today i did some major cleaning. i have some friends coming later this week, so i was cleaning the dark corners of my apartment that i never pay attention to.
and it was really fun. because while i cleaned i listened to BEN SOLLEE. i haven't listened to him in a few weeks. i forgot he's amazing. but i remember now.
it was also really good to be doing something. if i sit around and watch tv, my mind starts feeling burdened again.
work is not going well. as usual. but today we got another threatening memo. as in, she threatened to fire us if we don't do certain things. we get those every now and then. today's topic was showing up to work on time. this is not an issue for me. but it's still rough to get those kinds of notes. because one day she might just be annoyed with something i don't do well, and threaten to fire me for that.
plus there's the car accident issues. it has officially been a MONTH since the accident now. i'm so tired of having this on my mind. every minute of every day, it's there. my insurance told me i need to be calling the other insurance lady EVERY DAY, to get her to do her job. which means i can't push the thoughts away, i have to acknowledge them every day. but my dad said i shouldn't call every day, i should just sit back and wait to see what happens. so i don't know what i'm supposed to do. if i don't call, i think "i should have called." and if i do call, i think "i shouldn't have done that. she's going to get annoyed and do something bad." either way, i worry. i need this to be over, so bad. i want to move on. i want to live my life again.
i am still enjoying reading one of my jim elliot books. i bought them all on ebay a while ago, but i haven't read them since i bought them. so it's fun because i finally get to underline all my favorite quotes. it's fun to rediscover them. they're so familiar. today i found a couple that i somehow missed before:
"Somehow I've had trouble resting in His love the last couple of days but find afresh the truth of Romans 15:13, 'in believing' we find joy and peace. I've found it hard to do just that, doubting in darkness what God made lucidly clear in the light. But the soul is built for struggle and the Spirit given to comfort and sustain. What a wretched ingrate I am for all the blessings He has laid to me, signs that He is designing my life. Faith is to be the life-blood of the just, but my spirit's circulating system is a little sluggish, I fear."
"...but are we so childish (I do not say childlike) as to think that a God who could scheme a Jesus-plan would lead poor pilgrims into situations they could not bear? Dost thou believe that God doth answer prayer, my heart? Yea, I believe. Then will He not most assuredly answer that frequent cry of thine, 'Lead me, Lord'? I am as confident of God's leading as I am of His salvation."
i wonder what tomorrow brings.
"I see the man of sorrows and his long troubled road
I see the world on his shoulders and my easy load" - Sara Groves
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Saturday, December 6, 2008
when the saints
i went to the art music justice tour in october. sara groves sang this song called "when the saints" that night and it's a GREAT song. i just remembered i loved it. the last minute or so of the song is her mentioning people that have "gone before" that inspire us, and there's a couple lines about the missionaries who were killed in ecuador in the 50's.
i seriously can't put a finger on why this story means so much to me. i can't tell you how many times i've read it, and thought about it. it's not because they're martyrs. it has something to do with their complete love for the indians. it shaped their entire life. when they'd fly in their little airplane over the huts, and drop little trinkets to develop a trust between them...they were so enthusiastic about it. i remember one journal entry that stuck out to me was when the line got caught or something, so the indian had to hold onto it for a minute, and jim wrote something about how he couldn't believe that they were both holding on to different ends of the rope...connected, but not really, but longing for the day when he could share Christ with them...he was just so excited at the small progress they'd made in their efforts...
see what i mean? i can't explain it.
in elisabeth elliot's books, she is ALWAYS quoting and mentioning someone named "amy carmichael." like, all the time. it can be kind of redundant. but i understand, because that's how i feel about jim elliot and the other missionaries that were killed with him. the story never gets old. i'm enjoying reading it again.
i want to have that kind of passion. it's taking shape, but i'm not really sure what to do with it.
anyway, blah blah, so when i heard sara sing that song at her concert, and saw them flash images of jim elliot, i was really "moved" or whatever you want to call it. because it's something very "special" to me or something. i hate sounding so cheesy.
here's something not cheesy:
the other night i dreamed about jim elliot. i dreamed that he wasn't really killed. i dreamed they took him captive, and we all just misunderstood and thought he was dead, but really he wasn't. and they just discovered he was alive after all these years, and there was much rejoicing. especially when he and elisabeth reconnected, and he found out that her third husband was dead (not true in real life), so he was like "score. we can be together again."
weird dream.
here's the song that some nutso added pictures to. there are some RANDOM pictures on here. but if you start watching at 2:15, you'll hear the part i love, and see the pictures that i can always immediately recognize and identify, because of how often i look at them...
and the song lyrics:
Lord I have a heavy burden of all I've seen and know
It's more than I can handle
But your word is burning like a fire shut up in my bones
and I cannot let it go
And when I'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought
I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard
I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
Lord it's all that I can't carry and cannot leave behind
it often overwhelms me
but when I think of all who've gone before and lived the faithful life
their courage compells me
And when I'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought
I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard
I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars
I see the shepherd Moses in the Pharohs court
I hear his call for freedom for the people of the Lord
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
I see the long quiet walk along the Underground Railroad
I see the slave awakening to the value of her soul
I see the young missionary and the angry spear
I see his family returning with no trace of fear
I see the long hard shadows of Calcutta nights
I see the sisters standing by the dying man's side
I see the young girl huddled on the brothel floor
I see the man with a passion come and kicking down the door
I see the man of sorrows and his long troubled road
I see the world on his shoulders and my easy load
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
i seriously can't put a finger on why this story means so much to me. i can't tell you how many times i've read it, and thought about it. it's not because they're martyrs. it has something to do with their complete love for the indians. it shaped their entire life. when they'd fly in their little airplane over the huts, and drop little trinkets to develop a trust between them...they were so enthusiastic about it. i remember one journal entry that stuck out to me was when the line got caught or something, so the indian had to hold onto it for a minute, and jim wrote something about how he couldn't believe that they were both holding on to different ends of the rope...connected, but not really, but longing for the day when he could share Christ with them...he was just so excited at the small progress they'd made in their efforts...
see what i mean? i can't explain it.
in elisabeth elliot's books, she is ALWAYS quoting and mentioning someone named "amy carmichael." like, all the time. it can be kind of redundant. but i understand, because that's how i feel about jim elliot and the other missionaries that were killed with him. the story never gets old. i'm enjoying reading it again.
i want to have that kind of passion. it's taking shape, but i'm not really sure what to do with it.
anyway, blah blah, so when i heard sara sing that song at her concert, and saw them flash images of jim elliot, i was really "moved" or whatever you want to call it. because it's something very "special" to me or something. i hate sounding so cheesy.
here's something not cheesy:
the other night i dreamed about jim elliot. i dreamed that he wasn't really killed. i dreamed they took him captive, and we all just misunderstood and thought he was dead, but really he wasn't. and they just discovered he was alive after all these years, and there was much rejoicing. especially when he and elisabeth reconnected, and he found out that her third husband was dead (not true in real life), so he was like "score. we can be together again."
weird dream.
here's the song that some nutso added pictures to. there are some RANDOM pictures on here. but if you start watching at 2:15, you'll hear the part i love, and see the pictures that i can always immediately recognize and identify, because of how often i look at them...
and the song lyrics:
Lord I have a heavy burden of all I've seen and know
It's more than I can handle
But your word is burning like a fire shut up in my bones
and I cannot let it go
And when I'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought
I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard
I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
Lord it's all that I can't carry and cannot leave behind
it often overwhelms me
but when I think of all who've gone before and lived the faithful life
their courage compells me
And when I'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought
I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard
I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars
I see the shepherd Moses in the Pharohs court
I hear his call for freedom for the people of the Lord
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
I see the long quiet walk along the Underground Railroad
I see the slave awakening to the value of her soul
I see the young missionary and the angry spear
I see his family returning with no trace of fear
I see the long hard shadows of Calcutta nights
I see the sisters standing by the dying man's side
I see the young girl huddled on the brothel floor
I see the man with a passion come and kicking down the door
I see the man of sorrows and his long troubled road
I see the world on his shoulders and my easy load
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
Friday, December 5, 2008
kailey rose
the first time i saw her.
the first time i held her.
today is her first birthday.
i can count the times i've visited her on one hand, which makes me sad, but she is such a blessing...and i'm just the aunt!
the first time i held her.
today is her first birthday.
i can count the times i've visited her on one hand, which makes me sad, but she is such a blessing...and i'm just the aunt!
Thursday, December 4, 2008
advent conspiracy
saw this video.
think it's great!
i've already bought my family Christmas presents this year, and i know they're all doing that too. i'm not about to throw a wrench in our plans this year, ESPECIALLY since my sister laura came up with the amazing idea to surprise my dad with a NEW TV! he has no idea. my parents' tv is really old. like, really old. as in, my grandparents gave it to us when THEY got a new tv. the picture is shrinking a little, and when you change the channel...the numbers are reversed on the screen. and some other problems. laura pointed out that our parents do a lot for us, so SURPRISE! my mom is in on it, because we needed some help with logistics. i can't wait to unveil it. i'll try to get that on video, but not if it interferes with me enjoying the moment.
i bring that up to say...i don't think that giving gifts to your family is a selfish thing to do. that's the only thing i sometimes don't enjoy about people encouraging us to be more generous to charity or whatever. i get a lot of joy from giving my family gifts at Christmas.
BUT
we are so blessed, and there's also a lot of joy to be found in giving all of that to people who are really hurting. instead of to each other.
we're all older now, so now (see: next year) might be a good time to say "instead of buying for each other, let's find ways to give other people gifts. angel trees. buying NEW gifts to donate to missions. etc." and maybe do a secret santa thing, so we each just have one person to buy a gift for...i don't know....there are so many different ways to be generous. (what a position to be in...)
with the exception of my niece, kailey! because we LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE kailey. and i think we're all more excited to give her things than anything else. because she's so awesome. when i went to visit my sister emily at baylor, we stopped by to see kailey for half an hour. i bought her a stuffed lion. for no reason at all. just because she's so neat.
anyway...
it's interesting how at the hardest part of my life (see: RIGHT NOW), i want to be involved with things that matter. every good thought i have comes from God. left alone, i think only of myself. how amazing that my wicked soul could find 10 seconds to think of anyone else.
think it's great!
i've already bought my family Christmas presents this year, and i know they're all doing that too. i'm not about to throw a wrench in our plans this year, ESPECIALLY since my sister laura came up with the amazing idea to surprise my dad with a NEW TV! he has no idea. my parents' tv is really old. like, really old. as in, my grandparents gave it to us when THEY got a new tv. the picture is shrinking a little, and when you change the channel...the numbers are reversed on the screen. and some other problems. laura pointed out that our parents do a lot for us, so SURPRISE! my mom is in on it, because we needed some help with logistics. i can't wait to unveil it. i'll try to get that on video, but not if it interferes with me enjoying the moment.
i bring that up to say...i don't think that giving gifts to your family is a selfish thing to do. that's the only thing i sometimes don't enjoy about people encouraging us to be more generous to charity or whatever. i get a lot of joy from giving my family gifts at Christmas.
BUT
we are so blessed, and there's also a lot of joy to be found in giving all of that to people who are really hurting. instead of to each other.
we're all older now, so now (see: next year) might be a good time to say "instead of buying for each other, let's find ways to give other people gifts. angel trees. buying NEW gifts to donate to missions. etc." and maybe do a secret santa thing, so we each just have one person to buy a gift for...i don't know....there are so many different ways to be generous. (what a position to be in...)
with the exception of my niece, kailey! because we LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE kailey. and i think we're all more excited to give her things than anything else. because she's so awesome. when i went to visit my sister emily at baylor, we stopped by to see kailey for half an hour. i bought her a stuffed lion. for no reason at all. just because she's so neat.
anyway...
it's interesting how at the hardest part of my life (see: RIGHT NOW), i want to be involved with things that matter. every good thought i have comes from God. left alone, i think only of myself. how amazing that my wicked soul could find 10 seconds to think of anyone else.
it's that time...
my thoughts about the past few days are negative. i am overwhelmed.
i'm taking a break from my quest to read every book in the world, so i can revisit some literature from my past.
i read the first few chapters of "don't waste your life" over thanksgiving break, and it gave me a small boost.
but today i decided i know what will do the trick. jim elliot. i sent an e-mail to someone, and on my yahoo account there's a quote from him as my "signature." i made that account back in the days when i liked signatures. now i kind of hate them. ANYWAY, it made me want to read some jim elliot.
he's a missionary that died.
i'm not inspired by his death.
i'm inspired by the way he lived. his attitude while being alive is the polar opposite of my attitude right now. i am struggling.
the thing about jim elliot that is so striking is that he wrote these journals for himself...he had no intention of other people reading them. his wife published them after he died. when people write books, they edit themselves. they say things with a certain goal or topic in mind. not jim elliot. he was just puking his thoughts into a journal...unedited. he didn't make them up to fit a topic of a book. this was how he really was.
if i had a journal, today's entry would be full of expletives. which is not quite the same as this:
"Father, let me be weak that I might loose my clutch on everything temporal. My life, my reputation, my possessions, Lord, let me loose the tension of the grasping hand. Even, Father, would I lose the love of fondling. How often I have released a grasp only to retain what I prized by 'harmless' longing, the fondling touch. Rather, open my hand to receive the nail of Calvary, as Christ's was opened - that I, releasing all, might be released, unleashed from all that binds me now. He thought Heaven, yea, equality with God, not a thing to be clutched at. So let me release my grasp." -Jim Elliot
i'm taking a break from my quest to read every book in the world, so i can revisit some literature from my past.
i read the first few chapters of "don't waste your life" over thanksgiving break, and it gave me a small boost.
but today i decided i know what will do the trick. jim elliot. i sent an e-mail to someone, and on my yahoo account there's a quote from him as my "signature." i made that account back in the days when i liked signatures. now i kind of hate them. ANYWAY, it made me want to read some jim elliot.
he's a missionary that died.
i'm not inspired by his death.
i'm inspired by the way he lived. his attitude while being alive is the polar opposite of my attitude right now. i am struggling.
the thing about jim elliot that is so striking is that he wrote these journals for himself...he had no intention of other people reading them. his wife published them after he died. when people write books, they edit themselves. they say things with a certain goal or topic in mind. not jim elliot. he was just puking his thoughts into a journal...unedited. he didn't make them up to fit a topic of a book. this was how he really was.
if i had a journal, today's entry would be full of expletives. which is not quite the same as this:
"Father, let me be weak that I might loose my clutch on everything temporal. My life, my reputation, my possessions, Lord, let me loose the tension of the grasping hand. Even, Father, would I lose the love of fondling. How often I have released a grasp only to retain what I prized by 'harmless' longing, the fondling touch. Rather, open my hand to receive the nail of Calvary, as Christ's was opened - that I, releasing all, might be released, unleashed from all that binds me now. He thought Heaven, yea, equality with God, not a thing to be clutched at. So let me release my grasp." -Jim Elliot
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
too much cute.
i'm about to rock your world with adorable-ness.
i got so much quality time with my one year old niece, kailey, on thanksgiving break. (actually she's not one until friday...)
i even got to babysit her for 3 or 4 hours.
i'm telling you...
you won't be able to handle the amount of cute you're about to see. brace yourself.
this is kailey rose.
bonus: a video.
we had a lot of fun while i was babysitting her. we learned how to put things on our heads. we laughed a lot. at one point, i was entertaining her with a walrus that she found in my room. (remember when beanie babies were cool? no?) for at least 10 minutes, she found this hysterical. i didn't think to video tape it soon enough. but here...a glimpse.
i got so much quality time with my one year old niece, kailey, on thanksgiving break. (actually she's not one until friday...)
i even got to babysit her for 3 or 4 hours.
i'm telling you...
you won't be able to handle the amount of cute you're about to see. brace yourself.
this is kailey rose.
bonus: a video.
we had a lot of fun while i was babysitting her. we learned how to put things on our heads. we laughed a lot. at one point, i was entertaining her with a walrus that she found in my room. (remember when beanie babies were cool? no?) for at least 10 minutes, she found this hysterical. i didn't think to video tape it soon enough. but here...a glimpse.
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