month 8.

i'm reading jane eyre. i'm not done with it yet. but elizabeth bennett of pride and prejudice now has a rival for a character in a book i most relate to.

there's this vicious pattern in my life that always lasts 7 months. it even takes place in about the same 7 months of the year.

some quotes.

When once more alone, I reviewed the information I had got; looked into my heart, examined its thoughts and feelings, and endeavoured to bring back with a strict hand such as had been straying through imagination's boundless and trackless waste, into the safe fold of common sense.

Arraigned at my own bar, Memory having given her evidence of the hopes, wishes, sentiments I had been cherishing since last night - of the general state of mind in which I had indulged for nearly a fortnight past; Reason having come forward and told, in her own quiet way, a plain, unvarnished tale, showing how I had rejected the real, and rapidly devoured the ideal; - I had pronounced judgement to this effect:...You gifted with the power of pleasing him? You of importance to him in any way? Go! your folly sickens me. And you have derived pleasure from occasional tokens of preference...How dared you? Poor stupid dupe! - Could not even self-interest make you wiser? You repeated to yourself this morning the brief scene of last night? - Cover your face and be ashamed! He said something in praise of your eyes, did he? Blind puppy! Open their bleared lids and look on your own accursed senselessness!...it is madness in all women to let a secret love kindle within them, which, if unreturned and unknown, must devour the life that feeds it.

Ere long, I had reason to congratulate myself on the course of wholesome discipline to which I had thus forced my feelings to submit: thanks to it, I was able to meet subsequent occurrences with a decent calm; which, had they found me unprepared, I should probably have been unequal to maintain, even externally.

I was actually permitting myself to experience a sickening sense of disappointment at his not returning to Thornfield yet; but rallying my wits, and recollecting my principles, I at once called my sensations to order; and it was wonderful how I got over the temporary blunder - how I cleared up the mistake of supposing Mr Rochester's movements a matter in which I had any cause to take a vital interest.

...I inevitably recall the moment when I last saw it; just after I had rendered him what he deemed an essential service, and he, holding my hand, and looking down on my face, surveyed me with eyes that revealed a heart full and eager to overflow; in whose emotions I had a part. How near had I approached him at that moment! What had occurred since, calculated to change his and my relative positions? Yet now, how distant, how far estranged we were! So far estranged, that I did not expect him to come and speak to me. I did not wonder, when, without looking at me, he took a seat at the other side of the room, and began conversing with some of the ladies.

I know I must conceal my sentiments: I must smother hope; I must remember that he cannot care much for me.

No; you shall tear yourself away, none shall help you: you shall yourself pluck out your right eye; yourself cut off your right hand: your heart shall be the victim, and you the priest to transfix it.

I will hold to the principles received by me when I was sane, and not mad - as I am now. Laws and principles are not for times when there is no temptation: they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigour; stringent are they; inviolate they shall be. If at my individual convenience I might break them, what would be their worth? They have a worth - so I have always believed; and if I cannot believe it now, it is because I am insane - quite insane...Preconceieved opinions, foregone determinations are all I have at this hour to stand by; there I plant my foot.

'It may be a candle in a house,' I then conjectured; 'but if so, I can never reach it. It is much too far away: and were it within a yard of me, what would it avail? I should but knock at the door to have it shut in my face.'

Reader, it is not pleasant to dwell on these details. Some say there is enjoyment in looking back to painful experience past; but at this day I can scarcely bear to review the times to which I allude...Let me condense now. I am sick of the subject.

quandary.

this week's recap.

fever monday and tuesday. still went to work. upset stomach tuesday night and wednesday morning. since i've had this job, i've only missed work once because of sickness. that's once in 2 years. and when i do go to work sick, i don't ask to leave early.

but here is what annoys me.

"are you ok?" - boss
"well. i think i have a fever. i did last night." - me
"yeah. haha. me too." - boss

why. ask.

moving.

on.

wednesday! live music! crystal thomas!

because of staying out late and not getting much sleep, i had one of my incredible dreams.

first, i was trying to catch lightning bugs in a jar. i've never even done that in real life. one of them stung my eyelid. it got really swollen. and i can feel my dreams so you can imagine how unpleasant that was.

then,

i was a chef on hell's kitchen!

i think i've seen that show 10 times total. in all of its seasons. don't know why i was dreaming about it.

we were making fried toast. which, i know, sounds like french toast. except it was toast covered in batter. i would imagine it tastes like sawdust. anyway. i burned it.

then gordon made me take a walk by myself late at night, but told me not to worry...nobody gets raped in london.

~ the end ~

today is thursday. i'm going to watch the olympics. i've watched it every night except last night. i'm sad i missed shaun white. i hope he didn't break his neck or anything. i only watch it until 10pm, my bedtime, but i love the olympics.

what i do not love is "canada." let's count the ways they have failed.

torch lighting. there was supposed to be 4 shoots or whatever, and only 3 popped up. and it took them 7 years to light it. then they had a second torch...what? there's only ONE olympic torch, "canada." what are you even going to do with the little one that broke? nobody wants that. FAIL.

the speed skating track. they had to spend an hour or so fixing it one night, because it was all choppy and melty. FAIL.

the lack of snow. it's like...not even winter in "vancouver" right now. i could have a better winter olympics in my backyard. i just don't feel like it. FAIL.

and they had to change the starting gates at the luge track because it was too fast and dangerous. i'm not going to make a joke about that.

now here's this great quote from the federalist papers, just because:

"Tyranny has perhaps oftener grown out of the assumptions of power called for, on pressing exigencies, by a defective constitution, than out of the full exercise of the largest constitutional authorities."

hey baby.

my valentine's day blog. a little late, but worth the wait.

i'm pretty sure that if i wanted a boyfriend, all i'd have to do is throw out one of these lines for bait and reel him in.

do you have any raisins? no? how about a date?

if i could rearrange the alphabet, i'd put U and I together.

do you believe in love at first sight, or should i walk by again?

if you were a laser, you'd be set on "stunning."

if i had a nickel for every time i saw someone as handsome as you, i'd have five cents.

you can fall from the sky, you can fall from a tree, but the best way to fall is in love with me.

are you a parking ticket? because you have FINE written all over you.

is your dad a terrorist? because you're the bomb. (cringe)

exhale.

when i showed up to work and learned that i still didn't have all the supplies i needed...

when i realized one of the music toys died and batteries would not revive it...

when a little girl threw up...

when a little boy threw a screaming fit about everything...

when my coworker was late...

when i looked over and feared fred the fish was dead...

when they got marker all over their hands and it wouldn't wash off...

when they lost puzzle pieces under the furniture...

when they destroyed the homemade blocks before the evaluators even showed up...

it didn't matter.

because my classroom was not picked to be assessed this year.

i was picked the past 2 years.

i felt like i would be again. not because of a "feeling" but because that's the only reality i know at this job.

it's hard for me to say something like "praise God for such a blessing!" (though i absolutely DO), because this morning's pep talk was about how God is trustworthy and always does what is best. i don't want it to seem like i only praise God when i get what i want. but it was a blessing. i'm a sinner who brought a lot of pessimism to this situation, and still i was gifted with not having to go through it.

i've been thinking so much about grace these past FIVE MONTHS. i feel like the scoring system is impossible. i don't like entering an evaluation knowing "i can't do well, i just have to try not to do terrible." there are some things that just can't be done. so then i'll start thinking "i can't believe they would really score me low, just because i can't get 2 year olds to sit down without touching the table or chair. i'm almost 26 and i touch the chair when i sit down."

it seems like "they should just overlook that. let it go."

i think i'm way too used to God's grace. He gives it, so i expect everyone to. but God doesn't even have to. He just does.

wouldn't it be great if the evaluators showed up and said "so, we set up this impossible scoring system. you can try, but you won't be able to do parts of it. so, we'll just do it for you and then give you a perfect score."

there's no reason for them to do that. the rules are the rules. there's no obligation to give me a good score. they come in, make notes about how i fall short, and leave. that's their job. they don't know me. they don't love me. why should they care what score i get?

how amazing is it that God has done exactly the opposite. He gave some rules, knowing we couldn't follow them. then He shows up, says He'll follow them for us, and give us a perfect score.

absurd.

the pendulum swings.

my big evaluation at work is on thursday. i can't believe it's already time to do this again. i have moments where i remember God's obvious presence last year, and relax. other moments where i hear rumors about my boss's scheming that piss. me. off. other moments when i'm afraid. overwhelmed. stressed. lots of pessimism. and i get annoyed with the children for not knowing how to act like adults, because for some reason that's what is required of them. oh, and then there's the bitterness that you may have just heard in that statement.

i just remembered something nice, though. one time at church this person read from a book about sheep and shepherds. i think it was written by a shepherd. he wrote something about how the sheep would freak out, and panic. but the moment the shepherd showed up they'd calm down. he wouldn't even talk or do anything, all they needed was his presence. his being there.

how true, how true. that's all i need.

i need a texas bumper sticker.

the difference between men and women, as demonstrated by me and my dad:

me: what does this button do?
dad: hmmmm. i don't know. *pushes button*
me: well don't push it if you don't know. *unpushes button* oh, look at the words. "pwr" and "norm." i'm going to leave it in the "normal" setting, whatever that does.
dad: i bet "pwr" means "power." *pushes button* you want more power.
me: i want it to be normal.
dad: ok. here. in the owner's manual, it says "pwr" means you get more powerful acceleration.
me: and "norm" is for general use. *unpushes button*
dad: what if you want more power?!
me: i want normal.
dad: *pushes button*
me: i'll change it when you leave.

6 miles.

i got my new car today. a 1996 toyota camry.

i thought it had 175,000 miles, but it actually has 156,000 miles.

WIN!

it has just enough quirks/problems to make me feel comfortable.

there's a crack in the windshield.

the "D" for "Drive" does not light up.

the light that tells me the tail lights are out will never go off.

it is really sensitive. tapping the gas makes it GOOOOOO. turning the wheel slightly makes it TURN. tapping the brakes makes it

STOP.

that's actually kind of scary. but i'll get used to it. it's nice that i don't have to push the pedal to the floor to get even a little bit of motion.

i think i saw cupholders, so that's an upgrade. power locks that i don't quite understand how to operate yet. or maybe they're broken too.

i'll TAKE IT!