the unspoken hierarchy.

a cheer i remember from middle school:

regurgitate, regurgitate
throw up all the food you ate
puke, puke, puke, puke
BLLLLLUUUUUUUUUUGGGGHHHH

good times.

that's actually how i feel whenever i'm forced to mingle.

i feel that mingling never leads to genuine friendship. i don't understand it's function in society. i'd much rather hang out and talk for real, than talk about nothing for no reason with people i don't know.

but that's just me.

however. i don't know a million people like i used to, so it seems like mingling is what i'm left with. in order to get to the "hanging out" part, i have to do the mingling part.

the problem is that i'm such a terrible mingler that it ruins my chances of being friends with anyone. there's a reason i'm bad at it, but that's a secret i'm keeping off a blog. it's not insecurity. i have some great friends, and i know why they like me. because i'm awesome. but as long as i keep having to walk up to people saying boring stuff like "so. uh. i like your shoes." then i'm not going to make new friends. nobody wants to get to know that.

it makes me frustrated.

but not so frustrated that i can't make fun of myself or the entire process.

i feel there are rungs, if you will, to mingling. you work your way up.

1. School Dance

this is where most people learn to mingle. i'd elaborate, but i think the movie "napoleon dynamite" does a good enough job*.

topics to discuss: algebra. the football game. how puffy your sleeves are.

2. Church

this is where i'm at. it's a safe environment to test the mingling waters. Christians have to be nice to you. they can't just walk away. you run the risk of being "that awkward person", but in a safe place. you can't get shunned at Bible study. unless you're amish.

topics to discuss: the sermon. the music. tim keller. bono. africa.

3. Work

if you're lucky, you work for michael scott and have plenty of opportunities to mingle at work. maybe at a party. or a meeting. the water cooler is a good place to start. i hope it goes well, or you'll never be able to hydrate at work again.

topics to discuss: the weather. the commute. labor day plans. the pros and cons of monster.com.

4. Party

this is your first chance to really test your mingling skills. can you hold someone's attention while music is playing, and guys are trying to burn things, and people keep bumping into you? hand gestures usually help.

topics to discuss: how awesome the dip is. how you'd like to get some more. how you wish you knew the recipe.

5. Bar

this should really be left to the professionals. and by that, i mean the actual bartenders. they are professional minglers. just don't even go.

*i own it. we can watch it. when you're done mingling.

i know what you're thinking. maybe. "you had to have mingled successfully at some point, because you do have friends."

WRONG.

i have never once made a friend by mingling. not once. i made friends in high school by going on church trips, or to Bible study. or by doing trust falls. i made friends in college through my roommates. one of them i met at Bible study, no mingling required. and one of them was mostly random and turned out to be my BEST FRIEND. they got to know me because they lived with me. and i used to rap for them. in my pajamas. probably on top of a chair. and when they were with their friends, i was more relaxed because they knew me, so i got to know more people.

but those friends are gone.

and i'm doing this by myself.

and i hate mingling.