gone are the days of innocence.

my job sucks.

i realize most people hate their jobs.

mine is actually changing me. i leave work so tense, it takes me about an hour to wind down and feel normal. and then i look back on my day and think...who was that? that wasn't me. if i described my attitude to you...you'd be shocked. i'm not disrespectful to my boss or anything. not outloud anyway. that's the thing...it's a combination of internal and external changes. internally, i feel so much anger and that turns into tension. and discouragement. like there's no way this is going to get better, and that leads to anger and tension. and externally, i'm not patient with the kids anymore. zero patience. i have to deal with so much nonsense from my boss, that i have nothing nice left for the children.

think of the children!

anyway...

my dad called me today. he always understands. we have our differences, oh boy, do we have our differences. but he has decades of work experience behind him, and he always understands. so we talked about that. the sad part is that he said one job he had changed him too.

and that pisses me off.

i want to still be a nice person. i want people to still tell me i'm sweet, or that they think i'm funny. but if this job continues to destroy me, my entire personality will look completely different a year from now. i don't want to be different. i don't want to be a bitter old woman. with a lot of cats that i abuse. maybe that's part of the problem...i am thinking too much of myself. every person always has room for improvement in that category.

but why should my personality (i originally phrased that as "my very essence" but decided to leave the drama queen at home today) be altered because no one will hire me for a better job because i don't have a nobel prize and i've never cured cancer, so i must not be qualified to fix your coffee and make you copies.

i enjoy finding creative ways to express that sentiment. (maybe it's still a little dramatic...but funny, right? look at me second guessing myself! that is so unlike me...see what i'm saying!)

here is something light and fluffy, depending on your sense of humor. you might think it's disturbing and morbid.

for some reason i remembered that when my sister was little, she pulled all these pots and pans out of the cabinet and sat in one of them. super cute pictures resulted. i decided if i ever have kids, i'll take it a step or two further. like maybe i'll set the pot on top of the stove and pretend to stir it, like i'm cooking my baby! or maybe set him on a silver platter on the table with an apple in his mouth, surrounded by various garnishes and candlesticks.

what a christmas card that would make!