i work for michael scott.

we had our fall teacher inservice training today.

the theme, which has absolutely nothing to do with the seminars, was "toy story." so we were required to dress up like toys. my school decided to dress like jessie, who i'm told is woody's girlfriend. a cowgirl. i brought a bandana. my boss handed me cow-print fabric in the shape of pockets to safety pin onto my jeans. i sat through 7hours of seminars in a costume, for reasons i have not been able to figure out. i saw someone dressed as a jack-in-the-box. lots of girls as different kinds of barbies. someone as a police officer. it was surreal. i was comforted by the fact that jim and pam probably would have been woody and jessie.

the first seminar was partly about how everyone, including children, have different personalities. it opened with a bag of jelly beans being passed around, and we each took one. i reached in, and grabbed an orange one. without looking. then we were told that the colors we chose most likely represented our personality type. false. i would have picked blue. then i had to hold an orange jelly bean for an hour.

one seminar was about ideas for neat toys to put in our centers. the speaker talked about maslow's hierarchy of needs, and how the foundation is security. if kids don't feel safe, they don't do anything. to illustrate this point, she said: "you're the same way. if the fire alarm went off right now, you would leave the building. if i was standing here naked, that wouldn't even keep you in here. you would want to be safe, so you would leave."

yep.

what else?

oh yeah, the interpretive dancing during the "music and movement" seminar.

shrug.

this is going to be so nauseatingly emo. in a robotic kind of way, because that's how i do emotions.

i realized a couple things about myself this week. i'm only going to touch on one. in a vague, cryptic fashion. i wouldn't be allison if i was specific, now would i.

i do a lot of pretending. when i'm feeling sad, or upset, or angry...i pretend that i'm not. for various reasons. mostly because i would rather be happy than sad. i like to avoid pain. who doesn't.

sometimes i choose to be happy in a moment, and to ignore the negative emotions.

but what has happened over time is that i started to pretend with myself. to pretend that i was ok, when i wasn't.

i don't enjoy feeling bad. so i decided not to. i think through my feelings logically. if something makes me feel bad, i tell myself i'm being irrational, or feeling sorry for myself, and i go on with the day.

this can be very useful. so useful.

and so harmful.

it takes a lot of control to not react emotionally to certain situations, and to pretend like i feel great when i don't. years of practice, people. you have no idea how cool i can play it.

putting aside feelings until there's an appropriate time to deal with them is part of life. but i don't enjoy dealing with them, so i don't. i'll have my grown-up "don't cry, be a big girl, deal with this later" moment, but later never comes.

the problem is that i've started pretending even with God, the One who knows all. i assume that because certain thoughts are logical, they are pleasing to God.

feeling sad doesn't pay my bills or serve other people. how very logical.

so a bit of a breakthrough happened yesterday. i went for my first run since i fell down a waterfall and my knee exploded. i felt sad about something. i thought...do something productive. think through this logically, just like every time before. i started thinking through it, and told God that i just didn't want to face this publicly. i told Him i was dreading having to pretend about this in front of people, pretend that i'm fine with it. i've put this same brave face on so many times. i know how hard it is. i don't want to do it again. but i have to.

He said, in His way, i hope you know the way i mean...

"you don't have to pretend right now, though. you're alone right now. there's no one around but you and Me."

away from people. away from my house. away from my job. no need for a brave face.

i finished the test run, which went great, and said "i want to just sit here and not pretend for a little while longer. before i have to go back."

so we sat.

a taco place opened up across the street from my house. today i went there to get a couple tacos. while i was waiting, i heard "you don't have to pretend right now, either." so i stood there and felt sad.

i'm not enjoying the sadness. but i am enjoying the real-ness. the freedom to not pretend. Someone i don't have to pretend with. i think the runs will be good for that. i'm so glad they've been given back to me.