this is fun. for me.
here is a list of all the books i read this year:
1. Downtown Owl - Chuck Klosterman
2. unChristian - David Kinnaman
3. Beyond Band of Brothers - Richard Winters
4. Spurgeon vs. Hypercalvinism - Iain H. Murray
5. The Reason for God - Tim Keller
6. Macbeth - Shakespeare
7. Angels and Demons - Dan Brown
8. The Rime of the Ancient Mariner and Other Poems - Coleridge
9. ANNA KARENINA - LEO TOLSTOY
10. The Man Who Mistook His Wife For a Hat - Oliver Sacks
11. The Prodigal God - Tim Keller
12. Economics In One Lesson - Henry Hazlitt
13. Uncle Tom's Cabin - Harriet Beecher Stowe
14. The Importance of Being Earnest - Oscar Wilde
15. King Lear - Shakespeare
16. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone - J. K. Rowling
17. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
18. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
19. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
20. Keeping the Sabbath Wholly - Marva J. Dawn
21. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
22. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
23. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
24. The Irresistible Revolution - Shane Claiborne
25. Frankenstein - Mary Shelley
26. Lincoln and Douglas - Allen C. Guelzo
27. five things i can't live without - Holly Shumas
29. Beowulf - Seamus Heaney
29. The Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
30. How People Change - Lane/Tripp
31. Jane Eyre (in progress)
thirty books in one year! now i'm going to enter into a competition with myself and see if i can top that in 2010.
least favorite:
five things i can't live without.
i saw it in a clearance bin for a few dollars, and took a risk. the plot sounded interesting. it was not.
favorites:
the importance of being earnest.
so unspeakably hilarious. a 50 page play. read it.
the harry potter series.
i expected to like them, because so many people i dont hate like them. but i enjoyed them for reasons i didn't expect. i think it was this huge story about the value of relationships.
economics in one lesson.
a friend recommended this one because i'm building my understanding of politics and government. it was written several decades ago, and it blew my mind how applicable it still is. i guess the basic principles never change, but it was still very interesting for him to write about how a nation could implode if it's not careful...while living on the edge of that very implosion.
beyond band of brothers.
by itself, this isn't an amazing book. but i've read band of brothers before so i really appreciated this one because of that. it's about all these guys and what they did in world war 2. written by my old man crush, richard winters. not to be confused with my dead man crush, c.s. lewis.
check out that variety. books about war, and harry potter, and theology, and plays and...
ANNA KARENINA.
i hated that book. i hated all 754 pages of it. every russian thought. no, that's not true. it was just very hard to read. i see its value. but i will not be reading it again. ever. but you should! i guess. it was my first russian novel. so that's neat.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
'tis the most stressful time of the year.
the next 6-7 weeks of work are going to be super stressful.
in february we have our annual evaluation. we don't know what day yet, but should find out soon.
we only have to have a certain score to pass, but if we don't get a score higher than that...we probably lose our jobs. even though we passed.
there are so many unpredictable factors. no amount of preparation can control 2 year olds.
there are about 100 rules to be aware of all day. not exaggerating. there are so many categories we get scored on, but they all overlap.
tonight i brought back the book of how we get scored, and made a bunch of lists of rules to make it easier to understand for my co-teacher. she's new to this process. we've been working on some of them, but there's just so much...we need to hang up reminders all over the room.
it's hard for me to not worry about this. but i'm so thankful for how God helped us last year. only 3 rooms get chosen, and mine has been picked 2 years in a row. last year i was praying "please don't let us be picked. please." over and over, from the moment i woke up until i got the call that said we were picked. and then i cussed.
but while we were waiting for that call, i remember being aware of how calm things were going so far. which is not normal. and a few things were going well that usually don't go well, and i felt like God was saying "don't worry...I'm going to help you..." and i was thinking "i don't care...i'm asking You to not let this room be picked...that's what i'm asking..."
it's so revealing. every time i start to worry about it again, it's another reminder that my sense of security comes from my job...and not from Christ like it should.
and when i read the old testament, i see how whenever the Israelites worry about something, God says "but REMEMBER what I've done. I brought you out of Egypt. I did this. I did that. REMEMBER??"
so for the next 6-7 weeks (and for the rest of my life), i'm going to work on remembering and trusting. it's hard. no matter how hard i prepare, i can't control it. i'm not good with uncertainty or lack of control. but God is. remind me of that, please.
check out the very condensed, incomplete lists of rules we're going to be working on:
yes. i made them on construction paper.
i just counted. that's 75 rules right there. so we have well over 100 rules. that have to be obeyed, in part, by 2 year olds.
i'm worrying again, aren't i.
too bad this 2 year old isn't in my class, since she's PERFECT.
in february we have our annual evaluation. we don't know what day yet, but should find out soon.
we only have to have a certain score to pass, but if we don't get a score higher than that...we probably lose our jobs. even though we passed.
there are so many unpredictable factors. no amount of preparation can control 2 year olds.
there are about 100 rules to be aware of all day. not exaggerating. there are so many categories we get scored on, but they all overlap.
tonight i brought back the book of how we get scored, and made a bunch of lists of rules to make it easier to understand for my co-teacher. she's new to this process. we've been working on some of them, but there's just so much...we need to hang up reminders all over the room.
it's hard for me to not worry about this. but i'm so thankful for how God helped us last year. only 3 rooms get chosen, and mine has been picked 2 years in a row. last year i was praying "please don't let us be picked. please." over and over, from the moment i woke up until i got the call that said we were picked. and then i cussed.
but while we were waiting for that call, i remember being aware of how calm things were going so far. which is not normal. and a few things were going well that usually don't go well, and i felt like God was saying "don't worry...I'm going to help you..." and i was thinking "i don't care...i'm asking You to not let this room be picked...that's what i'm asking..."
it's so revealing. every time i start to worry about it again, it's another reminder that my sense of security comes from my job...and not from Christ like it should.
and when i read the old testament, i see how whenever the Israelites worry about something, God says "but REMEMBER what I've done. I brought you out of Egypt. I did this. I did that. REMEMBER??"
so for the next 6-7 weeks (and for the rest of my life), i'm going to work on remembering and trusting. it's hard. no matter how hard i prepare, i can't control it. i'm not good with uncertainty or lack of control. but God is. remind me of that, please.
check out the very condensed, incomplete lists of rules we're going to be working on:
yes. i made them on construction paper.
i just counted. that's 75 rules right there. so we have well over 100 rules. that have to be obeyed, in part, by 2 year olds.
i'm worrying again, aren't i.
too bad this 2 year old isn't in my class, since she's PERFECT.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
the mundane.
- trip over. i'm back.
- i hate continental express jets. they make me feel sick. they're really hot. and my ears hurt every time i fly on them. it takes an hour or so for me to hear well again. and the woman next to me threw up. so no, it's not just me.
- i had to park in long-term parking. when i took the shuttle back to my spot, a mom by herself with her 2 year old got on. with two huge bags of luggage. i helped her with them, and felt like...a gentleman. not one man offered to help her! that would not happen in texas. i helped her. it's not that i think it's the men who have to do it, it's just that they always do in texas. without hesitation. the Christian guys here do, usually. but in texas...they all do.
- my vague new year's resolution is that i am not putting any of my cards on the table.
- my public new year's resolution is that i will continue seeking good news sources. i have been reading glenn greenwald on salon.com, and it's been so great. he is not perfect, but he finds things to praise and criticize about "both sides" in politics. and since i'm a "no side" kind of a person, i find that refreshing. but i need more than one source. everyone does.
- monday. sigh.
- i hate continental express jets. they make me feel sick. they're really hot. and my ears hurt every time i fly on them. it takes an hour or so for me to hear well again. and the woman next to me threw up. so no, it's not just me.
- i had to park in long-term parking. when i took the shuttle back to my spot, a mom by herself with her 2 year old got on. with two huge bags of luggage. i helped her with them, and felt like...a gentleman. not one man offered to help her! that would not happen in texas. i helped her. it's not that i think it's the men who have to do it, it's just that they always do in texas. without hesitation. the Christian guys here do, usually. but in texas...they all do.
- my vague new year's resolution is that i am not putting any of my cards on the table.
- my public new year's resolution is that i will continue seeking good news sources. i have been reading glenn greenwald on salon.com, and it's been so great. he is not perfect, but he finds things to praise and criticize about "both sides" in politics. and since i'm a "no side" kind of a person, i find that refreshing. but i need more than one source. everyone does.
- monday. sigh.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
my kind of lullabye.
Christmas Eve:
- last night i got to fall asleep to the soothing sounds of a thunderstorm. a texas thunderstorm. they are, of course, more magical. i sleep like a baby in thunderstorms, because i grew up with them. i'm glad this trip included one.
- my dad has the day off, and he chose to watch garfield. he was also laughing hysterically when my sister watched bewitched. the movie. you never know what will make him laugh. he's a very serious man. but whenever he sees something he thinks is funny, he can't hold back. it's always unexpected. love it.
- i mentioned yesterday that i'm going through a "surprise" phase. last night i wrapped presents and remembered this is not so new. for several years now, i have been leaving labels off the presents i wrap so my siblings won't know which one is theirs, and therefore...cannot guess what it is. to preserve the surprise! AND, when we were younger, my mom let each of us pick one present to unwrap on Christmas eve. i never did. i saved them all.
- Christmas threw up in this house. everything is red and green, santa themed, or sparkly. this is not your normal Christmas decor. i'm sitting next to a tissue box, which has a knitted red and green cover. there are nutcrackers, gingerbread men candles, musical trinkets, and four sleighs with different functions all within eyesight.
- i am looking forward to the service tonight, even though it takes place in a church with a culture that is the opposite of the one i attend. it's the main event for me this year. this year i have felt renewed wonder and excitement about what happened that day in that stable...
- last night i got to fall asleep to the soothing sounds of a thunderstorm. a texas thunderstorm. they are, of course, more magical. i sleep like a baby in thunderstorms, because i grew up with them. i'm glad this trip included one.
- my dad has the day off, and he chose to watch garfield. he was also laughing hysterically when my sister watched bewitched. the movie. you never know what will make him laugh. he's a very serious man. but whenever he sees something he thinks is funny, he can't hold back. it's always unexpected. love it.
- i mentioned yesterday that i'm going through a "surprise" phase. last night i wrapped presents and remembered this is not so new. for several years now, i have been leaving labels off the presents i wrap so my siblings won't know which one is theirs, and therefore...cannot guess what it is. to preserve the surprise! AND, when we were younger, my mom let each of us pick one present to unwrap on Christmas eve. i never did. i saved them all.
- Christmas threw up in this house. everything is red and green, santa themed, or sparkly. this is not your normal Christmas decor. i'm sitting next to a tissue box, which has a knitted red and green cover. there are nutcrackers, gingerbread men candles, musical trinkets, and four sleighs with different functions all within eyesight.
- i am looking forward to the service tonight, even though it takes place in a church with a culture that is the opposite of the one i attend. it's the main event for me this year. this year i have felt renewed wonder and excitement about what happened that day in that stable...
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
day two.
today's highlights:
- my little sister says "happy Christmas adam" the day before Christmas eve, and apparently, i'm the only loser who needed that explained to them.
REALLY?
- when people go "home" they usually have deep thoughts about how everything is the same.
i am always surprised by how many changes take place. i have absolutely no idea how to work my parents' microwave or oven. no idea. they even showed me once, and i still can't figure it out. when i went to get water out of the refrigerator door, it spilled all over the floor because it came out of a place i did not expect.
they always have little remodeling projects going on. apparently, all those years with children around were holding them back. they're ready to get back to their own lives now that they have a mostly empty nest.
- one of my high school friends has lost over 100 pounds. awesome!
- i am so allergic to houston.
- cable tv has so much programming. how do i ever pass the time without it? (stay tuned for my end of the year book report...a list of all the books i read this year...)
- i've actually become more out of tune with our culture of technology than my own parents. they have a DVR. my mom has a laptop. i don't. my dad has an iphone. i don't even have an ipod.
- i am going through a surprise phase. i just went to dinner with a friend, and told her not to tell me where we were going. i hope this is not just a phase, but a new lifestyle.
- our dog, angel, is blind. "was angel excited to...sense you...when you got here?"
Christmas eve awaits.
- my little sister says "happy Christmas adam" the day before Christmas eve, and apparently, i'm the only loser who needed that explained to them.
REALLY?
- when people go "home" they usually have deep thoughts about how everything is the same.
i am always surprised by how many changes take place. i have absolutely no idea how to work my parents' microwave or oven. no idea. they even showed me once, and i still can't figure it out. when i went to get water out of the refrigerator door, it spilled all over the floor because it came out of a place i did not expect.
they always have little remodeling projects going on. apparently, all those years with children around were holding them back. they're ready to get back to their own lives now that they have a mostly empty nest.
- one of my high school friends has lost over 100 pounds. awesome!
- i am so allergic to houston.
- cable tv has so much programming. how do i ever pass the time without it? (stay tuned for my end of the year book report...a list of all the books i read this year...)
- i've actually become more out of tune with our culture of technology than my own parents. they have a DVR. my mom has a laptop. i don't. my dad has an iphone. i don't even have an ipod.
- i am going through a surprise phase. i just went to dinner with a friend, and told her not to tell me where we were going. i hope this is not just a phase, but a new lifestyle.
- our dog, angel, is blind. "was angel excited to...sense you...when you got here?"
Christmas eve awaits.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
first impressions.
back in texas.
the facts so far:
the church i grew up in is giving away a puppy during the Christmas eve service. not sure why.
my mom spelled the word "crap" instead of actually saying it.
and then, i saw my 26 year old friend on gmail (his age is totally relevant):
me: i am in texas
Ford: what?
where?
for how long?
me: until sunday morning
Ford: well
i will probably not be able to see you
me: lame
i figured as much
Ford: =(
me: where the hell are you
Ford: unless you want to drive down to see me on christmas eve!
in the play i'm in!
i am a sheep
me: pass.
wait
what
Ford: my breakout performance
people will be talking about it for years to come
me: more details. please.
Ford: the theater as we know it will be irrevocably changed
i play a sheep
me: i don't doubt that
Ford: one of many, but, you know
me: you're in a Christmas play? as a sheep?
how did this come to be
Ford: i'm really the focus
me: the sheep usually are.
Ford: well, there is a christmas play
with animals
some of which are sheep
i am one of those
Ford: i baa
and jump around
me: are you, like, on all fours?
Ford: not at the moment
nor in the play
me: why not get little children to do this
how can you be a sheep but not be on all fours
Ford: i am a pretty clever sheep
me: i'm so confused
Ford: i have figured out bipedal locomotion
me: but why. why are you a sheep who stands.
is this like...a comedy?
Ford: to teach people about jesus, obviously
i guess
me: it has to be
what are you wearing
Ford: in the play?
white sweatsuit and a mask
black socks
me: this is so strange.
your church is putting on a funny Christmas play?
Ford: you're missing out
yeah
why is that strange
it will bring joy to an otherwise bleak holdiay
me: Christmas is a bit of a downer.
promises kept, prophecies fulfilled
Ford: yeah
who wants that?
not the jews!
texas.
surreal.
awesome.
the facts so far:
the church i grew up in is giving away a puppy during the Christmas eve service. not sure why.
my mom spelled the word "crap" instead of actually saying it.
and then, i saw my 26 year old friend on gmail (his age is totally relevant):
me: i am in texas
Ford: what?
where?
for how long?
me: until sunday morning
Ford: well
i will probably not be able to see you
me: lame
i figured as much
Ford: =(
me: where the hell are you
Ford: unless you want to drive down to see me on christmas eve!
in the play i'm in!
i am a sheep
me: pass.
wait
what
Ford: my breakout performance
people will be talking about it for years to come
me: more details. please.
Ford: the theater as we know it will be irrevocably changed
i play a sheep
me: i don't doubt that
Ford: one of many, but, you know
me: you're in a Christmas play? as a sheep?
how did this come to be
Ford: i'm really the focus
me: the sheep usually are.
Ford: well, there is a christmas play
with animals
some of which are sheep
i am one of those
Ford: i baa
and jump around
me: are you, like, on all fours?
Ford: not at the moment
nor in the play
me: why not get little children to do this
how can you be a sheep but not be on all fours
Ford: i am a pretty clever sheep
me: i'm so confused
Ford: i have figured out bipedal locomotion
me: but why. why are you a sheep who stands.
is this like...a comedy?
Ford: to teach people about jesus, obviously
i guess
me: it has to be
what are you wearing
Ford: in the play?
white sweatsuit and a mask
black socks
me: this is so strange.
your church is putting on a funny Christmas play?
Ford: you're missing out
yeah
why is that strange
it will bring joy to an otherwise bleak holdiay
me: Christmas is a bit of a downer.
promises kept, prophecies fulfilled
Ford: yeah
who wants that?
not the jews!
texas.
surreal.
awesome.
Monday, December 21, 2009
i prefer elizabeth bennett.
i just finished reading "passion and purity" for the fourth time.
the last 3 times i read it, i was held captive by some crush on a guy. 3 different guys. probably. so i'd read it, because it's such a sweet love story. and i'd be like "awwwwww that's soooooooo great."
oh, younger allison. how different you were.
but this time i had a different reason to read it.
i've mentioned that i am thinking through the consistent war that rages inside me...the tension between reason and emotion. i think through life logically. i deal with my emotions rationally. i reason them away. but i'm not always sure this is best. and i think this book speaks to that. i hope for different things, and tend to silence the hope.
the book very much talks about acknowledging those hopes and trusting God with them. i think my habit of being rational is sometimes a form of not trusting God. i'm trusting my own ability to reason.
so, here are some great quotes about that very subject.
"I do know that waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within onself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one's thoughts. It is easy to talk oneself into a decision that has no permanence - easier sometimes than to wait patiently."
"Taken in a spirit of trust, even loneliness contributes to the maturing of character, even the endurance of separation and silence and that hardest thing of all, uncertainty, can build in us a steady hope."
"It would be the easy road if the desire itself simply disappeared."
"If the yearnings went away, what would we have to offer up to the Lord?...How would we learn to submit to the authority of Christ if we had nothing to submit?"
"The disposition...to leave the dearest objects of our hearts in the sublime keeping of the general and unspecific belief that God is now answering our prayers in His own time and way, and in the best manner, involves a present process of inward crucifixion which is obviously unfavorable to the growth and even the existence of the life of self." - T.C. Upham
"Besides this, there is the somewhat philosophical realization that actually I have lost nothing. We may imagine what it would be like to share a given event and feel loss at having to experience it alone. But let us not forget - that loss is imagined, not real. I imagine peaks of enjoyment when I think of doing things together, but let not the hoping for it dull the doing of it alone. What is, is actual - what might be simply is not, and I must not therefore query God as though He robbed me - of things that are not. Further, the things that are belong to us, and they are good, God given, and enriched. Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living."
"Obedience involves for us, not physical suffering, perhaps, nor social ostracism as it has for some, but this warring with worries and regrets, this bringing into captivity our thoughts. We have planted (in our integrity) the banner of our trust in God. The consequences are His responsibility."
"I was wishing that my wishes were what God wished, and if my wishes were not what God wished, I wished that I could wish that my wishes would go away, but the wishes were still there."
the last 3 times i read it, i was held captive by some crush on a guy. 3 different guys. probably. so i'd read it, because it's such a sweet love story. and i'd be like "awwwwww that's soooooooo great."
oh, younger allison. how different you were.
but this time i had a different reason to read it.
i've mentioned that i am thinking through the consistent war that rages inside me...the tension between reason and emotion. i think through life logically. i deal with my emotions rationally. i reason them away. but i'm not always sure this is best. and i think this book speaks to that. i hope for different things, and tend to silence the hope.
the book very much talks about acknowledging those hopes and trusting God with them. i think my habit of being rational is sometimes a form of not trusting God. i'm trusting my own ability to reason.
so, here are some great quotes about that very subject.
"I do know that waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within onself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one's thoughts. It is easy to talk oneself into a decision that has no permanence - easier sometimes than to wait patiently."
"Taken in a spirit of trust, even loneliness contributes to the maturing of character, even the endurance of separation and silence and that hardest thing of all, uncertainty, can build in us a steady hope."
"It would be the easy road if the desire itself simply disappeared."
"If the yearnings went away, what would we have to offer up to the Lord?...How would we learn to submit to the authority of Christ if we had nothing to submit?"
"The disposition...to leave the dearest objects of our hearts in the sublime keeping of the general and unspecific belief that God is now answering our prayers in His own time and way, and in the best manner, involves a present process of inward crucifixion which is obviously unfavorable to the growth and even the existence of the life of self." - T.C. Upham
"Besides this, there is the somewhat philosophical realization that actually I have lost nothing. We may imagine what it would be like to share a given event and feel loss at having to experience it alone. But let us not forget - that loss is imagined, not real. I imagine peaks of enjoyment when I think of doing things together, but let not the hoping for it dull the doing of it alone. What is, is actual - what might be simply is not, and I must not therefore query God as though He robbed me - of things that are not. Further, the things that are belong to us, and they are good, God given, and enriched. Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living."
"Obedience involves for us, not physical suffering, perhaps, nor social ostracism as it has for some, but this warring with worries and regrets, this bringing into captivity our thoughts. We have planted (in our integrity) the banner of our trust in God. The consequences are His responsibility."
"I was wishing that my wishes were what God wished, and if my wishes were not what God wished, I wished that I could wish that my wishes would go away, but the wishes were still there."
Friday, December 11, 2009
number three
i forgot to tell a short story about my trip to texas last weekend.
part 1:
i remembered to pack my socks, a necklace, pajamas, cell phone charger, kailey's present, camera, and everything except...a change of clothes. how sad. i had this super cute outfit i wanted to wear, and didn't even pack it. so i had to wear the same outfit all weekend.
shrug.
part 2:
we had to drive a few hours from houston to my older sister's house.
i got bored on the drive, so i started rifling through my little sister's things. usually i start poking and pinching her, so this was a change of pace.
first thing i pulled out of her large bag that she brought for our DAY TRIP, was...a mirror.
um. what?
she said it's because it's hard to see the back of her head when she straightens her hair. so i can only assume there was also a straightener in there somewhere.
then i pulled out a bottle of perfume.
perfume for a 2 year old's birthday party.
maybe she was hoping one of the other kids would show up with their single uncle?
here's what i want to know.
how are we so different?
Monday, December 7, 2009
my mind hurts.
i need some feedback on this one.
i'm thinking through the issue of "hope" again.
and whether or not it's ever ok for a Christian to say "i give up. no more hope."
i'm speaking not of hope about the big picture, but hope about a specific situation.
i'm going to give an example. it's just an example. it's not the situation on my mind, but it actually compares really well.
so, for example:
i am looking for a new job. let's say that 15-20 years from now, nothing about my job situation has changed. i'm working the same job. i've applied for thousands more, and gone on thousands of interviews. but there's still no new job. i go on the interviews, and they go well. people like me. they say i have potential. but they always go with someone else. i get really close to having that new job, but i never actually get one.
is it ok to say "abandon hope" about that situation? to stop hoping for a new job?
God hasn't promised that i'll get a better job, or that i'll ever make a certain amount of money. He hasn't.
and it's not as though i've been saying "i need this new job. if i don't have this new job, my life has no meaning. i don't know what i'll do without a new job."
i haven't put my hope in that job, but i still hope to get one.
i find joy in different aspects of my life, and of course in Christ. i have all i need.
but every now and then, i'll see a new job posting, and think "that'd be a great job." so i apply for it. and get turned down. again, and again. and again and again.
isn't it foolish to continue hoping for a new job? isn't giving up hope the most rational thing to do?
i hope and trust and know that God provides for my every need, and i am satisfied with Him being in charge. of course i have moments when that's not true, but mostly...i like Him being in charge. even though my job is hard, i have learned so much through it. so much about myself, my sin, and my need for God. and how beautiful and wonderful He is.
but this hope, this longing...won't go away. i'm about to pray for God to take the hope away, but something about that just seems strange. and i feel like He won't. because it's been 15 years.
of course this is complicated and i even have some ideas, but i'd still like some thoughts.
i'm thinking through the issue of "hope" again.
and whether or not it's ever ok for a Christian to say "i give up. no more hope."
i'm speaking not of hope about the big picture, but hope about a specific situation.
i'm going to give an example. it's just an example. it's not the situation on my mind, but it actually compares really well.
so, for example:
i am looking for a new job. let's say that 15-20 years from now, nothing about my job situation has changed. i'm working the same job. i've applied for thousands more, and gone on thousands of interviews. but there's still no new job. i go on the interviews, and they go well. people like me. they say i have potential. but they always go with someone else. i get really close to having that new job, but i never actually get one.
is it ok to say "abandon hope" about that situation? to stop hoping for a new job?
God hasn't promised that i'll get a better job, or that i'll ever make a certain amount of money. He hasn't.
and it's not as though i've been saying "i need this new job. if i don't have this new job, my life has no meaning. i don't know what i'll do without a new job."
i haven't put my hope in that job, but i still hope to get one.
i find joy in different aspects of my life, and of course in Christ. i have all i need.
but every now and then, i'll see a new job posting, and think "that'd be a great job." so i apply for it. and get turned down. again, and again. and again and again.
isn't it foolish to continue hoping for a new job? isn't giving up hope the most rational thing to do?
i hope and trust and know that God provides for my every need, and i am satisfied with Him being in charge. of course i have moments when that's not true, but mostly...i like Him being in charge. even though my job is hard, i have learned so much through it. so much about myself, my sin, and my need for God. and how beautiful and wonderful He is.
but this hope, this longing...won't go away. i'm about to pray for God to take the hope away, but something about that just seems strange. and i feel like He won't. because it's been 15 years.
of course this is complicated and i even have some ideas, but i'd still like some thoughts.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
a lovely weekend.
isn't she the cutest.
i, being a narcissist, took a video of her opening the present i got her. i think she's got the cutest little voice, and i love hearing her say my name. she calls me allie. which no one ever does. ever. my mom called me "allie nay" sometimes, because my middle name is renee. but thats it. aunt allie. that's me.
and another video just because...
check out my sister's belly. that's so weird to say. gross. but there's a baby in there!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
wonder.
this blows my mind.
kailey's first Christmas, the first time i met her, when she was just a few weeks old:
her second Christmas:
this year's picture:
how in the world.
i can remember growing up, when people used to tell me: "look how big you've gotten! you've grown so much!" and i'd think "um. OK. i'm the same as always. who are you, anyway..."
now i understand.
i can't wait to see her on saturday for her big 2nd birthday!
kailey's first Christmas, the first time i met her, when she was just a few weeks old:
her second Christmas:
this year's picture:
how in the world.
i can remember growing up, when people used to tell me: "look how big you've gotten! you've grown so much!" and i'd think "um. OK. i'm the same as always. who are you, anyway..."
now i understand.
i can't wait to see her on saturday for her big 2nd birthday!
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