it's ok. you can say it.

i'm a nerd.

one of my gifts this year was a gift card to barnes and noble.

i used every dollar of it today.



i am unspeakably excited.



i've heard a lot of authors say that this book inspires their writing, or that it's one of their favorite books. so obviously i have to read it.



saw the movie. liked it. usually i read the book first. reading the book second this time makes me feel wild and crazy.



i've only read one play by him before. but it was funny...so. here's another one.



seems respectable.



i've heard good things about this one. it's important to know what unbelievers think, you know. i watched the movie "saved" a few years ago, and was sad to hear that one of my unbelieving friends thinks that's how Christians really are.



a high school friend just recommended this book to me. it's russian. i'm scared.

and i bought a few books that i've read before, because i like them so much i know i'll read them several more times. like a hundred more times. a hundred million more times.



so good!! it's crazy, and funny, and insightful, and sad. read it.



i read this in college. and this is the book that made me want to read classic literature. i wasn't required to read anything in high school. i was home-schooled. i think i read "swiss family robinson" and "in his steps." that's all i remember reading. so i took american literature in college, instead of a foreign language. i partially regret that because i'd like to be bilingual. but it really made me want to read classic literature! the scarlet letter was so good, and then we read a few others that were too...and i've been trying to catch up with the rest of the world ever since then.



so here's the deal. if you want to know me, read pride and prejudice. i AM the pre-darcy elizabeth bennett. i have never related to any character in any book or movie more than i relate to her. i'm serious. everything she says is a thought i've had at some point. and then she falls in love and i don't relate to that.

and then i had another gift card to use at the mall. a parent at work gave it to me. i got some lotion and boring stuff, but then i also went into williams-sonoma. and ok, this is boring too. but i got two cookbooks. one for making salads, and one for making all different kinds of chicken. i like chicken.

and then i had $5 left...

and i got a calendar that will teach me a new word every day...

today's word is "skylark."

it's a verb. it means "to run up and down the rigging of a ship in sport" or "to frolic or sport."

neat.

i feel kind of materialistic right now. but i didn't buy any of it. so..i'm good...

my obsessions don't usually last this long

i found a video of ben sollee playing live.

i cannot contain my excitement.

he has moved from being a "temporary obsession" to being my "favorite artist." it's a big deal. ask anyone who knew me in high school. want to know who my favorite was then? the orange county supertones. i'm not ashamed.

in college i just had a series of temporary obsessions.

anyway...i put ben's name in on youtube. i like live music more than recorded music. it's hard to explain why. and since i can't actually go see him live right now, i can at least watch him play live music.

this is one of my favorite songs. he plays it a thousand times faster than the recorded version, but who cares? not i.

the best thing about this video is that it starts out slow. and you might even think "this is boring, i am so not impressed. i have never been more bored in my entire life."

and then, all of a sudden...

"this is the most delightful music i've ever heard, and my life will never be the same. he's playing a cello, and he's singing. at the same time. and it is good."



and then i started watching other videos...

his voice sounds really nice on this one.



i'll share just one more, even though there are a million you should watch.

i found a song i've never heard before. and this one has some random guy playing a guitar with him. and i have always liked hearing cello with other instruments. so this is really good too. i'm just saying.

the lyrics are kind of weird on this one. it's a song for a bag lady. weird. but i don't care.



***update***

a few hours after i wrote this, i found out ben sollee is playing in NASHVILLE, in a WEEK.

he's the only person i'll stay up late for on a work night.

i'm so happy.

maybe a snowman undergoing an autopsy?

be honest.

did you cringe a little when you opened my blog today? did you recoil in disgust*?

that, friends, is a picture of why i hate Christmas things. (remember: not CHRIST, just Christmas things**.)

in the past year or so, i've been able to put a finger on why Christmas things bother me so much. i think it's because of how my mom decorates her house. the tree is decorated with ornaments like that...thing. what is that thing? no one knows. but somehow it earned a spot on the tree. the tree has half real ornaments, and half ornaments that were created by me and my sisters when we were small. it used to have multi-colored lights that didn't just glow, they twinkled and flashed. it was a lot for any pair of eyes to take in.

like this sparkly manger made out of a milk carton:



i think she has actually kept every Christmas thing we ever made. like this wreath i made with my tiny hands when i was a tiny girl:



and there's another wreath i made later in fifth grade that she hangs in a different spot. (made with green garbage bags...) i don't know how my sisters were spending their time, but i was making wreaths.

usually she gets a million (see: a hundred or so) Christmas cards from people, and hangs those up too. she lines the house with them. seriously.



i'm not saying my mom sucks. it's her house. my sisters like it. i recognize that i am alone in my feelings about the decor. over the years, i somehow went from ...finding it to be a little "much"... to absolutely refusing to put ANY Christmas things in my own apartment.

just trying to offer some explanation about why i am the way i am.

*i looked up the definition for "recoil" to make sure i was using it correctly. i'm pretty sure i've never said that word in my entire life, so i wanted to use it the right way. as it turns out, it captures my feelings about Christmas things perfectly.

–verb 1. to draw back; start or shrink back, as in alarm, horror, or disgust.

**i think the general public would benefit from me defining "Christmas things." just so we're all on the same page.

ahem.

- anything that uses the red and green color combo
- any decorations that twinkle or flash
- any decorations that sing to you, unbidden
- any songs about snowmen, snow, bells, mythical creatures, etc.
- sparkly decorations
- garland of any color, including the kind that's supposed to look like pine
- fake snow
- real snow (i realize that's not unique to Christmas, but i still hate it)

i think that covers it.

note that the list excludes nice things like...nativity scenes. i'm all about showing love to sweet, baby Jesus.

that's how we do.

we successfully surprised my dad for Christmas.

my parents have had this tv for too many years:



and me and my sisters and grandparents combined forces and got him this 42" flat screen of awesomeness:



my mom knew about it ahead of time, because we needed some help hiding it in the house and all that. but my dad had no idea. it was great.

it was my sister laura's idea to do it. my dad does a lot for our family. he works really hard, and makes a lot of sacrifices for us. and he doesn't ever really do anything for himself, especially when it comes to buying stuff he "doesn't need." i'm kind of the same way. one of the parents at school gave me a gift card to target, and i'm totally planning on using it to buy...groceries. anyway, that's how my dad is. and the tv they have been using is really lame-o.

in fact, the only reason they even had one "that good" is because my grandparents bought themselves a new tv several years ago, and gave us their old one. before we had it, we had an even smaller tv that had some of those super cool rabbit ears hooked to the back. i vaguely remember having to position it in just the right spot to watch certain channels.

so we knew he'd never get a new tv.

and i got it on video. yay.

what's funny is that right before he opened the tv, my mom had given him a new coffee maker. and he was whining about how she didn't need to do that because his was "just fine" or something. he's not an ungrateful person. he just doesn't deal well with change, or spending money on things you don't need. and i am exactly the same.

anyway.

so that had happened right before this moment i captured on video.

all the presents had been opened, but there was one large box left. it was the tv stand for the new tv. so he was like "what about that? who is that for?" and my mom said "well that goes with something else they got you. they have to go upstairs and get it."

also, a few gifts had been wrapped in random boxes. my mom kept having to say "ignore the box, that's not what's inside..."

i make a really awesome joke that won't make sense without that information, ok.

note: my sisters have not mastered the "vacant, emotionless stare" as well as i have. the giggling is theirs.

dos.

i had lunch with an old friend today. we keep in touch, but don't see each other often since i have migrated to nashville. he's really funny, and really intelligent. his sense of humor is british. i wish he had a blog, so you could all experience his wit and acumen.

side note: my vocabulary (or should i say "lexicon") has really been out of control since i got back to texas. i'm not sure what's going on, but i like it.

anyway, we had some mexican food and talked for a couple hours. he recommended some books to put on my reading list...including RUSSIAN LITERATURE. i already feel more awesome, just for putting it on my list. and i recommended some music for him...you know, BEN SOLLEE. it was just really fun, that's all i'm saying.

i like vacation.

here's an entirely different topic:

this past sunday at church, we (the congregation) discussed the topic of missions for a few minutes. and the typical question was posed: "why should we be sending people far away, when there are so many hurting and lost people right where we live?"

i don't think this is a ridiculous question. but i did feel it had an obvious answer.

because Jesus said to. (of course as time goes on, more and more people around the world have been reached with the Gospel, so it's definately appropriate to stay where you are and minister to people in your community.)

but someone else's words were ringing in my ears while people were discussing it.

jim elliot, who else?

i love what he has to say on this topic. it's a question people posed to him before he sailed to ecuador.

enjoy.

(also, i'm not suggesting that anyone who doesn't do missions abroad is disobeying Christ. i just have an interest in missions, and have spent some time pursuing that. what's interesting is that now i feel more of a passion for the brokenness that exists where i am. so i identify with people who want to stay where they are, AND people who want to go. i just don't like people dismissing 'going' with that question. there may be many reasons for you or me not to go, but that isn't one of them.)

"So what if the well-fed church in the homeland needs stirring? They have the Scriptures, Moses, and the Prophets, and a whole lot more. Their condemnation is written on their bank books and in the dust on their Bible covers."

"The command is plain: you go into the whole world and announce the good news. It cannot be dispensationalized, typicalized, rationalized. It stands a clear command, possible of realization because of the Commander's following promise."

"You wonder why people choose fields away from the States when young people at home are drifting because no one wants to take time to listen to their problems. I'll tell you why I left. Because those Stateside young people have every opportunity to study, hear, and understand the Word of God in their own language, and these Indians have no opportunity whatsoever. I have had to make a cross of two logs, and lie down on it, to show the Indians what it means to crucify a man. When there is that much ignorance over here and so much knowledge and opportunity over there, I have no question in my mind why God sent me here. Those whimpering Stateside young people will wake up on the Day of Judgment condemned to worse fates than these demon-fearing Indians, because, having a Bible, they were bored with it - while these never heard of such a thing as writing."

"Our young men are going into the professional fields because they don't 'feel called' to the mission field. We don't need a call; we need a kick in the pants. We must begin thinking in terms of 'going out,' and stop our weeping because 'they won't come in.' Who wants to step into an igloo? The tombs themselves are not colder than the churches. May God send us forth."

God leads people differently. that's why some people stay and are missionaries where they are, and that's why some people go.

"I have not the foggiest idea how or where God will lead you. Of this I am sure. He will lead you and not let you miss your signs. Rest in this - it is His business to lead, command, impel, send, call, or whatever you want to call it. It is your business to obey, follow, move, respond, or what have you. This will sound meaningless to you, unconvincing and 'old stuff,' and that is what it should sound, for it is only a man's counsel. The sound of 'gentle stillness' after all the thunder and wind have passed will be the ultimate Word from God. Tarry long for it."

but i am inspired by the passion for the Aucas that Jim had. they killed him, and he knew they might. it's just neat. and i finished the book today, so this should be the last post about him for a long time.

"Then, after an answer from a prophet, Jehosephat, himself humbled and believing, charges his people: 'Believe in the Lord your God!' And then they broke out in singing! Singing, in the face of such a problem! Lord God, give me a faith that will take sufficient quiver out of me so that I can sing! Over the Aucas, Father, I want to sing."

X

just got back from the Christmas eve service at the church i grew up in.

i enjoyed it.

i'm not a fan of Christmasy things. i like Christ, mind you. just not Christmasy things. there's a difference. if you want to call me a scrooge, i'm just going to have to call you a pagan. so let's not go there.

we were singing some carols and stuff, led by the choir. and that was kind of cute because the whole front row was old people, and they were sitting down, worn out from their long day of 5 services. so they just sat and sang while the others stood. anyway, then this girl got up and sang "o holy night." a Christmas eve service staple. i was into it. i started feeling that Christmas feeling, you know.

but then i realized...we're missing something. what is it. what is it?

oh, i know.

what we need is for a little girl to read the Christmas story. and while she's doing that, we need a group of children to come on stage and become the living nativity. and some of them should definately dress up like animals.

and then a little boy should sing "happy birthday, Jesus."

and sure enough, that's what we got.

gotta love it.

and i do. in a surreal kind of way.

also, this is houston. and apparently everyone here feels left out of the "white" part of Christmas. so while we were all in the service, they had some people come and blow a bunch of fake snow in the parking lot so everyone could throw fake snowballs at each other.

this is really my life. sometimes i can't believe it.

a different jim.

i am halfway through my copy of shadow of the almighty. i've underlined a lot of quotes. a lot. a whole lot. i'm going to put some here. i won't be commenting on them, because... i can't follow jim elliot! whatever. but i'll start with two quotes from elisabeth, the author. his wife.

she doesn't like people talking about how cool jim was (which means she'd hate my blog...), so she ends the preface by saying:

"Was his life extraordinary? I offer these pages so that the reader may decide for himself. If his answer is yes - if he finds herein the 'stamp of Christ,' and decides that this is extraordinary - what shall we say of the state of Christendom?"

yeah...

it is sad to marvel at the quotes of someone who is just another human like me. being captivated by Christ and not bothered by nonsense should be the norm in my life.

but i do like that she includes some words about people being impressed by martyrs. i mentioned a few weeks ago when i started re-reading this that i wasn't really moved by that part of the story.

"Is the distinction between living for Christ and dying for Him, after all, so great? Is not the second the logical conclusion of the first?"

two elisabeth quotes, and i'm moving on. the rest are from jim. hopefully you're not like me, and you'll read these and think "yeah i wrote that in MY journal this morning..."

this is long, but well worth your time. ALSO, there are two quotes about his thoughts on Christmas. which make me feel way better about MINE. i get a lot of grief for hating Christmas trees, and twinkly lights, and songs about bells and snowflakes. i like Jesus. i like Christmas. i hate all the extras. and so did jim elliot! so maybe you think i'm a super lame person, but we're talking about jim elliot here. a martyr. i'm just saying.

"Lord, make my way prosperous, not that I achieve high station, but that my life may be an exhibit to the value of knowing God."

"God is still on His throne, we're still on His footstool, and there's only a knee's distance between!"

"I lack the fervency, vitality, life in prayer which I long for. I know that many consider it fanaticism when they hear anything which does not conform to the conventional, sleep-inducing eulogies so often rising from Laodicean lips; but I know too that these same people can acquiescently tolerate sin in their lives and in the church without so much as tilting one hair of their eyebrows. Cold prayers, like cold suitors, are seldom effective in their aims."

"Missionaries are very human folks, just doing what they are asked. Simply a bunch of nobodies trying to exalt Somebody."

"No one warns young people to follow Adam's example. He waited till God saw his need. Then God made Adam sleep, prepared for his mate, and brought her to him. We need more of this 'being asleep' in the will of God. Then we can receive what He brings us in His own time, if at all. Instead we are set as bloodhounds after a partner, considering everyone we see until our minds are so concerned with the sex problem that we can talk of nothing else when bull-session time comes around."

"The Word of God is not bound! It's free to say what it will to the individual and no one can outline it into dispensations which cannot be broken. Don't get it down 'cold,' but let it live - fresh, warm, and vibrant - so that the world is not binding ponderous books about it, but rather is shackling you for having allowed it to have free course in your life."

(ok...one comment here. he wasn't a fan of studying theology, which is the opposite of me. but his point is still good...)

"Pray. That saint who advances on his knees never retreats."

"Of the flesh and its false emotions I have quite had my fill. Of Jesus I cannot seem to get enough. Thank God, though, He does not thwart the soul's desire for Himself, but only whets the desire, intensifying, sublimating."

"Father, save them, I pray; grace only makes me differ."

"All I have asked has not been given, and the Father's withholding has served only to intensify my desires. He knows that the 'hungrier' one is, the more appreciative he becomes of food, and if I have gotten nothing else from this year's experience He has given me a hunger for Himself I have never experienced before. He only promises water to the thirsty, salvation to the unsatisfied (I do not say dissatisfied), filling to those famished for righteousness."

"...we best learn patience by practicing it."

"Because I cannot see, nor even assuredly feel, His satisfaction with me, I cannot doubt the leading simply because of the dark. The leading is nonetheless real, the pathway has simply been into a place I didn't expect or ask for."

"Lord Jesus, I thank Thee that Thou didst banish the very principle of distance on that Cross. Thou wast forsaken, thrust away from God, that Thou shouldst bring me near. GRACE! All grace."

"How deaf must be the deafness of the ear which has never heard the story; how blind the eye that has not looked on Christ for light; how pressed the soul that has no hope of glory; how hideous the fate of man who knoweth only night! God arouse us to care, to feel as He Himself does for their welfare."

"Joy and peace can only come in believing, and that is all I can say to Him tonight. Lord, I believe. I don't love, I don't feel, I don't understand, I can only believe. Bring Thou faith to fruition, Great Harvest Lord. Produce in me, I pray."

"By His grace I shall not have His second best."

"Discouragement is a Satanic tool that seems to fit my disposition and the Enemy knows it...Well, all my doubts and fears (hinges on which swing the gates of Hell) cannot prevail to take Him from His throne nor stop Him from the building of His Church."

"Personally, I wasn't 'saved' all at once, but took some years coming into my present settled convictions about the truth of God. So why should I demand that conversion be immediate in others? Christ healed men differently. Some...He spoke a word, and there was a lightning-fast reaction. Others He touched, spat upon, made clay, spoke to and questioned...Let not him who accepts light in an instant despise him who gropes months in shadows. It took the Twelve three years to apprehend what was being shown them. The natural, so often illustrative of the spiritual, teaches that healing and growth, yea, even birth, are processes, and I think we altar-callers often perform abortions in our haste to see 'results.'"

"We are so utterly ordinary, so commonplace, while we profess to know a Power the Twentieth Century does not reckon with. But we are 'harmless,' and therefore unharmed. We are spiritual pacifists, non-militants, conscientious objectors in this battle-to-the-death with principalities and powers in high places. Meekness must be had for contact with men, but brass, outspoken boldness is required to take part in the comradeship of the Cross. We are 'sideliners' - coaching and criticizing the real wrestlers while content to sit by and leave the enemies of God unchallenged. The world cannot hate us, we are too much like its own."

"I think the devil has made it his business to monopolize on three elements: noise, hurry, crowds. If he can keep us hearing radios, gossip, conversation, or even sermons, he is happy. But he will not allow quietness. For he believes Isaiah where we do not. Satan is quite aware of the power of silence. The voice of God, though persistent, is soft."

"And now men talk of Christ-mass - weird monstrosity and mixture of bright lights, reindeer, tissue paper and scraggly evergreens; jumbled mobs, bargain-baited, 'striving after wind', singing 'Silent Night' - but what know they of Immanuel?"

"...do away with all waverings, bewilderment, and wonder. You have bargained for a cross. Overcome anything in the confidence of your union with Him, so that contemplating trial, enduring persecution or loneliness, you may know the blessings of the 'joy set before.' 'We are the sheep of His pasture. Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, and into His courts with praise.' And what are sheep doing going into the gate? What is their purpose inside those courts? To bleat melodies and enjoy the company of the flock? No. Those sheep were destined for the altar. Their pasture feeding had been for one purpose, to test them and fatten them for bloody sacrifice. Give Him thanks, then, that you have been counted worthy of His altars. Enter into the work with praise."

"I blush to think of things I have said, as if I knew something about what Scripture teaches."

"One does not surrender a life in an instant. That which is lifelong can only be surrendered in a lifetime."

"Just today I was thinking of how God loves in spite of all my sin and has promised to bring us to the 'desired haven.'...He loves through all these things - makes them seem too worthless even to be thought upon. I know them. God knows them. I confess them. He forgives them. Oh that I might praise Him worthily!"

"I see clearly now that anything, whatever it is, if it be not on the principle of grace, it is not of God. Here shall be my plea in weakness; here shall be my boldness in prayer; here shall be my deliverance in temptation; at last, here shall be my translation. Not of grace? Then not of God."

"I think there is nothing so startling in all the graces of God as His quietness."

"The practice at Christmas has gotten to be such a commercialized hoax that I will be sincerely glad when all good Christians abandon it. The excitement of the weekend left us all weary-eyed and untalkative at supper tonight. Seems to me we would have a better attitude toward the whole thing if someone would write a realistic poem on the 'Night After Christmas,' to counterbalance the magical effects of the imaginative 'Night Before.'

and this is his most famous quote:

"One of the great blessings of heaven is the appreciation of heaven on earth. He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose."