all of pharoah's army did the dead man's float.

i have my huge evaluation at work on thursday, and i might get fired if it doesn't go well.

last year it did not go well.

this year i have a new boss...

it's hard to explain what's going on in this situation. the expectations for me are unclear. confusing. difficult. some of them impossible. it's a scary situation. i don't know how to explain it. there's so much that goes into this. it's very complicated. i want to do well, but i'm not entirely sure what i'm supposed to be doing, and it's not because i haven't tried very hard to figure that out. we've been preparing for 3-4 months. focusing on this. it's happening on thursday.

hard. to. explain.

i'm reading exodus. for a variety of reasons, this story of moses and the israelites explains what i'm dealing with.

me = israel
my boss = pharoah
God = God

exodus 5:6-16

That same day Pharaoh gave this order to the slave drivers and foremen in charge of the people: "You are no longer to supply the people with straw for making bricks; let them go and gather their own straw. But require them to make the same number of bricks as before; don't reduce the quota. They are lazy; that is why they are crying out, 'Let us go and sacrifice to our God.' Make the work harder for the men so that they keep working and pay no attention to lies."

Then the slave drivers and the foremen went out and said to the people, "This is what Pharaoh says: 'I will not give you any more straw. Go and get your own straw wherever you can find it, but your work will not be reduced at all.' " So the people scattered all over Egypt to gather stubble to use for straw. The slave drivers kept pressing them, saying, "Complete the work required of you for each day, just as when you had straw." The Israelite foremen appointed by Pharaoh's slave drivers were beaten and were asked, "Why didn't you meet your quota of bricks yesterday or today, as before?"

Then the Israelite foremen went and appealed to Pharaoh: "Why have you treated your servants this way? Your servants are given no straw, yet we are told, 'Make bricks!' Your servants are being beaten, but the fault is with your own people."

it's hard not to focus on how hard this is. it's hard to remember this:

exodus 14:13-14

Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

in a lot of ways, this is an impossible situation. you may not believe that. i feel like i've been beating my head against a wall trying to get ready for this thing. i've been crying to God asking what i'm supposed to do, since there are some things i can't actually do. (for example: after washing the children's hands, somehow keep them from touching anything....including the table...which they're eating at...they're two years old...) i've been saying "what am i supposed to do? this is impossible!" and finally, i feel like i heard Him say "yeah. it is impossible. for you."

this is something i can't do. i can do my best, but it's not going to be good enough. i've had a hard time accepting that. it pisses me off. it makes me mad that i can try so hard, and it's still not good enough. partly because the expectations are ridiculous, and partly because i don't know half of them. there's an entire book of standards i'm being scored on, and i don't know half of it. and the half i do know...that's daunting enough.

anyway. i'm trying to trust that God is going to handle this. He's been trying to make that clear to me, but all i've been able to think about is how i'm being told to make bricks without straw. i want Him to handle it. but it's hard because i still have to show up and go through it, and wait to see what actually happens. i still have to work hard at making those bricks, knowing that i can't do it.

but...it turned out pretty well for Israel...