i know fear.

Laden With Guilt and Full of Fears

1. Laden with guilt and full of fears,
I fly to Thee, my Lord,
And not a glimpse of hope appears,
But in Thy written Word
The volumes of my Father’s grace
Does all my griefs assuage
Here I behold my Savior’s face
In every page.

2. This is the field where, hidden, lies
The pearl of price unknown
That merchant is divinely wise
Who makes the pearl his own
Here consecrated water flows
To quench my thirst of sin
Here the fair tree of knowledge grows,
No danger dwells within.

3. This is the judge that ends the strife,
Where wit and reason fail
My guide to everlasting life
Through all this gloomy vale
Oh may Thy counsels, mighty God,
My roving feet command,
Nor I forsake the happy road
That leads to Thy right hand.

In the Hours

1. In the hours of pain and sorrow,
When the world brings no relief
When the eye is dim and heavy,
And the heart oppressed with grief
While blessings flee, Savior Lord we trust in Thee!
While blessings flee, Savior Lord we trust in Thee!

2. When the snares of death surround us,
Pride, ambition, love of ease
Mammon with her false allurements,
Words that flatter, smiles that please
Then ere we yield, Savior Lord be Thou our shield
Then ere we yield, Savior Lord be Thou our shield

3. When forsaken in distress,
Poor despised and tempest-tossed
With no anchor here to stay us,
Drifting, sail and rudder lost
Then save us Thou, who trod this earth with weary brow
Then save us Thou, who trod this earth with weary brow

4. Thou the hated and forsaken,
Thou the bearer of the cross
Crowned of thorns and mocked and smitten,
Counting earthly gain but loss
When scorned are we, We joy to be the more like Thee
When scorned are we, We joy to be the more like Thee

5. Thou the Fathers best beloved,
Thou the throned and sceptered King
Who but Thee should we adoring,
All our prayers and praises bring?
So blessed are we, Savior Lord in loving Thee
So blessed are we, Savior Lord in loving Thee

boo.

that's right. i carved that. it's a spider, in honor of my arachniphobia. but i know you can tell it's a spider, because it's awesome.

tomorrow is halloween!

i kind of forgot that a basic part of my job description is to wear something halloweenish tomorrow. i work with kids. halloween is for kids. and witches.

so i went to target tonight. the night before halloween. i was hoping to find some cat ears or something, so i could be a cat like pam on the office. (because i can't actually be pam at a preschool like i want to...there's nothing kid friendly about that).

i found something that will work in the dollar section. there's always something deliciously random in the dollar section at target.

moose ears!

that's what i'm going to be. a moose. i don't know what a moose sounds like. all i know about a moose is that it has big ears that kind of look like hands. but i'm going to be wearing the ears, so i won't need to use my hands. i need to do some research.

and no, they aren't reindeer ears. the tag says moose ears.

but i will say that if i had found a santa hat, i would have absolutely worn that. the irony would have been too magical to resist.

i'm no piper.

this blog will never be a place for devotionals. i like to be ridiculous. i enjoy that way more than being serious. i'm about to share something serious, but i'm going to follow it with something ridiculous. because this is not a serious blog. usually. usually. but you can always tell i'm being serious when i use italics.

so i just read Genesis 21. it's when isaac was born.

that's nice. the promised covenant child. sarah laughed. we all like abraham.

what i really enjoyed about the story this time around, was when hagar and ishmael were sent out to the desert.

the background information here is that God promised a son to abraham, and he was old. and so was his wife sarah. like, really old. so old it's super gross to think about them having sex. so abraham was like "whatever, man. i believe you, but i don't really believe you." and then sarah was like "hagar, servant girl, sleep with my husband and give him a son." because we humans love to take matters into our own hands. so hagar had ishmael.

well in this chapter, isaac (the son that God promised would come, through sarah and abraham) was born. and sarah got all pissy because ishmael was hanging around, being an obnoxious older brother. but God said...yeah, they should probably leave.

so hagar and ishmael were banished. banished! they were sent on their way to wander around. can you imagine how lonely that was? abraham had been taking care of them and loving them (some other verses in this chapter and other chapters implied...he cared about them), so they were used to being part of that family, and all of a sudden they weren't. ishmael shouldn't have been born like that, but that's not hagar or ishmael's fault. so they were basically being punished for other people's actions. or so it seemed. they were in the desert. they were thirsty. they were crying. i'm sure it seemed like there was no hope for them, at all. i don't know the depth of those feelings, but i know what it's like to feel abandoned and hopeless. of course God showed up and said that He would make ishmael into a nation also, and it says "God was with the boy as he grew up" which is cool too.

so i was reading this story, and i just really related to it today. and i wonder why no one ever really talks about this part of the story. everyone's all about isaac and sarah and abraham. but there's this great side story about hagar and ishmael.

i mean really, when is the last time someone named their baby "hagar"? she went through some stuff.

i don't have a good summary. or a point. i'm just noting that it's a great story that is overshadowed by the awesomeness of what God did through abraham, isaac, and sarah.

so it's time for something ridiculous.

there's a girl in my class who is going through a phase. a phase where she likes to take her pants off. a lot. and sometimes when i try to pull them back up, she wiggles around so much that i can't actually get her pants back on. and yesterday i actually started laughing, maybe a little too much, because i realized how absurd it was for me to have to convince someone to keep their pants on.

monday, monday, monday.

my job made me laugh again today.

the first boy was dropped off and his dad said, "he'll probably be kind of tired today. he stayed up late watching 'army wives.'"

how, exactly, does that happen?

the next kid was dropped off, and her mom informed me that she would also be tired today. because of all the sleepwalking.

her description of last night at their house disturbed me.

she said at one point they heard her chattering and went into her room and discovered that she was sleeptalking to her baby dolls. just standing in the middle of the room, talking to them. while sleeping.

and that later they heard her running around in her room, so the mom went in and said "what are you DOING? it is not time to run around! you need to be sleeping..." and she just collapsed on the floor, instantly, into a deep sleep.

that is so eery.

that same girl is going through a phase where she screams "happy birthday!" throughout the day, for no reason. so we play along and ask whose birthday it is, and every day she picks someone different. one day it was mine. but not today.

no, today is santa's birthday.

october 27th. mark your calendars.

james morrison might be guilty.

i went to youtube today to look for a video. i have no idea why, but youtube's recommended picks for me today were:

Benny Hinn: Let the Bodies Hit the Floor
The Rapture: You NEED to see this
something about John McCain

what?

i've never in my life watched something about benny hinn on youtube. or the rapture. it was also strange that the picture shown for the rapture video was of george bush. the original george bush.

so weird.

i was looking for a john mccain video that someone told me was funny the other day. i guess youtube thinks every john mccain supporter (which i am not, see yesterday's post) is a benny hinn supporter? WHAT?

anyway. here's the video i was looking for. i guess you could put colbie caillat in my "guilty pleasure" music file. ("guilty" because she doesn't sing about anything new or interesting...and it's not the best music...i just like it when a girl singer sings in my range...and sometimes simple ideas make ok songs...)

martin luther.

i went to a great concert last night. i don't know if i've ever mentioned it on here, but...i LOVE live music. more than any other kind of music. and i haven't had any in a long time. (unless you count me singing, all the time, alone in my apartment...and i don't. my neighbors probably want me to stop. if i can hear their clock chime every 15 minutes, i guess they can hear me too...it just doesn't seem like it...)

the art music justice tour. sara groves. sandra mccracken. derek webb. charlie peacock.

brandon heath?

weird addition. i'm not saying he's a loser. i'm just saying...i never would have put that together myself. it worked though. in a way.

not the point.

wonderful, relaxing, inspiring, quality, live music. i don't regret staying up "late" for it. even though when i got back from work today i discovered that i left my milk ON TOP of the fridge, because i am completely unable to function in the morning on less than 7-8 hours sleep. and, oh yeah, i spilled my cereal on me while i was eating it this morning. not a good morning.

that's not the point either.

in between sets they talked about different organizations that do their part in bringing justice to the world. freeing slaves. feeding the hungry. it was great.

that's not the point either. it should be. but it's not.

it's been a few years since i've heard derek webb share his thoughts on a controversial subject, so i forgot that i'm always supposed to have a pen and paper with me when he speaks.

he said some words about the upcoming election. and so did my Pastor on sunday. i'm waiting for that to be posted on the website so i can post it on here, because both of them were very encouraging to me...the mystical undecided voter. my Pastor reiterated that our church doesn't endorse a specific candidate, and that Christians should make informed decisions, and be involved in the political process. and voting is one way to do that. people fought for our right to vote. it's important.

but derek's comments reminded me...i am free in Christ. i am free to vote, and i am free not to vote. mainly because he said, "you are free not to vote."

he talked a minute about how by this point a lot of people have decided who to vote for, and that's great. however, there are others of us that are probably just leaning towards one of them. but still...there's something gnawing at us. something that bothers us about that candidate. something we can't fully support. something our conscience won't let us disregard. and he talked about how it's not good to make decisions that go against our conscience. so he said...pray about it. think about it. search the Bible for a mandate to vote. and when we don't find that mandate, to remember...we are free. Christian liberty. something won for us on the Cross, among other glorious riches.

it's a privilege to live in this country. it's a blessing, actually. like i said, people fought for the right to vote. it matters.

being an american is nice. but i'm a Christian first, before everything else. i can't vote for john mccain because he is against abortion, but pretend that greed doesn't influence his policies. i can't vote for barack obama because i like what he has to say about the middle class, but pretend that i don't care that more babies will die. (totally just oversimplified both of their platforms to two complex issues...i know...)

i'm not suggesting that Christians shouldn't vote, or that my conscience is purer than other Christians and that's why i can't bring myself to vote. no. a lot of wise and godly Christians are voting. i just can't make a decision, and that's ok. i'm using my voice to say i don't support either of them. and i'm completely free in Christ to not vote.

i'm looking into third party candidates, but if i can't figure them out...i'm embracing Christian liberty. and i feel so much more at peace about that than i have felt in the past couple of months trying to figure out who to vote for.

bust a move.

this is a couple months old, and i forgot about it. i ran across it again today.



ridiculous.

joe the plumber.

it's saturday, and i just watched the last presidential debate.

i forgot it happened on wednesday. i was playing computer games.

i watched the entire thing this time, but there was still a problem. i watched "SNL weekend update thursday" on thursday...so i had a really hard time taking the actual debate seriously. during certain parts. you know the parts.

i also kept thinking about how their suits were really shiny.

it was a really good debate though. i think they explained themselves better this time. especially when responding to each other's accusations. i still don't know who i'm voting for...

and to be honest, i'm really skeptical of people who were firmly convinced of who to vote for months ago. it's perfectly fine to know who to vote for NOW, because we're almost there. it's almost time to vote. i should make my decision. i have commitment issues.

but we're talking about two candidates here who are imperfect. there's no way we can look at either of them and say "i agree one hundred percent with you." i think my pastor said once if you agree with someone about everything...it should be yourself.

i get irritated when i hear obama supporters talking so condescendingly about mccain supporters. like they're idiots or naive. and i get really irritated about mccain supporters talking about obama supporters like they're immoral and selfish.

neither candidate has good ideas about everything. and if you think your candidate was "the obvious choice" from day one...then you haven't really examined either of them.

but that's just my opinion.

my favorite part of SNL was the crazy mccain supporter. hilarious. "i heard obama is 50% egyptian. he's going to turn the white house into a pyramid."

life on the edge.

i am a bad driver.

i'm the one who gives women a bad name. sorry.

it's not intentional. i don't speed for the thrill of it. i don't tail people because i think it's my right. i don't furiously switch lanes out of impatience. usually.

but i'm not one with a lot of common sense. (i make up for it with charm and wit). and people with less common sense than other people make bad drivers. i tend to drive through yellow/red lights, or stop at green/yellow lights. when i do switch lanes, it's very...jerky. most of my driving is very jerky. i'm just a bad driver.

so i have a couple rules for myself.

1) don't eat while driving.
2) don't answer the phone while driving.

if i break those rules, people die.

so last night i got off work and did the crying thing that i mentioned yesterday, and i couldn't wait until i got back to my apartment to talk to someone. i called my dad, and then i called my friend ashley.

i shouldn't have done that.

while i was talking to ashley, i failed to notice that there was a cop directly in front of me.

i just can't focus while i'm on the phone...

anyway, apparently i got a little distracted by our conversation and wasn't paying attention...

because i somehow started tailing the cop...

to the point where he switched lanes...

and slowed down...

and i almost, ALMOST sped by him in a fury. the grace of God opened my eyes to what was happening, and i realized "hey, that's a COP." so i slowed down and he didn't pull me over, which is also grace. cop grace.

whew.

you should be jealous of me.

what an arrogant title.

i'm not joking!

but it's not really about me.

it's about my amazing family. you should wish that they could be your family, because they are the best family.

my grandpa just called me, and said:

"we just got your letter! you said you like to read books. i wanted to know...have you ever heard of the book 'how to win friends and influence people'? i have an extra copy, i can mail it to you!"

shut up!

it was SO HARD not to laugh. i wanted to hug him.

and i need a laugh, and a hug today.

we had a staff meeting at work. she said there is mandatory four hour training on november 15th that we all have to go to, no exceptions.

oh, by the way, a month or so ago i bought a plane ticket to visit my sister emily on november 14th-16th.

so during this meeting i won $50 in a game of "preschool bingo" and i didn't care. at all. all i could think was, "if she doesn't let me go, i will QUIT. i will walk out this door and never come back. i can't take this constant up and down, constant stress, constant anxiety.. anymore."

but that would be irresponsible. i would be angry about losing $380, but that's not as bad as being unemployed with no savings.

and then God interjected and said "hey, remember Moses? and Pharaoh? yeah, that guy was almost as bad as your boss, and I caused him to be 'favorably disposed' towards Moses, and...he let My people go."

i just paraphrased God. i'm sure my boss is nothing like an egyptian tyrant.

so i started praying, for the rest of the meeting. i went up to her after, and she said "we'll work it out. just don't tell anyone."

so i'll be praying for that for the next month. she...forgets things. she makes rash decisions in moments of panic. she's completely unreliable.

but God isn't! i have to remember that.

and if i lose $380, i'll have to deal with it. i'll be pissed. i already cried once. (and to quote myself from an e-mail i sent a friend earlier...i'm a big fan of suppressing emotion, so i DO NOT like crying, and i don't do it often...) my sister is graduating from baylor this year, so i wanted to visit her at college. anyway. money is nothing, that's my point. it's just money. it doesn't own me.

so that's thursday. while we're on the subject of thursday, weren't jim and pam so cute at the end of the episode tonight?

the perfect amount of senile.

i already posted once today, but something wonderful happened. i don't want to forget any of the details before tomorrow. it's my blog, whatever!

my grandma called me tonight.

"you know, me and your grandpa have plenty to do. we keep busy visiting with people, or watching all the politics on tv. you know, sometimes we keep talking after we turn the tv off, and before you know it, it's 3am! 68 years, and we aren't sick of each other yet!"

that's right. 68 years of marraige. my grandparents. they're living most people's dream.

and then, in the same train of thought...

"have you found any boyfriends you like yet?"

ahh, yes. i suspect that for the next few years she'll be asking me that out of curiosity, but after that i'll begin to detect a hint of desperation in her voice.

two things my grandma told me that i don't need to know:
1) her neighbor got a new roof.
2) my cousin's baby is taking the breast milk really well. he's gaining weight.

after my grandma hung up the phone, my grandpa called me. he called to ask if i wanted a dvd of my grandma's 90th birthday party that we had in may. but he wanted to make sure i have a dvd player. (note: they don't own a computer, but my grandpa could probably make and burn dvds better than any fool you know.) i said yes, please send me one...even though he already did.

also, my sister emily is doing some sort of family history project in school, so they sent her all kinds of things to help her with it. (she didn't tell me that, though. she just told me they were sending her all these old letters and pictures, and i was afraid they were having that "we're going to die soon, please enjoy these artifacts from our life after we're gone" feeling.)

they sent her some copies of paintings that my great-grandpa made when he was younger. my mind has been blown completely apart by them. the dates on them range from 1893 to 1902. i've never met this man. i had no idea we had anyone with artistic ability in our family. you know, other than me. (TOTALLY kidding!)

i do like to paint, actually. i'm not a painter. i'm not just saying that. it's a hobby i picked up in the last year of my life. i do really simple things, because i thought it would be fun if all the artwork around my apartment is stuff that i make myself. anyway, a few weeks ago i came up with something to make for my bedroom. in my mind, i thought of all these swirly things that i could do...then i saw these paintings, and i think i can try to incorporate parts of it into the one i'm going to make, because he did a simliar kind of thing! i can't wait.

11 hour workday.

i think i want to go to a halloween costume party...just so i can be pam beasley.

i have curly hair!

----

the children did three funny things at work today.

1) while we were on the playground, i saw one little boy examining a bug. then he started yelling, "HI, LADYBUG!"

2) i saw another little boy running around in circles. the same way dogs chase their tails. speaking of dogs, his dog just died. but his mom hasn't told him. she's hoping he won't notice.

and the best moment of all...

3) a girl was sitting by herself, a little sad. but not exactly in distress. a boy walked up to her, and started singing "happy birthday to you" to cheer her up.

drunken butterfly.

my niece, kailey.

it really is ridiculous how cute she is.

sorry, dad.

more things my father was not hoping i would take away from his father's copy of how to win friends and influence people:

"A little iodine that can be bought at a corner drugstore for five cents is all that stands between you and an institution for the mentally ill."

"...and there, suddenly - to my dismay - I saw the majesty of the law, astride a bay horse."

"The man who said that is now dead."

in between all the "blah, blah, be nice to people" stories...those are the quotes that catch my attention.

let's just say it's hard to take this book completely seriously.

actually it's hard to take ANY book seriously, after finishing a chuck klosterman book. i think i accidentally imagine that every author is high while he or she writes.

true stories: the first installment

it should be no secret by now that i have a strange family. the best kind of strange, mind you. i will be taking a few trips to texas before the end of the year. i was thinking today about how wonderful things will happen. strange things.

tonight, a preview.

a real conversation i had with my youngest sister laura. which followed another strange conversation i had with another sister, emily. the first line will make it apparent that i'm leaving out a lot of details, but...that's not really the point.

me: you used to eat worms?
laura: i ate one once
laura: why?
me: what are you talking about
laura: what are you talking about
me: emily just told me that, and i didnt believe her
laura: i did. when i was four
me: why did you do that
laura: i thought it was a gummy worm
me: no, no you didnt. that can't be the reason.
laura: i am being serious
me: where was i
laura: i dont know. i did it at church in sunday school
me: that's bizarre.
laura: eh
me: i put a roach in my mouth once
me: that used to be one of mom's favorite anecdotes
laura: i know. i was there
me: no, i was one.
me: you weren't even partially there.
me: emily wasn't even there.
me: i was barely there.
laura: i have a vision in my mind.

what?

douglas.

hey check out that cute little banner in the upper left corner.

i'm a Compassion sponsor. i sponsor a boy in brazil named douglas.

in honor of my new banner, i'm going to tell my story about douglas. because he's so cool.

belmont has a "spiritual emphasis week" every year. one night during my sophomore year, after the worship gathering, i stopped by the compassion table. i don't even know why. no one had plugged compassion, i don't think. it was just...there. and usually i avoid "those types of things." people begging for money for children with sad faces. i don't like being manipulated, you know. but you know God, He's always up to something. somehow i ended up at the table, browsing through the child packets.

let me pause to note how ridiculous that sounds. browsing through children.

anyway, i found a picture i liked. it was a little girl named priscila. she was standing with her hand on her hip, so i picked her because i liked her attitude. i went back to my dorm room, and told my roommates. they thought it would be fun if we sponsored her together.

we had a lot of fun writing her letters, and sending her pictures. she even sent us some crafts that she made at the compassion center! i can't explain how much joy something like that brings. it's not the "i feel so good about myself, i helped someone in need" feeling. it's the "i can't believe i have a relationship with such a precious child in another country" feeling. a real relationship. because of the relationship, we kind of forgot about the sending money part. i mean, we sent the money. but it didn't seem like a big deal. we just really liked writing letters back and forth.

then one of those roommates got married, so she couldn't really be a part of the fun anymore. so it was just me and ashley. then one day we got a really sad letter. it said that pricila's mom stopped taking her to the center and they didn't know why. they offered to pick her up and drop her off, but her mom didn't want her to go anymore.

i was mad.

but i decided...well, maybe this is the perfect time to cease sponsorship. i'm in college, i don't have a lot of money. even paying for half of the sponsorship seemed like a lot to me.

and then i pulled out the rest of the letter.

a picture of douglas, and his packet of information. i couldn't say no! it wasn't guilt, it was the joy of knowing another little person.

i am blown away by this "little person." he's actually about to turn 13, and they sent me updated pictures of him a few months ago. it's time to stop thinking of him as a "little person." he could probably beat me up.

anyway, he's awesome. he offers to pray for ME, and one time he sent ME a Bible verse to memorize. how many teenage boys do you know like that?

eventually we graduated and ashley got married too, so now it's just me and douglas.

every now and then when i review my budget trying to find things to give up, so i can save more money...it's never even a temptation to cut out this "expense." thirty-two dollars a month. that's actually a lot of money for me, but i never even feel it. i care about him so much. the money part is so insignificant. not because i'm so loaded, or because there aren't other things i could do with that money. but being a compassion sponsor is so much more than just handing over money every month! i'm part of his life, and he's part of mine.

i really liked the fact that me and my two roommates could sponsor together when we were in college. families do it, youth groups do it. that money can be divided up over any number of people who want to sponsor together. that's how i was able to afford it in college.

so, to sum up...

douglas is better than netflix. you should get one.

ask me if you have questions. i worked at a concert once selling children (there's probably a better way to say that), so i still have the info.

the part of my job i enjoy.

a big part of my job is keeping the classroom looking cute and colorful. we're required to hang up a certain amount of the children's art. we're also required to change the windows regularly, and make "seasonal" displays.

we just created my favorite window art that we've ever made.



i love it, i love it. i made the owls! they kind of look like penguins, but i don't even care. i whipped those out of nowhere.

the other teacher put their names on acorns in little piles at the bottom of the trees. we definately met the "cute" requirement. also, there's a girl in my class named sarah. my older sister's name is sarah, and i feel super weird being in charge of this little girl. but i do get a kick out of saying "sarah, dirt is not food. don't eat dirt."



and we put our names on the owls. note that some of the leaves have tissue paper glued on them. we didn't want their nasty art ruining our display, so we just had them glue some tissue paper on about half of the leaves.



this is the beginning, only the beginning, of our halloween art. we have big plans. spiders made from their hand prints, pumpkins everywhere. you just wait. (note: we won the "decorating contest" in the spring, and feel the constant need to overachieve as a result).



and we also have to change up the door every now and then with all of their names on it. these are supposed to look like those little blocks that they build with...i don't know how else to describe them...little blocks. but someone told me they look like ice cubes. oh well! one time i cut out a bunch of giant crayons with their names written on them, and that was pretty cute. it's hard to be creative over and over again.

psalm 35.

how did this become the story of my life? next chapter, please.

1 Contend, O LORD, with those who contend with me;
fight against those who fight against me.

2 Take up shield and buckler;
arise and come to my aid.

3 Brandish spear and javelin [a]
against those who pursue me.
Say to my soul,
"I am your salvation."

4 May those who seek my life
be disgraced and put to shame;
may those who plot my ruin
be turned back in dismay.

5 May they be like chaff before the wind,
with the angel of the LORD driving them away;

6 may their path be dark and slippery,
with the angel of the LORD pursuing them.

7 Since they hid their net for me without cause
and without cause dug a pit for me,

8 may ruin overtake them by surprise—
may the net they hid entangle them,
may they fall into the pit, to their ruin.

9 Then my soul will rejoice in the LORD
and delight in his salvation.

10 My whole being will exclaim,
"Who is like you, O LORD
You rescue the poor from those too strong for them,
the poor and needy from those who rob them."

11 Ruthless witnesses come forward;
they question me on things I know nothing about.

12 They repay me evil for good
and leave my soul forlorn.

13 Yet when they were ill, I put on sackcloth
and humbled myself with fasting.
When my prayers returned to me unanswered,

14 I went about mourning
as though for my friend or brother.
I bowed my head in grief
as though weeping for my mother.

15 But when I stumbled, they gathered in glee;
attackers gathered against me when I was unaware.
They slandered me without ceasing.

16 Like the ungodly they maliciously mocked [b] ;
they gnashed their teeth at me.

17 O Lord, how long will you look on?
Rescue my life from their ravages,
my precious life from these lions.

18 I will give you thanks in the great assembly;
among throngs of people I will praise you.

19 Let not those gloat over me
who are my enemies without cause;
let not those who hate me without reason
maliciously wink the eye.

20 They do not speak peaceably,
but devise false accusations
against those who live quietly in the land.

21 They gape at me and say, "Aha! Aha!
With our own eyes we have seen it."

22 O LORD, you have seen this; be not silent.
Do not be far from me, O Lord.

23 Awake, and rise to my defense!
Contend for me, my God and Lord.

24 Vindicate me in your righteousness, O LORD my God;
do not let them gloat over me.

25 Do not let them think, "Aha, just what we wanted!"
or say, "We have swallowed him up."

26 May all who gloat over my distress
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who exalt themselves over me
be clothed with shame and disgrace.

27 May those who delight in my vindication
shout for joy and gladness;
may they always say, "The LORD be exalted,
who delights in the well-being of his servant."

28 My tongue will speak of your righteousness
and of your praises all day long.

g-r-r-r-r.

there's a special edition of SNL on right now. a half hour episode about the election stuff, because it's the funniest thing they've done in a LONG time.

and they just made fun of the last debate...

and showed a shot of the curb event center...

and mentioned belmont university twice.

it wasn't a relevant or important part of the skit, but i still feel really proud of belmont. those people had never heard of belmont before. but we were just on SNL!

i think i'm an ex-smoker.

this afternoon i wanted to watch tv, but...not oprah.

some people told me that this new show was really funny, so i decided to watch it online. i LOVE that we now have that option.

worst week. that's the show.

and it is amazing. i laughed as hard as i laugh at the office. it's funny in a different way, but it is funny.

in the first ten minutes of the first episode, the phrase "dick, be careful, sam's urine!" was shouted. so you know it's a winner.

and the advertisement that played in the middle was for chantix, some medicine or something for people wanting to stop smoking. one of the side effects is "vivid, unusual, or strange dreams."

sounds like a good time.

neopolitan.

yesterday i was talking to a coworker, and i said "are you going to watch the debate? it's at belmont!!" and she said "yeah, i'm going to watch a black man win!" and i laughed about it, because i thought that was funny.

well today she asked me what i thought about it. i told her i still don't know who i'm voting for, i'm really confused about who would make better decisions for our country. i also said i thought that obama did a really good job last night...he seemed really calm the whole time, and he's really good at communicating.

and then she said something like:

"well, you shouldn't be afraid for a black man to be president. God made every kind of person there is."

and just walked out the door, without me having a chance to, um, respond to that.

if i decide to vote for mccain, i'm doing it because i'm RACIST?

the short answer is NO.

the long answer is heck, no.

i really don't know what to do with that. racial tension is definately still an issue in this country. but that doesn't mean all mccain supporters are prejudiced. i did not expect to ever hear that.

and i guess that's one piece of evidence that proves how blind i am to the issue of race in general. if i didn't expect to hear it, i'm not really aware of how big an issue it is.

but it's still LAME.

cheesecake.

i have no deep political insights today.

tonight when i turned on the news and saw the belmont debate coverage (so cool! i am proud...), there was this story about a commercial that mccain ran.

in the commercial, the mccain people re-played a clip of a news story about barack obama.

so, to recap...

i watched a news story, about a commerical that featured a news story.

can we not?

i'm going to sit through this debate tonight. i am determined. i am proud of belmont. i am ready to make a decision about who to vote for. i am going to eat pudding. i made pudding just for this.

remix.

a couple years ago on my myspace blog, i put a quote from a c.s. lewis book that i was reading at the time. the weight of glory.

he's my favorite author.

it's too bad he doesn't have any babies. i wonder what c.s. lewis babies would be like. and c.s. lewis grandbabies, for me to marry.

anyway, the quote i loved that day was from an essay on pacifism. one of the issues in the upcoming election is the war, obviously. i'm not sure what the best strategy is there. should we stay? should we leave? i'm no expert. but i tend to lean on the side of "don't run away from war just because it sucks." it's kind of the nature of war to suck. and war isn't always wrong. sometimes it is. but i don't automatically assume that it's a bad idea. if you want to be against a war, you need more of a reason than "this sucks. it's been going on for a long time." but that's a different rant, for a different day. (and for the record, i'm not saying i am for or against the current one...not to avoid conflict...but because i have no idea what to think...people LIE on BOTH sides...)

TODAY, here is a quote from c.s. lewis about pacifism in general.

"All that we fear from all the kinds of adversity, severally, is collected together in the life of a soldier on active service. Like sickness, it threatens pain and death. Like poverty, it threatens ill lodging, cold, heat, thirst, and hunger. Like slavery, it threatens toil, humiliation, injustice, and abritrary rule. Like exile, it separates you from all you love. Like the gallies, it imprisons you at close quarters with uncongenial companions. It threatens every temporal evil except dishonour and final perdition, and those who bear it like it no better than you would like it. On the other side, though it may not be your fault, it is certainly a fact that Pacifism threatens you with almost nothing. Some public opprobrium, yes, from people whose opinion you discount and whose society you do not frequent, soon recompensed by the warm mutual approval which exists, inevitably, in any minority group. For the rest it offers you a continuance of the life you know and love, among the people and in the surroundings you know and love. It offers you time to lay the foundations of a career; for whether you will or no, you can hardly help getting the jobs for which the discharged soldiers will one day look in vain. You do not even have to fear, as Pacifists may have had to fear in the last war, that public opinion will punish you when the peace comes. For we have learned now that though the world is slow to forgive, it is quick to forget."

heads or tails.

abcnews has a quiz you can take on obama and mccain. it gives a series of quotes, and you pick the one you agree with. it's supposed to help people like me decide who to vote for.

i got 6 for one and 7 for the other.

not helpful.

unless someone can talk me out of it, i am either going to do a coin toss to decide who to vote for...

or not vote at all.

i'm serious. i'm not going to cast a vote just for the sake of casting a vote. i want to feel confident about my decision. who knew i'd be one of those people. i did not see this coming.

i am undecided.

i spent 6 or so hours at firestone today, getting the timing belt on my car replaced before it breaks and makes my car explode.

it was not awesome.

cnn was on in the waiting room, so i saw a few hours of election coverage. it wasn't awesome either.

i also had my grandpa's/father's copy of "how to win friends and influence people" with me. i don't think i'm learning what i'm supposed to be learning. this is what i have taken away from it so far:

"Catherine the Great refused to open letters that were not addressed to 'Her Imperial Majesty.'"

sounds like a great life philosophy to me!

"Life once wrecked all her dream ships on the sharp rocks of reality; but in the sunny, fantastic isles of insanity, all her barkentines race into port with canvas billowing and with winds singing through the masts."

"As a group, insane people are happier than you and I."

i know my family.

read yesterday's post before you read this.

i just got the book in the mail. but i have to give it back when i'm done. LAME! this is still fun though. it's really old and worn out, and the pages are brown. i love the way old books smell. and i love that my grandpa held it in his hands, and so did my dad.

so, i had no idea that "how to win friends and influence people" was written in the 30's.

ha!

that's what he sent me! that was one of my guesses. amazing.

i think he sent it to me because i am having a hard time at work. and he gives me advice about it a lot.

y'all better be ready to be won over and influenced by me. watch out.

stay tuned...

my dad called to tell me that he just mailed me a book.

he said that HIS dad gave it to him a long time ago.

he didn't tell me what it's about, but i don't care. i'm an extremely sentimental person. (or a packrat, depending on how you look at it...)

i'm so curious! i wonder what it's about...

i'm sure it'll be great. because any book that my grandpa picked out is going to be a gem. it will either be incredibly inspiring and life-changing, or outrageous and hilarious*.

the sad part is that since my sisters are FAR more likely to wed than i am, the book-giving train ends here. he should have been more strategic. but i'm not going to tell him.

ooh! what if it's about end-times prophecy that i don't agree with at all? or maybe a 70's version of "how to win friends and influence people." whatever people were reading back then for inspiration.

i can't wait.

*for those of you who don't know me well or have forgotten, here are some facts about my grandparents on my dad's side:

1. they claim we are related to alexander hamilton, whose mug is on the ten dollar bill. they now refer to the ten dollar bill as a "grandpa hamilton."
2. my grandpa watched a sermon about this city called "petra." it's about end-times prophecy. he video-taped himself making comments about this sermon, and edited himself into the sermon. he included a drawing on a scrap piece of paper to support his theories.
3. when my grandpa proposed to my grandma, she said she'd only marry him if he bought her a washing machine.
4. they gave me this:


so, yeah. i'm pretty sure whatever i'm about to get in the mail is going to blow my mind.

it might not be funny at all, but i know i'm going to love it.

especially since my dad said "now, when you see the title, don't let it freak you out."