eery.

i'm not a supporter of posting twice in one day.

unless..

i go to youtube, and this is what they recommend for me:

sorry you have to work extra hard and click a link. no embedding allowed. warning: this is bizarre and disturbing. and long, so start about 2 minutes in. musical nightmares might result.

i assume because of all the ben sollee videos i watch, youtube thought (you know, with its computer mind...) "she'll LOVE this."

youtube fail.

but THEN i decided to go watch some videos i've made, and found this old gem. it's from may of last year. see: not december. i turned the camera on just knowing that something strange would happen. i do love my family. ignore the ceramic clowns, totem pole head, and shag carpeting. there's no time to focus on that. it's my grandparents' house. full of many wonders.



time for bed, and wednesday.

i understand every word.

the summer program at my school is a bit different from the regular school year. there are less kids, and more "summery" lesson plans. we usually order curriculum and use it, but during the summer my boss prints random stuff off the internet for us to use.

it might take a minute for what i'm about to say to sink in. there is only a punch line. nothing else. so just give yourself a few extra seconds.

my boss wants us to plan some activities with an olympic theme, because the summer olympics are in beijing this year.

......

waiting for it...

wait. what's this? the greatest sports moment of all time (yes, i really do think so), in beijing? at the summer olympics? a year ago?



i don't think i'm smarter than my boss or anything, i'm not trying to say that.

i thought it was funny-ish, and also felt like reliving the summer of phelps.

50.58 was his time, 50.59 was the second place guy.

WOW.

that wasn't even his record-setting 8th gold medal. i think it's the greatest sports moment because of how close it was, and how far behind he was before the last few seconds.

WOW.

i do love the olympics. which are happening in just a couple weeks!

ok, i'm done.

a laugh and a look.

there's a korean kid in my class. his parents and grandparents speak no english in their house. which is fine. i think that's cool actually. bilingualness...very great. i support that.

but it makes communicating with him a challenge.

today on the playground he started chewing on things he should not be chewing on. mulch, to be specific. (ewwwww...) so i went over to him and told him to spit it out. no way was i fishing around for it. but he doesn't know what "spit it out" means.

so i had to demonstrate.

there's today's laugh. i LAUGHED!

and i woke up with this tune in my head:

My hope is built on nothing less
than Jesus' blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
but wholly lean on Jesus' name.

When Darkness veils his lovely face,
I rest on his unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
my anchor holds within the veil.

His oath, his covenant, his blood
supports me in the whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,
he then is all my hope and stay.

When he shall come with trumpet sound,
O may I then in him be found!
Dressed in his righteousness alone,
faultless to stand before the throne!

a lament.

i usually hate sunday nights after church. it's the last few hours of peace before the week begins.

sunday nights have seemed less brutal the past several months. i was feeling good about some things in my life, so going to a job that sucks the life out of me didn't bother me as much.

those things turned out to be not as good as i thought. so then the realization that my job is the essence of my life...well. that's kind of soul-crushing.

i'm kind of confused about the idea of "hope." do i continue to hope that good things will come, and be let down over and over again...or do i just say "expect nothing pleasant. deal with your life as it is. face the facts. this is how things are. this is how things are going to be."

neither of those are enjoyable to me. i don't enjoy hoping and then realizing "NOPE. not gonna happen." and i also don't enjoy being cynical.

this week has just been a reminder that expecting anything in this broken world to satisfy me is a foolish idea. the only One who consistently lives up to good expectations is Jesus.

but wait. that doesn't sound exactly right. is it true that there is nothing good in this world to enjoy? nothing to hope for? i don't understand hope. i don't understand its place in my life. i don't understand what to do with it.

i understand, and believe with all my heart, that God is good. it's the only fact that is ever proven true time and time again. it's what continually lifts my spirit on days like today, and helps me through days like tomorrow. it's not just something that sounds nice. it's something that is actually true. it's not just a comforting idea. it is the actual essence of my life. "the essence of my life." i don't know how to explain that phrase. i'm just hoping (?) you understand.

but what do i feel about everything else?

i have been lifted out of a meaningless and depraved existence, and have been brought near to Christ. tonight, that's the only thing that's not confusing.

and oh my gosh, i'm so tired of a blog being my only place to express myself. even if it's just a day when i want to say "something so funny happened!" it's annoying that i live by myself and have to tell it to a blog. and really, that's usually all i want to do. laugh about something. so i could be one of those people who dramatically shuts down my blog, but then i'd have nowhere to share the funny thoughts. and if i don't find something to laugh about every day, i feel...

like this.

and i'm not excited to go to work tomorrow, work really hard to make sure the individual needs of twelve children are met all day, and then be made to feel like a failure because there aren't 24 legos in the lego box, there are only 19.

i think that adds up to about a million looks at Christ i need to take.

we discovered dinosaurs.

there was something on my mind this week, and only one person who would understand.

the funniest person in the world.

i e-mailed him partly because i really needed some insight, and partly because i knew he'd make my mind explode with hilarious comments.

what i did not expect was a complete lift of my spirit. not because he's a jerk or something. i knew he'd be helpful with insight and humor. but he told me he consistently prays about the thing that was bothering me this week, and i had no idea he does that. we don't even talk that much anymore. what a blessing real friendship is!

i have a lot of wonderful friends, near and far. but ford gets the "friend of the week" award. which includes an entire blog post about him. and...that's actually it.

we've known each other since elementary school, in a way. i remember his mom threw us some killer class parties, with ice cream sundaes. i remember i won the class spelling bee in 4th grade, but victory was stolen from me by ford in 5th grade. i don't remember if he won, i just remember he correctly spelled the word that stumped me. ("i misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word 'failure.'" - dwight schrute).

we didn't spend a lot of time together in middle school and high school, even though he was always around. but when i moved to college we started talking a lot for some reason, and he's helped me through a number of life problems. like when i found a bug with a lot of legs in my dorm room, he encouraged me not to sleep in the hallway because of fear. while mercilessly mocking me.

when he and his girlfriend get married, they're going to name their first daughter after me. at least, i figure he'll eventually give in to my requests to do so.

anyway...

thankful for friends! they all walk through life with me in different ways, and carry my burdens.

that picture is us re-digging a hole that we used to dig every day in elementary school. every day. it would eventually get too deep and the teachers would fill it back in, but we'd just get right back to work the next day. i'm not sure what we were trying to accomplish.

when i was in college, i made an entire section of my website funny quotes from our long-distance conversations. i still have the link, but you can't handle it. we were young. immature. but here are a few that won't disturb anyone too much:

EmperorFord: you tried to kill your fish?
bruinmusicgirl: they were a nuisance
EmperorFord: but starvation?
bruinmusicgirl: better than the toilet.
EmperorFord: did you print Arbeit Macht Frei on the glass?
bruinmusicgirl: i dont get your educated jokes
EmperorFord: it's what they had written on the gates above Aushwitz
EmperorFord: it was a concentration camp joke
bruinmusicgirl: good one

EmperorFord: my goal is to make you just see the word "HATE" in big red letters every time you close your eyes

EmperorFord: hello
bruinmusicgirl: hey whats up
EmperorFord: reading about some supernova they just spotted and having an existential crisis

bruinmusicgirl: i would like to see the diary of anne frank as a movie
EmperorFord: they made it into a movie
EmperorFord: the end is so sad
bruinmusicgirl: dont tell me how it ends
EmperorFord: because it turns out that darth vader wasn't irredeemable, and he throws hitler into the reactor core, but then dies from his wounds

EmperorFord: you are so overbearing
bruinmusicgirl: i know.
EmperorFord: i was joking!!
bruinmusicgirl: i know.
EmperorFord: i know.

don't eat glue.

it's common knowledge by now that i'm a big fan of nyquil. i once wrote an ode to nyquil in haiku form, while under the influence. (of nyquil...)

i have a new favorite item in my first aid supply. it's not as good as nyquil, but it does make me feel tingly.

hydrogen peroxide!!!

that's what i'm cleaning my rusty nail cut with, and wow. it's so much fun. it bubbles. i pour it on, and then it just starts bubbling. so great.

i'm not going to start cutting myself just so i can use it or anything. i'm just saying that next time i get cut, i'll be a little less sad.

and it has also become very clear to me that i would be a drug addict if i had no Jesus. i'm not making a joke. i think i would be.

too bad tetanus shots don't have a silver lining.

i do feel strangely confident though. like i could just lay in a bed of rusty nails and walk away unscathed.

i lack cotton balls.

so, are you ready for the most vague, confusing, and cryptic thing i've ever said on my blog?

last night i stayed up late and blogged, against my better judgment. me and my best friend/roommate had a saying in college. "if it's after 10pm, we're either asleep or crazy." it still holds true.

i had a fun time last night, and wanted to blog about it. i mean, what's a blog for, right? so i type out some fond memories and sum it up with a deep thought. and i went to bed.

i woke up this morning, and realized...oh no. i think i just did something incredibly weird. and kind of creepy. i'm not going to say what it was. i deleted that post. but if you saw it, and know why it was weird and creepy...wow. it was so unintentional. seriously. unintentional.

and if you didn't see it, and don't know why it was weird...well. moving on.

TODAY.

what a day.

i started out mildly concerned about the bizarre thing i accidentally, ACCIDENTALLY, did last night. not worried or freaking out, just...mildly concerned.

it soon became the least of my problems.

a brief recap:

flat tire in the middle of the day.

frantic call to kyla who saved the day by sending someone i barely even know to help me change it.

the spare tire has been in my trunk for so long, that the knob to release it was rusted shut, and he was unable to get it out. i wasted an hour of his life. i was hoping he could show me how to change a tire, so i could be less lame. but now i just feel bad that his time was wasted. wasted.

while trying to get to the spare tire, i cut myself on a rusty nail. i cut myself on a rusty nail.

but the school maintenance man came in this afternoon, and took a look. he was able to loosen it some with his tools, but discovered it was flat.

then he whipped out a maintenance man magical potion, and patched it, and filled it with air. how? i don't know.

when i got off, i drove a short distance to firestone. they were able to hook me up with a new tire in an hour.

and then i went and got a tetanus shot.

what. a. bad. day.

while driving to get my tetanus shot, i reflected on the day's events and felt like God was deserving of some praises. i've never been terribly successful at the "look at Christ ten times for every look at myself" thing, but today i was overwhelmed by His goodness. i began to list what went right today, and quickly realized the list was a lot longer than i expected. it's not good to cry while you're driving. i almost did though.

and for some reason, whenever i have a car problem, it makes me feel very alone. it's kind of hard to deal with by yourself sometimes. and that's basically what i have to do. but kyla and the guy i barely know made me feel not alone. they both go to my church, and i was once again very grateful for the community i'm part of. i'll save my thoughts on "social poverty/relational poverty" for another day because this is getting long. and my arm hurts. (translation: waaaaaaahhhhh.)

i think that's it.

an actually brief recap:

sorry about the, uhhh....

one flat tire, and one flat spare tire.

rusty nail.

God is the best part of my life. don't know what i'd do without Him.

note to self:

i am not allowed to stay up late.

well, i can. i just can't do anything that requires my mind.

i just had the weirdest brain fart.

and in fact, i probably shouldn't be blogging at 6:30 in the morning.

last night i went to movies in the park for the first time, and it was so delightful i felt like blogging about it. a movie under the stars, with blankets and lightning bugs...it was great.

but unlike last night, i'm going to leave it at that.

sorry this is so cryptic.

there may come a day when the courage of men fails, but it is not this day.

sooo...

the other day i had 101 hits on my blog.

which is outrageous considering there are only five people who actually read it.

i checked to see what keywords led them to me.

there was a significant number of people searching for "pet jellyfish."

wow. sorry guys.

and, disturbingly..

"how to make hate out of construction paper."

pretty sure i have nothing to offer on that topic.

BUT now i'm in a competition with myself (the best kind of competition!) to top 101.

so every now and then i'm just going to throw famous quotes or useful tips into my post title. i think i went a little over the top today, but you know what someone says..."go big or go home."

and just for good measure:

look both ways before crossing the street.

bible drill fail.

background information: i've had my Bible since 7th grade, a very long time ago. it's not exactly in one piece anymore. it is, however, covered with stickers of my favorite bands from 12 years ago.

a longish time ago, i lost part of my Bible. 1 peter.

i didn't know how it happened. i ran around my apartment in a frenzy trying to find it. i eventually gave up. you know, like any good christian would?

i FOUND IT tonight!

i also found a huge mess.

i was at Bible study, and the teacher told us to turn to ephesians. and i'm sure you all know that any call to turn to a certain Scripture is a challenge to see who can find it first. or maybe i missed the point of Bible drills when i was in 3rd grade.

'cause i was too busy winning them!

i thought "i've got this. gentiles eat pork chops. galatians, ephesians, philippians, colossians." i landed in colossians, and knew i just had to turn back a few pages to get to ephesians.

i turned back a few pages, and back a few more pages...

and found...

james?

yeah.

james does not come before colossians.

and you know what else doesn't come before colossians?

1 peter.

and hebrews.

i don't know...what happened...

it's the craziest thing. obviously my new testament has been neglected for too long, or i would have caught this before. i had to stop myself from yelling "1 PETER!!!" in the middle of Bible study. not that it would have been unwelcome. just perplexing.

but i'm so glad that my whole Bible is back! especially since i lost a verse that meant a lot to me when i was younger. and, ok, maybe it's still kind of awesome.

a glimpse into my teenage soul:

1 Peter 3:3-4

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."

double feature.

i just posted a really long post that's serious.

but i have a random anecdote to share that didn't fit in with my serious sentiments.

one of my fears was realized this afternoon. at ugly mugs. a coffee place.

i don't like coffee. so i usually order hot chocolate. i don't know anything about different kinds of coffee. or "blends", if you will. i don't know what a latte is. all i know about espresso is that i don't want any. coffee is so gross. it offends my taste buds.

it's summer now. hot chocolate in the summer is like ice cream in the winter. just...why? why would you want that?

so i decided to start ordering from the cold side of their menu. for a couple weeks i've ordered an "iced mochaccino", whatever the heck that is. i can get through about half of it without wanting to vomit all over myself.

today i went for the "cremosa" because that didn't sound like coffee to me.

i was all like "i'll take the, uh, iced cremosa. yep. thanks. that's what i want. iced cremosa. bam." i tried my best to sound like i knew what i was ordering.

and then, the worst thing that can happen to an ignorant coffee hater...happened.

"what flavor do you want in it?"

what???

there should have been a footnote on the menu. i don't know anything about flavors in a coffee shop. take me to baskin robbins, and i can pick a flavor.

he pointed to the list of flavors, and i quickly chose raspberry. i guess that was wrong because the girl said "do you want a shot of vanilla to break up the _____"

i didn't understand the last part.

"oh yeah. definately. thanks."

i'm such a poser.

(this makes me sound like i'm set in my ways and don't like variety in my life, which is far from the truth. just the other day i tried indian food for the first time. i'm cooking with a new recipe once a week. i am painting my table "mexican green" just to spice things up. i'm so wild and crazy, you have no idea.)

i keep wanting to go to the smoothie place next door because i looooooooove smoothies. but anna karenina doesn't fit in there. she's russian.

be serious.

tonight was my last night teaching sunday school at church.

i've been doing it for two years at this church.

a million years total.

i used to genuinely enjoy it. i looked forward to it. they're sweet and hilarious. and i love their innocent questions about Bible stories, and i love seeing them come to understand what they're learning about.

but for a while now, i haven't been doing a great job. since i'm around kids all week, teaching sunday school feels like going to work.

which is not a great feeling. i don't really like my job.

and i dislike it even more now that it's sucked the joy out of something i used to love.

i make jokes about my job, but that's just my way of coping. i have to find something to laugh about or i'll go nuts. i did, briefly, go nuts. i was on the verge of a mental breakdown. i googled the signs. all that was missing was hearing voices and imaginary friends. ANYWAY. that's over. i can laugh again. and i'm grateful to have a job. i know God has me where He wants me right now.

BUT.

tonight, my last night teaching, i got to tell them about Jesus. and not just a story about loaves of bread or miracles. i got to tell them that Jesus has invited them to be a part of His family. i got to tell them a few of the many reasons why i love Him.

i sounded like a bumbling idiot.

teaching is not my gift.

and i'm so glad that Jesus draws sinners to Himself, and there's no possible way for me to mess that up.

a priceless moment:

the lesson tonight was about the parable where a man invites a bunch of people to a party, and they make up a bunch of excuses not to go. so then he invites the poor and crippled people.

we were supposed to pass out these invitations that said "you're invited to the best party ever!" to help them understand the story a bit more.

one kid got his, and started saying "no way! this is such a lie. there's no way we're invited to the best party ever. i don't believe it."

and on one level he was right. we weren't actually inviting him to a party.

but it was a sweet reminder that in Christ, we are actually invited to a "party" we don't deserve. one that is actually too good to be true. so many people say "no way! heaven does not exist. there's no way Christ is real. i don't believe it."

but it does, He is, and i do.

from the mouths of children and infants He has ordained praise...that's a verse that has always made me want to work with kids at church. what a privilege to share Christ with them, and remember what it was like to learn about Him for the first time. they remind me of that time in my relationship with Jesus.

this is kind of harder than i thought it would be. i thought i would feel relief. and i do. but also a bit of sadness.

anyway. now i'm joining a new team at church. the church retreat in april was about spiritual gifts, and i'm joining a team where mine will be put to better work. and ok, so every test i took that weekend said i'm a teacher. and maybe it came up as my number one gift on every test. but they're all wrong. just ask the children what the lesson was about tonight. they don't know! i'm a terrible communicator. so i'm going in a different direction. and i'm excited about it.

it's kind of a big deal.

my life changed in 3 ways today. nothing drastic. just some minor improvements.

1. i discovered that hulu has arrested development. all three seasons. i don't think i need to expound.

2. i tweaked my grocery budget. i went to the store, and did not overspend. and i found blueberries on sale. everybody loves a blueberry. but i feel good about this change, and feel confident that i can stay within budget every week. i had it way too low before. so every week, i'd spend more than i "should" and feel like a loser. since i could never spend what i "should", i'd spend a different amount every week. stupid. i made it higher, but also made a plan for it to work. i'm basically a genius.

3. i got new hand soap. last time, i took a risk and got soap with a "lemongrass and basil" scent. it sounded interesting. but it made my hands smell like feet. which is never desirable. it ran out last night. so today i got "raspberry and vanilla." SUCCESS.

i am consumed with love for this child.

go look at pictures of my niece on my sister's blog. just do it. i'm so jealous that a couple of my sisters got to spend an entire week with her. i'm the mysterious aunt who lives in another state. i will just have to buy her affection.

beautiful eyes, adorable smile, perfect in every way that i can see.

an excellent question.

music teacher: what are y'all cooking for snack?
me: pudding. yum.
music teacher: what's the rigatoni pasta for?

italics emphasize.

i don't think that anyone who knows me well would describe me as a cheery person.

but i do find ridiculous amounts of delight in small things. i'm easily pleased, but not in the c.s. lewis "mud pie analogy" kind of way. (anyone?)

tonight i was supposed to go to movies in the park. i did go. but there were some torando sirens and it was cancelled.

however.

before it started, i went a bit early...

i sat on a step of the parthenon.

watched it rain a little bit.

read a chapter of anna karenina.

while someone played a violin around the corner.

and i saw a rainbow when i left the park.

uhhh..

kind of a great five minutes.

oh yeah. it only lasted five minutes. i was so torn between watching the rain, reading my book, and listening to the violin.

it was the best kind of inner turmoil.

i don't want to sound like a 75 year old, but...

can we have analog tv again? please?

this fancy "digital transmission" so far equals a picture without sound on one of my [basic cable] channels. for two days now.

i am not a fan of this new-fangled technology.

while we're on the subject of me not dealing well with change...

i am also not sure why anyone would need to watch a movie on their phone, or use it as a compass.

and i understand the idea behind kindles, but i like to turn pages. and smell them. and dog-ear the corners of pages with awesome quotes. and underline the super awesome quotes. or highlight. sometimes it's hard to choose between underlining and highlighting.

i didn't start downloading music on itunes until 2004ish, a little behind the rest of you. and i still back every song up on a floppy disk.

just kidding!

i back every song up on a CD.

i still don't own an ipod. not even the nano. or the shuffle. and to be perfectly honest, i don't even know what i'm saying right now.

but seriously. why is abc unable to project sound? i wouldn't mind if ion was gone. or c-span. but it's abc. i watch the news on abc every morning. they make funny jokes. they're actually funny. not jon stewart or stephen colbert funny, but definately a step above barbara walters funny.

i heart stephen colbert. that's the first time in my life i've ever used the phrase "i heart..."

but i do.

teacher's pet.

i know i'm not supposed to have a favorite kid in my class. and i don't.

my favorite is actually in someone else's class. she used to be in mine.

the only person in the whole world that is cuter and infinitely more amazing than her, is my niece.*

today when i left, i walked by the older kids' playground. i had the following conversation with my favorite. it's not that interesting, except for the fact that we couldn't see each other. i was at my car, and there were trees in our line of sight. i would have walked back to the fence, BUT...i would have been there for the rest of the day talking about the butterflies on her shirt, or the ribbons in her hair, or about how she likes to eat chicken wings with her dad. so we conversed through the trees.

susie: bye miss allison!
me: bye miss susie!
susie: where you going?
me: i'm going home**
susie: are you coming back?
me: i'll be back tomorrow!
susie: ok bye!
me: bye!!
susie: *yells something else as i close my car door*

*here's just a few (old) snapshots of the best person ever. she is as perfect as any sinner can be.







**i am kind of insane. this is a random story, but i have to clarify. for my own insanity's sake. when i was younger, my dad started going on business trips. so i'd pray for his safety. i'd say "God, please bring my dad home safely." and then suddently it hit me. "i just asked God to kill my dad. because God knows that heaven is our real home." ever since then, i've never referred to any place as "home." but today i had to say "home", because "i'm going to my apartment!" isn't as quick and easy to understand. but there are people reading this blog who know i'm insane, and i had to clarify, so they don't say anything like "WHOA, you said HOME..." i know, i know. i'm insane. plus after all these years of not using the word "home"...it feels so wrong. like when you're 10 and try out a cuss word for the first time.

sometimes, i just miss my friends.

children are destructive.

i spent an hour of my day at the libary today. in the children's section.

it was fun.

the kids in my class love books. they love listening to stories. and they love ripping the pages out. the rate at which they destroy books is mind-boggling. so i've started checking out books from the library that go with our curriculum. they can do what they wish with the books at our school, but at least now we have something new and fresh to read every couple of weeks.

since i've started doing this, i've realized i love children's books. and i actually know who the good authors are.

today i had one of those rare "this is your life" moments.

a few years ago i was a senior at belmont. i was a music business major. i studied copyright law. and publishing. and record company operations. i took a marketing class, and we developed a complete marketing plan for reba mcentire's cd that hadn't been released yet, and pitched our ideas to her record label. i took a concert promotions class and each group was responsible for finding a band, booking a show, and promoting it for them.

i loved my education. loved it. it was so interesting and fun.

now i work at a preschool/daycare, and i have a favorite children's book author. i enjoy decorating my classroom, even though i spend a lot of nights cutting bizarre things out of construction paper. there are a lot (A LOT) of things i hate about my job, but i'm glad that at least part of my personality is being challenged and developed there.

a hymn came to mind, because it says there is "joy to find in every station." it's so true. i don't like my job. i want a new one. but that's where i am right now, and Christ brings me joy there.

this is a strange journey i'm on.

the hymn:

Jesus, I My Cross Have Taken

1. Jesus, I my cross have taken,
All to leave and follow Thee;
Destitute, despised, forsaken,
Thou from hence my All shalt be.
Perish every fond ambition,
All I've sought or hoped or known;
Yet how rich is my condition!
God and heaven are still my own.

2. Let the world despise and leave me,
They have left my Savior, too.
Human hearts and looks deceive me;
Thou art not, like them, untrue.
And while Thou shalt smile upon me,
God of wisdom, love, and might,
Foes may hate and friends may shun me;
Show Thy face, and all is bright.

3. Go, then, earthly fame and treasure!
Come, disaster, scorn, and pain!
In Thy service, pain is pleasure;
With Thy favor, loss is gain.
I have called Thee Abba, Father!
I have stayed my heart on Thee.
Storms may howl, and clouds may gather,
All must work for good to me.

4. Man may trouble and distress me,
'Twill but drive me to Thy breast;
Life with trials hard may press me,
Heaven will bring me sweeter rest.
Oh, 'tis not in grief to harm me
While Thy love is left to me;
Oh, 'twere not in joy to charm me
Were that joy unmixed with Thee.

5. Take, my soul, thy full salvation;
Rise o'er sin and fear and care;
Joy to find in every station,
Something still to do or bear.
Think what Spirit dwells within thee,
What a Father's smile is thine,
What a Savior died to win thee;
Child of heaven, shouldst thou repine?

6. Haste, then, on from grace to glory,
Armed by faith and winged by prayer;
Heaven's eternal day's before thee,
God's own hand shall guide thee there.
Soon shall close the earthly mission,
Swift shall pass thy pilgrim days,
Hope soon change to glad fruition,
Faith to sight, and prayer to praise.

not enough paragraphs.

bonnaroo.

why have i never been?

it's so close.

what is the matter with me? why have i been living as if music doesn't matter to me?

i just started looking at calendars for some nashville venues, to see if anyone neato is playing soon. i'm starved for entertainment. live music is my favorite music.

i don't want to be a person who works hard and is "too tired" to do what i love. i love live music.

i also looked at ben sollee's tour list. obviously. and it said he's playing bonnaroo. of course he's playing bonnaroo.

so i went to look at bonnaroo's lineup, just out of curiosity.

oh my gosh.

my soul hurts a little bit right now.

rodrigo y gabriela are there.

ben sollee is there.

snoop dogg is there...

?

so many good acts. and i'm not there. and it's so close.

and if i was the kind of person who made lists of things i want to do in my lifetime, a music festival would so be top 5.

why am i not there?!

what is the matter with me.

i'm going to go listen to my CDs now.

that's right. i listen to compact discs. and i'm not at bonnaroo.

listening to a CD instead of going to a show...

is like swimming in a baby pool instead of the ocean.

i just said that.

if it sounds incredibly brilliant, i have to admit i didn't form that analogy on my own. i have a reading list, and the person who has recommended over half of the books on it told me that reading "the brothers karamazov" is like swimming in the ocean after wading in pools your whole life.

can't wait to read that book.

serious face.

what a horrible, horrible day.

it's so hard not to feel defeated on a day like today. defeated by my job. defeated by sin. uuuuuugggghhhhhhh. such a bad day.

i just got back from work, checked my e-mail, and found this:

"On May 20, 2009, Compassion welcomed Fellow Blewussi Kpodo in Togo as our 1 millionth sponsored child. This is the first time in Compassion's 57-year history that we are ministering to 1 million sponsored children at one time.
You are part of an amazing movement of grace and compassion! Families and communities are seeing Christ's love in action all over the world. The impact has been incredible as lives are being transformed.
Let's keep it going! We're not stopping here ... even for a moment. Let's quickly reach out to the next million children who are still in great danger, who are hurting, who are lost."

if i was the crying type, that probably would have made me cry. what a glorious end to an incredibly broken day.

better than sudoku.

i have been neglecting my word-a-day calendar.

what a shame.

so today i did some catching up.

the well-crafted sentences that are intended to help you deduce the meaning of the words were a real...hoot...today.

i seriously can't think of a better word than "hoot."

word-a-day calendar fail.

Bruce is a skillful conversationalist whose deft use of repartee and quick-witted banter make him a sought-after guest at dinner parties.

The senator's folksy demeanor and seemingly artless candor belie the man's shrewd and calculating political sensibilities.

i know. out of all the words in that sentence, they selected "artless" to be the featured word.

Michael has had a yen for his grandmother's cooking ever since he moved away from home.

"If you elect me," said Jack, "I give you my word that I will not truckle to special-interest groups."

As usual, Jimmy forgot to put the butter back in the refrigerator, leaving it to deliquesce on the kitchen counter.

and just because i feel like it:

a dreamy nightmare.

two anecdotes today.

1) a little girl in my class got a new watch. the face is a toilet. it plays songs when she...

potty training is a strange business.

2) last night i had a college dream. i love college dreams because i loved college. i dreamed that i enrolled in another semester of school behind my parent's backs. back? and i woke up (in the dream) and realized it was a test day, and i hadn't studied a bit! then i went to the wrong building, and couldn't find my classroom. and i also realized that for the entire semester, i had accidentally been skipping one of my classes. i just forgot to go, every day. so i decided to drop out, because i was failing anyway. and because i didn't want any more student loans. it seemed irresponsible, from a fiscal standpoint. (i'm not usually that pragmatic in my dreams. i'm a bit more of a risk taker. you know...walking through walls, flying to the moon, that sort of thing...)

and then i woke up for real.

and even though it was a nightmare...

it made me wish i was back in college. not because i'm hanging onto the past, at least...not entirely.

i like to learn.

i like pens and pencils.

i like notebooks that match my folders.

YES. i was that girl. in elementary school, and in college.

i like taking tests. i like studying.

but.

'twas only a dreamy nightmare.

i have to make china out of construction paper.

this:



is my pathetic interpretation of this:



i should add that i didn't draw the chinese symbols. the children did. i don't know why i'm trying to save face at this point, but there's that.

does anyone know how to make a slightly-less-menacing-than-normal-chinese dragon?

seriously.

how cold medicine makes me feel:

things are looking up.

i had an unspeakably frustrating week.

*insert complaining and whining here*

i've had a fever on and off for three days.

no, that's not complaining.

because i kind of like having fevers. it validates my misery. it's so easy to have a sore throat and brush it off, because "it's not like i'm vomiting."

but a fever? that changes everything.

so now i'm going to spend the weekend on cold medicine (YUM) and fever reducers, and watch one of my favorite movies.

(i just complained without actually complaining. how smooth was that?)

i don't pick my nose.

they lap puddles up off the ground.

they lick the doors and tables.

they put toys in their mouth.

they eat off the floor.

they take poop out of their diapers. i'm sorry. maybe i went to far with that one.

but...

why do i get sick and they don't?

a story without an ending.

got myself a fever today.

left work early.

went to the pharmacy...

had a weird experience.

every time i get this cold-ish thing, i buy actifed or nyquil. nyquil is for the weekend when i have a million hours to spare for sleep. actifed...has actual healing properties. so i always buy that, and then my dad (a pharmacist) always tells me "the actifed sold on the shelf is new, and different. it's not as good as what you used to take. go to the pharmacy counter, and ask them for the older version."

i usually forget to do that, but today i remembered. so i went to the counter and....

sounded like a crazy person.

"my dad said there's an older version of actifed, or something, behind the counter with y'all. is that...real? do you know what i mean?"

they mumbled and scanned the products. they came up with something, and asked if that's what i wanted, but wouldn't let me hold the box. it's special. they have to get your drivers license and other information before they'll let you touch it. but i didn't want to buy the wrong thing, so i said "let me just call my dad first and make sure that's the right thing, i want to make sure it's right so i can actually feel better."

and based on the looks on their faces, i think what they heard was:

"i uh, need to make a...call. i'll uh, go ask my...dad...yeah, my dad. so he can tell me if this will make me feel, uh...'better'...if you know what i mean..."

so i called my dad, and asked him for some powerful pharmacist lingo so they would know i'm not trying to make recreational drugs or get high.

me: does it have any tri-clo-vo-dine?
pharmacists: any what?
me: tri-clo-vo-dine. or something. something like that.
pharmacists: do you mean tripolidine?
me: mmm hmm.
pharmacists: yeah, it says so right here on the box.
me: great. i'll take it.

so that was weird. the end.

then i went to get some mousse for my wild locks, and an old lady asked my opinion on pantene's hair products. i gave them a raving review. and i thought to myself "i doubt guys have conversations like this in the grocery store."

i can't picture it, anyway. two guys standing by the old spice (or whatever?), and one of them asks "as a brand, do you trust their products? does it leave you feeling fresh and clean? what do you recommend?" there's no way that happens. no way.

and when i got back to my apartment, i took a nap without fear that it would prevent me from going to sleep tonight.

because i'm taking "genac" tonight. that's the older version of actifed. it's like nyquil, only it heals you. and it won't keep me asleep for 10 hours. i know what you're thinking. "then why don't you just take that all the time? especially since a box of 24 tablets is only two dollars?"

because i want to sleep for 10 hours. i do not sleep well. i toss and turn, i wake up half an hour before my alarm clock (and a few times before that...) almost every night. with nyquil, i catch up. i get to rest. it's delicious. i wake up sick, but i wake up rested. i'd rather have a cold than a poor night's sleep.

"i'm a night owl, and an early bird. so i am wise, and i have worms."

i love sleeping. especially during a storm. or when i've stayed up really late, and can barely keep my eyes open because i'm so tired.

oooh, or the best...

after i've taken nyquil. the label is true. it is habit forming. i would gladly form an addiction if i had no Jesus.

but mostly i hate sleeping.

as soon as i go to bed, it is tomorrow.

am i the only one who feels that way?

i also hate 6am. i hate it so much that one time i set my alarm for 6am on a saturday, just so i could wake up, turn my alarm off, and fall back asleep. i felt like i won. i beat 6am that day.

but tomorrow it owns me.

story of my LIFE.

it comes out on dvd tomorrow.

i want it so bad.