i found a video of ben sollee playing live.
i cannot contain my excitement.
he has moved from being a "temporary obsession" to being my "favorite artist." it's a big deal. ask anyone who knew me in high school. want to know who my favorite was then? the orange county supertones. i'm not ashamed.
in college i just had a series of temporary obsessions.
anyway...i put ben's name in on youtube. i like live music more than recorded music. it's hard to explain why. and since i can't actually go see him live right now, i can at least watch him play live music.
this is one of my favorite songs. he plays it a thousand times faster than the recorded version, but who cares? not i.
the best thing about this video is that it starts out slow. and you might even think "this is boring, i am so not impressed. i have never been more bored in my entire life."
and then, all of a sudden...
"this is the most delightful music i've ever heard, and my life will never be the same. he's playing a cello, and he's singing. at the same time. and it is good."
and then i started watching other videos...
his voice sounds really nice on this one.
i'll share just one more, even though there are a million you should watch.
i found a song i've never heard before. and this one has some random guy playing a guitar with him. and i have always liked hearing cello with other instruments. so this is really good too. i'm just saying.
the lyrics are kind of weird on this one. it's a song for a bag lady. weird. but i don't care.
***update***
a few hours after i wrote this, i found out ben sollee is playing in NASHVILLE, in a WEEK.
he's the only person i'll stay up late for on a work night.
i'm so happy.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
maybe a snowman undergoing an autopsy?
be honest.
did you cringe a little when you opened my blog today? did you recoil in disgust*?
that, friends, is a picture of why i hate Christmas things. (remember: not CHRIST, just Christmas things**.)
in the past year or so, i've been able to put a finger on why Christmas things bother me so much. i think it's because of how my mom decorates her house. the tree is decorated with ornaments like that...thing. what is that thing? no one knows. but somehow it earned a spot on the tree. the tree has half real ornaments, and half ornaments that were created by me and my sisters when we were small. it used to have multi-colored lights that didn't just glow, they twinkled and flashed. it was a lot for any pair of eyes to take in.
like this sparkly manger made out of a milk carton:
i think she has actually kept every Christmas thing we ever made. like this wreath i made with my tiny hands when i was a tiny girl:
and there's another wreath i made later in fifth grade that she hangs in a different spot. (made with green garbage bags...) i don't know how my sisters were spending their time, but i was making wreaths.
usually she gets a million (see: a hundred or so) Christmas cards from people, and hangs those up too. she lines the house with them. seriously.
i'm not saying my mom sucks. it's her house. my sisters like it. i recognize that i am alone in my feelings about the decor. over the years, i somehow went from ...finding it to be a little "much"... to absolutely refusing to put ANY Christmas things in my own apartment.
just trying to offer some explanation about why i am the way i am.
*i looked up the definition for "recoil" to make sure i was using it correctly. i'm pretty sure i've never said that word in my entire life, so i wanted to use it the right way. as it turns out, it captures my feelings about Christmas things perfectly.
–verb 1. to draw back; start or shrink back, as in alarm, horror, or disgust.
**i think the general public would benefit from me defining "Christmas things." just so we're all on the same page.
ahem.
- anything that uses the red and green color combo
- any decorations that twinkle or flash
- any decorations that sing to you, unbidden
- any songs about snowmen, snow, bells, mythical creatures, etc.
- sparkly decorations
- garland of any color, including the kind that's supposed to look like pine
- fake snow
- real snow (i realize that's not unique to Christmas, but i still hate it)
i think that covers it.
note that the list excludes nice things like...nativity scenes. i'm all about showing love to sweet, baby Jesus.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
that's how we do.
we successfully surprised my dad for Christmas.
my parents have had this tv for too many years:
and me and my sisters and grandparents combined forces and got him this 42" flat screen of awesomeness:
my mom knew about it ahead of time, because we needed some help hiding it in the house and all that. but my dad had no idea. it was great.
it was my sister laura's idea to do it. my dad does a lot for our family. he works really hard, and makes a lot of sacrifices for us. and he doesn't ever really do anything for himself, especially when it comes to buying stuff he "doesn't need." i'm kind of the same way. one of the parents at school gave me a gift card to target, and i'm totally planning on using it to buy...groceries. anyway, that's how my dad is. and the tv they have been using is really lame-o.
in fact, the only reason they even had one "that good" is because my grandparents bought themselves a new tv several years ago, and gave us their old one. before we had it, we had an even smaller tv that had some of those super cool rabbit ears hooked to the back. i vaguely remember having to position it in just the right spot to watch certain channels.
so we knew he'd never get a new tv.
and i got it on video. yay.
what's funny is that right before he opened the tv, my mom had given him a new coffee maker. and he was whining about how she didn't need to do that because his was "just fine" or something. he's not an ungrateful person. he just doesn't deal well with change, or spending money on things you don't need. and i am exactly the same.
anyway.
so that had happened right before this moment i captured on video.
all the presents had been opened, but there was one large box left. it was the tv stand for the new tv. so he was like "what about that? who is that for?" and my mom said "well that goes with something else they got you. they have to go upstairs and get it."
also, a few gifts had been wrapped in random boxes. my mom kept having to say "ignore the box, that's not what's inside..."
i make a really awesome joke that won't make sense without that information, ok.
note: my sisters have not mastered the "vacant, emotionless stare" as well as i have. the giggling is theirs.
my parents have had this tv for too many years:
and me and my sisters and grandparents combined forces and got him this 42" flat screen of awesomeness:
my mom knew about it ahead of time, because we needed some help hiding it in the house and all that. but my dad had no idea. it was great.
it was my sister laura's idea to do it. my dad does a lot for our family. he works really hard, and makes a lot of sacrifices for us. and he doesn't ever really do anything for himself, especially when it comes to buying stuff he "doesn't need." i'm kind of the same way. one of the parents at school gave me a gift card to target, and i'm totally planning on using it to buy...groceries. anyway, that's how my dad is. and the tv they have been using is really lame-o.
in fact, the only reason they even had one "that good" is because my grandparents bought themselves a new tv several years ago, and gave us their old one. before we had it, we had an even smaller tv that had some of those super cool rabbit ears hooked to the back. i vaguely remember having to position it in just the right spot to watch certain channels.
so we knew he'd never get a new tv.
and i got it on video. yay.
what's funny is that right before he opened the tv, my mom had given him a new coffee maker. and he was whining about how she didn't need to do that because his was "just fine" or something. he's not an ungrateful person. he just doesn't deal well with change, or spending money on things you don't need. and i am exactly the same.
anyway.
so that had happened right before this moment i captured on video.
all the presents had been opened, but there was one large box left. it was the tv stand for the new tv. so he was like "what about that? who is that for?" and my mom said "well that goes with something else they got you. they have to go upstairs and get it."
also, a few gifts had been wrapped in random boxes. my mom kept having to say "ignore the box, that's not what's inside..."
i make a really awesome joke that won't make sense without that information, ok.
note: my sisters have not mastered the "vacant, emotionless stare" as well as i have. the giggling is theirs.
Friday, December 26, 2008
dos.
i had lunch with an old friend today. we keep in touch, but don't see each other often since i have migrated to nashville. he's really funny, and really intelligent. his sense of humor is british. i wish he had a blog, so you could all experience his wit and acumen.
side note: my vocabulary (or should i say "lexicon") has really been out of control since i got back to texas. i'm not sure what's going on, but i like it.
anyway, we had some mexican food and talked for a couple hours. he recommended some books to put on my reading list...including RUSSIAN LITERATURE. i already feel more awesome, just for putting it on my list. and i recommended some music for him...you know, BEN SOLLEE. it was just really fun, that's all i'm saying.
i like vacation.
here's an entirely different topic:
this past sunday at church, we (the congregation) discussed the topic of missions for a few minutes. and the typical question was posed: "why should we be sending people far away, when there are so many hurting and lost people right where we live?"
i don't think this is a ridiculous question. but i did feel it had an obvious answer.
because Jesus said to. (of course as time goes on, more and more people around the world have been reached with the Gospel, so it's definately appropriate to stay where you are and minister to people in your community.)
but someone else's words were ringing in my ears while people were discussing it.
jim elliot, who else?
i love what he has to say on this topic. it's a question people posed to him before he sailed to ecuador.
enjoy.
(also, i'm not suggesting that anyone who doesn't do missions abroad is disobeying Christ. i just have an interest in missions, and have spent some time pursuing that. what's interesting is that now i feel more of a passion for the brokenness that exists where i am. so i identify with people who want to stay where they are, AND people who want to go. i just don't like people dismissing 'going' with that question. there may be many reasons for you or me not to go, but that isn't one of them.)
"So what if the well-fed church in the homeland needs stirring? They have the Scriptures, Moses, and the Prophets, and a whole lot more. Their condemnation is written on their bank books and in the dust on their Bible covers."
"The command is plain: you go into the whole world and announce the good news. It cannot be dispensationalized, typicalized, rationalized. It stands a clear command, possible of realization because of the Commander's following promise."
"You wonder why people choose fields away from the States when young people at home are drifting because no one wants to take time to listen to their problems. I'll tell you why I left. Because those Stateside young people have every opportunity to study, hear, and understand the Word of God in their own language, and these Indians have no opportunity whatsoever. I have had to make a cross of two logs, and lie down on it, to show the Indians what it means to crucify a man. When there is that much ignorance over here and so much knowledge and opportunity over there, I have no question in my mind why God sent me here. Those whimpering Stateside young people will wake up on the Day of Judgment condemned to worse fates than these demon-fearing Indians, because, having a Bible, they were bored with it - while these never heard of such a thing as writing."
"Our young men are going into the professional fields because they don't 'feel called' to the mission field. We don't need a call; we need a kick in the pants. We must begin thinking in terms of 'going out,' and stop our weeping because 'they won't come in.' Who wants to step into an igloo? The tombs themselves are not colder than the churches. May God send us forth."
God leads people differently. that's why some people stay and are missionaries where they are, and that's why some people go.
"I have not the foggiest idea how or where God will lead you. Of this I am sure. He will lead you and not let you miss your signs. Rest in this - it is His business to lead, command, impel, send, call, or whatever you want to call it. It is your business to obey, follow, move, respond, or what have you. This will sound meaningless to you, unconvincing and 'old stuff,' and that is what it should sound, for it is only a man's counsel. The sound of 'gentle stillness' after all the thunder and wind have passed will be the ultimate Word from God. Tarry long for it."
but i am inspired by the passion for the Aucas that Jim had. they killed him, and he knew they might. it's just neat. and i finished the book today, so this should be the last post about him for a long time.
"Then, after an answer from a prophet, Jehosephat, himself humbled and believing, charges his people: 'Believe in the Lord your God!' And then they broke out in singing! Singing, in the face of such a problem! Lord God, give me a faith that will take sufficient quiver out of me so that I can sing! Over the Aucas, Father, I want to sing."
side note: my vocabulary (or should i say "lexicon") has really been out of control since i got back to texas. i'm not sure what's going on, but i like it.
anyway, we had some mexican food and talked for a couple hours. he recommended some books to put on my reading list...including RUSSIAN LITERATURE. i already feel more awesome, just for putting it on my list. and i recommended some music for him...you know, BEN SOLLEE. it was just really fun, that's all i'm saying.
i like vacation.
here's an entirely different topic:
this past sunday at church, we (the congregation) discussed the topic of missions for a few minutes. and the typical question was posed: "why should we be sending people far away, when there are so many hurting and lost people right where we live?"
i don't think this is a ridiculous question. but i did feel it had an obvious answer.
because Jesus said to. (of course as time goes on, more and more people around the world have been reached with the Gospel, so it's definately appropriate to stay where you are and minister to people in your community.)
but someone else's words were ringing in my ears while people were discussing it.
jim elliot, who else?
i love what he has to say on this topic. it's a question people posed to him before he sailed to ecuador.
enjoy.
(also, i'm not suggesting that anyone who doesn't do missions abroad is disobeying Christ. i just have an interest in missions, and have spent some time pursuing that. what's interesting is that now i feel more of a passion for the brokenness that exists where i am. so i identify with people who want to stay where they are, AND people who want to go. i just don't like people dismissing 'going' with that question. there may be many reasons for you or me not to go, but that isn't one of them.)
"So what if the well-fed church in the homeland needs stirring? They have the Scriptures, Moses, and the Prophets, and a whole lot more. Their condemnation is written on their bank books and in the dust on their Bible covers."
"The command is plain: you go into the whole world and announce the good news. It cannot be dispensationalized, typicalized, rationalized. It stands a clear command, possible of realization because of the Commander's following promise."
"You wonder why people choose fields away from the States when young people at home are drifting because no one wants to take time to listen to their problems. I'll tell you why I left. Because those Stateside young people have every opportunity to study, hear, and understand the Word of God in their own language, and these Indians have no opportunity whatsoever. I have had to make a cross of two logs, and lie down on it, to show the Indians what it means to crucify a man. When there is that much ignorance over here and so much knowledge and opportunity over there, I have no question in my mind why God sent me here. Those whimpering Stateside young people will wake up on the Day of Judgment condemned to worse fates than these demon-fearing Indians, because, having a Bible, they were bored with it - while these never heard of such a thing as writing."
"Our young men are going into the professional fields because they don't 'feel called' to the mission field. We don't need a call; we need a kick in the pants. We must begin thinking in terms of 'going out,' and stop our weeping because 'they won't come in.' Who wants to step into an igloo? The tombs themselves are not colder than the churches. May God send us forth."
God leads people differently. that's why some people stay and are missionaries where they are, and that's why some people go.
"I have not the foggiest idea how or where God will lead you. Of this I am sure. He will lead you and not let you miss your signs. Rest in this - it is His business to lead, command, impel, send, call, or whatever you want to call it. It is your business to obey, follow, move, respond, or what have you. This will sound meaningless to you, unconvincing and 'old stuff,' and that is what it should sound, for it is only a man's counsel. The sound of 'gentle stillness' after all the thunder and wind have passed will be the ultimate Word from God. Tarry long for it."
but i am inspired by the passion for the Aucas that Jim had. they killed him, and he knew they might. it's just neat. and i finished the book today, so this should be the last post about him for a long time.
"Then, after an answer from a prophet, Jehosephat, himself humbled and believing, charges his people: 'Believe in the Lord your God!' And then they broke out in singing! Singing, in the face of such a problem! Lord God, give me a faith that will take sufficient quiver out of me so that I can sing! Over the Aucas, Father, I want to sing."
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
X
just got back from the Christmas eve service at the church i grew up in.
i enjoyed it.
i'm not a fan of Christmasy things. i like Christ, mind you. just not Christmasy things. there's a difference. if you want to call me a scrooge, i'm just going to have to call you a pagan. so let's not go there.
we were singing some carols and stuff, led by the choir. and that was kind of cute because the whole front row was old people, and they were sitting down, worn out from their long day of 5 services. so they just sat and sang while the others stood. anyway, then this girl got up and sang "o holy night." a Christmas eve service staple. i was into it. i started feeling that Christmas feeling, you know.
but then i realized...we're missing something. what is it. what is it?
oh, i know.
what we need is for a little girl to read the Christmas story. and while she's doing that, we need a group of children to come on stage and become the living nativity. and some of them should definately dress up like animals.
and then a little boy should sing "happy birthday, Jesus."
and sure enough, that's what we got.
gotta love it.
and i do. in a surreal kind of way.
also, this is houston. and apparently everyone here feels left out of the "white" part of Christmas. so while we were all in the service, they had some people come and blow a bunch of fake snow in the parking lot so everyone could throw fake snowballs at each other.
this is really my life. sometimes i can't believe it.
i enjoyed it.
i'm not a fan of Christmasy things. i like Christ, mind you. just not Christmasy things. there's a difference. if you want to call me a scrooge, i'm just going to have to call you a pagan. so let's not go there.
we were singing some carols and stuff, led by the choir. and that was kind of cute because the whole front row was old people, and they were sitting down, worn out from their long day of 5 services. so they just sat and sang while the others stood. anyway, then this girl got up and sang "o holy night." a Christmas eve service staple. i was into it. i started feeling that Christmas feeling, you know.
but then i realized...we're missing something. what is it. what is it?
oh, i know.
what we need is for a little girl to read the Christmas story. and while she's doing that, we need a group of children to come on stage and become the living nativity. and some of them should definately dress up like animals.
and then a little boy should sing "happy birthday, Jesus."
and sure enough, that's what we got.
gotta love it.
and i do. in a surreal kind of way.
also, this is houston. and apparently everyone here feels left out of the "white" part of Christmas. so while we were all in the service, they had some people come and blow a bunch of fake snow in the parking lot so everyone could throw fake snowballs at each other.
this is really my life. sometimes i can't believe it.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
a different jim.
i am halfway through my copy of shadow of the almighty. i've underlined a lot of quotes. a lot. a whole lot. i'm going to put some here. i won't be commenting on them, because... i can't follow jim elliot! whatever. but i'll start with two quotes from elisabeth, the author. his wife.
she doesn't like people talking about how cool jim was (which means she'd hate my blog...), so she ends the preface by saying:
"Was his life extraordinary? I offer these pages so that the reader may decide for himself. If his answer is yes - if he finds herein the 'stamp of Christ,' and decides that this is extraordinary - what shall we say of the state of Christendom?"
yeah...
it is sad to marvel at the quotes of someone who is just another human like me. being captivated by Christ and not bothered by nonsense should be the norm in my life.
but i do like that she includes some words about people being impressed by martyrs. i mentioned a few weeks ago when i started re-reading this that i wasn't really moved by that part of the story.
"Is the distinction between living for Christ and dying for Him, after all, so great? Is not the second the logical conclusion of the first?"
two elisabeth quotes, and i'm moving on. the rest are from jim. hopefully you're not like me, and you'll read these and think "yeah i wrote that in MY journal this morning..."
this is long, but well worth your time. ALSO, there are two quotes about his thoughts on Christmas. which make me feel way better about MINE. i get a lot of grief for hating Christmas trees, and twinkly lights, and songs about bells and snowflakes. i like Jesus. i like Christmas. i hate all the extras. and so did jim elliot! so maybe you think i'm a super lame person, but we're talking about jim elliot here. a martyr. i'm just saying.
"Lord, make my way prosperous, not that I achieve high station, but that my life may be an exhibit to the value of knowing God."
"God is still on His throne, we're still on His footstool, and there's only a knee's distance between!"
"I lack the fervency, vitality, life in prayer which I long for. I know that many consider it fanaticism when they hear anything which does not conform to the conventional, sleep-inducing eulogies so often rising from Laodicean lips; but I know too that these same people can acquiescently tolerate sin in their lives and in the church without so much as tilting one hair of their eyebrows. Cold prayers, like cold suitors, are seldom effective in their aims."
"Missionaries are very human folks, just doing what they are asked. Simply a bunch of nobodies trying to exalt Somebody."
"No one warns young people to follow Adam's example. He waited till God saw his need. Then God made Adam sleep, prepared for his mate, and brought her to him. We need more of this 'being asleep' in the will of God. Then we can receive what He brings us in His own time, if at all. Instead we are set as bloodhounds after a partner, considering everyone we see until our minds are so concerned with the sex problem that we can talk of nothing else when bull-session time comes around."
"The Word of God is not bound! It's free to say what it will to the individual and no one can outline it into dispensations which cannot be broken. Don't get it down 'cold,' but let it live - fresh, warm, and vibrant - so that the world is not binding ponderous books about it, but rather is shackling you for having allowed it to have free course in your life."
(ok...one comment here. he wasn't a fan of studying theology, which is the opposite of me. but his point is still good...)
"Pray. That saint who advances on his knees never retreats."
"Of the flesh and its false emotions I have quite had my fill. Of Jesus I cannot seem to get enough. Thank God, though, He does not thwart the soul's desire for Himself, but only whets the desire, intensifying, sublimating."
"Father, save them, I pray; grace only makes me differ."
"All I have asked has not been given, and the Father's withholding has served only to intensify my desires. He knows that the 'hungrier' one is, the more appreciative he becomes of food, and if I have gotten nothing else from this year's experience He has given me a hunger for Himself I have never experienced before. He only promises water to the thirsty, salvation to the unsatisfied (I do not say dissatisfied), filling to those famished for righteousness."
"...we best learn patience by practicing it."
"Because I cannot see, nor even assuredly feel, His satisfaction with me, I cannot doubt the leading simply because of the dark. The leading is nonetheless real, the pathway has simply been into a place I didn't expect or ask for."
"Lord Jesus, I thank Thee that Thou didst banish the very principle of distance on that Cross. Thou wast forsaken, thrust away from God, that Thou shouldst bring me near. GRACE! All grace."
"How deaf must be the deafness of the ear which has never heard the story; how blind the eye that has not looked on Christ for light; how pressed the soul that has no hope of glory; how hideous the fate of man who knoweth only night! God arouse us to care, to feel as He Himself does for their welfare."
"Joy and peace can only come in believing, and that is all I can say to Him tonight. Lord, I believe. I don't love, I don't feel, I don't understand, I can only believe. Bring Thou faith to fruition, Great Harvest Lord. Produce in me, I pray."
"By His grace I shall not have His second best."
"Discouragement is a Satanic tool that seems to fit my disposition and the Enemy knows it...Well, all my doubts and fears (hinges on which swing the gates of Hell) cannot prevail to take Him from His throne nor stop Him from the building of His Church."
"Personally, I wasn't 'saved' all at once, but took some years coming into my present settled convictions about the truth of God. So why should I demand that conversion be immediate in others? Christ healed men differently. Some...He spoke a word, and there was a lightning-fast reaction. Others He touched, spat upon, made clay, spoke to and questioned...Let not him who accepts light in an instant despise him who gropes months in shadows. It took the Twelve three years to apprehend what was being shown them. The natural, so often illustrative of the spiritual, teaches that healing and growth, yea, even birth, are processes, and I think we altar-callers often perform abortions in our haste to see 'results.'"
"We are so utterly ordinary, so commonplace, while we profess to know a Power the Twentieth Century does not reckon with. But we are 'harmless,' and therefore unharmed. We are spiritual pacifists, non-militants, conscientious objectors in this battle-to-the-death with principalities and powers in high places. Meekness must be had for contact with men, but brass, outspoken boldness is required to take part in the comradeship of the Cross. We are 'sideliners' - coaching and criticizing the real wrestlers while content to sit by and leave the enemies of God unchallenged. The world cannot hate us, we are too much like its own."
"I think the devil has made it his business to monopolize on three elements: noise, hurry, crowds. If he can keep us hearing radios, gossip, conversation, or even sermons, he is happy. But he will not allow quietness. For he believes Isaiah where we do not. Satan is quite aware of the power of silence. The voice of God, though persistent, is soft."
"And now men talk of Christ-mass - weird monstrosity and mixture of bright lights, reindeer, tissue paper and scraggly evergreens; jumbled mobs, bargain-baited, 'striving after wind', singing 'Silent Night' - but what know they of Immanuel?"
"...do away with all waverings, bewilderment, and wonder. You have bargained for a cross. Overcome anything in the confidence of your union with Him, so that contemplating trial, enduring persecution or loneliness, you may know the blessings of the 'joy set before.' 'We are the sheep of His pasture. Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, and into His courts with praise.' And what are sheep doing going into the gate? What is their purpose inside those courts? To bleat melodies and enjoy the company of the flock? No. Those sheep were destined for the altar. Their pasture feeding had been for one purpose, to test them and fatten them for bloody sacrifice. Give Him thanks, then, that you have been counted worthy of His altars. Enter into the work with praise."
"I blush to think of things I have said, as if I knew something about what Scripture teaches."
"One does not surrender a life in an instant. That which is lifelong can only be surrendered in a lifetime."
"Just today I was thinking of how God loves in spite of all my sin and has promised to bring us to the 'desired haven.'...He loves through all these things - makes them seem too worthless even to be thought upon. I know them. God knows them. I confess them. He forgives them. Oh that I might praise Him worthily!"
"I see clearly now that anything, whatever it is, if it be not on the principle of grace, it is not of God. Here shall be my plea in weakness; here shall be my boldness in prayer; here shall be my deliverance in temptation; at last, here shall be my translation. Not of grace? Then not of God."
"I think there is nothing so startling in all the graces of God as His quietness."
"The practice at Christmas has gotten to be such a commercialized hoax that I will be sincerely glad when all good Christians abandon it. The excitement of the weekend left us all weary-eyed and untalkative at supper tonight. Seems to me we would have a better attitude toward the whole thing if someone would write a realistic poem on the 'Night After Christmas,' to counterbalance the magical effects of the imaginative 'Night Before.'
and this is his most famous quote:
"One of the great blessings of heaven is the appreciation of heaven on earth. He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose."
she doesn't like people talking about how cool jim was (which means she'd hate my blog...), so she ends the preface by saying:
"Was his life extraordinary? I offer these pages so that the reader may decide for himself. If his answer is yes - if he finds herein the 'stamp of Christ,' and decides that this is extraordinary - what shall we say of the state of Christendom?"
yeah...
it is sad to marvel at the quotes of someone who is just another human like me. being captivated by Christ and not bothered by nonsense should be the norm in my life.
but i do like that she includes some words about people being impressed by martyrs. i mentioned a few weeks ago when i started re-reading this that i wasn't really moved by that part of the story.
"Is the distinction between living for Christ and dying for Him, after all, so great? Is not the second the logical conclusion of the first?"
two elisabeth quotes, and i'm moving on. the rest are from jim. hopefully you're not like me, and you'll read these and think "yeah i wrote that in MY journal this morning..."
this is long, but well worth your time. ALSO, there are two quotes about his thoughts on Christmas. which make me feel way better about MINE. i get a lot of grief for hating Christmas trees, and twinkly lights, and songs about bells and snowflakes. i like Jesus. i like Christmas. i hate all the extras. and so did jim elliot! so maybe you think i'm a super lame person, but we're talking about jim elliot here. a martyr. i'm just saying.
"Lord, make my way prosperous, not that I achieve high station, but that my life may be an exhibit to the value of knowing God."
"God is still on His throne, we're still on His footstool, and there's only a knee's distance between!"
"I lack the fervency, vitality, life in prayer which I long for. I know that many consider it fanaticism when they hear anything which does not conform to the conventional, sleep-inducing eulogies so often rising from Laodicean lips; but I know too that these same people can acquiescently tolerate sin in their lives and in the church without so much as tilting one hair of their eyebrows. Cold prayers, like cold suitors, are seldom effective in their aims."
"Missionaries are very human folks, just doing what they are asked. Simply a bunch of nobodies trying to exalt Somebody."
"No one warns young people to follow Adam's example. He waited till God saw his need. Then God made Adam sleep, prepared for his mate, and brought her to him. We need more of this 'being asleep' in the will of God. Then we can receive what He brings us in His own time, if at all. Instead we are set as bloodhounds after a partner, considering everyone we see until our minds are so concerned with the sex problem that we can talk of nothing else when bull-session time comes around."
"The Word of God is not bound! It's free to say what it will to the individual and no one can outline it into dispensations which cannot be broken. Don't get it down 'cold,' but let it live - fresh, warm, and vibrant - so that the world is not binding ponderous books about it, but rather is shackling you for having allowed it to have free course in your life."
(ok...one comment here. he wasn't a fan of studying theology, which is the opposite of me. but his point is still good...)
"Pray. That saint who advances on his knees never retreats."
"Of the flesh and its false emotions I have quite had my fill. Of Jesus I cannot seem to get enough. Thank God, though, He does not thwart the soul's desire for Himself, but only whets the desire, intensifying, sublimating."
"Father, save them, I pray; grace only makes me differ."
"All I have asked has not been given, and the Father's withholding has served only to intensify my desires. He knows that the 'hungrier' one is, the more appreciative he becomes of food, and if I have gotten nothing else from this year's experience He has given me a hunger for Himself I have never experienced before. He only promises water to the thirsty, salvation to the unsatisfied (I do not say dissatisfied), filling to those famished for righteousness."
"...we best learn patience by practicing it."
"Because I cannot see, nor even assuredly feel, His satisfaction with me, I cannot doubt the leading simply because of the dark. The leading is nonetheless real, the pathway has simply been into a place I didn't expect or ask for."
"Lord Jesus, I thank Thee that Thou didst banish the very principle of distance on that Cross. Thou wast forsaken, thrust away from God, that Thou shouldst bring me near. GRACE! All grace."
"How deaf must be the deafness of the ear which has never heard the story; how blind the eye that has not looked on Christ for light; how pressed the soul that has no hope of glory; how hideous the fate of man who knoweth only night! God arouse us to care, to feel as He Himself does for their welfare."
"Joy and peace can only come in believing, and that is all I can say to Him tonight. Lord, I believe. I don't love, I don't feel, I don't understand, I can only believe. Bring Thou faith to fruition, Great Harvest Lord. Produce in me, I pray."
"By His grace I shall not have His second best."
"Discouragement is a Satanic tool that seems to fit my disposition and the Enemy knows it...Well, all my doubts and fears (hinges on which swing the gates of Hell) cannot prevail to take Him from His throne nor stop Him from the building of His Church."
"Personally, I wasn't 'saved' all at once, but took some years coming into my present settled convictions about the truth of God. So why should I demand that conversion be immediate in others? Christ healed men differently. Some...He spoke a word, and there was a lightning-fast reaction. Others He touched, spat upon, made clay, spoke to and questioned...Let not him who accepts light in an instant despise him who gropes months in shadows. It took the Twelve three years to apprehend what was being shown them. The natural, so often illustrative of the spiritual, teaches that healing and growth, yea, even birth, are processes, and I think we altar-callers often perform abortions in our haste to see 'results.'"
"We are so utterly ordinary, so commonplace, while we profess to know a Power the Twentieth Century does not reckon with. But we are 'harmless,' and therefore unharmed. We are spiritual pacifists, non-militants, conscientious objectors in this battle-to-the-death with principalities and powers in high places. Meekness must be had for contact with men, but brass, outspoken boldness is required to take part in the comradeship of the Cross. We are 'sideliners' - coaching and criticizing the real wrestlers while content to sit by and leave the enemies of God unchallenged. The world cannot hate us, we are too much like its own."
"I think the devil has made it his business to monopolize on three elements: noise, hurry, crowds. If he can keep us hearing radios, gossip, conversation, or even sermons, he is happy. But he will not allow quietness. For he believes Isaiah where we do not. Satan is quite aware of the power of silence. The voice of God, though persistent, is soft."
"And now men talk of Christ-mass - weird monstrosity and mixture of bright lights, reindeer, tissue paper and scraggly evergreens; jumbled mobs, bargain-baited, 'striving after wind', singing 'Silent Night' - but what know they of Immanuel?"
"...do away with all waverings, bewilderment, and wonder. You have bargained for a cross. Overcome anything in the confidence of your union with Him, so that contemplating trial, enduring persecution or loneliness, you may know the blessings of the 'joy set before.' 'We are the sheep of His pasture. Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, and into His courts with praise.' And what are sheep doing going into the gate? What is their purpose inside those courts? To bleat melodies and enjoy the company of the flock? No. Those sheep were destined for the altar. Their pasture feeding had been for one purpose, to test them and fatten them for bloody sacrifice. Give Him thanks, then, that you have been counted worthy of His altars. Enter into the work with praise."
"I blush to think of things I have said, as if I knew something about what Scripture teaches."
"One does not surrender a life in an instant. That which is lifelong can only be surrendered in a lifetime."
"Just today I was thinking of how God loves in spite of all my sin and has promised to bring us to the 'desired haven.'...He loves through all these things - makes them seem too worthless even to be thought upon. I know them. God knows them. I confess them. He forgives them. Oh that I might praise Him worthily!"
"I see clearly now that anything, whatever it is, if it be not on the principle of grace, it is not of God. Here shall be my plea in weakness; here shall be my boldness in prayer; here shall be my deliverance in temptation; at last, here shall be my translation. Not of grace? Then not of God."
"I think there is nothing so startling in all the graces of God as His quietness."
"The practice at Christmas has gotten to be such a commercialized hoax that I will be sincerely glad when all good Christians abandon it. The excitement of the weekend left us all weary-eyed and untalkative at supper tonight. Seems to me we would have a better attitude toward the whole thing if someone would write a realistic poem on the 'Night After Christmas,' to counterbalance the magical effects of the imaginative 'Night Before.'
and this is his most famous quote:
"One of the great blessings of heaven is the appreciation of heaven on earth. He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose."
Friday, December 19, 2008
have i won you over yet?
i just called my grandparents to talk to them about my uncle jim who passed away a few days ago.
i'll be keeping the emotional details of that phone call to myself...
but i would like to submit an idea to the general public. i think we should all take part in more 3-way phone conversations.
you know the kind i'm talking about. when you call your grandparents (or whoever) and your grandpa answers the phone, and then grandma goes into another room and gets on that phone. then you talk to grandma for several minutes, and haven't heard grandpa say a word, so you assume he hung up. and then all of a sudden he chimes in and scares the crap out of you. that kind of phone call.
it's the best kind of phone call. i really believe this.
so that was fun. here's a little snippet of the conversation...
grandma: you should find a job out here. we're good people out here.
me: that's so true. you are.
grandma: but i know you have to make that decision yourself. you have to be happy where you are.
me: also true.
grandma: i know it would be hard to leave your friends, but you could make new ones. you wouldn't have any trouble with that sweet smile of yours.
me: thanks grandma! that's really nice.
grandma: it's true. you have a really sweet smile. it's the kind of smile that can win friends and influence people.
i have no words...
i'll be keeping the emotional details of that phone call to myself...
but i would like to submit an idea to the general public. i think we should all take part in more 3-way phone conversations.
you know the kind i'm talking about. when you call your grandparents (or whoever) and your grandpa answers the phone, and then grandma goes into another room and gets on that phone. then you talk to grandma for several minutes, and haven't heard grandpa say a word, so you assume he hung up. and then all of a sudden he chimes in and scares the crap out of you. that kind of phone call.
it's the best kind of phone call. i really believe this.
so that was fun. here's a little snippet of the conversation...
grandma: you should find a job out here. we're good people out here.
me: that's so true. you are.
grandma: but i know you have to make that decision yourself. you have to be happy where you are.
me: also true.
grandma: i know it would be hard to leave your friends, but you could make new ones. you wouldn't have any trouble with that sweet smile of yours.
me: thanks grandma! that's really nice.
grandma: it's true. you have a really sweet smile. it's the kind of smile that can win friends and influence people.
i have no words...
i like my bed.
today when the weather was SO GOOD, i looked out the window and wanted to take a nap in the grass.
in other news, i discovered something else about me that is weird.
i'm going to do something so strange tonight...
i wake up at 6am on weekdays. if i was ambitious in the morning, it would be even earlier. i hate the morning. i think 6am is really early. no matter how early i go to sleep, it still feels bad. after i do my whiney, groany "i don't want to get out of bed, i want to stay right here under the covers..." bit, i get over it and start the day. but i always think it would be really fun to go right back to sleep.
don't we all?
so i have a brilliant plan to enhance my enjoyment of sleep tonight. because really, who enjoys their sleep WHILE it's happening? no one. once you wake up, you either want to go back to sleep and can't...or you've slept really well, and feel really good...but OH WELL, you're already awake. you enjoy feeling rested, but you don't enjoy sleeping. because you're awake.
sleep is a hard thing to appreciate.
so tonight i am setting my alarm for 6am, just like every morning.
it's going to go off, annoy me, and make me whine. i'm going to wish i could go back to sleep.
and then i'll remember...
"you can. you CAN go back to sleep!!!"
and it's going to be so fun.
in other news, i discovered something else about me that is weird.
i'm going to do something so strange tonight...
i wake up at 6am on weekdays. if i was ambitious in the morning, it would be even earlier. i hate the morning. i think 6am is really early. no matter how early i go to sleep, it still feels bad. after i do my whiney, groany "i don't want to get out of bed, i want to stay right here under the covers..." bit, i get over it and start the day. but i always think it would be really fun to go right back to sleep.
don't we all?
so i have a brilliant plan to enhance my enjoyment of sleep tonight. because really, who enjoys their sleep WHILE it's happening? no one. once you wake up, you either want to go back to sleep and can't...or you've slept really well, and feel really good...but OH WELL, you're already awake. you enjoy feeling rested, but you don't enjoy sleeping. because you're awake.
sleep is a hard thing to appreciate.
so tonight i am setting my alarm for 6am, just like every morning.
it's going to go off, annoy me, and make me whine. i'm going to wish i could go back to sleep.
and then i'll remember...
"you can. you CAN go back to sleep!!!"
and it's going to be so fun.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
it's worse than snow.
some wednesday ramblings.
we didn't go on the playground at work today, because it was cold and misty. (i'll get back to THAT in a moment...) so we had to think of creative ways to entertain the children during our playground time. we chose bubbles. i started blowing bubbles, and they ambushed me. there was so much glee. they love bubbles. while they were running around me trying to catch the bubbles, one of the little girls got so excited she actually yelled "happy birthday, guys!"
now let me offer my thoughts on the almost-rain. do you know what i'm talking about? it's almost raining, but it's not actually raining. it's misting. it makes me want to scream. not only is it cold, but this weird mist thing going on keeps fogging the windows in my car up. which means i have to turn the defroster thingy on, instead of the HEAT. and THEN, to make matters worse, there's not even enough "mist" to make the wipers necessary...but there's just enough to where i can't see very well through the window. so i have to turn the wipers on, but they make a terrible screeching noise since there's basically nothing between them and the windshield.
it is not awesome. i hate it. i'd rather the roads be covered in sparkly death.
you know, snow. i have a picture that captures the spirit of snow.
i know what you're thinking. "oh look at that, how pretty! there's a bench covered in snow!" but guess what. lots of people walked by that bench that day, really tired and worn out from their day, and they couldn't sit down. you want to know why? because of the SNOW.
tangent.
some closing thoughts:
the phrase "pull the plug" is incredibly offensive, and i will never use it again. not when referring to a human life. it took on new meaning this week. my uncle passed away today. my aunt faced some tough decisions, and i REALLY hope no one phrased them to her that way.
we didn't go on the playground at work today, because it was cold and misty. (i'll get back to THAT in a moment...) so we had to think of creative ways to entertain the children during our playground time. we chose bubbles. i started blowing bubbles, and they ambushed me. there was so much glee. they love bubbles. while they were running around me trying to catch the bubbles, one of the little girls got so excited she actually yelled "happy birthday, guys!"
now let me offer my thoughts on the almost-rain. do you know what i'm talking about? it's almost raining, but it's not actually raining. it's misting. it makes me want to scream. not only is it cold, but this weird mist thing going on keeps fogging the windows in my car up. which means i have to turn the defroster thingy on, instead of the HEAT. and THEN, to make matters worse, there's not even enough "mist" to make the wipers necessary...but there's just enough to where i can't see very well through the window. so i have to turn the wipers on, but they make a terrible screeching noise since there's basically nothing between them and the windshield.
it is not awesome. i hate it. i'd rather the roads be covered in sparkly death.
you know, snow. i have a picture that captures the spirit of snow.
i know what you're thinking. "oh look at that, how pretty! there's a bench covered in snow!" but guess what. lots of people walked by that bench that day, really tired and worn out from their day, and they couldn't sit down. you want to know why? because of the SNOW.
tangent.
some closing thoughts:
the phrase "pull the plug" is incredibly offensive, and i will never use it again. not when referring to a human life. it took on new meaning this week. my uncle passed away today. my aunt faced some tough decisions, and i REALLY hope no one phrased them to her that way.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
uncle jim.
that's my uncle jim with his second grandson.
my uncle is in the hospital, and it doesn't look good. my aunt beverly faces some tough decisions about "what to do" because at this point, the machines are keeping him alive.
it came suddenly. i guess these things always do.
um, i'm so not a fan of morbidity or sadness.*
i want to share a story about my uncle jim.
in may we were all at my grandparents' place, celebrating my grandma's 90th birthday. after the party with all her friends and neighbors (i had no idea my grandma was more popular than i am...), a few of us went back to their house to hang out.
and that's when this conversation took place. and i think it really captures my uncle's essence.
grandma: did you know that five generations back...
uncle jim: we KNOW mom, we know. five generations back on grandpa's side of the family, was alexander hamilton. the guy on the ten dollar bill. he's our grandpa. we KNOW.
grandma: well i was just telling allison, in case she didn't know.
me: i know.
uncle jim: that's nothing. guess what we found out...beverly, tell them who your mom said was in your family, however many generations back. john wilkes booth. tell them.
aunt beverly: oh, shut up.
uncle jim: that's right. john wilkes booth! alexander hamilton is a weakling compared to him. he whacked lincoln! that was a heck of a trick.
there are only two things that could make this memory better. 1) if i had managed to capture it on video. 2) if my grandma thought we were related to abraham lincoln, and not alexander hamiltion.
*i don't mean to downplay the grief of my relatives by sharing this. it's a very hard time for them. especially my grandparents who do NOTHING but love their family. that's all they do. and my aunt, who has to be reminded of her grief when she goes home and has to do his dirty laundry, or unwrap his gifts under the tree next week. and his only daughter jamie, who ranted for years about how she would rather be single than marry anyone who wasn't exactly like her dad. this is just how i wanted to speak of him. and this is just how i deal with hard things, in general.
Monday, December 15, 2008
they came, they went.
i just had a really great weekend, with really great friends. some of my BEST friends came to nashville to see one of us get married. good times were had.
when i got back from work today, the silence in my apartment hit me a little harder than i thought it would.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
real life.
I see the young girl huddled on the brothel floor
I see the man with a passion come and kicking down the door
that's a couple lines from the sara groves song i mentioned a couple days ago.
she's speaking about an organization called
international justice mission. a team of lawyers actually travel to other countries, and free sex slaves based on that country's laws. they say it takes about $1,000 for the whole legal process.
the young girl in the song is a real girl, it's not just a nice lyric. they've saved actual people from that life. i can't even imagine what that must be like. to feel so hopeless, and so alone. so used, and so worthless. and then to have someone come in and say "you're free." how do you even process that?
and to think of all that Christ has done for me! i'm not a victim. there's no injustice in Him leaving me to pay for my own sinful choices. but He came with a passion to rescue me. some days i don't know how to process that.
anyway, check out IJM. give them your money.
I see the man with a passion come and kicking down the door
that's a couple lines from the sara groves song i mentioned a couple days ago.
she's speaking about an organization called
international justice mission. a team of lawyers actually travel to other countries, and free sex slaves based on that country's laws. they say it takes about $1,000 for the whole legal process.
the young girl in the song is a real girl, it's not just a nice lyric. they've saved actual people from that life. i can't even imagine what that must be like. to feel so hopeless, and so alone. so used, and so worthless. and then to have someone come in and say "you're free." how do you even process that?
and to think of all that Christ has done for me! i'm not a victim. there's no injustice in Him leaving me to pay for my own sinful choices. but He came with a passion to rescue me. some days i don't know how to process that.
anyway, check out IJM. give them your money.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
shadows
today i did some major cleaning. i have some friends coming later this week, so i was cleaning the dark corners of my apartment that i never pay attention to.
and it was really fun. because while i cleaned i listened to BEN SOLLEE. i haven't listened to him in a few weeks. i forgot he's amazing. but i remember now.
it was also really good to be doing something. if i sit around and watch tv, my mind starts feeling burdened again.
work is not going well. as usual. but today we got another threatening memo. as in, she threatened to fire us if we don't do certain things. we get those every now and then. today's topic was showing up to work on time. this is not an issue for me. but it's still rough to get those kinds of notes. because one day she might just be annoyed with something i don't do well, and threaten to fire me for that.
plus there's the car accident issues. it has officially been a MONTH since the accident now. i'm so tired of having this on my mind. every minute of every day, it's there. my insurance told me i need to be calling the other insurance lady EVERY DAY, to get her to do her job. which means i can't push the thoughts away, i have to acknowledge them every day. but my dad said i shouldn't call every day, i should just sit back and wait to see what happens. so i don't know what i'm supposed to do. if i don't call, i think "i should have called." and if i do call, i think "i shouldn't have done that. she's going to get annoyed and do something bad." either way, i worry. i need this to be over, so bad. i want to move on. i want to live my life again.
i am still enjoying reading one of my jim elliot books. i bought them all on ebay a while ago, but i haven't read them since i bought them. so it's fun because i finally get to underline all my favorite quotes. it's fun to rediscover them. they're so familiar. today i found a couple that i somehow missed before:
"Somehow I've had trouble resting in His love the last couple of days but find afresh the truth of Romans 15:13, 'in believing' we find joy and peace. I've found it hard to do just that, doubting in darkness what God made lucidly clear in the light. But the soul is built for struggle and the Spirit given to comfort and sustain. What a wretched ingrate I am for all the blessings He has laid to me, signs that He is designing my life. Faith is to be the life-blood of the just, but my spirit's circulating system is a little sluggish, I fear."
"...but are we so childish (I do not say childlike) as to think that a God who could scheme a Jesus-plan would lead poor pilgrims into situations they could not bear? Dost thou believe that God doth answer prayer, my heart? Yea, I believe. Then will He not most assuredly answer that frequent cry of thine, 'Lead me, Lord'? I am as confident of God's leading as I am of His salvation."
i wonder what tomorrow brings.
"I see the man of sorrows and his long troubled road
I see the world on his shoulders and my easy load" - Sara Groves
and it was really fun. because while i cleaned i listened to BEN SOLLEE. i haven't listened to him in a few weeks. i forgot he's amazing. but i remember now.
it was also really good to be doing something. if i sit around and watch tv, my mind starts feeling burdened again.
work is not going well. as usual. but today we got another threatening memo. as in, she threatened to fire us if we don't do certain things. we get those every now and then. today's topic was showing up to work on time. this is not an issue for me. but it's still rough to get those kinds of notes. because one day she might just be annoyed with something i don't do well, and threaten to fire me for that.
plus there's the car accident issues. it has officially been a MONTH since the accident now. i'm so tired of having this on my mind. every minute of every day, it's there. my insurance told me i need to be calling the other insurance lady EVERY DAY, to get her to do her job. which means i can't push the thoughts away, i have to acknowledge them every day. but my dad said i shouldn't call every day, i should just sit back and wait to see what happens. so i don't know what i'm supposed to do. if i don't call, i think "i should have called." and if i do call, i think "i shouldn't have done that. she's going to get annoyed and do something bad." either way, i worry. i need this to be over, so bad. i want to move on. i want to live my life again.
i am still enjoying reading one of my jim elliot books. i bought them all on ebay a while ago, but i haven't read them since i bought them. so it's fun because i finally get to underline all my favorite quotes. it's fun to rediscover them. they're so familiar. today i found a couple that i somehow missed before:
"Somehow I've had trouble resting in His love the last couple of days but find afresh the truth of Romans 15:13, 'in believing' we find joy and peace. I've found it hard to do just that, doubting in darkness what God made lucidly clear in the light. But the soul is built for struggle and the Spirit given to comfort and sustain. What a wretched ingrate I am for all the blessings He has laid to me, signs that He is designing my life. Faith is to be the life-blood of the just, but my spirit's circulating system is a little sluggish, I fear."
"...but are we so childish (I do not say childlike) as to think that a God who could scheme a Jesus-plan would lead poor pilgrims into situations they could not bear? Dost thou believe that God doth answer prayer, my heart? Yea, I believe. Then will He not most assuredly answer that frequent cry of thine, 'Lead me, Lord'? I am as confident of God's leading as I am of His salvation."
i wonder what tomorrow brings.
"I see the man of sorrows and his long troubled road
I see the world on his shoulders and my easy load" - Sara Groves
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Saturday, December 6, 2008
when the saints
i went to the art music justice tour in october. sara groves sang this song called "when the saints" that night and it's a GREAT song. i just remembered i loved it. the last minute or so of the song is her mentioning people that have "gone before" that inspire us, and there's a couple lines about the missionaries who were killed in ecuador in the 50's.
i seriously can't put a finger on why this story means so much to me. i can't tell you how many times i've read it, and thought about it. it's not because they're martyrs. it has something to do with their complete love for the indians. it shaped their entire life. when they'd fly in their little airplane over the huts, and drop little trinkets to develop a trust between them...they were so enthusiastic about it. i remember one journal entry that stuck out to me was when the line got caught or something, so the indian had to hold onto it for a minute, and jim wrote something about how he couldn't believe that they were both holding on to different ends of the rope...connected, but not really, but longing for the day when he could share Christ with them...he was just so excited at the small progress they'd made in their efforts...
see what i mean? i can't explain it.
in elisabeth elliot's books, she is ALWAYS quoting and mentioning someone named "amy carmichael." like, all the time. it can be kind of redundant. but i understand, because that's how i feel about jim elliot and the other missionaries that were killed with him. the story never gets old. i'm enjoying reading it again.
i want to have that kind of passion. it's taking shape, but i'm not really sure what to do with it.
anyway, blah blah, so when i heard sara sing that song at her concert, and saw them flash images of jim elliot, i was really "moved" or whatever you want to call it. because it's something very "special" to me or something. i hate sounding so cheesy.
here's something not cheesy:
the other night i dreamed about jim elliot. i dreamed that he wasn't really killed. i dreamed they took him captive, and we all just misunderstood and thought he was dead, but really he wasn't. and they just discovered he was alive after all these years, and there was much rejoicing. especially when he and elisabeth reconnected, and he found out that her third husband was dead (not true in real life), so he was like "score. we can be together again."
weird dream.
here's the song that some nutso added pictures to. there are some RANDOM pictures on here. but if you start watching at 2:15, you'll hear the part i love, and see the pictures that i can always immediately recognize and identify, because of how often i look at them...
and the song lyrics:
Lord I have a heavy burden of all I've seen and know
It's more than I can handle
But your word is burning like a fire shut up in my bones
and I cannot let it go
And when I'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought
I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard
I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
Lord it's all that I can't carry and cannot leave behind
it often overwhelms me
but when I think of all who've gone before and lived the faithful life
their courage compells me
And when I'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought
I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard
I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars
I see the shepherd Moses in the Pharohs court
I hear his call for freedom for the people of the Lord
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
I see the long quiet walk along the Underground Railroad
I see the slave awakening to the value of her soul
I see the young missionary and the angry spear
I see his family returning with no trace of fear
I see the long hard shadows of Calcutta nights
I see the sisters standing by the dying man's side
I see the young girl huddled on the brothel floor
I see the man with a passion come and kicking down the door
I see the man of sorrows and his long troubled road
I see the world on his shoulders and my easy load
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
i seriously can't put a finger on why this story means so much to me. i can't tell you how many times i've read it, and thought about it. it's not because they're martyrs. it has something to do with their complete love for the indians. it shaped their entire life. when they'd fly in their little airplane over the huts, and drop little trinkets to develop a trust between them...they were so enthusiastic about it. i remember one journal entry that stuck out to me was when the line got caught or something, so the indian had to hold onto it for a minute, and jim wrote something about how he couldn't believe that they were both holding on to different ends of the rope...connected, but not really, but longing for the day when he could share Christ with them...he was just so excited at the small progress they'd made in their efforts...
see what i mean? i can't explain it.
in elisabeth elliot's books, she is ALWAYS quoting and mentioning someone named "amy carmichael." like, all the time. it can be kind of redundant. but i understand, because that's how i feel about jim elliot and the other missionaries that were killed with him. the story never gets old. i'm enjoying reading it again.
i want to have that kind of passion. it's taking shape, but i'm not really sure what to do with it.
anyway, blah blah, so when i heard sara sing that song at her concert, and saw them flash images of jim elliot, i was really "moved" or whatever you want to call it. because it's something very "special" to me or something. i hate sounding so cheesy.
here's something not cheesy:
the other night i dreamed about jim elliot. i dreamed that he wasn't really killed. i dreamed they took him captive, and we all just misunderstood and thought he was dead, but really he wasn't. and they just discovered he was alive after all these years, and there was much rejoicing. especially when he and elisabeth reconnected, and he found out that her third husband was dead (not true in real life), so he was like "score. we can be together again."
weird dream.
here's the song that some nutso added pictures to. there are some RANDOM pictures on here. but if you start watching at 2:15, you'll hear the part i love, and see the pictures that i can always immediately recognize and identify, because of how often i look at them...
and the song lyrics:
Lord I have a heavy burden of all I've seen and know
It's more than I can handle
But your word is burning like a fire shut up in my bones
and I cannot let it go
And when I'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought
I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard
I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
Lord it's all that I can't carry and cannot leave behind
it often overwhelms me
but when I think of all who've gone before and lived the faithful life
their courage compells me
And when I'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought
I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard
I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars
I see the shepherd Moses in the Pharohs court
I hear his call for freedom for the people of the Lord
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
I see the long quiet walk along the Underground Railroad
I see the slave awakening to the value of her soul
I see the young missionary and the angry spear
I see his family returning with no trace of fear
I see the long hard shadows of Calcutta nights
I see the sisters standing by the dying man's side
I see the young girl huddled on the brothel floor
I see the man with a passion come and kicking down the door
I see the man of sorrows and his long troubled road
I see the world on his shoulders and my easy load
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
Friday, December 5, 2008
kailey rose
the first time i saw her.
the first time i held her.
today is her first birthday.
i can count the times i've visited her on one hand, which makes me sad, but she is such a blessing...and i'm just the aunt!
the first time i held her.
today is her first birthday.
i can count the times i've visited her on one hand, which makes me sad, but she is such a blessing...and i'm just the aunt!
Thursday, December 4, 2008
advent conspiracy
saw this video.
think it's great!
i've already bought my family Christmas presents this year, and i know they're all doing that too. i'm not about to throw a wrench in our plans this year, ESPECIALLY since my sister laura came up with the amazing idea to surprise my dad with a NEW TV! he has no idea. my parents' tv is really old. like, really old. as in, my grandparents gave it to us when THEY got a new tv. the picture is shrinking a little, and when you change the channel...the numbers are reversed on the screen. and some other problems. laura pointed out that our parents do a lot for us, so SURPRISE! my mom is in on it, because we needed some help with logistics. i can't wait to unveil it. i'll try to get that on video, but not if it interferes with me enjoying the moment.
i bring that up to say...i don't think that giving gifts to your family is a selfish thing to do. that's the only thing i sometimes don't enjoy about people encouraging us to be more generous to charity or whatever. i get a lot of joy from giving my family gifts at Christmas.
BUT
we are so blessed, and there's also a lot of joy to be found in giving all of that to people who are really hurting. instead of to each other.
we're all older now, so now (see: next year) might be a good time to say "instead of buying for each other, let's find ways to give other people gifts. angel trees. buying NEW gifts to donate to missions. etc." and maybe do a secret santa thing, so we each just have one person to buy a gift for...i don't know....there are so many different ways to be generous. (what a position to be in...)
with the exception of my niece, kailey! because we LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE kailey. and i think we're all more excited to give her things than anything else. because she's so awesome. when i went to visit my sister emily at baylor, we stopped by to see kailey for half an hour. i bought her a stuffed lion. for no reason at all. just because she's so neat.
anyway...
it's interesting how at the hardest part of my life (see: RIGHT NOW), i want to be involved with things that matter. every good thought i have comes from God. left alone, i think only of myself. how amazing that my wicked soul could find 10 seconds to think of anyone else.
think it's great!
i've already bought my family Christmas presents this year, and i know they're all doing that too. i'm not about to throw a wrench in our plans this year, ESPECIALLY since my sister laura came up with the amazing idea to surprise my dad with a NEW TV! he has no idea. my parents' tv is really old. like, really old. as in, my grandparents gave it to us when THEY got a new tv. the picture is shrinking a little, and when you change the channel...the numbers are reversed on the screen. and some other problems. laura pointed out that our parents do a lot for us, so SURPRISE! my mom is in on it, because we needed some help with logistics. i can't wait to unveil it. i'll try to get that on video, but not if it interferes with me enjoying the moment.
i bring that up to say...i don't think that giving gifts to your family is a selfish thing to do. that's the only thing i sometimes don't enjoy about people encouraging us to be more generous to charity or whatever. i get a lot of joy from giving my family gifts at Christmas.
BUT
we are so blessed, and there's also a lot of joy to be found in giving all of that to people who are really hurting. instead of to each other.
we're all older now, so now (see: next year) might be a good time to say "instead of buying for each other, let's find ways to give other people gifts. angel trees. buying NEW gifts to donate to missions. etc." and maybe do a secret santa thing, so we each just have one person to buy a gift for...i don't know....there are so many different ways to be generous. (what a position to be in...)
with the exception of my niece, kailey! because we LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE kailey. and i think we're all more excited to give her things than anything else. because she's so awesome. when i went to visit my sister emily at baylor, we stopped by to see kailey for half an hour. i bought her a stuffed lion. for no reason at all. just because she's so neat.
anyway...
it's interesting how at the hardest part of my life (see: RIGHT NOW), i want to be involved with things that matter. every good thought i have comes from God. left alone, i think only of myself. how amazing that my wicked soul could find 10 seconds to think of anyone else.
it's that time...
my thoughts about the past few days are negative. i am overwhelmed.
i'm taking a break from my quest to read every book in the world, so i can revisit some literature from my past.
i read the first few chapters of "don't waste your life" over thanksgiving break, and it gave me a small boost.
but today i decided i know what will do the trick. jim elliot. i sent an e-mail to someone, and on my yahoo account there's a quote from him as my "signature." i made that account back in the days when i liked signatures. now i kind of hate them. ANYWAY, it made me want to read some jim elliot.
he's a missionary that died.
i'm not inspired by his death.
i'm inspired by the way he lived. his attitude while being alive is the polar opposite of my attitude right now. i am struggling.
the thing about jim elliot that is so striking is that he wrote these journals for himself...he had no intention of other people reading them. his wife published them after he died. when people write books, they edit themselves. they say things with a certain goal or topic in mind. not jim elliot. he was just puking his thoughts into a journal...unedited. he didn't make them up to fit a topic of a book. this was how he really was.
if i had a journal, today's entry would be full of expletives. which is not quite the same as this:
"Father, let me be weak that I might loose my clutch on everything temporal. My life, my reputation, my possessions, Lord, let me loose the tension of the grasping hand. Even, Father, would I lose the love of fondling. How often I have released a grasp only to retain what I prized by 'harmless' longing, the fondling touch. Rather, open my hand to receive the nail of Calvary, as Christ's was opened - that I, releasing all, might be released, unleashed from all that binds me now. He thought Heaven, yea, equality with God, not a thing to be clutched at. So let me release my grasp." -Jim Elliot
i'm taking a break from my quest to read every book in the world, so i can revisit some literature from my past.
i read the first few chapters of "don't waste your life" over thanksgiving break, and it gave me a small boost.
but today i decided i know what will do the trick. jim elliot. i sent an e-mail to someone, and on my yahoo account there's a quote from him as my "signature." i made that account back in the days when i liked signatures. now i kind of hate them. ANYWAY, it made me want to read some jim elliot.
he's a missionary that died.
i'm not inspired by his death.
i'm inspired by the way he lived. his attitude while being alive is the polar opposite of my attitude right now. i am struggling.
the thing about jim elliot that is so striking is that he wrote these journals for himself...he had no intention of other people reading them. his wife published them after he died. when people write books, they edit themselves. they say things with a certain goal or topic in mind. not jim elliot. he was just puking his thoughts into a journal...unedited. he didn't make them up to fit a topic of a book. this was how he really was.
if i had a journal, today's entry would be full of expletives. which is not quite the same as this:
"Father, let me be weak that I might loose my clutch on everything temporal. My life, my reputation, my possessions, Lord, let me loose the tension of the grasping hand. Even, Father, would I lose the love of fondling. How often I have released a grasp only to retain what I prized by 'harmless' longing, the fondling touch. Rather, open my hand to receive the nail of Calvary, as Christ's was opened - that I, releasing all, might be released, unleashed from all that binds me now. He thought Heaven, yea, equality with God, not a thing to be clutched at. So let me release my grasp." -Jim Elliot
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
too much cute.
i'm about to rock your world with adorable-ness.
i got so much quality time with my one year old niece, kailey, on thanksgiving break. (actually she's not one until friday...)
i even got to babysit her for 3 or 4 hours.
i'm telling you...
you won't be able to handle the amount of cute you're about to see. brace yourself.
this is kailey rose.
bonus: a video.
we had a lot of fun while i was babysitting her. we learned how to put things on our heads. we laughed a lot. at one point, i was entertaining her with a walrus that she found in my room. (remember when beanie babies were cool? no?) for at least 10 minutes, she found this hysterical. i didn't think to video tape it soon enough. but here...a glimpse.
i got so much quality time with my one year old niece, kailey, on thanksgiving break. (actually she's not one until friday...)
i even got to babysit her for 3 or 4 hours.
i'm telling you...
you won't be able to handle the amount of cute you're about to see. brace yourself.
this is kailey rose.
bonus: a video.
we had a lot of fun while i was babysitting her. we learned how to put things on our heads. we laughed a lot. at one point, i was entertaining her with a walrus that she found in my room. (remember when beanie babies were cool? no?) for at least 10 minutes, she found this hysterical. i didn't think to video tape it soon enough. but here...a glimpse.
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