hey, look at that...rain.

it's not that i don't like women.

but i don't usually hang out in large groups of them, because i will inevitably learn things about the birthing process that i don't want to know. if there are men around, they don't tell certain parts of the stories.

i went on a women's retreat this past weekend and learned some things i just...don't want to know. i want to give that knowledge back.

and i think that even if i do have a child one day, i'm just going to have to tell the doctor to keep those things to himself too. i don't need a play by play of what's going on. just do what you have to do, give me the baby, and let's leave it at that.

and you're welcome. for what, you ask? for not sharing that information here.

on a completely unrelated note:

i had the strangest flashback. one time we visited my grandparents in oklahoma, and took my grandmother's advice on the latest shampoo trend. apparently, someone told her that the best thing you could do for your hair was to wash it with...

horse shampoo.

y'all.

horse shampoo.

it was called "mane and tail." mane and tail! WHAT?

we did that. it happened.

dunder-mifflin.

so...

this is what i see when i go to work.

the weather panda with crazy eyes:




i don't actually know what this is.



but this is what it does:



can you tell what this is?



it's as weird as i say it is.

i also like corn.

reasons this day was a success:

1) i ate a mango. i don't do that very often because they are expensive. i like a good mango. i had my first one in hawaii, fresh off a mango tree. it changed the way i feel about all fruit. like a drug addict, i continue to return to mangos hoping they will be as good as the first. they never are, but they still leave me satisfied and wanting more. such is the nature of addiction.

2) i found a pad of post-its i thought i had lost forever. score.

3) i read around 100 pages of harry potter. which means i had a lot of spare time. that should be two separate points. shrug.

4) i realized i never got my electric bill, gasp, so i paid it. i just hope it credits to my account by thursday. thanks for the massive fail, NES. or USPS. thanks God, for the nudge.

weird, annoying, and true.

i have the strangest problem.

almost every week at church i have to bow out of singing at some point because i start coughing uncontrollably.

i get a tickle in my throat, and even breathing too fast makes me start coughing.

it's weird.

i sing, like, every day of my life* and have no problems. but i get to church, and all of a sudden in the middle of a song...coughing fit.

it's weird. i don't understand why.

i would like it to stop now.

*my sisters have never found this as charming as they should. mostly, they tell me to be quiet. they'd probably prefer the coughing. my roommates never complained. they were grateful. but, you know, it was belmont. most people had some form of musical turrets. sometimes at night, i can still hear the incessant drumming.

the stars at night

the key to successful indoctrination is to start young.

the last 3 days at work have been tiring because of the rain. no sun = no playground. they have literally been pulling each other's hair out.

today's lesson plan was to have a nature walk, and collect leaves and sticks and things for a collage. we couldn't do that because of the rain.

plan B?

i chose to teach them about texas instead.

i have a coffee table book with pictures of texas. it is filled with beautiful images of the great state. i marked several pages with pictures of flowers and trees, so we could still learn about nature.

it went a little something like this:

"what do you see in this picture?...that's right, flowers. a very special kind of flower. it's called a bluebonnet. everyone say 'bluebonnet.' this is the most beautiful kind of flower you will ever see. it's really quite breathtaking. this kind of flower grows in texas. everyone say 'texas.'"

"...that was a really tall tree! oh, what's this? silly me, why did i mark this page? well, while we're here, you should know that this is the capitol building of texas. it's actually taller than the nation's capitol building."

i'd like to pretend that this is the first time i've done that.

when i was a summer missionary in hawaii (yes, hawaii, i was originally assigned to guam...God works, things change...), i spent one week leading vacation bible school. it was my favorite week that summer. the kids in my class were so sweet. they'd ask me amazing questions like "where is Heaven?" and i'd remember how big and awesome God is.

i don't remember how, i just remember one day we veered off topic. they must have asked me where i am from. i remember talking about mexican food, and impressing upon them the importance of visiting texas when they get older.



and hey, while you're reading my blog:

Texas, Our Texas! all hail the mighty State!
Texas, Our Texas! so wonderful so great!
Boldest and grandest, withstanding ev'ry test
O Empire wide and glorious, you stand supremely blest.
(chorus)

Texas, O Texas! your freeborn single star,
Sends out its radiance to nations near and far,
Emblem of Freedom! it set our hearts aglow,
With thoughts of San Jacinto and glorious Alamo.
(chorus)

Texas, dear Texas! from tyrant grip now free,
Shines forth in splendor, your star of destiny!
Mother of heroes, we come your children true,
Proclaiming our allegiance, our faith, our love for you.

Chorus

God bless you Texas! And keep you brave and strong,
That you may grow in power and worth, throughout the ages long.
God bless you Texas! And keep you brave and strong,
That you may grow in power and worth, throughout the ages long.

do the twist

i had my itunes playlist shuffle on while i cleaned tonight. some "old" songs came on. it's always interesting to hear music that i used to listen to. to realize how my tastes have changed, but also remember exactly why i liked the music i liked before. it's a weird feeling. but a good one.







i vividly remember how this city was - slightly - obsessed with dave barnes when i was in college. and more specifically, with this song.

i'm going to have to listen to more of his music later. so many memories are wrapped up in it, for me. music is like that for me. i connect it to certain times of my life, and just a few notes of a familiar song can sweep me away.



Grace's amazing hands, they hold me
They're as soft as a feather bed
She would never try to scold me
She knows the words that work instead

I always thought that love was frightening
I always thought it'd be so rough
Love has sent me down an angel baby
I knew it was grace, just by her touch

Grace's amazing hands, they're ugly
They're bruised by the blows that I've blown
She knows well I don't deserve her
She laughs and says
"Thats the way love goes"

I always thought that love was frightening
I always thought it'd be so rough
Love has sent me down an angel baby
I knew it was grace, just by her touch

What did I do, hey yeah baby
What did I say
For love to smile down on me
And show me amazing grace
Show me amazing grace

Grace's amazing hands, they hold me
They're as soft as a feather bed

the little things.

this was not my favorite day of life.

it was long. it was discouraging.

i got back, and was cheered up when i remembered that...

neighborhood group started up again, and this semester we have been given weekly reading assignments.

yes. that is what cheered me up. truly. it made me smile.

and we were given a sheet of paper with the weekly schedule, so now i get to write it all down in my planner...just like syllabus day in college!

now i just have to decide what color highlighter to use when i read it.

totally unrelated, but now it's in my head:

i have curly hair.

i just gave myself a haircut.

with an ordinary pair of scissors.

it's my way.

i needed a change. little changes like this are just nice sometimes.

it'll probably be a week or so until it's totally even. feel free to take a pair of scissors to my locks if you see a few hairs too long. just give me some warning so i don't get myself stabbed in the neck.

it feels so much lighter! i keep shaking my head around.

happy monday.

keeping the sabbath wholly

i just finished reading a book that someone at church lent me. she gave it to me because i hate sundays.

hate sundays.

hate them. hate them. hate them.

because it's the day before monday. all day on sunday, and especially toward the end of the day, i have a feeling of dread. i don't want to go to work tomorrow. i know what i have to deal with for the next 5 days, and it's not good. it's stressful. it's overwhelming. it's hostile. it's chaotic. and i'm not talking about the kids. i can handle that kind of chaos.

so she lent me this book about keeping the Sabbath, because she thinks it will help me not hate sunday. it is really sad that the day i go to church, the only 2 hours i'm free from the tension...are the hours i'm at church. i should be looking forward to that time. i should be enjoying other people. and when it's over, i shouldn't immediately be tense again.

but i am.

but the book was really good, and i'm going to give it a try.

it has helped me to see at least one problem in my mind.

i think about Jesus every day. i wouldn't make it through each day if i didn't. i have to constantly remind myself that He is bigger than anything i face at work. He is beautiful, and powerful, kind, gracious, loving...He is a resting place. He is joy. He is shelter. He is a friend. He contends for me, fights for me, and rescues me from those too strong for me.

but those are all glances at Christ in my temporary, current situation. that is what i see when i only look at this moment.

i forget to have hope for the future. not because i think there is no hope, i just...forget. i forget that Heaven really exists. when something ridiculous happens*, i forget that one day it just won't matter. because all i see is that one moment. i think "Jesus loves you. Jesus will fight for you in this situation."

but i forget that all this will go away one day. it feels like this is all there is, because this is my life right now. but one day it will be made right.

so maybe if i focus on that on sundays...i'll be in better shape.

maybe i can replace the feeling of dread with a feeling of expectation for all the good things to come. that dread is really just a longing for no more brokenness.

and there will actually be a day when everything broken will be gone. forever.

so hard to remember sometimes.

*i'm not the only one who has footnotes on a blog, right? anyway...this is not my first job, so my expectations are not unrealistic. i can't remember ever loving any of my previous jobs. they all had their sources of frustration and stress. but there are certain things that happen at my job now that go above and beyond normal job problems. just felt like clarifying that.

i always wanted red hair.

1)

i have been seeing commercials for the morning news lately. and it makes me happy, because i love my morning news anchors. i watch it every day before i go to work. while my eyes are opening, and i'm gaining control of my muscles. trying to feed myself. plug: i've said it before but on abc at 6am, they are actually funny. they tell little jokes. but not annoying news anchor jokes. funny jokes. i love jokes.

2)

i finished "harry potter and the goblet of fire."

my thoughts:

"holy crap."

and

"Look at this stuff, isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who has everything?"

anyone?

3) we got "teacher survival packs" at work for the start of the new year. surprisingly, not lame at all.

dry erase markers in new, exciting colors
sharpies in new, exciting colors
an entire pack of pens
our own roll of tape
bubbles (you have no idea the kind of magic they work)
two pads of paper specifically designed for creating lists
various kinds of candy to consume

these are all equally delightful.

and my new co-teacher quit after one week (that's right...one week), so i'm keeping both pads of paper for myself. unless she takes it, but she hasn't yet. i like making lists.

spoiler alert.

my normal train of thought is pretty random.

when i read "catcher in the rye" in college (for FUN of course!), i kept thinking "this is so great. his train of thought is just like mine!"

and then at the end i found out he was insane the whole time.

shrug.

but even i am baffled by it at times.

tonight i watched a couple episodes of a new show called "glee."

i know other people may have been laughing, or thinking about their glory days in high school show choir.

i was thinking about copyright laws.

"they are using so many songs in this show. at least 4-6 an episode. how did they get permission to use all this music? and not just use it, but alter it? why would kanye want his song sung in this style? it's a group of high schoolers. a choir. a choir singing kanye. he's ok with that? he's ok with giving up some of his royalties to this show? really? i guess it could potentially boost sales of his version, but it's just kind of weird."

and then...

"why are you thinking about this?"

trigger finger.

i almost quit my job today.

but then i didn't.

~ the end ~

i did walk away with a short-term goal. there's something i would like to achieve in the next 6-7 months. at the moment it sounds brilliant to me, but the passing of time may show it to be foolish. funny how some decisions can go either way so easily.

and i'm also glad i never really have to "achieve" anything. Jesus Christ is actually in charge of my life. hallelujah, amen.

this is totally normal behavior.

i killed the class pet today.

kind of on purpose.

we've had this fish since january. fred the fish.

i don't like fish. i feel that a relationship with a fish is very one-sided. they require a lot of upkeep, but offer nothing in return. no love. no affection. and as a class pet, it's kind of useless.

me: look at fred! what is he doing?
child: swimming
me:...yep.

conversation over.

so anyway, we have this fish. had this fish. i stopped feeding it around april. my cabinet was starting to smell like fish food, so i threw the food away. the water hasn't been changed in a few months. there was someone who came around and did that, because she had the special chemicals, but she stopped doing that too. almost all the other fish in the school already died of natural causes.

today i lifted up his "aquarium" (see: oversized cup), to show to a girl i was holding. she was crying. this is something i do all the time. her beloved class pet did not come to the rescue. i set it back down, but a little too close to the edge of the sink. that part was not on purpose. it fell, all the water drained in the sink. (yay for not having to clean anything up!)

i had a decision to make. fred was flopping around. i considered filling up the tank with water, and hoping someone would find the time to supply him with the proper chemicals. but if you think that's likely, you've never worked at my school. i will not elaborate on that.

so i flushed him.

i don't like fish.

dear google,

if i give anyone permission to defy the laws of the internet, it's you.

i keep forgetting that even when i freak out and wish to take back my emotional vomit blogs, people with google reader can still read them.

so last night i went to google reader to see how it could possibly add any value to my internet experience.

i'm so sorry for resenting or doubting you, google.

it's so much better to read the internet on google reader. so much better.

"displaying deleted information" is your one glaring flaw, but i'm over it.

glenn greenwald, minor tweaks, and my blog friends...all in one place? no going back and forth? no extra browsers opening up just to read them?

sold. do whatever the heck you want.

i know, google readers, it's kind of weird how i said "shit" twice yesterday, and now i'm saying "heck."

shrug.

in other news:

i had planned to walk into work and solve one of my problems with what i felt to be some pretty sound logic. my boss interrupted me about 10 words into the speech i had rehearsed, and it turns out...problem already solved. God didn't need my ability to think and reason through a problem. imagine that.

i love Jesus.

every day is a new chance to ask myself "do i really believe what i say i believe? when i have to deal with _____ at work, does the fact that He gave His life for me...matter more?"

remembering that He is enough...never gets old.

you know what else never gets old?

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
when sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
let this blest assurance control,
that Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
and hath shed his own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

And, Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
the clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
the trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
even so, it is well with my soul.

remembering.

i've been thinking about the past today. it's allowed.

me and my roommates had a door covered in post-its.

on those post-its were quotes we overheard. hilarious quotes. i haven't thought about that door in a long time.



that's only from one year.

i kept them all, and made copies for my roommates.

i bring you the best of the quote door:

"i was at the doctor's office with my wife. she was getting an ultra sound. no. wait. we were at the beach and my son had just caught a fish." - professor gonas

"the air force has bigger problems than your asthma." - emily

"then again, in a perfect world, i would have a tail." - jason

"there's a part of me that wants to tell you the truth about geese. but then there's another part of me that says, 'they just don't need that right now.'" - professor john arnn

"if there was a freak showcase, we would be in it." - me, referring to our river dance. yes, our river dance.

"i blew the tulips up." - me

"i want to be in a choir so bad. or a cricket stadium." - ashley

"we only howl when provoked." - ashley

"it's so good. it makes you want to kill people." - me, about a movie.

(in the middle of a test, out of the silence...) "i do not like squirrels. no i don't." - dr. pursell

"i think that if i knew that Jesus was my grandpa, i wouldn't lie so much." - jason

"if i ever get married, i'm probably going to kill my husband." - me, don't ask. no i have to tell you. i toss and turn a lot at night.

"i sure wish i'd brought that gun..." - the maintenance guy

"i need to buy my parents a chinese kid that they can raise as a grandchild." - a coworker at my internship, discussing his failed engagement

"dieting never really worked for me, so now i'm just trying to see how fat i can get." - professor tappan

"my trunk is big enough for 10 dead bodies." - someone i worked with. at a church.

"i feel really good this morning. i don't know if it's the coffee, or the heroine in the coffee." - professor tappan

"it's always weird when you look at someone, and they look back." - ashley



and probably half the door was from the best professor of all time...james elliot.

"what if i kept walking, and walked like right through that wall?"

"i'd probably go to china if the FBI would let me out of the country."

"you know when you go to the opthamologist and they put that thing up to your eyes and then they blow air in your eyes? that's fun, isn't it."

"there are very few things i love in this world more than snacks."

"...because you can get in trouble for that - writing prescriptions when you're not a doctor."

"i've been known to leave class, wash my hands, and come back."

"take deep breaths...what does that mean, exactly?"

"it's nice to have teeth. you know, like when you're trying to eat an apple."

"sorry. i'm not using my inside voice."

"that would help the world, wouldn't it? if we had more xylophones?"

"i spend most of my Christmases with a big bottle of gin."

"i'm going to ask the dean if i can be known as 'general.'"

"some person told me that i could do anything. that person is delusional."

i am pam, part 1000.

today i had a teacher inservice training day.

these are always 90% mind-numbing, and 10% outrageous/surreal/hilarious-if-you-look-in-from-the-outside.

actual things that have happened in the past at these trainings:

- awkward dance-off with coworkers who aren't friends and a couple hundred strangers

- group stretches

- individual mini-oscars handed out to each employee from our directors, personalized with a label-maker. (like "the dundees" that michael scott handed out in season one). i got the "always so happy" award, but the oscar just says "happy." i did not get one of the insulting ones.

- seminar given by someone who named herself "dr. feel good" which concluded with us having to give ourselves a pat on the back for being such good listeners

today was no different.

seminar one was from an OSHA representative telling us not to trip and fall, but if we do they'll sue our employer for us. score. it included about 20 or so powerpoint slides with pictures of people doing stupid things, like dangling their coworkers over ledges to wash windows. i am thinking she did not put the powerpoint together herself. because she clicked to one slide and said "i don't know what that man is holding in the corner of the screen, but you can see those stairs do not look safe at all."

all we could see in the bottom right corner was a dark object made of metal. and someone's hand holding it.

someone in the front said "that's a gun. he's holding a gun!"

and someone next to her said "yeah...that's a gun! that's not a real picture. that's a frozen shot of a video game. i think that's halo or something."

we all squinted and looked harder, and sure enough...not real.

another seminar was about music, and this guy taught us some new songs.

and tested the boundaries of acceptable social interaction with strangers.

he was wearing a hawaiian print shirt. some brightly colored clown-ish shoes. he was sporting a mullet. and he hung up a sign that said "there's a special place in Heaven for preschool teachers." i just want you to have the right image in your mind.

he sang a song about clapping and high-fiving, and then started hugging people on the aisles. hugging people. people he doesn't know. he hugged a girl right next to me. i avoided making eye contact, an old trick from college. if i didn't know the answer to a question, i would not look a professor in the eyes.

later he was singing a song about puppies and rainbows or something, and went and sat in a teacher's lap. he sat in her lap.

so.

awkward.

when he finished the seminar, he put down his guitar and sang us a sappy "you shape their future with your hands" song on his ear microphone.

i love and hate these seminars. love and hate.

but the conference was football themed so we all had to wear jerseys, and i wore my texas a&m t-shirt, because...

it's college football season!!!

yesssss.

all of pharoah's army did the dead man's float

i am so sorry if my inability to figure out when to use "effect" and when to use "affect" ruins this post for you. i did graduate from college. cum laude, in fact. i don't know what's wrong with me.

the story of moses has been teaching me a lot this past year.

"the story of moses."

that's SO BROAD.

i will only narrow that down to one part tonight. it's just now 10pm. i have about ten minutes to think clearly, and then i must abide by my rules and stop blogging for today.

i have seen some examples in "the story of moses" about how sin effects other people, and not just yourself. it effects your family, and your community. we live life together. that's how it is. and i'm so glad. it sucks to deal with sin whether it's your own or someone else's, but it's so good to live in community. to share life. to carry each other's burdens.

i was just reading about when God sent some people into the Promised Land*, and they came back terrified. they were like "yeah there's milk and honey... with a side of DESTRUCTION." and they made everyone else afraid too.

i have never really thought about it, but i guess fear effects your whole community too. if we're sharing life and carrying each other's burdens, then people having to help me carry fear around are effected by that.

Numbers 14:36-37

"And the men whom Moses sent to spy out the land, who returned and made all the congregation grumble against him by bringing up a bad report about the land— the men who brought up a bad report of the land—died by plague before the Lord."

that's so sad. they were scared. their fear messed up the whole community. the community had to wander around and wait for all the scared people to die off. they died of a plague, but all the others died without seeing the land they had been dreaming of.

sad.

my current fears?

gossip at work. lies. other people's thoughts.

things out of my control. things i should be trusting God with.

i don't want my fear to hurt anyone else.

today i had to clean my apartment, and started singing "cleaning, cleaning, cleaning do do dooo do dooo dooo dooooo...."

and remembered this verse of the hymn i was butchering:

"What have I to dread, what have I to fear,
leaning on the everlasting arms?
I have blessed peace with my Lord so near,
leaning on the everlasting arms."

wonderful.

*fact: the Pastor i grew up with referred to Texas as the Promised Land.