my kin folk.

i called my mom because its my parents 31st anniversary today. she told me the most adorable, charming story about my grandpa.

my grandpa, she says, has never been much of a dog person.

but this did not stop him from rescuing a dog who was being picked on by a pack of other dogs. the dog was so grateful, that it followed my grandpa home on his golf cart. and he decided to keep it.

this dog is some sort of lab, with a reddish coloring.

so my grandpa calls him "red."

now they travel the neighborhood together in grandpa's golf cart, when he's making the rounds.

i love my family.

he's only 56.

my dad's pocket calls me a lot. (A is for Allison!). he has an iphone. don't ask me how that happens. this time he decided we should have an actual conversation.

dad: what are you up to? doing anything fun lately?
me: i'm going camping this weekend.
dad: didn't you already do that?
me: yeah. in july. we're going again.
dad: isn't that where you hurt your ankle?
me: my knee. yeah.
dad: well. i'm sure you'll be more careful.
me: you betcha.
dad: where are you going?
me: this place, about an hour south of here.
dad: what's it called?
me: old stone fort.
dad: huh?
me: old stone fort.
dad: old down fort?
me: old STONE fort.
dad: i don't understand. spell it.
me: s. t. o. n. e.
dad: old spoon fort?
me: STONE. S. T. O. N. E.
dad: old stone fort?
me: thats it!!
dad: that's a weird name.
me: you're right. it is.
dad: it's going to be cold.

the miscommunication was probably made worse by my uncontrolled laughter.

i work for michael scott.

we had our fall teacher inservice training today.

the theme, which has absolutely nothing to do with the seminars, was "toy story." so we were required to dress up like toys. my school decided to dress like jessie, who i'm told is woody's girlfriend. a cowgirl. i brought a bandana. my boss handed me cow-print fabric in the shape of pockets to safety pin onto my jeans. i sat through 7hours of seminars in a costume, for reasons i have not been able to figure out. i saw someone dressed as a jack-in-the-box. lots of girls as different kinds of barbies. someone as a police officer. it was surreal. i was comforted by the fact that jim and pam probably would have been woody and jessie.

the first seminar was partly about how everyone, including children, have different personalities. it opened with a bag of jelly beans being passed around, and we each took one. i reached in, and grabbed an orange one. without looking. then we were told that the colors we chose most likely represented our personality type. false. i would have picked blue. then i had to hold an orange jelly bean for an hour.

one seminar was about ideas for neat toys to put in our centers. the speaker talked about maslow's hierarchy of needs, and how the foundation is security. if kids don't feel safe, they don't do anything. to illustrate this point, she said: "you're the same way. if the fire alarm went off right now, you would leave the building. if i was standing here naked, that wouldn't even keep you in here. you would want to be safe, so you would leave."

yep.

what else?

oh yeah, the interpretive dancing during the "music and movement" seminar.

shrug.

this is going to be so nauseatingly emo. in a robotic kind of way, because that's how i do emotions.

i realized a couple things about myself this week. i'm only going to touch on one. in a vague, cryptic fashion. i wouldn't be allison if i was specific, now would i.

i do a lot of pretending. when i'm feeling sad, or upset, or angry...i pretend that i'm not. for various reasons. mostly because i would rather be happy than sad. i like to avoid pain. who doesn't.

sometimes i choose to be happy in a moment, and to ignore the negative emotions.

but what has happened over time is that i started to pretend with myself. to pretend that i was ok, when i wasn't.

i don't enjoy feeling bad. so i decided not to. i think through my feelings logically. if something makes me feel bad, i tell myself i'm being irrational, or feeling sorry for myself, and i go on with the day.

this can be very useful. so useful.

and so harmful.

it takes a lot of control to not react emotionally to certain situations, and to pretend like i feel great when i don't. years of practice, people. you have no idea how cool i can play it.

putting aside feelings until there's an appropriate time to deal with them is part of life. but i don't enjoy dealing with them, so i don't. i'll have my grown-up "don't cry, be a big girl, deal with this later" moment, but later never comes.

the problem is that i've started pretending even with God, the One who knows all. i assume that because certain thoughts are logical, they are pleasing to God.

feeling sad doesn't pay my bills or serve other people. how very logical.

so a bit of a breakthrough happened yesterday. i went for my first run since i fell down a waterfall and my knee exploded. i felt sad about something. i thought...do something productive. think through this logically, just like every time before. i started thinking through it, and told God that i just didn't want to face this publicly. i told Him i was dreading having to pretend about this in front of people, pretend that i'm fine with it. i've put this same brave face on so many times. i know how hard it is. i don't want to do it again. but i have to.

He said, in His way, i hope you know the way i mean...

"you don't have to pretend right now, though. you're alone right now. there's no one around but you and Me."

away from people. away from my house. away from my job. no need for a brave face.

i finished the test run, which went great, and said "i want to just sit here and not pretend for a little while longer. before i have to go back."

so we sat.

a taco place opened up across the street from my house. today i went there to get a couple tacos. while i was waiting, i heard "you don't have to pretend right now, either." so i stood there and felt sad.

i'm not enjoying the sadness. but i am enjoying the real-ness. the freedom to not pretend. Someone i don't have to pretend with. i think the runs will be good for that. i'm so glad they've been given back to me.

that thing?

i'm just going to jump right into the serious and then make you feel good with some pictures of a baby.

i had a rough weekend in my mind. i was very aware of a few different sins in my life. problems i had created for myself because of them. i just couldn't escape the guilt. fear. anxiety. last night before bed i read the Bible. i opened to Psalms, and read every verse i've ever underlined in Psalms. (that is #1 on a list of reasons why i don't want a new Bible. mine is falling apart, sure, but a new Bible wouldn't have 13 years of underlined verses and notes.)

it's hard to read some of the lovelier verses in the Bible when i'm dealing with sin, because i think "sure. God is a refuge. BUT this is my SIN we're talking about. i'm not being attacked, i'm not a victim. i created this problem." but the Psalms go there.

from Psalm 25...

Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.
Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you are good, O LORD.
Good and upright is the LORD;
therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.

My eyes are ever on the LORD,
for only he will release my feet from the snare.
Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart have multiplied;
free me from my anguish.
Look upon my affliction and my distress
and take away all my sins.

the Word really does wash a person.

then today at work our CD player was broken, so at nap time i had to turn it on a radio station. and the quietest one was a country station. and now i just feel dirty all over again. i cannot stand country music. i'm sorry. i'm not saying those people aren't talented musicians. they absolutely are. they sing beautifully, and play beautifully.

but ugh. say hello to the worst song lyric i've ever heard in my life:

"I remember sayin' I don't care either way
Just as long as he or she is healthy I'm okay
Then the doctor pointed to the corner of the screen
And said, 'You see that thing right there, well you know what that means.'"

then there was the song about the man who held the hand of his wife of fifty years while her heart of gold stopped pumping. why do people find depressing music entertaining? i don't get it. i also don't like the movie "steel magnolias." life is hard enough without spending my free time feeling sad about something that's not real. no thanks.

so how about some baby pictures!!

i thought it would be super fun if i put up pictures of kailey AND my new niece makenna. not as a comparison, no i will not be comparing them. but watch.

the first moment i met kailey (december 2007, 2 weeks old)...




the first moment i met makenna (august 2010, 3 months old)



the first time i held kailey (december 2007)...



the first time i held makenna (august 2010)...



feeding kailey a bottle (may 2008, almost 6 months old)



feeding makenna a bottle (august 2010)




kailey's little feet (december 2007)



makenna's little feet (august 2010)




i love my nieces!!

rich.

yesterday i got back from the big 70th anniversary celebration. those are my adorable grandparents. check out my grandma's tiarra. i think my aunt gave it to her for her 90th birthday a couple years ago, and she decided on her own to whip it out for this occasion.

how do i begin to describe the magic of this weekend?

where phrases like "fine, you can put pants on" and "speaking of quail..." were heard.

where i discovered i have a relative known as the "buzzin cousin."

i guess i'll just start with the story about how my grandparents used to get their farm animals drunk.

i was a little confused about this one. there is a method for preparing the feed for the animals that involves rye, and it eventually ferments. i don't know if it's supposed to do that, but on this occasion, it did. they fed it to the pigs. the pigs lapped it up, began running around in circles, and squealing. my grandma said the next day when they brought the feed out, the pigs wouldn't stop squealing. "i had never seen them so happy!"

there was a cow who was not quite as delighted. my grandpa walked out to find the cow backed up against the fence, as far from the food as possible, with her head hanging on the ground. "we had to milk her right away."

oh, and there was this. my grandma's lawn chair.



seems ordinary enough until you realize it just arrived in the mail one day. or so my grandma says. she didn't order it, or pay for it. it just showed up. my grandpa tried to tell her that "you don't just get lawn chairs in the mail" but she insists that she did.

it's a mystery.

and of course i heard stories i've heard before. about how my dad learned how to walk at 7 months old. or how he was recruited from his sand pile in the backyard to work for a restaurant behind their house, as a "take out the trash" boy. his first job at age 12.

isn't that special.

or about how we're related to alexander hamilton. (we're not, actually, but we're not telling them).

grandma: i got your mom and dad some money, to thank them for all their trouble this weekend.
me: that's really nice of you.
grandma: i'm giving it to them in ten dollar bills. do you know why?
me: because alexander hamilton is on the ten dollar bill.
grandma: yes. aren't you glad we're related to him?
me: i'm so glad.

and then there were the more disturbing pieces of information...

me: so, i know you're the youngest of 12 children. but i can't remember...how many kids were in grandpa's family?
grandma: (darn, she told me, but i forgot already...). but you know, everyone suspected his mom of starving that one baby to death.
me: why did they think that?
grandma: i don't know. she really, really liked your dad.
me: i'm very thankful for that...sounds like a good thing...

it was a fabulous weekend. lots of laughter. lots of baby holding. lots of information. my grandma was engaged to some schlep named albert, before my grandpa. when my grandparents got married, they lived off of $6 a week. my grandma cooked all the food for their wedding. they've lived in the same house for 58 years. my grandpa has miles davis, johnny cash, bob dylan, elvis presley, willie nelson, and others...on vinyl.

pictures of baby makenna tomorrow...

protect your neck.

i started planning a trip to new jersey over labor day weekend.

to see the orange county supertones.

but it's not going to work out.

for at least 4 days, it's all i could think about. you should have seen me sitting here, listening to their music, daydreaming about new jersey. i found a place to stay that is not a hotel. i googled the route. there are A LOT of toll roads on the east side...toll roads are weird.

sigh.

i was in such a strange place since i found out about them. it's hard to explain. i keep saying that. it's like i felt a connection to a part of me that doesn't exist anymore. that's the best i can do.

other news...

i went shopping for a present for my new niece. and my old one.

i was so happy that my little pony, strawberry shortcake, and care bears are making a comeback. but kailey is still too little for that. i really would like her to turn 3, so every toy is not a threat to her life. the choking hazard danger goes away IMMEDIATELY when they turn 3, right?