eery.

i'm not a supporter of posting twice in one day.

unless..

i go to youtube, and this is what they recommend for me:

sorry you have to work extra hard and click a link. no embedding allowed. warning: this is bizarre and disturbing. and long, so start about 2 minutes in. musical nightmares might result.

i assume because of all the ben sollee videos i watch, youtube thought (you know, with its computer mind...) "she'll LOVE this."

youtube fail.

but THEN i decided to go watch some videos i've made, and found this old gem. it's from may of last year. see: not december. i turned the camera on just knowing that something strange would happen. i do love my family. ignore the ceramic clowns, totem pole head, and shag carpeting. there's no time to focus on that. it's my grandparents' house. full of many wonders.



time for bed, and wednesday.

i understand every word.

the summer program at my school is a bit different from the regular school year. there are less kids, and more "summery" lesson plans. we usually order curriculum and use it, but during the summer my boss prints random stuff off the internet for us to use.

it might take a minute for what i'm about to say to sink in. there is only a punch line. nothing else. so just give yourself a few extra seconds.

my boss wants us to plan some activities with an olympic theme, because the summer olympics are in beijing this year.

......

waiting for it...

wait. what's this? the greatest sports moment of all time (yes, i really do think so), in beijing? at the summer olympics? a year ago?



i don't think i'm smarter than my boss or anything, i'm not trying to say that.

i thought it was funny-ish, and also felt like reliving the summer of phelps.

50.58 was his time, 50.59 was the second place guy.

WOW.

that wasn't even his record-setting 8th gold medal. i think it's the greatest sports moment because of how close it was, and how far behind he was before the last few seconds.

WOW.

i do love the olympics. which are happening in just a couple weeks!

ok, i'm done.

a laugh and a look.

there's a korean kid in my class. his parents and grandparents speak no english in their house. which is fine. i think that's cool actually. bilingualness...very great. i support that.

but it makes communicating with him a challenge.

today on the playground he started chewing on things he should not be chewing on. mulch, to be specific. (ewwwww...) so i went over to him and told him to spit it out. no way was i fishing around for it. but he doesn't know what "spit it out" means.

so i had to demonstrate.

there's today's laugh. i LAUGHED!

and i woke up with this tune in my head:

My hope is built on nothing less
than Jesus' blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
but wholly lean on Jesus' name.

When Darkness veils his lovely face,
I rest on his unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
my anchor holds within the veil.

His oath, his covenant, his blood
supports me in the whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,
he then is all my hope and stay.

When he shall come with trumpet sound,
O may I then in him be found!
Dressed in his righteousness alone,
faultless to stand before the throne!

a lament.

i usually hate sunday nights after church. it's the last few hours of peace before the week begins.

sunday nights have seemed less brutal the past several months. i was feeling good about some things in my life, so going to a job that sucks the life out of me didn't bother me as much.

those things turned out to be not as good as i thought. so then the realization that my job is the essence of my life...well. that's kind of soul-crushing.

i'm kind of confused about the idea of "hope." do i continue to hope that good things will come, and be let down over and over again...or do i just say "expect nothing pleasant. deal with your life as it is. face the facts. this is how things are. this is how things are going to be."

neither of those are enjoyable to me. i don't enjoy hoping and then realizing "NOPE. not gonna happen." and i also don't enjoy being cynical.

this week has just been a reminder that expecting anything in this broken world to satisfy me is a foolish idea. the only One who consistently lives up to good expectations is Jesus.

but wait. that doesn't sound exactly right. is it true that there is nothing good in this world to enjoy? nothing to hope for? i don't understand hope. i don't understand its place in my life. i don't understand what to do with it.

i understand, and believe with all my heart, that God is good. it's the only fact that is ever proven true time and time again. it's what continually lifts my spirit on days like today, and helps me through days like tomorrow. it's not just something that sounds nice. it's something that is actually true. it's not just a comforting idea. it is the actual essence of my life. "the essence of my life." i don't know how to explain that phrase. i'm just hoping (?) you understand.

but what do i feel about everything else?

i have been lifted out of a meaningless and depraved existence, and have been brought near to Christ. tonight, that's the only thing that's not confusing.

and oh my gosh, i'm so tired of a blog being my only place to express myself. even if it's just a day when i want to say "something so funny happened!" it's annoying that i live by myself and have to tell it to a blog. and really, that's usually all i want to do. laugh about something. so i could be one of those people who dramatically shuts down my blog, but then i'd have nowhere to share the funny thoughts. and if i don't find something to laugh about every day, i feel...

like this.

and i'm not excited to go to work tomorrow, work really hard to make sure the individual needs of twelve children are met all day, and then be made to feel like a failure because there aren't 24 legos in the lego box, there are only 19.

i think that adds up to about a million looks at Christ i need to take.

we discovered dinosaurs.

there was something on my mind this week, and only one person who would understand.

the funniest person in the world.

i e-mailed him partly because i really needed some insight, and partly because i knew he'd make my mind explode with hilarious comments.

what i did not expect was a complete lift of my spirit. not because he's a jerk or something. i knew he'd be helpful with insight and humor. but he told me he consistently prays about the thing that was bothering me this week, and i had no idea he does that. we don't even talk that much anymore. what a blessing real friendship is!

i have a lot of wonderful friends, near and far. but ford gets the "friend of the week" award. which includes an entire blog post about him. and...that's actually it.

we've known each other since elementary school, in a way. i remember his mom threw us some killer class parties, with ice cream sundaes. i remember i won the class spelling bee in 4th grade, but victory was stolen from me by ford in 5th grade. i don't remember if he won, i just remember he correctly spelled the word that stumped me. ("i misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word 'failure.'" - dwight schrute).

we didn't spend a lot of time together in middle school and high school, even though he was always around. but when i moved to college we started talking a lot for some reason, and he's helped me through a number of life problems. like when i found a bug with a lot of legs in my dorm room, he encouraged me not to sleep in the hallway because of fear. while mercilessly mocking me.

when he and his girlfriend get married, they're going to name their first daughter after me. at least, i figure he'll eventually give in to my requests to do so.

anyway...

thankful for friends! they all walk through life with me in different ways, and carry my burdens.

that picture is us re-digging a hole that we used to dig every day in elementary school. every day. it would eventually get too deep and the teachers would fill it back in, but we'd just get right back to work the next day. i'm not sure what we were trying to accomplish.

when i was in college, i made an entire section of my website funny quotes from our long-distance conversations. i still have the link, but you can't handle it. we were young. immature. but here are a few that won't disturb anyone too much:

EmperorFord: you tried to kill your fish?
bruinmusicgirl: they were a nuisance
EmperorFord: but starvation?
bruinmusicgirl: better than the toilet.
EmperorFord: did you print Arbeit Macht Frei on the glass?
bruinmusicgirl: i dont get your educated jokes
EmperorFord: it's what they had written on the gates above Aushwitz
EmperorFord: it was a concentration camp joke
bruinmusicgirl: good one

EmperorFord: my goal is to make you just see the word "HATE" in big red letters every time you close your eyes

EmperorFord: hello
bruinmusicgirl: hey whats up
EmperorFord: reading about some supernova they just spotted and having an existential crisis

bruinmusicgirl: i would like to see the diary of anne frank as a movie
EmperorFord: they made it into a movie
EmperorFord: the end is so sad
bruinmusicgirl: dont tell me how it ends
EmperorFord: because it turns out that darth vader wasn't irredeemable, and he throws hitler into the reactor core, but then dies from his wounds

EmperorFord: you are so overbearing
bruinmusicgirl: i know.
EmperorFord: i was joking!!
bruinmusicgirl: i know.
EmperorFord: i know.

don't eat glue.

it's common knowledge by now that i'm a big fan of nyquil. i once wrote an ode to nyquil in haiku form, while under the influence. (of nyquil...)

i have a new favorite item in my first aid supply. it's not as good as nyquil, but it does make me feel tingly.

hydrogen peroxide!!!

that's what i'm cleaning my rusty nail cut with, and wow. it's so much fun. it bubbles. i pour it on, and then it just starts bubbling. so great.

i'm not going to start cutting myself just so i can use it or anything. i'm just saying that next time i get cut, i'll be a little less sad.

and it has also become very clear to me that i would be a drug addict if i had no Jesus. i'm not making a joke. i think i would be.

too bad tetanus shots don't have a silver lining.

i do feel strangely confident though. like i could just lay in a bed of rusty nails and walk away unscathed.

i lack cotton balls.

so, are you ready for the most vague, confusing, and cryptic thing i've ever said on my blog?

last night i stayed up late and blogged, against my better judgment. me and my best friend/roommate had a saying in college. "if it's after 10pm, we're either asleep or crazy." it still holds true.

i had a fun time last night, and wanted to blog about it. i mean, what's a blog for, right? so i type out some fond memories and sum it up with a deep thought. and i went to bed.

i woke up this morning, and realized...oh no. i think i just did something incredibly weird. and kind of creepy. i'm not going to say what it was. i deleted that post. but if you saw it, and know why it was weird and creepy...wow. it was so unintentional. seriously. unintentional.

and if you didn't see it, and don't know why it was weird...well. moving on.

TODAY.

what a day.

i started out mildly concerned about the bizarre thing i accidentally, ACCIDENTALLY, did last night. not worried or freaking out, just...mildly concerned.

it soon became the least of my problems.

a brief recap:

flat tire in the middle of the day.

frantic call to kyla who saved the day by sending someone i barely even know to help me change it.

the spare tire has been in my trunk for so long, that the knob to release it was rusted shut, and he was unable to get it out. i wasted an hour of his life. i was hoping he could show me how to change a tire, so i could be less lame. but now i just feel bad that his time was wasted. wasted.

while trying to get to the spare tire, i cut myself on a rusty nail. i cut myself on a rusty nail.

but the school maintenance man came in this afternoon, and took a look. he was able to loosen it some with his tools, but discovered it was flat.

then he whipped out a maintenance man magical potion, and patched it, and filled it with air. how? i don't know.

when i got off, i drove a short distance to firestone. they were able to hook me up with a new tire in an hour.

and then i went and got a tetanus shot.

what. a. bad. day.

while driving to get my tetanus shot, i reflected on the day's events and felt like God was deserving of some praises. i've never been terribly successful at the "look at Christ ten times for every look at myself" thing, but today i was overwhelmed by His goodness. i began to list what went right today, and quickly realized the list was a lot longer than i expected. it's not good to cry while you're driving. i almost did though.

and for some reason, whenever i have a car problem, it makes me feel very alone. it's kind of hard to deal with by yourself sometimes. and that's basically what i have to do. but kyla and the guy i barely know made me feel not alone. they both go to my church, and i was once again very grateful for the community i'm part of. i'll save my thoughts on "social poverty/relational poverty" for another day because this is getting long. and my arm hurts. (translation: waaaaaaahhhhh.)

i think that's it.

an actually brief recap:

sorry about the, uhhh....

one flat tire, and one flat spare tire.

rusty nail.

God is the best part of my life. don't know what i'd do without Him.