seniority rules.

if there were such a thing as a moral scale, my behavior during the past couple of weeks would register slightly below "questionable."

i visit the library regularly to check out books for work. all the books we have in my classroom have been shredded to pieces and gnawed to death. kids these days have no respect for the written word.

i tell you this so you know i have not been making special trips to the library to find harry potter.

but while i'm there, i look.

a week or so ago i checked, and numbers 3 and 5 in the series were there. not 4.

so i checked them both out.

i read 3, and finished it.

i returned it.

i checked for 4.

still not there.

so...

i did not return number 5. even though i can't read it yet.

because i just knew that as soon as i did, number 4 would be returned, and then whatever snotty kid had it would check out number 5. then i'd have to wait on it too.

so i held onto it. strategically.

i used my superior mental capabilities to cheat some 7 year old out of reading a book for fun.

i also got online and requested the book be held for me. which is a perfectly acceptable thing to do. waiting lists are used in every library in the world. probably.

and today, i got to check it out.

but don't worry, 7 year olds. i also read really fast. i'll be done before your attention span has moved on to hannah montana, or whatever.

heeelllloooooo.

tonight i found out that my best friend:



and her husband:



are coming to visit me:



for labor day weekend!!

this is good news.

it will help me through the week. my weeks are not pleasant.

side note:

i brought a book with me to church tonight, to give to someone who wants to borrow it.

so i had this face staring at me the whole service:



it was a bit unnerving.

something for everyone.

i was thinking about my favorite poem today.

by yeats:

HAD I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

sigh. that's so lovely.

and on the, uhm, other end of the literature spectrum, there is this:

"What's a cuter image than three little kittens that have lost their mittens? Well, brace yourself: Kittens don't wear mittens. I'm going to let that sink in. And why don't they wear mittens? Because they'd just get caught on their razor-sharp claws. Personally I prefer the Three Blind Mice, because 1) they're already handicapped when the song starts - as a result, no doubt, of some anti-human scheme that blew up in their faces, and 2) they're further maimed in the course of the rhyme."

"Buddhism: 'Hey, why don't we all put on robes and sit in a rock garden and just, like, be aware?'"

"The concentrated Old Testament:

Adam and Eve/The Fall of Man: Mankind is inherently sinful. Also inherently trusting of women and snakes. Fight these instincts!

Sodom and Gomorrah: If you wonder what God thinks about sodomy, just ask a Sodomite. Oh, that's right - you can't, because God destroyed them all with fire and brimstone.

Jonah swallowed by a whale: If you don't run away from your responsibilities and never tell a lie, one day you'll become a real boy.

The New Testament:

Spoiler alert! Jesus is the salvation of all mankind."

- stephen colbert

stretching is weird.

the similarities between small children and animals have always disturbed me.

today i had reason to say "don't drink that! you only drink from a cup."

was it because someone was trying to...

A. drink from the toilet like a dog
B. inhale water in the swimming pool like a gross person
C. lap milk off the floor like a cat

blech.

in other news,

i got my new sponsored child in the mail! you know what i mean.

his name is matheus. he is 12. he lives in brazil. he's got a sweet smile, and he likes to sing. like me! the liking to sing part. but hopefully for him, he sounds less like a drowning rat and more like an angel. i'm so sure he does! you should see that smile. he is oozing "angel."

sponsoring a child is good. i love it a lot. it's good to just feel pure joy about something. no complications.

remember: if you ever have any questions about how it works, just ask!

i am that girl.

we got our new curriculum. and with it came a massive binder full of training information for how to use it. it wasn't THAT massive, but massive enough to intimidate me when i heard we had to take a quiz on it.

and i wasn't allowed to keep the binder. i had an hour to read it, and pass it on to the next class.

my college skills came back to me. i mean, it's only been 3 years. i'm not rusty. just dusty.

i took lots of notes, so i could study them after the binder left my possession. i don't actually know what happens if i fail. maybe i get fired. maybe i just have to wear a dunce cap. i'm not sure. all i know is...i'm being graded, and i have to get an A.

old habits die hard.

i like taking tests. i would rather swim in my own vomit than write a paper*, but i like taking tests.

i also went to the library and checked out every single eric carle book that is age appropriate for my class. sorry, other teachers. and moms. and kids.

i am that girl. that girl who likes tests, and approaches the library with selfish intentions.

*i read "uncle tom's cabin" a month or so ago, and for the first time in my entire life i wanted to write a paper. here's what it would have been about:

thesis statement: the people who know/understand/love Christ best are the ones who have experienced suffering.

there are 3 ways that Christianity is used in the book. some use Christianity to justify slavery. WRONG. some Christians acknowledge that slavery is wrong, but do nothing about it. WRONG. and then there's tom. he was brought as low as a human could be brought, and he praised/served/understood Christ the most. WINNER.

"What a thing it is to be a Christian!"

the grammar would be much better, but that'd be a fun paper to write. except for the citations and bibliography. uuuuugggghhhh. nevermind. i do not want to write that paper.

i would have voted for him.

today was one of those days when i felt like i lost my sense of humor. i felt weird. weird about friendships. weird about my job. weird about my future.

but it wasn't productive thinking time. i recognize the value of reflection, and goal-setting, and analyzing. i do it all the time. that's why i need a laugh every day.

but i do not want to end this day feeling weird. i want to laugh.

to stephen colbert, i turn.

i have his book "I am America (And So Can You!)"

(borrow it...)

i don't even have to look past page one. that'll do for today.

"I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.

Now, you might ask yourself, if by yourself you mean me, "Stephen, if you don't like books, why did you write one?" You just asked yourself a trick question. I didn't write it. I dictated it. I shouted it into a tape recorder over the Columbus Day weekend, then handed it to my agent and said, "Sell this." He's the one who turned it into a book. It's his funeral.

But I get your "drift." Why even dictate?

Well, like a lot of other dictators, there is one man's opinion I value above all others. Mine. And folks, I have a lot of opinions. I'm like Lucy trying to keep up with the candy at the chocolate factory. I can barely put them in my mouth fast enough.

In fact, I have so many opinions, I have overwhelmed my ability to document myself. I thought my nightly broadcast, "The Colbert Report" (check your local listings), would pick up some of my slack. But here's my dirty little secret. When the cameras go off, I'm still talking. And right now all that opinion is going to waste, like seed on barren ground. Well no more. It's time to impregnate this country with my mind."

saturday or sunday? decisions, decisions...

since i hate sunday so much, someone at church gave me this book called "keeping the sabbath wholly." she thinks it will help release my tension and make me enjoy the day again.

it took her a month or so to get it to me, because someone else at church was reading it.

and when she did give it to me, she pointed out that someone else at church had written their name in it, because they read it too.

and the book is worn from being read so much.

so already, i'm a fan! i love that i'm sharing this book with other people at my church.

the dedication in the front of the book:

"This book is dedicated to all the people who need the Sabbath -

the busiest, who need to work from a cohesive, unfragmented self;

social activists, who need a cycle of worship and action;

those who chase after fulfillment and need to understand their deepest yearnings and to hear the silence;

those who have lost their ability to play because of the materialism and technologization of our society, who need beauty and gaiety and delight;

those who have lost their passion and need to get in touch with feelings;

those who are alone and need emotional nourishment;

those who live in community and need solitude;

those who cannot find their life's priorities and need a new perspective;

those who think the future is dictated by the present, who need hope and visions of the future to change the present order..."

sounds good to me.

i love technology.

always and forever.

an excerpt from an e-mail from my best friend:

"i would say being jealous of the israelites is fine. i bet that they would have been jealous of us if they had been able to see what was coming."

a text message from my sister, relaying something she heard my grandparents say:

grandpa: i didn't know michael jackson knew so many people.
grandma: he really wasn't my type.

the best medicine.

isn't it fun when you think you've figured something out, but a day later you're confused again?

yeah.

so fun.

so, for some laughter today:

i heard two new versions of the "ABC's."

"a b b b...b b b..."

and from one of my more advanced students...

"a b c d e g h... (mid-song juice break) a b c d e g h..."

dear world,

should i leave my terrible job for a temp-to-hire job that may not lead to an actual job?

is this what they call a leap of faith, or an irresponsible decision?

can't tell.

e-mail or call me with your thoughts.

** this just in **

leap of faith.

i've said it a million times.

live music is my favorite music.

i just like it.

i typically listen to only one or two people at a time, and then switch things up every month or so. i have to take greatness in at small doses.

i've been listening to the same guy for almost a year now. since november 5th. the night i went to his concert, never having heard of him, and walked away fascinated.

he plays cello, and sings at the same time.

do i need to provide more information to justify the fascination?

well...

i check his website every now and then to see if he's coming back...

and he is.

next week. the 25th.

to the belcourt.

for $20.

twenty dollars?

he's worth it. he is.

i just feel this pressure to be sensible. it's only one night. he's opening, so probably not a long set.

sigh.

i'll just keep watching this:

three.

1) have you ever marveled at my ability to turn absolutely nothing into a dramatic story about...nothing? it runs in the family.

observe.

emily: do you want to hear something cool?
me: yes.
emily: we went to my bank, and it was robbed, while we were there.
mom: sort of.
emily: all the drive-throughs were shut. we went around front, and there were a lot of cop cars. one of them had the trunk open, so they probably had to get a gun out.
me: so, it was robbed before you got there.
emily: yeah. but there was a gun, or something.

2) we stayed in alabama for a night, and i made them watch the food network the whole time. because i don't have cable. and i like to cook. it's a valid request. but i had a fun flashback.

i used to watch my dad make biscuits. i can vividly remember watching him make the dough, rolling it out, cutting out biscuits, and repeating the last two steps until it was all gone. i'd just stand there and watch him. i love my Dad. and i love memories like that. my sister says he still makes biscuits a lot. which makes me happy.

3) we went to a wedding of two people who just graduated from college. neither of them have a job. they have no place to live. which makes this article even more interesting.

i do think it's strange that there are so many single people. not as many people get married anymore. marraige is viewed differently now, for some reason. we say it's an important part of society. but people my age are scared to enter into it. and it is a big deal. but i like how the article talks about how previous generations were poor when they got married, but single people today won't get married until they're financially secure. instead of growing as a couple through trials, we want everything to be perfect before we get married. i say "we" but that's not really my view. i'm not going to share my view, because i don't actually like talking about this, but definately read the article. it's interesting.

someone also showed me this once, but i have only read a little bit of it. i can't vouch for it, but if the topic interests you...there's another source. i do remember it addressing other issues. like how people expect to know their boyfriend/girlfriend perfectly before marrying them, but that's not realistic. it's written for guys, but the parts i've read have been very interesting. it's easy to forget that even romantic relationships are supposed to display God's glory, and be a reflection of Christ's love for the Church.

a wizard is never late, frodo.

my mom and one of my sisters (i have about a million) flew in tonight. we're going to a wedding tomorrow in alabama.

this is the first time my mom has flown since "march of 1980."

it went fine, but she "didn't like the shaking that went on."

tomorrow they're picking me up in a fancy rental car. because mine would surely explode on such a journey. they're scheduled to arrive at my apartment at 8:45.

and i have no doubt that is exactly when they will arrive. no sooner. no later.

that's how we do it.

even when i try to be late, because that's soooooo cool, i'm 15 minutes early.

also:

i'm going to stay up and finish the first harry potter book tonight. i've got about 50 or so pages. child's play.

this quote made me smile, because it is ME:

"Hermione, however, had more on her mind than the Sorcerer's Stone. She had started drawing up study schedules and color-coding all her notes."

my favorite day in college was a day i called "syllabus day." it was the first day of class. the professor would hand out the syllabus, and i would write all my assignments from all my syllabi in my planner. sigh. i had a separate notebook and folder for each class, and of course they matched. i had a pencil pouch with all the required utencils. and some white out, and a stapler for good measure.

i used to try and surprise myself on the first day of class. i registered for my classes the previous semester, obviously. the day i registered i would write down the times of the classes, and the rooms. but not the class name. so i could show up on the first day, and be surprised about what class it was.

i like surprises.

i like to be on time. i like to be organized. i like the way pencils sound when they write. i like post-its.

but i like surprises too.

also, i don't know how i feel about unicorns having silver blood.

i've had enough.

i am desperate.

i have hit my breaking point.

today was not pretty.

i need help finding a job. looking on my own has led me nowhere. if you hear of an open position somewhere, tell me about it, and i get the job...

i will give you $100.

please help me.

if you know of anyone who needs some extra cash, feel free to pass along this offer.

the more ears that are open, the more likely someone will hear something.

when i said i was desperate, that's actually what i meant.

sigh.

yesterday was one of the worst days i've ever had at work.

it was terrible.

i have a bully. she picks on me. it actually happens. i don't want to sit here and explain the absurd situation that happened yesterday. on a blog. lame. but it was by far the worst day i've ever had with her.

gossip makes me feel defeated.

but i am not. i am not defeated. i am ransomed. i am redeemed.

Man may trouble and distress me,
'Twill but drive me to Thy breast;
Life with trials hard may press me,
Heaven will bring me sweeter rest.
Oh, 'tis not in grief to harm me
While Thy love is left to me;
Oh, 'twere not in joy to charm me
Were that joy unmixed with Thee.

today i called my sister because it's her birthday. happy birthday emily!



and this one, this precious creature, is staying with her this weekend:



and i got to hear her say MY NAME for the first time ever. over and over again. i can't even explain how good that was. and while i was talking to emily she found a picture of me in the room, pointed to it, and said my name.

she knows who i am!!

me, the mysterious aunt who lives in another state. that she only gets to see a couple times a year.

she knows my name. she knows my face.

what an excellent follow-up to yesterday.

three years today.

it's true. i used to try and tame these wild locks.

rat to the rescue.

i just started reading my first harry potter.

i read all kinds of books. all kinds. really, i do. come peruse my bookshelf. you'll see.

i don't know why i've avoided reading these for so long. i used to say i was waiting for all of them to come out, so i wouldn't have to deal with the suspense. but that's not really it. i love suspense! and i'm not one of those people who avoids things that are popular. that's a lame reason to avoid something.

i actually decided to read them now because they're so popular. if i can read popular books from the past, why avoid what's popular now?

plus, i like children's books. in a couple weeks at work our curriculum is all about "books." i just decided today that my classroom decorations will be inspired by eric carle illustrations. he's my favorite children's author. because of the illustrations. it'll be great.

anyway.

i'm only 112 pages in, and this book is so cute i can't even stand it.

i'm sure that as i go along some amazing plot will develop, and i'll never be the same.

but right now i'm enjoying reading a children's book as an adult.

i love that every kid at hogwarts (listen to me! hogwarts! i'm reading harry potter!) has their own pet. i'm sure they'll serve some magical purpose later on, but i think it's cute that they all get their own pet. any kid reading this book will be like "MAN! i want my own toad! or rat! or owl!"

i think it's cute that harry has formed a friendship with a lonely boy on a train. i remember making friends when i was younger. it was so simple. or maybe it just seems that way now.

i think it's funny that first year students aren't allowed to have their own broomsticks. like freshmen in college aren't allowed to have their own cars. way to slip a joke in there for the oldtimers, rowling.

i like how things are named. one guy used something called a "Put-Outer." it put the lights out.

i could go on. it's so easy to recall feelings and experiences from childhood when you read a book like this. i wonder what i would have thought if i had read it as a 10 year old.

i love being taken to that place.

and i am glad that i have a deeper understanding of one episode of "the office" now. it's the episode where michael takes them all to the beach to play games, so he could give the winner his job. (oh, michael...) and they're naming their teams, and jim names his team "voldemort" and dwight says: "he who should not be named??" and then jim starts chanting "voldemort! voldemort!" just to freak dwight out.

good one, jim. good one.

i guess the next step is for me to go buy a cape or something. no, not a cape. a robe.

capes are for hobbits.

well, capes made by elves are for hobbits. specific hobbits. with a harrowing, life-or-death mission to take care of...

and i bet you thought i was cool because i read shakespeare and tolstoy.

turns out, i'm just a nerd who likes to read a lot.

it's time to shake our sillies out.

thank you, plastic bottle donors!



also:

i have a recurring dream! i've always wanted one of those.

here's how it goes:

i dream i go back to college.

sigh.

i take fun classes and learn wonderful things. then one day, i wake up and i'm late to class. or can't remember where my building is. and then it dawns on me...how am i going to pay for this? i can't afford to go back to school! i already have student loan debt! so then i drop out of all the classes.

~the end~

i've had it 3 times now.

interpretations? anyone?

lycopene.

i went to the tomato art festival today.

FUN.

music.

good food i didn't buy. but it was there.

lots of local artists and food growers and skilled people of all kinds selling their creations.

somehow i got out of the habit of documenting my life through pictures. i choose to change that.

one thing i love about east nashville is how there are so many locally owned, very cool, stores in the neighborhoods. i saw this one and it made me remember i had a camera with me, so i took a picture. it had all the tomato art inside. tomato art! how fantastically random.

and there was a lady with a booth set up outside this building. it was the "prose stand." or something like that. she had a typewriter. a typewriter. and she created prose on the spot for you, if you wanted her to. i think. interesting. i should have gotten some prose.



colorful.



this is not a great picture, but i thought it was funny. all these people crammed under one lonely tree cluster for shade to listen to the music.



fun story! we went to this "arthouse garden" place. they had some cute little benches set up, and there was another stage with some other music playing. and all these plants for sale. i saw a man from church there. and he was like "yeah. i own this place."



i think i got a sunburn. whoops.

things you can, but shouldn't, say to 2 year olds.

my co-teacher quit a couple weeks ago. it has not been fun having substitutes in the room with me.

but the one i had today taught us a new song.

sub:
5 little monkeys, swinging in a tree
teasing mr. alligator, "you can't catch me!"
so along comes mr. alligator, quiet as can be
and snaps one monkey right out of the tree

2 year old:

more monkeys! more monkeys!

sub:

there are no more monkeys. they're dead. the alligator got them.

tweet.

there's this crazy interesting white-haired (no commas, that's one adjective...crazy interesting white-haired) elder at my church. he has made funny comments about twitter on more than one occasion.

it's not often that i find myself in the same opinion bracket as white-haired people.

but twitter. what is that about?

i don't get it.

which is weird because i DO update my status on facebook. and it's the exact same thing. everything seems less strange on facebook. that should be their slogan.

but tonight i made an account.

it is now my goal to become the most boring twitter-er on the internet.

follow me. or something.

stuff is neat.

(and just to be clear, i don't think that people who love twitter are lame or anything. we all like different music, and different books, and now...different technologies. my preferences are not superior to anyone else's. although i will say that if you don't like ben sollee you're a disappointment to me.)

the unspoken hierarchy.

a cheer i remember from middle school:

regurgitate, regurgitate
throw up all the food you ate
puke, puke, puke, puke
BLLLLLUUUUUUUUUUGGGGHHHH

good times.

that's actually how i feel whenever i'm forced to mingle.

i feel that mingling never leads to genuine friendship. i don't understand it's function in society. i'd much rather hang out and talk for real, than talk about nothing for no reason with people i don't know.

but that's just me.

however. i don't know a million people like i used to, so it seems like mingling is what i'm left with. in order to get to the "hanging out" part, i have to do the mingling part.

the problem is that i'm such a terrible mingler that it ruins my chances of being friends with anyone. there's a reason i'm bad at it, but that's a secret i'm keeping off a blog. it's not insecurity. i have some great friends, and i know why they like me. because i'm awesome. but as long as i keep having to walk up to people saying boring stuff like "so. uh. i like your shoes." then i'm not going to make new friends. nobody wants to get to know that.

it makes me frustrated.

but not so frustrated that i can't make fun of myself or the entire process.

i feel there are rungs, if you will, to mingling. you work your way up.

1. School Dance

this is where most people learn to mingle. i'd elaborate, but i think the movie "napoleon dynamite" does a good enough job*.

topics to discuss: algebra. the football game. how puffy your sleeves are.

2. Church

this is where i'm at. it's a safe environment to test the mingling waters. Christians have to be nice to you. they can't just walk away. you run the risk of being "that awkward person", but in a safe place. you can't get shunned at Bible study. unless you're amish.

topics to discuss: the sermon. the music. tim keller. bono. africa.

3. Work

if you're lucky, you work for michael scott and have plenty of opportunities to mingle at work. maybe at a party. or a meeting. the water cooler is a good place to start. i hope it goes well, or you'll never be able to hydrate at work again.

topics to discuss: the weather. the commute. labor day plans. the pros and cons of monster.com.

4. Party

this is your first chance to really test your mingling skills. can you hold someone's attention while music is playing, and guys are trying to burn things, and people keep bumping into you? hand gestures usually help.

topics to discuss: how awesome the dip is. how you'd like to get some more. how you wish you knew the recipe.

5. Bar

this should really be left to the professionals. and by that, i mean the actual bartenders. they are professional minglers. just don't even go.

*i own it. we can watch it. when you're done mingling.

i know what you're thinking. maybe. "you had to have mingled successfully at some point, because you do have friends."

WRONG.

i have never once made a friend by mingling. not once. i made friends in high school by going on church trips, or to Bible study. or by doing trust falls. i made friends in college through my roommates. one of them i met at Bible study, no mingling required. and one of them was mostly random and turned out to be my BEST FRIEND. they got to know me because they lived with me. and i used to rap for them. in my pajamas. probably on top of a chair. and when they were with their friends, i was more relaxed because they knew me, so i got to know more people.

but those friends are gone.

and i'm doing this by myself.

and i hate mingling.

i do not like cats.

sorry about the double posting.

NOT!

i'm always trying to bring back "NOT!"

anyway.

i'm not going to explain how i ended up on youtube typing in "stupid cats."

i am not a cat person.

i don't feel like this needs to be justified.

but if you need some convincing:



did you see those fangs?? and those eyes...

ugh.

it reminds me of a quote from "bones." an unexpectedly hilarious show i watch.

"the common house cat will devour you before your body is even cold."

i believe it.

heart sore.

a while ago i wrote about my sponsored child, douglas.

i've been his sponsor for four years.

last week i found out his family moved to a different city. a city that doesn't have a compassion center.

so just like that, after four years, he's not my sponsored child anymore.

i usually try to think through my life with rational thoughts, but there weren't many to latch onto this time...so i cried a little. that might seem like an overreaction considering we've never met. but it's been four years.

four years of praying for him every day. four years of cute letters. four years of dreaming of the day i'd go to brazil and actually meet him. and hug him. and learn how to say something in portuguese. something like "i love you." and something about Jesus, probably. or soccer. he really likes soccer.

it hurts to think of him moving away without me getting a chance to say "i will not stop praying for you, and thinking about you." i want him to know i won't forget him. he's probably disappointed that he had to move away from people that care about him. i don't like thinking of him being sad. or in danger. it's brazil. they said he finished the 6th grade, and they sent him off healthy.

i am so thankful, that because of compassion's ministry, he believes in Jesus. he's lost to me, but he's not lost to Jesus.

i had previously volunteered to stand at a compassion table at this weird concert thing on friday night. which was actually perfect timing. but also kind of sad because people kept asking me about my sponsored child. and i didn't want to explain the situation each time, so i kept talking about douglas. but i kept hearing a voice say "he's not yours anymore." but really, he never was. he belongs to Someone who cares very much about him.

anyway. there's that. they're sending me a new one. same basic age, same part of brazil. same gender. which kind of disturbs me. i'd rather just start over with some 7 year old girl or something, but i'm pretty sure i won't hate him.

i like to pretend i'm a library.

do yourself a favor and read "the importance of being earnest" by oscar wilde. it's a 54 page play. from the 1800's. it's one of the funniest things i've ever read. it took only an hour out of my life. feel free to borrow my copy.

"…girls never marry the men they flirt with."

"The truth is rarely pure and never simple. Modern life would be very tedious if it were either, and modern literature a complete impossibility!"

"I have always been of opinion that a man who desires to get married should know either everything or nothing."

"Whatever influence I ever had over mamma, I lost at the age of three."

"No married man is ever attractive except to his wife."

"One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them."

"I hate to seem inquisitive, but would you kindly inform me who I am?"