olivia is such a conceited pig.

tomorrow is monday.

i think the weekend did its job this week. i'm "ready" for work tomorrow. not excited about it, but ready. we're studying the circus for a couple weeks. which i suppose is inevitable at a preschool.

i checked out a bunch of books about the circus on saturday. i hate the children's section at the library. so incredibly unorganized. it's never too early to learn how to alphabetize and file accordingly, that's what i always say.

the only thing i'm nervous about is that my boss is out of town. leaving the assistant director in charge. she thinks it's fun to create situations that get us in trouble. i'm not exaggerating. normally it's stuff like she'll try to get you to complain about the boss, and then go tell on you. but lately it's been other stuff, like forcing us to stay late so our boss gets mad about overtime. i don't know why she does it. my boss has never been gone for an entire week, though. usually when the assistant director is in charge, it's just for a day. so she doesn't get too crazy because she knows the boss will be back. but a whole week...yikes. i'm nervous about what she's going to do.

but tonight at church during the confession time, the end of the prayer said:

"But a glorious throne set on high from the beginning is the place of our sanctuary! Our forgiveness is found in that glorious throne! Our righteousness is found in that glorious throne! Our beauty is found in that glorious throne! Our identity is found in that glorious throne! Our worth is found in that glorious throne, for Jesus Christ, our Savior, Redeemer, Priest and King is there! He is our sanctuary. We thank you and praise you, Jesus, the One who sits on the glorious throne."

at a normal workplace, the way i get through the stress is by saying "i'm just going to go to work, and do what i'm supposed to do, and not worry about the drama." but at this job, there are times when i actually get in trouble for doing what i've been told. it's so frustrating. but it was so good to be reminded tonight that my identity is found in Christ. not in what my boss thinks of me, or does to me. i may sound paranoid, but no, these things actually happen at my job.

but Christ is so much bigger than that. and so much better, and so beautiful.

so, i'm ready for monday.

and i think it's funny that one of the books i checked out, is about a little girl pig named olivia. she spends the book bragging to her friends about how she performed an entire circus on her own. a book about a conceited pig. genius.

i want free things too.

i mentioned that once a week i'm going to cook something i've never made before. last night was my first experiment.

i'm not a bad cook, but this is going to make me sound like a bad cook.

i made chicken stuffed with spinach and goat cheese.

i know. how good does that sound.

i was supposed to mince some garlic to mix with the spinach. but i had to toss the garlic because...i don't know how to mince! i watched a youtube video demonstration (yes...i did), but i couldn't make it happen. the garlic stuck to my hands, and i don't think i have a good enough knife. and i'm fairly certain you're not supposed to eat chunks of garlic, because that would taste like feet. so i had to toss it.

the spinach turned out fine, though. i mean...it's spinach. that's not complicated. i love to chop things, so that was a real treat.

i managed to cut the little pockets into the chicken and stuff them ok.

it didn't cook right. it's done. it's just not good.

this will not deter me. i will make it again sometime in the future, and it will be better. i don't know what i'll be making next week.

BUT this whole experience reminded me of my biggest pet peeve. (i just typed "my most major pet peeve." what did i think i was saying?)

wedding showers. i'm ok with wedding showers. what i'm not ok with is that married people are the only people who are showered with the gifts they need to start a new life. i'm single, and that's fine. i'm not jealous of the marraige part. but i am jealous of the free pots and pans part. because i need those things too. but i can't afford to buy them. i've been out of college 3 years, and i just recently bought a full set of tupperware. until now, i've just been putting foil over bowls in the fridge. and i don't have a large mixing bowl, so when i have to mix things...i have to split everything up and mix it in separate cereal bowls. my baking trays are so cheap that almost everything burns on them. and on, and on.

i live a pretty simple lifestyle anyway, so i make it work. i don't use my heat in the winter. i don't have a/c in my car because i think it would be a waste of money to fix on a car with 201,000 miles. (passed that landmark this week...) so it's not like i'm suffering. i'm just saying...i'd love me some sharp knives and measuring cups that don't rust.

weddings are celebrations. showers are appropriate.

i think we should throw them for single college graduates. i could have used all that stuff just as much as a newlywed couple. (still could...) and graduations are celebrations too.

my job is so weird.

when i got back from work today, i went straight to the computer. i did a google image search for pictures of hot dogs.

what.

i need it for my job.

what.

there are just some days when i have to pause what i'm doing, and remind myself "this is not normal. don't accept this as normal. that's when you become the 'frog in a pot of boiling water.' draw some hot dogs. then jump out of the boiling water, and go read anna karenina. recognize that this is strange."

but still, i had to craft this almost entirely out of thin air:

i should have painted my table.

my memorial day weekend:

saturday - i got my car fixed. it's been shaking and vibrating. i pretended nothing was wrong. i don't know why i do that. but it's fixed. it was the tires. or something. and THEN

i went to see "angels and demons" which was good. the book was really good. it was about how science and religion have been warring for centuries, but they shouldn't. they compliment each other quite nicely. unfortunately, in the movie, that message was lost a bit. they kept the "religion shouldn't be afraid of science" part of the story, but not the "scientists need to leave room for mystery" part of the story. in the book, there's actually a scientist who proves that creation could have happened the way the Bible says it did. and then he dies because of it. that happens on page one, so i'm not spoiling anything. anyway...it's a great book.

sunday - i read a lot of anna karenina, which i posted about yesterday. no need to rehash. i went to ugly mugs, and taught sunday school. which was not good. they don't listen to me. it's so not the right place for me. only one more sunday! i think. maybe two.

monday - ahhh. monday. i almost went to the horseshoe tournament thing, but then remembered...no. that will be noisy, and i never get to have quiet mondays. the children scream so much. so, so much. so i de-cluttered parts of my apartment. i watched daytime television. i went to see "ghosts of girlfriends past." i felt glad that hollywood captured romantic cynicism again. i'm going to write down a bunch of recipes on notecards, which may not sound awesome...unless you're a nerd and like to write things down, and organize them. yay.

and i just made a decision. once a week, i'm going to cook something new that i've never made before. i like to chop things. and i like to try new things, not just food related. but definately food related. so there's that. a new year's resolution. or whatever.

some pictures from d.c. to remember memorial day:

my grandpa and uncle both served in the armed forces.

clever title

i'm reading anna karenina by leo tolstoy.

sometimes i feel like i'm too ridiculous of a person to read books like this. i think i've said that before. saying things like "i'm reading macbeth" seems wrong somehow. it probably doesn't help that i giggle a little after i say it.

this is a good book.

i've never read anything russian before. i'm a big fan of british writing because british humor is the best. british people have such a sharp wit. it's impossible to match. but i love it.

i don't know if all russian writers are like this, but tolstoy is blowing my mind. he's so descriptive. he's able to describe feelings i've never even been able to explain to myself.

there's this one character in the story that i'm really relating to. he has a really unhealthy infatuation with this girl, and it's destroying him. i'm not currently experiencing that, but i have in the past. it was not fun. and the descriptions of his feelings are so accurate.

i don't know where this story line will end up, because i'm only, uhhh, 1/6 of the way through the book. i get the feeling that they're going to end up together, and it's going to be seen as romantic. but that's not how i'm reading these quotes. this guy is obsessed.

but i was just reading these quotes again and felt like sharing them. they aren't all from that character, but they're all about the same subject. making romantic love an idol. i don't think that's what i'm supposed to be taking away from anna karenina, but so far...that's what i'm seeing. people having affairs. people feeling depressed because of rejection.

but it is a great book. it's all very real emotion. it's very well written.

Levin was wondering what that change in Kitty’s expression had meant, and alternately assuring himself that there was hope, and falling into despair, seeing clearly that his hopes were insane, and yet all the while he felt himself quite another man, utterly unlike what he had been before her smile and those words, “Good-bye till this evening.”

…for him all the girls in the world were divided into two classes: one class – all the girls in the world except her, and those girls with all sorts of human weaknesses, and very ordinary girls: the other class – she alone, having no weaknesses of any sort and higher than all humanity.

And those who only know the non-platonic love have no need to talk of tragedy. In such love there can be no sort of tragedy.

She saw that her daughter was in love with him, but tried to comfort herself with the thought that he was an honorable man, and would not do this. But at the same time she knew how easy it is, with the freedom of manners of to-day, to turn a girl’s head, and how lightly men generally regard such a crime.

He felt himself, and did not want to be any one else. All he wanted now was to be better than before. In the first place he resolved that from that day he would give up hoping for any extraordinary happiness, such as marriage must have given him, and consequently he would not so disdain what he really had. Secondly, he would never again let himself give way to low passion, the memory of which had so tortured him when he had been making up his mind to make an offer.

All these traces of his life seemed to clutch him, and to say to him: “No, you’re not going to get away from us, and you’re not going to be different, but you’re going to be the same as you’ve always been; with doubts, everlasting dissatisfaction with yourself, vain efforts to amend, and falls, and everlasting expectation, of a happiness which you won’t get, and which isn’t possible for you.” This the things said to him, but another voice in his heart was telling him that he must not fall under the sway of the past, and that one can do anything with oneself.

His ideas of marriage were, consequently, quite unlike those of the great majority of his acquaintances, for whom getting married was one of the numerous facts of social life. For Levin it was the chief affair of life, on which its whole happiness turned. And now he had to give up that.

More than once she had told herself during the past few days, and again only a few moments before, that Vronsky was for her only one of the hundreds of young men, forever exactly the same, that are met everywhere, that she would never allow herself to bestow a thought upon him.

I’ve nothing to grieve over and be comforted about. I am too proud ever to allow myself to care for a man who does not love me.

Friends we shall never be, you know that yourself. Whether we shall be the happiest or the wretchedest of people – that’s in your hands.

He was impatiently looking forward to the news that she was married, or just going to be married, hoping that such news would, like having a tooth out, completely cure him.

this is my actual life.

today was in-service training day. a day with no children, but lots of seminars. mostly boring seminars.

the lecturer for one of them called herself "dr. feel good."

yes. dr. feel good.

and she made us pat ourselves on the back for being good listeners when she was done. "i want you to take your right hand, reach over your left shoulder, and give yourself a pat on the back!"

there was one good seminar where we got to spend an hour making crafts. i used glitter. markers. construction paper. i turned paper sacks into so many different magical things. fish. palm trees. bears. i'm still a little amazed with myself, if i'm allowed to say so.

this is my actual life. sometimes i feel like i'm observing it from the corner of the room, because it's too strange to be real.

painting is such an emo thing to do.

more of my trip to texas:

it was fun to see the whole family. parents. sisters. brother-in-law. niece. there was lots of giggling, and lots of reminders from my sisters that i'm an idiot. they kind of prepare the way for me, though. if you give me your camera, and ask me to take pictures of your graduation from baylor, i don't know why you get upset that i took pictures of all the strangers around me. and pictures of my dad sleeping. and awkward shots of you from behind.

but...how cute is it that she chose to walk on the curb? for no reason.



but there were some tears too.

my sister had a miscarraige. while i was there. which is an incredibly personal thing to share on a blog, but it was a crazy experience. i ended up spending a lot of time baby-sitting my 15-month-old niece, and i enjoyed every second of that. i reminded her that every boring toy becomes infinitely more exciting if you put it on your head.

but it was a weird weekend. what was the point of her being pregnant for six weeks? it didn't even have a name. we had only known about it for a week. a week. but that was plenty of time for me to love it. i already felt it was part of the family.

it's just so weird to me. God created it, and He did it on purpose. God always creates on purpose. it wasn't an accident. but...why?

i'll never know.

i ended up breaking down on the flight back to nashville. good thing no one was sitting next to me.

and i decided to paint something.

i've painted two things before. both of them were so random, if you really know me like i do. which...you don't. i enjoy being creative, but it's not something i do regularly. one day i just decided i wanted to paint, even though i had no experience with that before.

they're so basic. anyone could do what i've done. i'm not saying that to downplay it, or be humble...it's just a fact. a rational thought.

and now i've done it a third time. this time, because it makes me sad that baby X will never have any pictures or anything. he had no sonogram snapshots yet.

so i painted something, but i hate it. i really do. i didn't hate the things i made before, but i hate this painting. it's so ugly. i'm trying to think of ways to fix it. but until then...here's a picture.

i painted part of a tree, because trees make me think of life. and i painted some verses from psalm 139, because i couldn't stop thinking about how God intentionally created this baby. and then took it away. i highlighted the phrases that made me think of the baby.

that's part of what i hate about it. i had to make my handwriting look like art, which it is not.

ANYWAY.

for baby:

miracle baby.

i went to see my sister graduate from baylor this weekend. my whole family was there, which was pretty great. it's not often that the whole group is together.

i got to spend a lot of quality time with my niece, kailey. pictures...

(i don't know why blogger is rotating this...)



riding her giant dog, armed with a plastic knife. she is sure to destroy everything in her path.



i wonder if she texts in jibberish.



she left the room we were in. after a few minutes of silence, i decided to see what she was up to. this is what i found.




she's probably going to be one of those five year olds with an ipod. can you believe those five year olds.

i want a pet jellyfish. so bad.

i watched seven pounds last night.

i don't do sad movies.

flashback...

today is the last day of teacher appreciation week. but today was the best day.

i got FLOWERS.



two cute little bouquets, and eight individual roses.

i don't know if you can tell, but that's two separate vases.

i love flowers.

i buy them for myself sometimes. getting them is also fun.

and as i took that picture, i thought to myself "this is the best corner of my apartment." a bookcase. cool candle holders. two flower vases full of fresh flowers. pictures of my niece when she was a mere two weeks old.

it looks good.

anyway.

the flowers reminded me of something.

belmont has a rose garden. for some reason i called it the "rose bush" but it's more than just a bush. there used to be a couple benches in the middle of it. every time i passed it, i would stop and smell one. because i can be cheesy. and because flowers are awesome. but i'd also stop and sit on the benches sometimes. and there was this one semester where i'd sit on those benches, and for one 15 minute period a day...my 10 or so closest friends would pass that rose bush, and join me. it is one of my favorite college memories. and it's the kind of memory that makes me nostalgic in a sad way. i miss them. i miss those times.

but i'm not sad. i'm just saying. those were some good times.

a happy thought:

we have a music and dance time at school. obviously. they need to shake their sillies out. this one girl was hopping around and her shoes were untied. i stopped her so i could tie them. she was kind enough to keep her feet still, but she couldn't contain herself. the rest of her body continued to bop and sway to the music. it was one of the cutest things i've ever seen. i couldn't help but laugh.

that's the best kind of laughter.

i'm going to go smell my flowers and stare at my awesome corner.

funk is the problem and the solution

teacher appreciation week continues.

today we got baskets full of girly things. like lotion that sparkles. i'm a girl, and i don't really get that. but there's some really good stuff in it too.

one of the moms is an organic nut. she gave us mints that were supposed to fill me with peace and "melt my stress away." (actual product description...)

imagine my surprise when all they left me with was a less than desirable aftertaste.

this was a hard day. details aren't important. i was so tense i was hoping that mint was actually going to do the trick.

not so long ago, i would have been destroyed by the tension. the stress would have taken over me. i don't know how to describe how much of a cloud i have been living under. things are getting bad at work again. it kind of goes back and forth. from "unbearable" to "at least i don't clean toilets for a living." it's so hard not to let it effect the rest of my life, but i'm doing so much better. my sense of humor is back, my love of music, the desire to sit and read...it's all coming back.

blah blah.

ben sollee anyone??

there's something about him singing with a cello that drives me crazy in a good way. i wish the guy with the guitar would go away.



the sound on this is not great, but still...it puts me in a trance. a music trance. you have to watch this. don't even bother trying to talk to me while i watch this.

side note: it would make my day if ben sollee came to lull the children to sleep at nap time. oh my gosh. if it was healthy or productive to make a list of things-that-will-never-happen-but-i-wish-they-would, that would so be number one.

just another day at dunder mifflin, i mean preschool.

it's teacher appreciation week.

today's prize:

my boss came into my classroom around 10 and said "today is teacher spa day!" and sent me up to the front of the school with a few other teachers.

to the wide open room where everyone entering and exiting the school could see what we were doing.

what we were doing:

we entered this room where some chairs were set up, and the lights were out. there was a table full of "spa products." and there was someone there to give us our "spa treatments."

and she was wearing a shirt that said "got stress?"

pause, and read that all again. get the proper visual.

we sat down in these chairs and she put some warm thing around our necks to help us relax, and then put these cold things on our eyes to help us...not see? and turned on some "soothing" music that i am not even able to describe.

at this point, i was feeling mostly ok. i don't consider anything done with my coworkers to be "relaxing" but...sitting in a dark room, with some quietness, and no screaming children...yeah. ok. i can do that. this is cool.

and then, without warning, this woman silently wheels up to my chair and grabs my hands and starts massaging them. it was startling. some people might like that, but when you remember i'm in the middle of a school, at my job, it's...slightly more awkward.

when the massaging is over, we take the eye things off and she begins to do the spa treatments.

i mean sales pitches.

that's right. she came not to appreciate our three star efforts in teaching, but to get us to buy her products.

i saw her list of featured products and there was a "foot massage" product on the list.

if you know me well, you know...no way is that happening. nobody touches my feet. you aren't Jesus, and this isn't the Last Supper.

luckily, there wasn't time.

so 20 or so minutes later i went back to my class. and i thought...that was weird, but also kind of awesome. i just got a random break in the middle of the day. that was a nice thing for my boss to set up.

it was also nice because i had a killer-headache-soon-to-be-migraine going on, and screaming kids don't help with that. but dark rooms do.

so lunch time rolls around, and it's an actual migraine. i'm not being dramatic. we were trying to put the kids down for a nap, and i couldn't even do that. i was laying on the floor with them, because if i sat up i felt like i was going to throw up or pass out. it was past the time i normally get my break, so i called my boss and asked if i could be the next one in line for a break, because i felt really bad and needed to get some medicine. and she says:

"the spa day was your break. i forgot to tell you. if you needed to do anything else, you were supposed to do it then."

thanks, michael scott. for a moment there, you seemed awesome.

and i said "well...i'm really sorry...but no one told me that, and if i don't get some medicine i'm going to throw up."

she let me go to the store really fast, and i popped some excedrin migraine.

excedrin is magical.

an hour later, i felt like i never even had one. usually it only takes half an hour, but i was at work so it took longer.

magical.

unrelated:

when i got off work, i called my amazing grandparents. because my grandpa blacked out in walgreens the other day and i wanted to check on him.

three quotes today.

my grandma was telling me that she stayed in the hospital with him all night, even though the chairs were uncomfortable. and i said i bet he was really glad she was there. and she said:

"well we've been married almost 69 years, and you know what, we still hold hands."

they are everyone's dream marraige. no doubt about it.

then she asked me if i wanted any money, and i said "well you can send me some if you want, but you don't have to." and she said "honey, these are the best years of your life! i'm going to send you a little pocket change."

and in closing:

when we were about to hang up the phone, there was this short dialogue between the two of them that i know i'll remember forever. she told me to hold on, and yelled to my grandpa across the house "what do you want to tell allison??" and i could hear him yell "tell her i love her!"

i dreamed about corn last night.

today i did something i've never really done before.

and doing things i've never done is my favorite thing to do. (anyone want to go skydiving?)

i went running.

sort of.

someone showed me this awesome website that teaches people how to run. i've attempted it before, but gave up and decided i'm not "one of those people" who can run. so i didn't. but now i'm trying again. and i'm kind of excited about it.

i even did it in the rain.

oh fyodor.

tonight at church my pastor managed to quote God, j.r.r. tolkien, fyodor dostoyevsky, and kanye west. all in one sermon.

could there be any local church more perfect for me?

i vote no.

i laughed to myself about how great it was that he was quoting those people, and he also slipped in one of my favorites quotes from him. it's about optimism and pessimism. he occasionally reminds us that neither of those perspectives is the Gospel. the Gospel doesn't tell us to see despair in every situation (pessimism), but Christians often think they're supposed to be optimistic and find a silver lining in every situation. and it's frustrating to me, because sometimes there is no silver lining. so it's nice to be given the freedom to say "my work environment is toxic, and there's nothing good about it. but God is in control, and i'm comfortable resting there, but not in a silver lining."

and there's this one line in a hymn that i repeat to myself over and over and over and over again while i'm at work, and we sang that song tonight.

"from life's first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny."

here comes monday.