, gracious, loving...He is a resting place. He is joy. He is shelter. He is a friend. He contends for me, fights for me, and rescues me from those too strong for me.

but those are all glances at Christ in my temporary, current situation. that is what i see when i only look at this moment.

i forget to have hope for the future. not because i think there is no hope, i just...forget. i forget that Heaven really exists. when something ridiculous happens*, i forget that one day it just won't matter. because all i see is that one moment. i think "Jesus loves you. Jesus will fight for you in this situation."

but i forget that all this will go away one day. it feels like this is all there is, because this is my life right now. but one day it will be made right.

so maybe if i focus on that on sundays...i'll be in better shape.

maybe i can replace the feeling of dread with a feeling of expectation for all the good things to come. that dread is really just a longing for no more brokenness.

and there will actually be a day when everything broken will be gone. forever.

so hard to remember sometimes.

*i'm not the only one who has footnotes on a blog, right? anyway...this is not my first job, so my expectations are not unrealistic. i can't remember ever loving any of my previous jobs. they all had their sources of frustration and stress. but there are certain things that happen at my job now that go above and beyond normal job problems. just felt like clarifying that.