a lament.

i usually hate sunday nights after church. it's the last few hours of peace before the week begins.

sunday nights have seemed less brutal the past several months. i was feeling good about some things in my life, so going to a job that sucks the life out of me didn't bother me as much.

those things turned out to be not as good as i thought. so then the realization that my job is the essence of my life...well. that's kind of soul-crushing.

i'm kind of confused about the idea of "hope." do i continue to hope that good things will come, and be let down over and over again...or do i just say "expect nothing pleasant. deal with your life as it is. face the facts. this is how things are. this is how things are going to be."

neither of those are enjoyable to me. i don't enjoy hoping and then realizing "NOPE. not gonna happen." and i also don't enjoy being cynical.

this week has just been a reminder that expecting anything in this broken world to satisfy me is a foolish idea. the only One who consistently lives up to good expectations is Jesus.

but wait. that doesn't sound exactly right. is it true that there is nothing good in this world to enjoy? nothing to hope for? i don't understand hope. i don't understand its place in my life. i don't understand what to do with it.

i understand, and believe with all my heart, that God is good. it's the only fact that is ever proven true time and time again. it's what continually lifts my spirit on days like today, and helps me through days like tomorrow. it's not just something that sounds nice. it's something that is actually true. it's not just a comforting idea. it is the actual essence of my life. "the essence of my life." i don't know how to explain that phrase. i'm just hoping (?) you understand.

but what do i feel about everything else?

i have been lifted out of a meaningless and depraved existence, and have been brought near to Christ. tonight, that's the only thing that's not confusing.

and oh my gosh, i'm so tired of a blog being my only place to express myself. even if it's just a day when i want to say "something so funny happened!" it's annoying that i live by myself and have to tell it to a blog. and really, that's usually all i want to do. laugh about something. so i could be one of those people who dramatically shuts down my blog, but then i'd have nowhere to share the funny thoughts. and if i don't find something to laugh about every day, i feel...

like this.

and i'm not excited to go to work tomorrow, work really hard to make sure the individual needs of twelve children are met all day, and then be made to feel like a failure because there aren't 24 legos in the lego box, there are only 19.

i think that adds up to about a million looks at Christ i need to take.