wicked.

i had an incredible dream last night.

normally my dreams are incredible in a funny way. a random combination of meaningless parts of my day.

but last night it was incredible in a revealing kind of way.

here we go: (this won't seem incredible until i interpret it for you)

i dreamed that i was in the olympics. i was playing a team sport. i suck at sports in real life, and i did in my dream too. it was like volleyball, except we were playing with a tennis ball. as if that wasn't hard enough, more than one ball was in play at once. dozens, actually. it was really hard to make contact with those little tennis balls, and there were a lot flying at us. and to make matters worse, sometimes we'd hit them too hard and they'd get little holes in them. so someone had to run around the court sorting the balls into "good" and "bad" piles, and still be playing the game at the same time. that someone was me. and then after a couple sets, the other team (i think they were german...seriously...) decided they were going to take a break from the game. they felt like getting some lunch and resting. but we weren't able to do that for some reason. we had to stay and wait for them to come back. so they left and came back refreshed and ready to play, but we were still exhausted.

oh.

my.

gosh.

this is my life! THIS IS MY LIFE! i'm serious.

that is exactly how i feel at work. i feel like i'm doing something that i'm bad at. i'm not an athlete, and try as i may...i am not good at sports. the coordination is not there. i feel that inadequate at work. so on top of completely sucking at my job, i am being asked to do something really hard. like playing volleyball with tennis balls. but i'm not just being asked to do one hard thing, i'm being asked to do a lot of hard things at once. and on top of all of that, i feel like i'm having to run around doing a million things while having to do all of those hard things. i get a lot of work dumped on me that isn't actually my job. so other people aren't feeling overwhelmed because they aren't working as hard. they leave early, and i stay late. (actually, i have to stay late, because they leave early.)i spend half an hour cleaning my room, and they want me to clean theirs too. and on, and on, and on. one tennis ball after another, flying at me.

this dream does not make me feel better or worse...i just thought it was incredible for my mind to do that. it depicted how i feel ...really accurately. i don't think i could explain it any better.

but i also realize that just because i feel like i'm working harder, doesn't mean i actually am. there are definately circumstances when i'm doing other people's work, no doubt about it, but feelings and reality do not always coincide. i'm sure there are times when i'm feeling taken advantage of, when i'm not. there's definately room for error on my part...and going to the tim keller lecture the other night was really good for me. i'm sure you can even hear the pride in my heart coming out through that dream.

and i know that my coworkers are feeling some of the same stress as me in some areas, especially pertaining to...management.

also, when the germans came back....for some reason, they were dressed as characters from the wizard of oz.

i have no idea how to deconstruct that.