ursula. yikes.

rainy days are bad.

we have to go into this special room during the playground time, so they can still run around. gross motor skills. you understand.

there's a cd player in there, and today i just turned it on without caring what was inside. it was this cd of old disney songs, redone by people who...need work?

but still, it really took me back. i can remember watching the old disney movies and singing my little heart out.

so i prefer the original versions. some things you just don't mess with.

all of my favorite things.

i don't mean to carry on about the moment i arrived on the scene, but...

i just got my birthday present from my parents. in addition to their uplifting thoughts ("you're half my age now!" "wow, you are OLD!"), they gave me:

gift cards to borders, cheesecake factory, and exxon. what more could i need? this is what my life consists of. reading. eating. filling my car up with gas.

which, by the way, is number 3 on my hate list.

1. sundays
2. beans
3. filling up my gas tank

tangent:

i force fed myself beans for a week. not just beans, but i tried to make them part of my dinner. i'm shaking my menu up. and i hear they're good for you or something. i only made it 3 days. i hate beans. does anyone really like beans? are you all just pretending?

random fact:

i have to cut some stuff out of construction paper tonight. i can't find my scissors. ooh...

4. losing things

my solution? i'm going to use my meat cutting scissors. i use them to trim fat off of meat. that's what they're for. they hang right next to spatulas and knives at wal-mart. they're tough.

it's all i've got tonight.

it feels wrong.

25 years in review

just a few highlights off the top of my head:

i'm told i was once found with a roach in my mouth at the age of one.

first crush: pre-school. steven o'bryant. red hair. need i say more?

first best friend: a girl named allison. we called each other "long lost sisters." which, upon reflection, makes little sense.

sweet valley twins and the baby-sitters club

a broken elbow and a hot pink cast. story: i learned how to ride my bike, but not very well because i fell off it and broke my elbow. better story: a kid in my first grade class was annoying me. i warned him. he didn't stop. i broke his finger with my cast.

roller skating birthday parties

won the class spelling bee in 4th grade

piano lessons. i took second place one year in a competition.

braces for nine months and 26 days

first cassette tape of my own: amy grant, my father's eyes.

dogs: skipper, daisy, scooby doo (was...that his name?), spot, toby, angel. (oh my gosh. could we be any more cliche with those names?)

salvation

church choir from age 3 to 18. i was president my senior year, holla.

youth group retreats

world changers

heartbreak, heartbreak, heartbreak

guitar lessons. i gave some too.

graduation. goodbyes.

belmont.

graduation.

game night. community.

goodbyes.

first "real" job: punch in the gut.

now.

i also hate beans.

i hate sundays. i really do.

they're awful.

all i can think about is having to go back to work tomorrow. sundays are not relaxing. i feel tense.

i wake up, and immediately think "too bad i'll be waking up to an alarm clock at six in the morning tomorrow. five more days until i can sleep in again."

i spend most of the day in boredom. there's nothing worth going to do, because i have to come back and get ready for church. and i love church, but i hate that it's on sunday. i wish it was on saturday, so i could really enjoy it. so i could be relaxed, and come back from church, and enjoy the rest of my evening as i reflect on the good things that just happened at church. instead, i come back and eat dinner, and go to bed. because i have to get up early the next day. as soon as church is over, my weekend is over.

and as long as i'm being honest, i'm kind of annoyed that i have to do kids sunday school on my birthday. it's been really hard for me to do lately anyway, because i'm with kids all week long. so doing sunday school feels like being at work. so it's like i'm going to work on my birthday. but it also means that an extra hour of my day is spent not relaxing, because i have to go to church earlier. so more of my day is just...gone. and no matter how many times i tell people i don't want to teach the lesson, i still have to teach the lesson. i signed up to be the assistant teacher, not the teacher. they don't listen to me. i don't know how to connect with them. i don't know how to hold their attention. i don't want to teach the lesson. i hate teaching the lesson. hate it. but i had to last month, and i have to again today. why can't i ever just say NO. why do i always have to do what everyone else wants me to do? why does everyone else always get to push me into submission?

and why do i have to feel bad for expressing that i hate these things? these are my actual feelings, and i don't feel like pretending they're not.

israel seems cool.

"Faith makes a virtue out of 'not thinking.'"

that's a quote from "religulous." a documentary by bill maher.

it's good. really good.

i'm an analytical person, so i'm constantly walking this line between "intellect" and "faith."

i believe in Jesus Christ. there are a lot of elements of my faith that don't make sense. a virgin birth. the holy spirit. resurrections. He's coming back and He's going to beat the devil, and oh yeah...i also believe there's a devil.

but i do think there are a lot of things about Christianity that do make sense, and can be explained.

so it makes me really sad when i see people like bill maher interviewing Christians, and those Christians don't know how to answer his questions. and some of them i would have trouble answering too. we should be able to express our faith intelligently. it is not glorifying to God to look stupid simply because we rely 100% on faith, and don't study Christ on an intellectual level.

there are times when we'll look stupid to "the world." we will. i'm ok with that.

but there are other times when we don't have to. God is fascinating. anything that can be learned...i want to learn it. i want to defend my faith, and speak of how mesmerizing He is. He's captivating when He asks me to trust Him in my heart, when i can't see where He's taking me. but He's also captivating when i read Scripture and understand it with my mind.

ultimately, Christ brings people to the Father on His own. He doesn't need our intellect, and He doesn't even need our faith. that's amazing too. He gives faith to sinful creatures who are too depraved to believe in Him. but He also gives understanding. and i don't think it's good when either one of those things are thrown out the window. i think it's important to know how to answer questions, to "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have." (1 Peter 3:15)

when i think of giving an answer to someone who asks the reason for what i believe...i don't think of saying "well, i just have faith." or "God's ways are higher than ours, some things you just can't understand." i think people asking questions are looking for more than that. sometimes that's the only answer you can give...because God is bigger than us. but not always.

in the opening scene, he's asking these guys some tough questions. one gets mad and says "i don't like where this is going, if you're going to start insulting my God, we've got a problem." and bill says "i'm just asking questions."

people need to be able to ask questions, and get honest answers. we have to be secure enough in our faith to be able to say "hmm. that's interesting, i'm not sure. i'll look into that with you."

i'm rambling...

here's one of his questions/thoughts that i don't know the answer to:

there were world religions on the scene before Judaism and Christianity, and they have the same basic story...man born to a virgin, grows up and dies, comes back from the dead, saves the world. isn't Christianity just stealing that story? why do we believe our version is right, but the other ones aren't?

purple roses are lame

my sister laura sent me a birthday card. with a ten dollar bill.

i think that's hilarious, in a subtle way.

who gives their sister ten dollars in cash for a birthday present? that's how me and laura do humor.

i bought myself a flower with it.

i love flowers. and instead of being one of those girls who whines about never getting any flowers from people (okay, boys), i buy them for myself. for every occasion. and my personal favorite "no occasion" occasion.

i had a hard time picking between tulips (my favorite!) and a rose. i've never gotten myself a rose before. they seem too special. but tomorrow is the big 2-5, so i figured...it's a rose kind of a day. there were so many colors to choose from! i picked red. even though yellow roses are my favorite.

it smells good.

i bought a cupcake too. you can buy individual cupcakes. isn't that great.

and i rented a couple movies. i'm about to watch "religulous" which is a documentary making fun of religious people. it should be interesting. and offensive. actually, probably not. when you know you're right, it's hard to be offended. that's a little thing i like to call security.

for surreal, yo.

sometimes, i experience something that just makes me ask

is this really happening to me right now? is this my life?

- i had to leave my classroom to make some copies so i had to take some students with me, so the other teacher wasn't left with a room full of crazy children. it's the law. one of the kids i grabbed to go with me had just been playing with dress-up clothes. so i went on a walk through the school with a little girl wearing ladybug wings.

- there were two dead birds found on the playground. there were two dead birds found on the playground. do any of you have to worry about that at your jobs?

- a kid in my class is going through a spitting phase. he also likes to lick furniture.

- i grew up southern baptist, and i'm doing lent for the first time ever. it's not even a presbyterian thing. but i'm reading "the easter story" a lot. somehow for my entire life i have failed to notice these verses in mark 14:

51 A young man, wearing nothing but a linen garment, was following Jesus. When they seized him, 52 he fled naked, leaving his garment behind.

and then the story picks right back up. no clear transition to the death and resurrection of Jesus.

i think i'm doing lent wrong. because every time i read that, i just pause and wonder...what? why is that there? when you think of Christ being betrayed, handed over to vicious men, willingly giving Himself up for your sin...do you picture a naked guy running around in the background? i'm missing something. it's in Scripture for a reason.

- i haven't told anyone my birthday since middle school. my 25th birthday is on sunday.

twenty.

five.

twenty-five.

"the only age restrictions after this point are to get into retirement communities." - a close friend's thoughts about his 25th birthday

this is happening. this is my life.

i think i thrive under lack of accountability

michael scott can't quit!

WHAT???

why so serious?

richard winters...

i'm reading his war memoirs. i just read the chapter about D-Day. they flew into france, jumped out of planes, and got to work. (all three of those statements...kind of a big deal...)

his thoughts after his day full of heroic acts:

"Before I dozed off, I did not forget to get on my knees and thank God for helping me to live through this day and to ask His help on D+1. I would live this war one day at a time, and I promised myself that if I survived, I would find a small farm somewhere in the Pennsylvania countryside and spend the remainder of my life in quiet and peace."

it's hard to just blow over what was written about in that chapter, but i'm going to try...

because i think that quote is a great summary of LIFE.

even after you live through some nasty, soul-killing experiences...life's not over. there's more to do. more to live through. i love that line about asking God for help on "D+1." i really feel completely dependent on God to help me through a bunch of things. every day, i have to ask for more help. every morning i get up and know i won't make it through a day of work with a good attitude unless He helps me. taking life one day at a time...that is very real.

D+1. think about it. flying into france while being shot at, jumping out of planes while being shot at, conquering little pockets of the enemy while being shot at. some victory. some death. some exhaustion. and they had to get up the next day and do it some more.

D+1.

from the world war two memorial in d.c...

"here we mark the price of freedom."

every star = 100 lives lost.

old man crushes

just got back from d.c.

had a heck of a time.

- saw the lincoln memorial
- saw the washington monument
- visited arlington cemetery where i saw the thousands of graves, the tomb of the unknown soldier, and JFK's "eternal flame"
- went to two smithsonians...air and space, and natural history
- saw the capitol building
- looked through the library of congress (which has the original gutenberg Bible!)
- saw the white house and the eisenhower building
- saw the vietnam, korean, and world war two memorials

that's really not much. this trip was so relaxed. i was so excited to see my friends that i didn't even make plans, or put much thought into what we were going to do. i didn't see the constitution or the bill of rights. i didn't see the jefferson memorial. i could have ridden to the top of the washington monument. i could have gone to the holocaust museum, or the american history smithsonian (or a few other smithsonians...)

but i didn't do those things. i just enjoyed being with my best friend.



a conversation to illustrate how we are "joined at the brain":

me: this is just like the moon!
ashley: yeah...totally unbelievable.
me: yeah.

and her husband is a close friend also. i forgot to bring a pen and paper with me so i could write down his outrageous thoughts. but he made us the best breakfast of my life...pancakes, eggs, sausage, strawberries, kiwi, and home fries. if i could eat it again right now, i wouldn't hold back. there'd be no leftovers.

but i also came to a strange realization about myself.

old/dead men. i'm kind of obsessed.

when i was in 3rd or 4th grade, i went through an abraham lincoln phase. i memorized the gettysburg address for no reason other than i loved abraham lincoln. i read books about him, and thought about him a lot during that phase. i thought he was so great. he's kind of a big deal, you know. i recognized that at an early age. so it was really special to see his memorial, and to see the gettysburg address inscribed on the side of it.

but there's another old man that intrigues me. his name is richard winters.

he is a world war two veteran. a hero, if you will. he's one of the men in the "band of brothers" book and movie series. the best man in the series. he was an officer who led a troop of men through D-Day and what came after.

i read the book a couple years ago, but jonathan (ashley's husband) had "beyond band of brothers: dick winters' war memoirs" on his bookshelf, and i started reading it. he let me bring it back with me so i could finish it. i'm obsessed all over again. i am so impressed by the things he did. i can't recount them. you need to read these books.

if only it was 1945...

some pictures:

where did all the clowns go?

i am out of paper towels.

last night i dreamed that i found an extra roll hidden in the back of my cabinet.

when did my dreams become so practical?

and why is my subconscious self so concerned about my paper towel shortage?

cherokee people, cherokee pride

it's been a long time since i've explained where the name of my blog comes from. without context, it can sound pretty arrogant.

it's only partially arrogant. (is that possible?)

paul makes a statement in the Bible about how he's the worst sinner ever, and i really relate to that. i don't think anyone would label me as mean or terrible. but really, i am. my Pastor says sometimes that we'd be horrified if we knew what went on in his head. i often think "i bet i've got you beat."

here's the verse before i get a case of the rambles:

"Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst." - 1 Timothy 1:15

some translations have it as "of whom I am the chief." i'm really wondering why that's how i always remember the verse, because that's not what my translation says.

the other reason for my blog title...

i'm an indian. a cherokee indian. it's true. i've got crazy indian pride. mostly because i think it's funny to claim the heritage (have you seen me?), but also because i think indians are so cool. they know all kinds of crazy tricks.

a few years ago my grandma bought us all a membership in a cherokee tribe. i've got the card in my wallet if you don't believe me, or if you ever want to see it. it doesn't get me into any clubs or anything, but i wave it every chance i get.

and indians have chiefs, so i figure...this is my blog. i'm the chief.

i was going to look up some cherokee facts, but i thought a video would spice things up a bit. here's one of a killing dance. they really let loose with the hatchets at the end.



this one is offensive to me and my people:

clever title.

so, it's pretty obvious that i'm a compassion sponsor. i've talked about my sponsored child before. i've got that cute little banner up top, and one on the side.

i just got an e-mail about something they're up to now.

apparently, march 11th is GLOBAL FOOD CRISIS DAY. the e-mail is informative, and very "to the point" so there's no reason for me to summarize it. i'll just copy and paste the text. but before i do, let me just say:

don't stop reading. don't disregard this as a boring blog entry. i'll return to the usual insanity later. i've got a post in mind about a dream i recently had...a trip to greece and a haunted house. actually, that's pretty much the deal with that dream.

moving on.

i love compassion. there are a lot of things i hate: traffic, sun in my eyes, winter, being "fashionably late", small pieces of chewing gum, seaweed, etc. i'm easily annoyed. but compassion never annoys me. their e-mails always fill me with, well, compassion for hurting people in the world. aptly named! it's like that pizza place i recently ate from in east nashville. it's just called "it's a pizza!"

so that's why i'm saying don't just ignore this post. it's so easy to go to dinner and have conversations about what's wrong in the world, but i want to be better about doing something. it's so easy to get on board with whatever compassion does. they've been around. they make a real difference.

anyway...

WHAT IS GLOBAL FOOD CRISIS DAY?
Compassion International is partnering with radio stations, media, churches and bloggers to spread the word about the Global Food Crisis and raise funds that will make a real difference to those impacted by it.

WHY IS THE CRISIS?
Overshadowed by recent political and financial economic news, the UN World Food Programme calls the current global food crisis “a phenomenon, a silent tsunami,” that is affecting millions of families in every nation on every continent. This global food crisis is more rapid, urgent and devastating than any other in the history of our planet.

WHY IS THE CRISIS HAPPENING?
The cost of food staples have roughly doubled in many countries where Compassion serves. Some of the original factors that turned this trend into a world calamity recently include unstable oil prices, increased meat consumption in countries like India and China, droughts in major crop-producing countries, and increased production of biofuels.

WHAT DOES THE GLOBAL FOOD CRISIS FUND DO?
- Provides food vouchers to children and families needing immediate relief.
- Provides seeds and agricultural tools so that families can grow their own food as well as earn extra income.
- Provides supplemental nutrition services at Compassion-assisted centers around the world.

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES:
- Official Global Food Crisis Day page: http://www.compassion.com/please
- Compassion International's blog has several excellent posts on the Global Food Crisis: http://blog.compassion.com/tag/global-food-crisis

HOW CAN YOU HELP?
- Visit http://www.compassion.com/please to learn more about the Global Food Crisis and donate to Compassion's Global Food Crisis Fund.
- Add a Global Food Crisis widget to your blog sidebar or posts: http://share-compassion.org/gfc/

06, 07, 08.

another reason to be thankful for vacation:

for the next week of my life,

no one's bottom, hiney, tushie, or bootie will be a point of reference in any conversation.

no more:

"we sit in chairs. sit down. sit in the chair. sit on your bottom in the chair."

"this slide is tall, you have to sit on your bottom. you can go down head first on the other one. sit on your bottom. sit on your bottom."

etc.

trust me, you don't want to know what the "etc." is.

tonight i went to my first ever A-Sun tournament, to see belmont play.

i like tournament energy! the pep bands were battling, the cheerleaders were disrespecting each other's time on the floor.. it was great.

we lost.

the seniors on that team have never lost.

because belmont won the championship for the past three years.

there was this nice little "friday night lights" moment right at the end. they were 5points behind, but then it just slipped away from them. it became clear that we were going to lose.

in the movie "friday night lights" the fans of the team do this thing in the 4th quarter. if the team is behind, they all hold up four fingers. that's how they say "the 4th quarter is ours. this game isn't over. we win in the 4th quarter."

in the last minute of the game, belmont was 10 points behind. it wasn't going to happen. the final buzzer sounded, and ETSU celebrated. then, all the belmont fans held up 3 fingers.

because we won three championships. in a row. little belmont! that's part of belmont basketball history forever.

but it definately felt like friday night lights.

and it was definately a sad moment. the friday night lights team lost too.

my mind salivates.

i am one day away from being on vacation, but my plans are already taking shape.

friday night: clean my apartment, so i don't have to do that while i'm on vacation. also, avoid thinking about how i'm cleaning my apartment on a friday night. UNLESS, i score a ticket to the second round of the A-Sun tournament and hopefully see the bruins whoop ETSU. because i just found out they won the first game.

saturday: radnor lake. buy a birthday present for the friend i'm going to see next week... in d.c... while i'm on vacation. gather with people for a birthday shindig.

sunday: celebrate the resurrection of Christ while enjoying a glass of dr. pepper. (the two go hand in hand this month...) read a good book at ugly mugs. i'm almost through with the odyssey. and then i'm moving onto spurgeon vs. hypercalvinism. you know how your mouth waters when you think of good food? well...whatever the equivalent of that is for your mind...that's what's going on when i think of reading that book.

monday: ugh. get my car's emissions tested. fail the emissions test. take my dad up on his offer to borrow an old car he just bought, until i can buy a car that passes its emissions test. and neighborhood group, which will be more fun since i won't feel gross from work! i won't have a headache. i won't have anyone's snot in my hair. i won't be dreading going to work the next day.

tuesday: look for a job, look for a job, look for a job, look for a job.

wednesday: look for a job, look for a job, FLY TO D.C. reunite with my best friend and her husband. laugh about nothing. smile about everything. feel happy inside.

thursday: meet up with my SISTER, who is spending part of her spring break in d.c. try to find our grandpa's name on the world war 2 memorial. make his day. try to fulfill my dad's dream of seeing some airplane and space stuff in one of the smithsonians. tell him it's awesome, even if it's not.

friday: lincoln memorial. i had a thing for him in elementary school. not a sexual thing. just a thing. (do i need to clarify that?) a weird obsession. i memorized the gettysburg address for no reason. i don't know what to tell you.

saturday: whatever. i. want. probably some white house, some history, and some new appreciation for this country.

sunday: more dr. pepper, more friends, more enjoyment of Christ. and then i come back...

but i'm not sad yet...because it hasn't even begun. one more day of work. one more 6am alarm clock greeting. one more day of wiping noses, and pretending to care about whining, and miscommunication, and bullying from coworkers. and then...


vacation.

little truthful one.

i got a new sweatshirt on saturday.

i wore it for the first time tonight.

it is unspeakably soft on the inside.

the only description i could come up with:

it's like wearing a hug.

also, we're doing this project at work with the kid's names. we're making them stuff with their name meanings and origins on it. one little girl's name means "sea of bitterness." not cute! i'm going to need to make something up...

which is ironic because my name means "little truthful one."

he speaks the truth.

i'm going to need to watch that again, so i can laugh some more.

it's an island that travels through time, and then bad things happen a lot.

i found a new show that i like on hulu.

dollhouse.

i really hate that title, and avoided watching it for a few weeks simply because of the title.

but today i was bored and i watched it.

and it's awesome.

as with most awesome shows, it's hard to explain.

for example:

arrested development - there's this family. and they're all kind of selfish, and immature. but really funny! the dad is in jail for...some stuff. the main character's son is in love with his cousin. but it's...funny. one guy doesn't like to be naked, so he showers with shorts on. one of them joined the army, but then got his hand bitten off by a seal...anyway, it's great.

chuck - chuck works at a store like best buy. his best friend works for the CIA, and right before he "died", he e-mailed chuck this thing that has a lot of pictures...and chuck looked at the pictures...and now all the pictures are in his head...so he helps the CIA...anyway, it's great.

lost - uhhh. anyway, it's great.

see what i mean?

here's dollhouse:

there's this secret, illegal company. they created technology to erase people's memories, but then they fill up those people's minds with new memories so they can perform jobs for the company's clients. and there's some killing and some mystery...it's all very complicated.

i watched an episode today, and one character made this really brilliant observation.

there's a cop named paul who is trying to find the "dollhouse." he knows it exists, but it's impossible to track down. so he found one contact who is feeding him random information...

contact: why are you so sure it exists?
paul: because i know the technology is out there to make it happen.
contact: that doesn't mean they're using the technology to run a "dollhouse." just because it's possible, doesn't mean it's happening.
paul: yes it does. that's what humans do. we split an atom, now we have an atom bomb. whenever we create something new, we use it to destroy, manipulate, and control. it's human nature.

the show's premise is ridiculous, but i agree with that observation. because i believe that humans are totally depraved, and in need of a Savior. it's going to be interesting to see how that observation plays out on the show, through paul's character.