day two.

today's highlights:

- my little sister says "happy Christmas adam" the day before Christmas eve, and apparently, i'm the only loser who needed that explained to them.

REALLY?

- when people go "home" they usually have deep thoughts about how everything is the same.

i am always surprised by how many changes take place. i have absolutely no idea how to work my parents' microwave or oven. no idea. they even showed me once, and i still can't figure it out. when i went to get water out of the refrigerator door, it spilled all over the floor because it came out of a place i did not expect.

they always have little remodeling projects going on. apparently, all those years with children around were holding them back. they're ready to get back to their own lives now that they have a mostly empty nest.

- one of my high school friends has lost over 100 pounds. awesome!

- i am so allergic to houston.

- cable tv has so much programming. how do i ever pass the time without it? (stay tuned for my end of the year book report...a list of all the books i read this year...)

- i've actually become more out of tune with our culture of technology than my own parents. they have a DVR. my mom has a laptop. i don't. my dad has an iphone. i don't even have an ipod.

- i am going through a surprise phase. i just went to dinner with a friend, and told her not to tell me where we were going. i hope this is not just a phase, but a new lifestyle.

- our dog, angel, is blind. "was angel excited to...sense you...when you got here?"

Christmas eve awaits.

first impressions.

back in texas.

the facts so far:

the church i grew up in is giving away a puppy during the Christmas eve service. not sure why.

my mom spelled the word "crap" instead of actually saying it.

and then, i saw my 26 year old friend on gmail (his age is totally relevant):

me: i am in texas
Ford: what?
where?
for how long?
me: until sunday morning
Ford: well
i will probably not be able to see you
me: lame
i figured as much
Ford: =(
me: where the hell are you
Ford: unless you want to drive down to see me on christmas eve!
in the play i'm in!
i am a sheep
me: pass.
wait
what
Ford: my breakout performance
people will be talking about it for years to come
me: more details. please.
Ford: the theater as we know it will be irrevocably changed
i play a sheep
me: i don't doubt that
Ford: one of many, but, you know
me: you're in a Christmas play? as a sheep?
how did this come to be
Ford: i'm really the focus
me: the sheep usually are.
Ford: well, there is a christmas play
with animals
some of which are sheep
i am one of those
Ford: i baa
and jump around
me: are you, like, on all fours?
Ford: not at the moment
nor in the play
me: why not get little children to do this
how can you be a sheep but not be on all fours
Ford: i am a pretty clever sheep
me: i'm so confused
Ford: i have figured out bipedal locomotion
me: but why. why are you a sheep who stands.
is this like...a comedy?
Ford: to teach people about jesus, obviously
i guess
me: it has to be
what are you wearing
Ford: in the play?
white sweatsuit and a mask
black socks
me: this is so strange.
your church is putting on a funny Christmas play?
Ford: you're missing out
yeah
why is that strange
it will bring joy to an otherwise bleak holdiay
me: Christmas is a bit of a downer.
promises kept, prophecies fulfilled
Ford: yeah
who wants that?
not the jews!

texas.

surreal.

awesome.

i prefer elizabeth bennett.

i just finished reading "passion and purity" for the fourth time.

the last 3 times i read it, i was held captive by some crush on a guy. 3 different guys. probably. so i'd read it, because it's such a sweet love story. and i'd be like "awwwwww that's soooooooo great."

oh, younger allison. how different you were.

but this time i had a different reason to read it.

i've mentioned that i am thinking through the consistent war that rages inside me...the tension between reason and emotion. i think through life logically. i deal with my emotions rationally. i reason them away. but i'm not always sure this is best. and i think this book speaks to that. i hope for different things, and tend to silence the hope.

the book very much talks about acknowledging those hopes and trusting God with them. i think my habit of being rational is sometimes a form of not trusting God. i'm trusting my own ability to reason.

so, here are some great quotes about that very subject.

"I do know that waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within onself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one's thoughts. It is easy to talk oneself into a decision that has no permanence - easier sometimes than to wait patiently."

"Taken in a spirit of trust, even loneliness contributes to the maturing of character, even the endurance of separation and silence and that hardest thing of all, uncertainty, can build in us a steady hope."

"It would be the easy road if the desire itself simply disappeared."

"If the yearnings went away, what would we have to offer up to the Lord?...How would we learn to submit to the authority of Christ if we had nothing to submit?"

"The disposition...to leave the dearest objects of our hearts in the sublime keeping of the general and unspecific belief that God is now answering our prayers in His own time and way, and in the best manner, involves a present process of inward crucifixion which is obviously unfavorable to the growth and even the existence of the life of self." - T.C. Upham

"Besides this, there is the somewhat philosophical realization that actually I have lost nothing. We may imagine what it would be like to share a given event and feel loss at having to experience it alone. But let us not forget - that loss is imagined, not real. I imagine peaks of enjoyment when I think of doing things together, but let not the hoping for it dull the doing of it alone. What is, is actual - what might be simply is not, and I must not therefore query God as though He robbed me - of things that are not. Further, the things that are belong to us, and they are good, God given, and enriched. Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living."

"Obedience involves for us, not physical suffering, perhaps, nor social ostracism as it has for some, but this warring with worries and regrets, this bringing into captivity our thoughts. We have planted (in our integrity) the banner of our trust in God. The consequences are His responsibility."

"I was wishing that my wishes were what God wished, and if my wishes were not what God wished, I wished that I could wish that my wishes would go away, but the wishes were still there."

number three

i forgot to tell a short story about my trip to texas last weekend.

part 1:

i remembered to pack my socks, a necklace, pajamas, cell phone charger, kailey's present, camera, and everything except...a change of clothes. how sad. i had this super cute outfit i wanted to wear, and didn't even pack it. so i had to wear the same outfit all weekend.

shrug.

part 2:

we had to drive a few hours from houston to my older sister's house.

i got bored on the drive, so i started rifling through my little sister's things. usually i start poking and pinching her, so this was a change of pace.

first thing i pulled out of her large bag that she brought for our DAY TRIP, was...a mirror.

um. what?

she said it's because it's hard to see the back of her head when she straightens her hair. so i can only assume there was also a straightener in there somewhere.

then i pulled out a bottle of perfume.

perfume for a 2 year old's birthday party.

maybe she was hoping one of the other kids would show up with their single uncle?

here's what i want to know.

how are we so different?

my mind hurts.

i need some feedback on this one.

i'm thinking through the issue of "hope" again.

and whether or not it's ever ok for a Christian to say "i give up. no more hope."

i'm speaking not of hope about the big picture, but hope about a specific situation.

i'm going to give an example. it's just an example. it's not the situation on my mind, but it actually compares really well.

so, for example:

i am looking for a new job. let's say that 15-20 years from now, nothing about my job situation has changed. i'm working the same job. i've applied for thousands more, and gone on thousands of interviews. but there's still no new job. i go on the interviews, and they go well. people like me. they say i have potential. but they always go with someone else. i get really close to having that new job, but i never actually get one.

is it ok to say "abandon hope" about that situation? to stop hoping for a new job?

God hasn't promised that i'll get a better job, or that i'll ever make a certain amount of money. He hasn't.

and it's not as though i've been saying "i need this new job. if i don't have this new job, my life has no meaning. i don't know what i'll do without a new job."

i haven't put my hope in that job, but i still hope to get one.

i find joy in different aspects of my life, and of course in Christ. i have all i need.

but every now and then, i'll see a new job posting, and think "that'd be a great job." so i apply for it. and get turned down. again, and again. and again and again.

isn't it foolish to continue hoping for a new job? isn't giving up hope the most rational thing to do?

i hope and trust and know that God provides for my every need, and i am satisfied with Him being in charge. of course i have moments when that's not true, but mostly...i like Him being in charge. even though my job is hard, i have learned so much through it. so much about myself, my sin, and my need for God. and how beautiful and wonderful He is.

but this hope, this longing...won't go away. i'm about to pray for God to take the hope away, but something about that just seems strange. and i feel like He won't. because it's been 15 years.

of course this is complicated and i even have some ideas, but i'd still like some thoughts.

a lovely weekend.

isn't she the cutest.

i, being a narcissist, took a video of her opening the present i got her. i think she's got the cutest little voice, and i love hearing her say my name. she calls me allie. which no one ever does. ever. my mom called me "allie nay" sometimes, because my middle name is renee. but thats it. aunt allie. that's me.



and another video just because...

check out my sister's belly. that's so weird to say. gross. but there's a baby in there!

wonder.

this blows my mind.

kailey's first Christmas, the first time i met her, when she was just a few weeks old:






her second Christmas:





this year's picture:



how in the world.

i can remember growing up, when people used to tell me: "look how big you've gotten! you've grown so much!" and i'd think "um. OK. i'm the same as always. who are you, anyway..."

now i understand.

i can't wait to see her on saturday for her big 2nd birthday!