i...
um...
had a really bad week...
the only descriptive words coming to mind are profane.
a few months ago i was out to dinner with people, and one of them asked "are you at your breaking point yet?" and i said no. and i remember wondering what that would even feel or look like.
well, i'm there.
i can't describe it without those words...i just can't. not even with the aid of my word-a-day calendar.
so i'm at my "breaking point" and i'm stuck there, because there's nothing i can do. it's NOT AWESOME. i'm just...breaking.
anyway,
normally when i get off work, i require a period of silence to unwind. because of all the screaming children. a couple times this week i turned on, um, Christian radio. i needed something that wouldn't feed the madness. and there were a couple songs that were...appropriate.
the fun/weird part was that one of them is by a guy that i went to belmont with. it's josh wilson. the song is "savior, please." and there's another one that came on by a cheesy band with a queer name. it's "hold" by superchick. groan.
two videos. a TINY GLIMPSE into my current mental state.
here's something i'm working through:
God has never promised me a life of comfort or ease. He has never guaranteed that i will get along with my coworkers, or that my boss will be reasonable. i'm just glad i have other promises to get me through whatever it is i'm going through.
(watching the superchick video was funny. i started out thinking "whoever made this is seriously disturbed. or maybe just extremely emo. these images are weird." and then eventually, "this captures the breaking point perfectly. this person is a genius." so, i don't know what that means for me, but i don't think it's good...)
Friday, January 9, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
two.
i got some DVDs for Christmas and i've been watching them nonstop.
some quotes:
(at thanksgiving dinner)
luke: we should give thanks that we aren't native americans who had our land stolen in exchange for smallpox-infested blankets.
emily: we just bought a chair that's a hundred years old! you can't sit in it.
richard: it is one of the great pleasures of my life to surround you with things you'll never use. i'm never happier than when we're standing in the corner, staring at our furniture.
lorelai: i'm just saying, sometimes eating a walnut is preferred to being hacked to death or set on fire during dinner.
richard: i have yet to see the day when the knowledge of the inner workings of a frog's intestines is of use to me as an insurance salesman.
rory: do something to make me hate you!
lorelai: umm...go hitler?
lane: the very concept of childbirth is vaguely disturbing.
rory: yeah. kids are cool and all, but getting there seems like a big cosmic joke.
lane: definitely thought up by a man.
rory: my mom said that when she told me where babies come from.
lane: my mom still hasn't told me. when my cousin got pregnant, she said it's because an angel brushed its wings against her face.
i could go on and on.
and, oh yeah, that's gilmore girls.
i decided not to open with that fact, because skeptics (see: mostly boys) are turned off because the word "girls" is in the title. but, you laughed at those quotes. i know you did.
some quotes:
(at thanksgiving dinner)
luke: we should give thanks that we aren't native americans who had our land stolen in exchange for smallpox-infested blankets.
emily: we just bought a chair that's a hundred years old! you can't sit in it.
richard: it is one of the great pleasures of my life to surround you with things you'll never use. i'm never happier than when we're standing in the corner, staring at our furniture.
lorelai: i'm just saying, sometimes eating a walnut is preferred to being hacked to death or set on fire during dinner.
richard: i have yet to see the day when the knowledge of the inner workings of a frog's intestines is of use to me as an insurance salesman.
rory: do something to make me hate you!
lorelai: umm...go hitler?
lane: the very concept of childbirth is vaguely disturbing.
rory: yeah. kids are cool and all, but getting there seems like a big cosmic joke.
lane: definitely thought up by a man.
rory: my mom said that when she told me where babies come from.
lane: my mom still hasn't told me. when my cousin got pregnant, she said it's because an angel brushed its wings against her face.
i could go on and on.
and, oh yeah, that's gilmore girls.
i decided not to open with that fact, because skeptics (see: mostly boys) are turned off because the word "girls" is in the title. but, you laughed at those quotes. i know you did.
rock-a-bye baby.
dads are funny.
they don't quite know how to parent their children. they break the rules. they disregard structure. they come up with really strange solutions to child-rearing problems.
today, one of the moms told me a funny story about a kid in my class. apparently, when she left school on tuesday, her dad picked her up. and she fell asleep in the car as soon as they left the parking lot. when they got home, the dad was afraid to wake her up. he didn't want her to freak out and cry a lot. instead of taking that risk, he...left her in the car. with a window cracked so she could breathe. and he made dinner. while she slept in the car.
what.
it made me think of my dad. he never did anything like that. but things were different when mom was gone. one memory that really stands out is when he used to rock me to sleep. that sounds awesome, right? it was. pretty much the best feeling ever. and it doesn't sound like a problem, does it? it was. my mom would be gone at night sometimes...i can't remember why. i guess she was helping at church or something. and when she was gone, we knew we'd be getting rocked to sleep by daddy. i think we only did it when she was gone, but i'm not positive. i just have very vivid memories of hearing her car pull into the driveway, and then sprinting to the bedroom and pretending to be asleep. my mom didn't want us staying up late, or getting out of bed after they put us to sleep. that's why we had to hide it from her. we had a way of getting out of bed and charming dad into rocking us, just so we could stay up later. she saw right through us. so it had to be a secret.
it probably wasn't. she probably knew. but how mad could she get? can you think of anything more precious than him rocking us to sleep, and us begging him to do it?
dads are funny.
they don't quite know how to parent their children. they break the rules. they disregard structure. they come up with really strange solutions to child-rearing problems.
today, one of the moms told me a funny story about a kid in my class. apparently, when she left school on tuesday, her dad picked her up. and she fell asleep in the car as soon as they left the parking lot. when they got home, the dad was afraid to wake her up. he didn't want her to freak out and cry a lot. instead of taking that risk, he...left her in the car. with a window cracked so she could breathe. and he made dinner. while she slept in the car.
what.
it made me think of my dad. he never did anything like that. but things were different when mom was gone. one memory that really stands out is when he used to rock me to sleep. that sounds awesome, right? it was. pretty much the best feeling ever. and it doesn't sound like a problem, does it? it was. my mom would be gone at night sometimes...i can't remember why. i guess she was helping at church or something. and when she was gone, we knew we'd be getting rocked to sleep by daddy. i think we only did it when she was gone, but i'm not positive. i just have very vivid memories of hearing her car pull into the driveway, and then sprinting to the bedroom and pretending to be asleep. my mom didn't want us staying up late, or getting out of bed after they put us to sleep. that's why we had to hide it from her. we had a way of getting out of bed and charming dad into rocking us, just so we could stay up later. she saw right through us. so it had to be a secret.
it probably wasn't. she probably knew. but how mad could she get? can you think of anything more precious than him rocking us to sleep, and us begging him to do it?
dads are funny.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
cheerios.
i am not a morning person, and i'm not just saying that.
the proof:
1) this morning i felt chilly, so i decided to wear an extra t-shirt under my work shirt. i got to work, and then started to take my jacket off. it was then that i discovered i had forgotten to put my actual work shirt on.
2) i had a letter to stick in the mail a few days ago. so i put it directly in front of my door, so that i couldn't miss it on my way out. i have to do those sorts of things, because i know i don't function well in the morning. everything has to be set out the night before. breakfast on the counter, lunch prepared in the fridge...everything. i put the letter in front of the door, so i wouldn't miss it. and i didn't miss it. i grabbed it, and patted myself on the back in my mind (?), and walked out the door. and straight to my car without putting it in my mailbox. i realized it later when i got back in my car and saw the envelope sitting on my passenger seat.
3) i think i've mentioned this one before, but it's worth repeating. i went to a concert a few months ago. so i was out later than usual. i still had to get up at 6am to get ready for work. it was worth it. BUT...the next morning, i was feeling ambitious and decided to make cereal. usually i'll just grab a bagel or pop tart or something that doesn't require assembly. big mistake. i spilled the cereal all over the front of myself. and when i got back from work that day, i discovered i had also put the milk on top of the fridge. so it was ruined. that's ok, because i laughed at myself.
i mean, it's funny, right? if it's too early, i can't feed myself or dress myself. there was another time i went to work with my shirt on inside out. awesome.
you know how heaven exists outside of time?
i think it's always 6am in hell.
the proof:
1) this morning i felt chilly, so i decided to wear an extra t-shirt under my work shirt. i got to work, and then started to take my jacket off. it was then that i discovered i had forgotten to put my actual work shirt on.
2) i had a letter to stick in the mail a few days ago. so i put it directly in front of my door, so that i couldn't miss it on my way out. i have to do those sorts of things, because i know i don't function well in the morning. everything has to be set out the night before. breakfast on the counter, lunch prepared in the fridge...everything. i put the letter in front of the door, so i wouldn't miss it. and i didn't miss it. i grabbed it, and patted myself on the back in my mind (?), and walked out the door. and straight to my car without putting it in my mailbox. i realized it later when i got back in my car and saw the envelope sitting on my passenger seat.
3) i think i've mentioned this one before, but it's worth repeating. i went to a concert a few months ago. so i was out later than usual. i still had to get up at 6am to get ready for work. it was worth it. BUT...the next morning, i was feeling ambitious and decided to make cereal. usually i'll just grab a bagel or pop tart or something that doesn't require assembly. big mistake. i spilled the cereal all over the front of myself. and when i got back from work that day, i discovered i had also put the milk on top of the fridge. so it was ruined. that's ok, because i laughed at myself.
i mean, it's funny, right? if it's too early, i can't feed myself or dress myself. there was another time i went to work with my shirt on inside out. awesome.
you know how heaven exists outside of time?
i think it's always 6am in hell.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
epiphany
"When her cupcakes sold out in minutes at the bake sale, Janet had the epiphany that she should try to open a small bakery of her own."
lame.
that's my word of the day on my calendar. i've used that word a million times before.
but i had a semi-epiphany today. i already knew what i learned, but it was good confirmation.
i hate coffee.
i had a meeting at work tonight. but i also had a couple hours before the meeting...time to kill. so my routine for these meetings is to go get chickfila for dinner, and then wander aimlessly around borders. maybe buy a book, maybe not. but they have a really good clearance section i like to peruse. (that one was not on my word of the day calendar. i just know it.)
and then i thought i could go sit in the borders cafe area for a little while. and maybe try some coffee. i haven't sampled any in years. it always looks delicious. other people seem to like it. maybe my tastes have changed.
i wanted to throw up all over myself.
i know, any coffee fiends* out there are just going to say "that's because you got coffee at BORDERS!"
no.
i just hate coffee.
*i'm not a genius. but lately...my vocabulary (lexicon!) has been out of control. i don't know what's going on, but i like (enjoy, take pleasure in, rejoice in!) it.
lame.
that's my word of the day on my calendar. i've used that word a million times before.
but i had a semi-epiphany today. i already knew what i learned, but it was good confirmation.
i hate coffee.
i had a meeting at work tonight. but i also had a couple hours before the meeting...time to kill. so my routine for these meetings is to go get chickfila for dinner, and then wander aimlessly around borders. maybe buy a book, maybe not. but they have a really good clearance section i like to peruse. (that one was not on my word of the day calendar. i just know it.)
and then i thought i could go sit in the borders cafe area for a little while. and maybe try some coffee. i haven't sampled any in years. it always looks delicious. other people seem to like it. maybe my tastes have changed.
i wanted to throw up all over myself.
i know, any coffee fiends* out there are just going to say "that's because you got coffee at BORDERS!"
no.
i just hate coffee.
*i'm not a genius. but lately...my vocabulary (lexicon!) has been out of control. i don't know what's going on, but i like (enjoy, take pleasure in, rejoice in!) it.
Friday, January 2, 2009
the most surreal part of my day:
i had a headache when i got off work...
and when i was stopped at a red light with the window down...
a beggar asked me if i was feeling ok, because i looked sick.
it seemed wrong, somehow.
and when i was stopped at a red light with the window down...
a beggar asked me if i was feeling ok, because i looked sick.
it seemed wrong, somehow.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
it's ok. you can say it.
i'm a nerd.
one of my gifts this year was a gift card to barnes and noble.
i used every dollar of it today.
i am unspeakably excited.
i've heard a lot of authors say that this book inspires their writing, or that it's one of their favorite books. so obviously i have to read it.
saw the movie. liked it. usually i read the book first. reading the book second this time makes me feel wild and crazy.
i've only read one play by him before. but it was funny...so. here's another one.
seems respectable.
i've heard good things about this one. it's important to know what unbelievers think, you know. i watched the movie "saved" a few years ago, and was sad to hear that one of my unbelieving friends thinks that's how Christians really are.
a high school friend just recommended this book to me. it's russian. i'm scared.
and i bought a few books that i've read before, because i like them so much i know i'll read them several more times. like a hundred more times. a hundred million more times.
so good!! it's crazy, and funny, and insightful, and sad. read it.
i read this in college. and this is the book that made me want to read classic literature. i wasn't required to read anything in high school. i was home-schooled. i think i read "swiss family robinson" and "in his steps." that's all i remember reading. so i took american literature in college, instead of a foreign language. i partially regret that because i'd like to be bilingual. but it really made me want to read classic literature! the scarlet letter was so good, and then we read a few others that were too...and i've been trying to catch up with the rest of the world ever since then.
so here's the deal. if you want to know me, read pride and prejudice. i AM the pre-darcy elizabeth bennett. i have never related to any character in any book or movie more than i relate to her. i'm serious. everything she says is a thought i've had at some point. and then she falls in love and i don't relate to that.
and then i had another gift card to use at the mall. a parent at work gave it to me. i got some lotion and boring stuff, but then i also went into williams-sonoma. and ok, this is boring too. but i got two cookbooks. one for making salads, and one for making all different kinds of chicken. i like chicken.
and then i had $5 left...
and i got a calendar that will teach me a new word every day...
today's word is "skylark."
it's a verb. it means "to run up and down the rigging of a ship in sport" or "to frolic or sport."
neat.
i feel kind of materialistic right now. but i didn't buy any of it. so..i'm good...
one of my gifts this year was a gift card to barnes and noble.
i used every dollar of it today.
i am unspeakably excited.
i've heard a lot of authors say that this book inspires their writing, or that it's one of their favorite books. so obviously i have to read it.
saw the movie. liked it. usually i read the book first. reading the book second this time makes me feel wild and crazy.
i've only read one play by him before. but it was funny...so. here's another one.
seems respectable.
i've heard good things about this one. it's important to know what unbelievers think, you know. i watched the movie "saved" a few years ago, and was sad to hear that one of my unbelieving friends thinks that's how Christians really are.
a high school friend just recommended this book to me. it's russian. i'm scared.
and i bought a few books that i've read before, because i like them so much i know i'll read them several more times. like a hundred more times. a hundred million more times.
so good!! it's crazy, and funny, and insightful, and sad. read it.
i read this in college. and this is the book that made me want to read classic literature. i wasn't required to read anything in high school. i was home-schooled. i think i read "swiss family robinson" and "in his steps." that's all i remember reading. so i took american literature in college, instead of a foreign language. i partially regret that because i'd like to be bilingual. but it really made me want to read classic literature! the scarlet letter was so good, and then we read a few others that were too...and i've been trying to catch up with the rest of the world ever since then.
so here's the deal. if you want to know me, read pride and prejudice. i AM the pre-darcy elizabeth bennett. i have never related to any character in any book or movie more than i relate to her. i'm serious. everything she says is a thought i've had at some point. and then she falls in love and i don't relate to that.
and then i had another gift card to use at the mall. a parent at work gave it to me. i got some lotion and boring stuff, but then i also went into williams-sonoma. and ok, this is boring too. but i got two cookbooks. one for making salads, and one for making all different kinds of chicken. i like chicken.
and then i had $5 left...
and i got a calendar that will teach me a new word every day...
today's word is "skylark."
it's a verb. it means "to run up and down the rigging of a ship in sport" or "to frolic or sport."
neat.
i feel kind of materialistic right now. but i didn't buy any of it. so..i'm good...
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