i think i need to yell more.

i remember why i stopped going to so many bruin basketball games.

when you subconsciously view each game as a battle between good and evil, as i do, they become a bit of an emotional investment.

it's kind of exhausting.

i yelled. a lot.

and it felt good.

this is such a weird part of my personality. i'm not a sports fan. i keep up with two teams in the whole world: the belmont bruins men's basketball team, and the texas a&m football team. that's it. i care about no one else's team. i can't even tell you who played in the superbowl this year.

so writing blog posts about how i am physically and mentally exhausted after just watching a basketball game, leaves you with a really warped impression of me.

but that is what i did today. i watched two basketball games. women's and men's.

every other day of the year i am a relatively calm person. but when i go to basketball games, i scream a lot. and i think that's because i don't get to scream about ANY of the things i really want to scream about in my daily life. that's not what adults to. adults suppress their emotions and let people walk all over them. wait, that's not right. but i haven't figure out what is right yet...

so i screamed a lot today.

i screamed when they were 20 points behind, and closed that margin to 10 points behind.

i screamed when they fell 10 points behind again.

i screamed when they came within 3 points of being tied, and fell behind again.

i screamed when they tied the game in the last second, and had to go to overtime.

i screamed while they held their lead.

i screamed when they lost the game by two points.

i like screaming.

BONUS VIDEOS:

i went to the women's game, which i don't normally do. i think their games are kind of boring. they move slower. they aren't as agressive.

yawn.

give me something to scream about...

so i made a couple videos. the first one is at the women's game. you can see the mostly empty stands, and though it's noisy...all you hear is the team members yelling. no one in the audience, really.

and then the opening minute of the men's game...very different. full stands. people screaming, people dancing, people cheering.

loud, yes.

it was 10 times louder later in the game. it was really dramatic.

enjoy.





p.s. the women won their game.

red and blue.

i lost an entire aspect of my personality.

i love belmont university.

the year after i graduated, i went to every single basketball game. last year, i didn't go to as many, but i made an effort. this year i haven't gone to even one.

but tomorrow i'm going to the homecoming game. and i'm really excited about it. the last game i watched was the one against duke in the march madness game, but let's not relive that. (one point, it still hurts...)

ANYWAY.

last night i went to get my ticket, and i decided to stop by university ministries to see if the old ministers were still at work. one of them was! so we talked, blah blah. and she told me that there's this homecoming worship thing tomorrow, which actually sounds...awkward. but there will be some people there that i haven't seen in a long time, and i love me some reunion-ing.

the point:

i forgot what time she said, so i got on the homecoming website. and i realized i'm really lame for not participating in some parts of it. there was an alumni-only concert tonight. andy davis. andy davis. how could i be so foolish not to register for any homecoming events.

for some reason thinking about homecoming feels "lame" or something. but i'm past that now. next year...i'm going to be all over it. not just the basketball game, but the whole deal. i went to belmont university. i lived there for four years. there are so many reasons to be proud of that. my fellow alumni are amazing musicians. belmont hosted a presidential debate this year. the basketball team is suprisingly talented. we almost made it to round two of march madness last year...

i really should not get into that again.

but i'm excited about tomorrow. i'm not going to start chanting "go bruins!" or anything.

i think it would only be lame if i was still hanging out on campus or something. right? yes. i'm right. nobody thinks it's weird to go visit your family. i lived at belmont for four years of my life. it's a similar thing.

i went to belmont. and i'm sad that i forgot how much i love belmont, and how blessed i feel to have gone to college there.

i'm going to buy a new sweatshirt. i can always use more...

i'll save the explanation of my fashion choices for another post.

don't go.

i'm almost 25, and i think my mental acuity is deterioriating.

wait, no. i just used the word "acuity" in a sentence. i'm good.

BUT

i think i used to be funnier.

facebook had a brain fart (unlike me!) and imported all my old blog posts from myspace. what? i haven't logged into that thing in a year or so.

so i logged in to read them again...

i think i used to be funnier.

i have selected two excerpts to post here today. a flashback of sorts. trust me. it's way better than what i've been wanting to blog about all day, which was something infuriating that happened at work.

september 9, 2006
"me and c.s. lewis. basically the same."

i think me and c.s. lewis have a lot in common. he has a way with words, you know. sometimes when i'm reading his books, i have to stop every paragraph just to marvel at what was just read. it really is incredible that anyone could be so eloquent and intelligent.

and then there's me. my lexicon is so exiguous. (that's a joke i made up, and i hope you get it). but really. today someone asked me if i liked the movie "the notebook", (no), and asked me what it was about. i said "it's about this couple. they fall in love, then they break up, but they get back together, and then they're old, and they die."

i dare you to come up with a better summary of that movie.

and another short-ish one...

october 24, 2006
"alzheimer's in reverse"

alzheimer's. the disease where people lose memories. it's tragic. my great grandma had it.

and now, apparently, my dad does. but in reverse. he creates memories.

one of my sisters is taking archery and is learning how to shoot a gun. yeah, she's pretty cool. but my dad claims he once taught ME how to handle a gun. the thing is, i've never touched one. i don't know where this memory came from. it never happened. but i'm not going to tell him. it's better that he lives in ignorant bliss during his senile years, which appear to be setting in at age 52.

wait. that reminds me. this is actually a very sad anecdote. my parents have an ongoing argument about how they got engaged. my mom says he never proposed, and my dad says he sang her a song on his guitar when he proposed. did he create that memory too?

more importantly, is this hereditary? how can i be sure of anything anymore.

mouse has a new lunchbox.

things i used to know:

- basic accounting principles
- obscure copyright laws
- how to explain various supply and demand curves
- how to write a paper in MLA format
- how to record music in a studio

things i know now:

- i can recite a book called "time for school, mouse" from memory
- i can identify the cries of 14 different children without having to look
- i know ten verses to "the wheels on the bus"

i don't want to know ten verses to "the wheels on the bus."

but i do want you to see if you can come up with that many.

i miss her all of a sudden.

maybe i'll get to see her in may when one of my sisters graduates from college?

kailey rose.

that smile...

everything else.

things you can buy on ebay:

a potato shaped liked a cross.

"Your probably wondering why this potato is shaped like a cross! I was thinking the same thing when i pulled it out of the bag! I have never in my life had a potato come like this.This will probably never happen again so happy bidding!!"

cost: 1.2 million dollars.

a dollar bill and two pennies.

"For sale one United States of America Dollar Bill. It is the typical dollar bill everyone has with no collector value. This dollar does not buy as much as it use to.

You here a lot on the news about the value of the dollar but now it is your chance to decide.

As an added bonus I'm including two United States of America Pennies. They also have no collector value. Just your typical everyday pennies. I've been told on numerous occasions that my two cents are worthless but now you can decide how much they are worth."

current bid: 99 cents. interesting.


a prezel with heart shaped rose petals.

"I found this preztel just mear nano seconds before eating it. I thought it looked a lot like rose petals shaped like a heart.

It's unique, that's for sure."

cost: $20

also...WHAT?

3 real human molar teeth.

for education and research only.

because there are so many uses for other people's teeth.

starting bid: $19.99, and what remains of your sanity.

the contents of my vacuum cleaner!

"Yes, you read that right. I have a wonderful vacuum cleaner. It's a Eureka upright, whirlwind action, detachable canister, 12 amp, 15inch sucking machine! It really SUCKS! It's got a headlight, alot of attachments, a long cord, and it sucks, sucks, sucks! What I am offering up for bid here is the contents of that baby after I get done sucking the floors in the whole house. It will be substantial, it always is. I usually fill that canister up at least twice in one sucking session. I'm sick of carrying it outside to the compost pile. Why not sell it on EBAY! What a country! Why buy it, hey why not? Make some art out of it, put it under a microscope, bring it to the classroom for the kiddies, leave some at crime scenes!"

starting bid: ten cents. seems fair.

sarcasm can be so accurate.

i really, really appreciate this post on "stuff christians like."

read it, and understand.

my boss knows i can lie.

i slept fitfully last night. i woke up at 2am, and my mind was kept awake by desperate prayers until 3.

i woke up again at 6 for good, and my mind did not stop praying the same prayer until 8:30.

"please don't let our room get picked, God. please."

over, and over again. on my half of the school there are 7 classrooms, and we knew that two would be picked for the evaluation.

ours was picked last year. it was my second week on the job. i wasn't trained. i had never heard of "three star evaluation" before. there's a rule that says new teachers (defined as 2 weeks or less) don't have to be evaluated. but the old director saw no reason to play that card.

we did very, very badly.

some comments have been made in the past year that suggest i would have been fired if i hadn't been new.

so for the past year, i have been working hard to prove that i'm a good employee. it has run me ragged.

me and the other teacher in my room have been working VERY hard to get ready for the evaluation today, even though we knew we might not get picked. we hoped we wouldn't, but we wanted to be ready.

so that's the history that explains the desperate prayers in the middle of the night. the same prayer being cried incessantly for almost two hours. i know how difficult this evaluation is. it is no joke. someone stands in our room for 4 hours, writing down every move we make. it's intense. i did not want to go through that again, especially since i did so bad last year. and especially since our jobs were on the line. i'm not making that up. she told us in a meeting that anyone who scored less than a certain point value might not have their job anymore.

stress.



we got picked. our room got picked, again.

two years in a row.

i cussed when i found out. a few times, actually. in front of children. it was not one of my shining moments.

i'm still processing this day. i keep replaying it in my mind. i know there are things i did wrong, but i don't know their point value. it wasn't a matter of "oh, i don't feel like doing that." there are just some things that are really hard to do. there were a few times i had to choose between two options that would both result in me losing points. it's complicated...

and i didn't ask God "why" at first, because i was in panic mode. but really...why? WHY? why did we get picked two years in a row? why did we get picked last year when He knew we would do bad? why did we get picked this year when He knows i could lose my job?

i don't remember ever really asking God "why" about anything before. it's not what i do. i don't think there's anything wrong with it. people in the Bible do it. i'm more of a "deal with the situation as it is" kind of a person. sometimes that's good. sometimes it's not. but that's how i am.

but today i asked why.

today i wondered why.

i've been reading this story of moses and the israelites, and really relating to it. God delivered them. they were sinners, and He helped them. i won't recap the story. but i've been waiting to declare "God parted my red sea! they passed over my room, and i did not get evaluated!" but i can't declare that.

as i was sitting there after the evaluation, i remembered...God cares more about His glory than He does my comfort. He cares about my life, my job, my ability to pay rent, and all the details of my life. but He didn't rescue Israel for their sake. He did it for the sake of His own Name, His own glory. and they were caught up in that amazing story, and experienced grace and blessings because of His desire to display His glory. it wasn't about them, and it's not about me. (uhhh...i just summarized every john piper book...)

if i expect God to answer prayer because it would make me feel relief or happiness, then of course i'm left being angry that "something like this" could happen. but if i expect Him to act based on what brings Him glory, then feeling angry about today isn't an option. i get to sit here knowing that this is the day God wanted me to have. this is the experience He wanted me to live. this is the story that brings Him glory. (ugh, rhyming.) that's better than a sense of relief that i don't have to be evaluated. as least i'm trying to see it that way.

an unfortunate but funny side note:

after the kids were asleep, i had to be interviewed by the evaluator. she asked me like...3 pages of questions about stuff. i had this list of questions ahead of time to study. for like a month now. not the answers, mind you. but the list of questions. isn't that great. ANYWAY

she threw a couple random ones in there, and my boss was sitting there with me because she felt it would make me less nervous. (?)

random question number one:

"i saw that you have a pet fish. how do you incorporate that in the daily activities?"

lie number one:

"we talk to him throughout the day. but sometimes we take him to the science table and talk about how he swims, and maybe look at him with the magnifying glass."

random question number two:

"i saw that there was a plant hanging from the window. do you do anything with it?"

lie number two:

"sometimes we let them water it. and we talk about how plants grow."

both of my answers met the science requirements, but they're not true. we just got the plant and fish a couple weeks ago. afterwards, my boss came in my room and was laughing about those questions, because i didn't even hestitate before i answered.

i don't make a habit out of telling lies to my boss. i rarely talk to her more than 3 minutes a day, and always in 30 second fragments. there's not much time to lie. there's time to beg for more glue, or to ask if maybe i can leave on time today because i have somewhere to be. but still...i'm not sure how i feel about her knowing i can B.S. my way through life if need be.

i'm not sure how i feel about it either. i came up with those answers quick. i am so unaware of my own ability to sin sometimes. that's not the best thing ever.

so, there's all that.

my grandma keeps it real.

i got a few laughs from family members today.

one of my sisters sent me a valentine's present. the card is so funny because she could have sent it to me 10 years ago, and it would be exactly the same.

"Happy Valentine's Day! Here is a cookie. Plus your CD. Can't wait to hang out in D.C.! I love you!"

oh yeah! i forgot to tell "you." i'm taking a week off in march. looking for a job, AND going to visit my best friend in d.c. and it just so happens that my sister emily is spending part of her spring break there at the same time. a true coincidence. we did not plan that in advance.

ANYWAY.

my grandma called me.

i love talking to my grandma, ok. we don't talk much, but it's always good.

but i don't always answer when she calls, because she talks for a long time. and sometimes about nothing. she's 90. it's allowed. i just have to be able to focus.

today she called, and i answered even though i couldn't focus. i was talking to people online, watching tv, and planning how i was going to wrap a shoebox in wrapping paper without it looking tacky...because i have a weird life.

she started talking about birds, and my mind started drifting. the phrase that brought me back:

"is anything new going on? are you...getting married?"

there was something else. i missed something. something key to understanding...

WHAT?

that's why i have to be able to focus.

but one thing i did hear:

"do you have neighbors? do you talk to your neighbors?"

"yes, a couple of them. not a lot, but we talk when we see each other."

"well...you're kind of a loner, then!"

this was one time i couldn't contain my laughter. usually i can hide it. i don't know why i thought that was funny. it's kind of a sad thing to say. it was just really, really unexpected. spoken in her sweet, 90-year-old grandmotherly voice. the same voice that says "i'm going to send you money, just so you can have some fun!"

that voice called me a loner.

all of pharoah's army did the dead man's float.

i have my huge evaluation at work on thursday, and i might get fired if it doesn't go well.

last year it did not go well.

this year i have a new boss...

it's hard to explain what's going on in this situation. the expectations for me are unclear. confusing. difficult. some of them impossible. it's a scary situation. i don't know how to explain it. there's so much that goes into this. it's very complicated. i want to do well, but i'm not entirely sure what i'm supposed to be doing, and it's not because i haven't tried very hard to figure that out. we've been preparing for 3-4 months. focusing on this. it's happening on thursday.

hard. to. explain.

i'm reading exodus. for a variety of reasons, this story of moses and the israelites explains what i'm dealing with.

me = israel
my boss = pharoah
God = God

exodus 5:6-16

That same day Pharaoh gave this order to the slave drivers and foremen in charge of the people: "You are no longer to supply the people with straw for making bricks; let them go and gather their own straw. But require them to make the same number of bricks as before; don't reduce the quota. They are lazy; that is why they are crying out, 'Let us go and sacrifice to our God.' Make the work harder for the men so that they keep working and pay no attention to lies."

Then the slave drivers and the foremen went out and said to the people, "This is what Pharaoh says: 'I will not give you any more straw. Go and get your own straw wherever you can find it, but your work will not be reduced at all.' " So the people scattered all over Egypt to gather stubble to use for straw. The slave drivers kept pressing them, saying, "Complete the work required of you for each day, just as when you had straw." The Israelite foremen appointed by Pharaoh's slave drivers were beaten and were asked, "Why didn't you meet your quota of bricks yesterday or today, as before?"

Then the Israelite foremen went and appealed to Pharaoh: "Why have you treated your servants this way? Your servants are given no straw, yet we are told, 'Make bricks!' Your servants are being beaten, but the fault is with your own people."

it's hard not to focus on how hard this is. it's hard to remember this:

exodus 14:13-14

Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

in a lot of ways, this is an impossible situation. you may not believe that. i feel like i've been beating my head against a wall trying to get ready for this thing. i've been crying to God asking what i'm supposed to do, since there are some things i can't actually do. (for example: after washing the children's hands, somehow keep them from touching anything....including the table...which they're eating at...they're two years old...) i've been saying "what am i supposed to do? this is impossible!" and finally, i feel like i heard Him say "yeah. it is impossible. for you."

this is something i can't do. i can do my best, but it's not going to be good enough. i've had a hard time accepting that. it pisses me off. it makes me mad that i can try so hard, and it's still not good enough. partly because the expectations are ridiculous, and partly because i don't know half of them. there's an entire book of standards i'm being scored on, and i don't know half of it. and the half i do know...that's daunting enough.

anyway. i'm trying to trust that God is going to handle this. He's been trying to make that clear to me, but all i've been able to think about is how i'm being told to make bricks without straw. i want Him to handle it. but it's hard because i still have to show up and go through it, and wait to see what actually happens. i still have to work hard at making those bricks, knowing that i can't do it.

but...it turned out pretty well for Israel...

a new project.

got a free table from kyla.



i have big plans for it.



step one: sandpaper.

step two: work on drawing symmetrical circles.

dolphins are not cool.

so i was reading someone's blog, and clicked on a link there. it took me to this weird website that had a lot of random videos.

no, not porn.

one of them caught my eye. it said "rejected marraige proposal" or something like that. so i watched it. and then i saw links for some other rejected marraige proposals. and i watched. not because i'm bitter and like to see other people rejected. it was like a car wreck. i just...had to look. you know?

then i ended up on youtube watching these, and youtube started recommending successful proposes. so i started watching those. and i kind of got sucked in and watched marraige proposals for like, an hour. ridiculous.

weirdest: a proposal based off the movie "saw."

the best:

twinkle, twinkle...john calvin

the other day i mentioned that we got a new toy in my classroom. it's yellow. it's furry. it sings and dances. it has a face. that's the full description. i have no idea what it is.

this morning i heard someone yelling "poop! poop!" and i thought one of the little geniuses crapped on the floor. so i went over, and a boy was pointing at the thing saying "it's a poop! it's a poop!"

boys are gross. you can see it at age two. but that was better than the time one of them brought me a dead bug.

other highlights from today:

- a little girl was crying about nothing. i sang her a hymn and she stopped. i love it when that works. i feel magical. later, it happened again on the playground. it was like lightning struck twice in the same place. i'm kind of a comfort snob. i don't sing them any of that "twinkle, twinkle little star" nonsense. reformation hymns. that's the way to go.

- we teach them things, even though they're young. shapes. colors. counting. animal noises. but some days it feels like our efforts are pointless because the younger ones just stare at us. today, we didn't feel like teaching the usual science lesson. instead of asking "what color is this dinosaur? how many legs does it have? what does a dinosaur sound like?" ...we discussed the differences between herbivores and carnivores. you're welcome, 3rd grade science teachers! cross that lesson off your plans. it's done.

- we had music class today. the teacher asked them to growl like grizzly bears. only one did. and the teacher said he sounded like a constipated bear. can you say that? no, i don't think so.

- minnie mouse visited one of the other classes. she's a man underneath. i'm not really sure what to do with that.

- we had our valentine's day party! i received some:

hoo-hoo-ray! happy valentine's day! (tigger and pooh)
blazing new trails, happy valentine's day! (cars)
just hanging with my pals on valentine's day (mickey and minnie...yikes...)

and

will you be elmo's valentine?

what is that about? it's a disturbing new twist on "be mine." you can't give someone a valentine and hand them off to someone else. that's not how it works.

what a half-ass valentine.

awesome-ish.

i just filed my taxes.

on february 10th.

i am so ahead of the game. last year, i didn't do it until the end of march. i used turbotax again, and i really recommend it. it stored all my company information, and remembered random information that i didn't know i needed. and i didn't have to call my mom and ask her any questions about how to do it this time, because i'm so grown up.

kind of.

today at work, i felt stupid.

we got this new toy. it's this yellow, furry thing. it has a head. it has hands, but no arms. feet, but no legs. it sings and dances. but there's no switch to turn it on. i had a really hard time figuring out how to make it work. i was squeezing it, and throwing it around, and every now and then...it would sing and dance. but it took me all day to figure out how.

there's a button on the hand that you push. i have no idea why it took me so long to figure that out. that should have been the first place i looked. i was poking its ears and turning it upside down. it was sad.

but i still have absolutely no idea what it is, or what to call it.

the exception.

there are only two movies that i have seen more than once in the theater.

well, kind of four.

i saw each of the lord of the rings more than once, because i just couldn't get enough. good overcoming evil. hobbits. legolas. i've discussed this before.

the other movie i saw more than once was "ever after." i don't remember why i liked it so much. i guess that was the first "creative" movie i ever really saw. it took an old story and made it new. it was funny. cinderella was intelligent. one of the evil stepsisters was nice. anyway...

today i saw a movie that i really, really, really want to see again. i have been waiting my entire adult life for someone to make this movie. seriously. i was hoping "27 dresses" would go there, but it didn't.

this movie...

ahhh. it's so good. the problems are real. the conversations are real. the stories are real. i'm not giving anything away...some people fall in love. so don't be afraid to see it if that's what you're wanting to see. there are several stories going on at once, and i am seriously impressed with it. cynicism mixed with hope. simply brilliant.

and it's funny too.

i've said before that pride and prejudice is a story i relate to more than any other story "except for the mr. darcy part." i always have to say that. but not with this movie. from beginning to end, it is real.

so if anyone wants to see it...take me with you.

coincidence:

drew barrymore is also in ever after.

the only conversation i had with my boss today:

"here is a fish for your classroom. think of a name for it. feed it, and keep it alive for a couple weeks. i'm not good with fish. i may have....done something to it..."

we went with fred.

but i think "moby dick" would have been awesome. if i ever own a fish again, i'm naming it moby dick. decision made.

i am not a robot.

so, you know how when you comment on someone's blog, or log into some websites, you sometimes have to type in some letters to verify your humanity?

am i the only one who sometimes has no idea what the letters are?

seriously.

i just did one, and could not figure out the difference between an L and a T. those are nothing alike. but the way the letters were bunched together...i almost didn't pass the test.

my existence was almost rejected.