exhale.

when i showed up to work and learned that i still didn't have all the supplies i needed...

when i realized one of the music toys died and batteries would not revive it...

when a little girl threw up...

when a little boy threw a screaming fit about everything...

when my coworker was late...

when i looked over and feared fred the fish was dead...

when they got marker all over their hands and it wouldn't wash off...

when they lost puzzle pieces under the furniture...

when they destroyed the homemade blocks before the evaluators even showed up...

it didn't matter.

because my classroom was not picked to be assessed this year.

i was picked the past 2 years.

i felt like i would be again. not because of a "feeling" but because that's the only reality i know at this job.

it's hard for me to say something like "praise God for such a blessing!" (though i absolutely DO), because this morning's pep talk was about how God is trustworthy and always does what is best. i don't want it to seem like i only praise God when i get what i want. but it was a blessing. i'm a sinner who brought a lot of pessimism to this situation, and still i was gifted with not having to go through it.

i've been thinking so much about grace these past FIVE MONTHS. i feel like the scoring system is impossible. i don't like entering an evaluation knowing "i can't do well, i just have to try not to do terrible." there are some things that just can't be done. so then i'll start thinking "i can't believe they would really score me low, just because i can't get 2 year olds to sit down without touching the table or chair. i'm almost 26 and i touch the chair when i sit down."

it seems like "they should just overlook that. let it go."

i think i'm way too used to God's grace. He gives it, so i expect everyone to. but God doesn't even have to. He just does.

wouldn't it be great if the evaluators showed up and said "so, we set up this impossible scoring system. you can try, but you won't be able to do parts of it. so, we'll just do it for you and then give you a perfect score."

there's no reason for them to do that. the rules are the rules. there's no obligation to give me a good score. they come in, make notes about how i fall short, and leave. that's their job. they don't know me. they don't love me. why should they care what score i get?

how amazing is it that God has done exactly the opposite. He gave some rules, knowing we couldn't follow them. then He shows up, says He'll follow them for us, and give us a perfect score.

absurd.