i started packing today.
i already knew i'd be bagging up several items to donate. old clothes that are still in good condition, a box full of picture frames i never use anymore. i expected to find those things stuffed in my closet, taking up unnecessary space.
i have found some things i forgot about.
like my braces. from when i was 12.
i've found a lot of stuff that needs to be thrown out, and i know that, but it's still hard. there's absolutely no reason for me to keep binders full of notes from college. i have no idea why perusing them makes me emotional.
i laughed when i found my sociology papers. thats right, i kept the papers too. STEPNICK. i turned my professor's name into an epithet. i hated that class. which is funny, because i love sociology now. but it also funny to read the notes because i forgot how bold i was in that class. i guess the first assignment was a list of questions that we had to answer. and one of them was about WebCT, belmont's innovative intranet discussion boards. at least they felt it was innovative. i felt it was a joke, and a waste of time. and most of that first paper was about that. i was basically like "if you feel that forcing us to answer questions on a discussion board will produce honest thoughts and natural dialogue, i disagree, but i'll do it because you tell us to." phrased in lots of creative ways. STEPNICK.
anyway.
i guess for one class we had to write down our long-term goals. and i remembered, as i read them again, that i didn't desire a single one of them. i was just writing down what i felt like i should aim for. so weird. the last goal was actually "live in Texas until i die." heh. i think my family thinks that's still my goal...i haven't quite had the heart to tell them...no...
on a different sheet of paper, i found some short-term goals.
1) graduate in august with honors, magna cum laude.
i settled for cum laude, but still feel proud.
2) find a real job
i have adjusted my definition of "real." so...done.
3) go to brazil to visit my sponsored child.
still a goal, but more long-term now.
4) write a song.
have absolutely no desire to do such a thing anymore. although i did find a journal of when i used to attempt it, way back in 2003. gross.
5) pay off student loans.
laughable!
i can't put my finger on why i have held onto these things, and why i want to still. they're in a pile of trash right now, where they should be. i kept my first planner, and my first notebook full of notes, and a few things like that. but not much else. and i want to cry! i'm not going to. it's just...there.
who knew i had such silly idols sitting in my closet? notes and tests. matching folders and notebooks. maybe it's because they're tangible, unlike my memories. and putting my hands on them takes me back. i don't just have to remember, i can see.
i found a journal from high school, too. oh boy, was i a mess. i was also incredibly full of hope. part of me wants to give my old self a realistic slap in the face, but the other part of me says...maybe you were better off that way. slightly insane, though.
i don't know what assignment this is for, it was just a stray piece of notebook paper from my Christian Doctrine class. dated 3/30/06. almost four years ago. right before i graduated.
There is no lasting peace outside of Christianity. Peace is really important to me. How am I going to find a job in the music industry if no one is ever hiring? How will I pay off my debt without a "real" job? What do people think of me? Why do boys like other girls better than me? Where am I going to live when I graduate? What will I do when my very old car dies since I have no money? Where should I look for a job - what state?*
Peace.
Whom have I in Heaven but You?
And earth has nothing I desire besides You.
My flesh and my heart may fail
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
...
But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge,
I will tell of all Your deeds.
- Psalm 73: 25-26, 28
ahhh, change. your winds are blowing again.
*music industry, shmusic industry.
my debt owns me, i've accepted it.
my narcissism handles this one some days, but people do like me.
just not like that.
HERE.
provided for.
right here.
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3 comments:
Poster above me...(andre of OR) I'll bet you didn't pay a dime for school out of your own pocket and I completely disagree with your statement that education isn't a right. It is a right. Perhaps I should move to a different country for schooling. There are many Euro-Universities that offer free college and some even pay the students to attend. Stop reading books about what you think this government is about and wake up to reality.
It's always interesting to look back and think about who we were in the early years of college or even high school. Change comes so rapidly. What was important to you then? And now...and that change will continue to come.
I can't quite figure you out, though. What strikes me is that even though you're moving on, you still post quite angrily about your Soc prof. and how you "felt was a joke and a waste of time."
But, it sounds like based on some of the other stuff like the goals thing, that this teacher wanted you to be thinking about who you were and what was important to you. And that by setting up online discussion and having you write, was really trying to give you a place to explore that. How funny to see you (and so many others) blogging (or using facebook)...essentially doing the same kind of thing! I mean, any professor who is having students write probably has their best interest in mind. Otherwise, why not just give a few easy tests and be done with it. Lot less hassle, lots of time saved. I wonder how much you missed because you got pissed off in the first week.
not gonna lie, i like it when people can't figure me out.
who are you?
it's stepnick, isn't it. you did a google search for your name. and wound up here. you would.
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