i'mthechief

Here I go again.

2012-01-12T21:33:00.000-08:00

Uh, I have a new blog address.

Saying Things Outloud

I know. I'm sorry. I've done this like...3,872 times before. The new one is wordpress. It's kind of a logistical thing. I don't want to explain it because it's crazy-sounding.

Plus, I like the look better than blogger/blogspot.

Although I haven't yet figured out how to fill out the "About Me" section, but I don't have anything to put there anyway. Maybe I'll just leave it that way...it's kind of funny.

So, there you go.

Let it not be said that no one objected.

2012-01-09T19:53:00.001-08:00

Haze.

2012-01-04T16:45:00.000-08:00

Last night was the Iowa Caucus, the first caucus or primary of this election season.

The top three finishers were Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, and Ron Paul.

I learned today that John McCain endorsed Mitt Romney.

It must feel really good to have the support of the man who lost to Obama last time.

I wonder, though, which Mitt Romney he endorsed?

I also learned that the top 3 finishers were awarded the same number of delegates, which puts them on somewhat equal footing.

What...is that not what you heard from the media today?

Heritage.

2012-01-01T13:52:00.000-08:00

I got a new year call from my Grandma today. I always struggle to stifle my laughter when she calls. I’ll start with the best quote of the conversation:

Grandma: How is your knee doing? (The last time she saw me was one month after I hurt it, a year and a half ago)
Me: All better!
Grandma: See, I can remember things. My memory is just fine.
Me: It really is. Don’t let anyone tell you your memory is failing.
Grandma: I’m glad you don’t think I’m senile.
Me: I don’t. I’m on your side.
Grandma: I try not to act senile. I want to keep people guessing about my age.

Other highlights…

She used the phrase “…and that’s the story of my life” a total of four times.

And the phrase “I’m the oldest kid on the block”, twice.

We reminisced about old times. They took us to the Golden Corral on every visit. She remembered that and said, “That is such a hilarious place to go.”

Yes, Grandma. Hilarious.

She also remembered that me and my sisters used to write plays. I believe in one of them I played the role of President George Bush (senior) on a fishing trip.

She only asked me twice if I have a boyfriend. I told her whenever I do she will be the first person I call. She said, “Now I have something to look forward to.”

She told me she worries about me living by myself, but she knows I probably enjoy being my own boss. She has figured me out! The only person in the family to understand me is a 93 year old. But remember, she’s not senile.

Not you.

2012-01-01T12:32:00.000-08:00

The media doesn't play you like that, do they?

Various Matters

2011-12-31T10:41:00.000-08:00

- I am making an effort to use proper punctuation now. Which means that when I refer to satan, the lower-case "S" is more significant. The middle finger of grammar. It's really too bad I don't refer to satan more often.

- My feelings about New Year's Resolutions:

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.”

I know. I just did the most pretentious thing a Christian can ever do. Turned a perfectly harmless practice into a spiritual issue.

- Today I purchased a "Mom's Plan-it 2012 Calendar." It has a place for your grocery list every week, and a place to plan your weekly menu. Which is something I already do on random pieces of paper. The planners named "The 27 Almost 28 Year Old Single Woman 2012 Calender For People With Nothing To Do" weren't as practical. I will say, though, that I have no use for the page of sticker reminders for "Open House" and "School Picture Day". The next page of sticker reminders for "Haircut" and "Lunch Date" appointments I might be able to use.

- So, here's a list of my goals for this year:

Just kidding.

- My favorite political blogger sometimes titles his post "Various Matters" and I really want to steal as many of his techniques as possible, but his other titles rarely work for my subject matter. While we're talking about him, you should definitely read this post he wrote. I have been wanting him to comment more extensively on the election season charade. It's brilliant. As usual.

please.

2011-12-26T13:37:00.000-08:00

in line to go through airport security:

TSA agent: *holds up drivers license. looks at me.*
me: *smile*
TSA agent: *clearly didn't like that* that could be you.
me: ...
TSA agent: what is your name?
internal response: you're so good at your job. if i had a fake ID right now, you would have figured it out. there's no way i would have memorized the name on a fake ID. you're very smart and strong. superior to me in every way. i cower before you.
actual response: allison.
TSA agent: *nods and hands ID back to the person who smiled when she should have been Very Serious*

day one.

2011-12-24T21:12:00.000-08:00

sister: i hate this song. it's so inaccurate. it's called "2,000 decembers ago." Jesus was not born in december.
dad: yeah! is this even december?
sister: dad... * rolls eyes *
dad: no, seriously. who says this is december?
allison: i love a good conspiracy theory. keep talking.
dad: it's not a conspiracy theory. is this even saturday? who says this is saturday?

Ron Paul Newsletters

2011-12-21T21:59:00.000-08:00

Republican primary season is upon us. I consider it more important than the main election. Your vote doesn't really count then. But now you can choose a Republican candidate, if you're not planning on voting for President Obama.

I've learned a lot since the last Presidential election. I study a lot. i'mthechief officially endorses Ron Paul for President! Like that means anything. But he has my vote, and if you're not convinced by what you've heard and read...let me try. The Tennessee primary is on March 6. If you live here with me, let's meet and talk. If you don't live here, give me a call. Or a gmail chat. If you don't want to do that, I beg of you to make your decisions based on what HE says...and not what other people say about him.

One of the top reasons I support him is because of his foreign policy. And guess what, of all the money donated to the Republican candidates by our troops...70% of that money went to Ron Paul. Something to consider.

And because I'm doing what I can, I'm going to throw out a few key phrases for google searches...

Ron Paul Newsletters

Ron Paul is racist (He's not, don't believe it!)

Ron Paul is crazy

Now, if you came here because of those phrases, read this:

lend an ear.

speak better words to me.

2011-12-12T20:21:00.000-08:00

amazing how...
i don't have to lift myself out of discouragement.
You are never discouraged.

i don't have to be strong. there's no use for my strength.

i grow weary trying to figure my own feelings out. i can't think about them anymore. and i don't have to. i am told to Rest. that is right where You want me. collapsed.

on You.

worn out.
unable to help myself.
just lying here incapable of change.

i've been told i'm not like the others.
like oil and water.
they don't mix.
i've been told a lot of things.

speak better words to me.

that's what i want to hear. but don't tell me what i want to hear. tell me what You have to say. i don't want to hear anything vile. i don't want to be accused. Your words are better.

speak better words.

babies cry.

2011-12-04T19:09:00.001-08:00

i think i have mentioned before that i don't like Christmas things.

i don't want to hear songs about snowmen or creepy men inviting you into their house for a drink. (baby, it's cold outside...the man poisoned a woman's drink and held her against her will. it's so clear.)

i like most of the songs that are traditionally sung in churches, but that's just because they're not "Christmas" songs to me. they're songs about Jesus.

some of them give me the same uncomfortable feeling as "jingle bells" and "santa, baby", though. (how does anyone get through this song without experiencing extreme levels of discomfort? santa is at least 70 years old. go back to bed.)

take "silent night."

you're really going to tell me that there weren't any sheep bleating, or donkeys snorting? and the new baby wasn't screaming His head off? nobody stepped in any animal feces?

all is calm, all is bright.

right. that would be a Christmas miracle.

the "poetic license" thing bugs me a bit.

all that to say...i don't think writing holiday cards is in my future.

but tonight at my church we sang "hark! the herald angels sing."

during the last verse, i was really struck by the lyrics pointing to the fact that Christ was born, so that _____. it points to different reasons why Christ was born. born that man no more may die. born to raise the sons of earth. born to give them second birth.

born not just to bridge a gap between humanity and God. born not just to rescue people from hell.

born to give me hope.

born so i won't be afraid.

born to be my companion.

born to whisper Truth to me when the enemy whispers lies.

born so i don't have to absorb the flaming arrows from the enemy...born to shield me from them.

what would i do if He had never been born?

despair.

born to save me from despair.

i have been saved from so much.

emphasis added.

2011-12-04T10:32:00.000-08:00

"Words I Never Said" - Lupe Fiasco
(feat. Skylar Grey)

It’s so loud Inside my head
With words that I should have said!
As I drown in my regrets
I can’t take back the words I never said
I can’t take back the words I never said

I really think the war on terror is a bunch of
Just a poor excuse for you to use up all your bullets
How much money does it take to really make a full clip
9/11 building 7 did they really pull it
And a bunch of other cover ups
Your childs future was the first to go with budget cuts
If you think that hurts then, wait here comes the uppercut
The school was garbage in the first place, that's on the up and up
Keep you at the bottom but tease you with the uppercrust
You get it then they move it so you never keeping up enough
If you turn on TV all you see’s a bunch of “what the ”
Dude is dating so and so blabbering bout such and such
And that ain't Jersey Shore, homie that's the news
And these the same people that supposed to be telling us the truth
Limbaugh is a racist, Glenn Beck is a racist
Gaza strip was getting bombed, Obama didn’t say
That's why I ain't vote for him, next one either
I’m a part of the problem, my problem is I’m peaceful
And I believe in the people.

Now you can say it ain't our fault if we never heard it
But if we know better than we probably deserve it
Jihad is not a holy war, wheres that in the worship?
Murdering is not Islam!
And you are not observant
And you are not a muslim
Israel don’t take my side cause look how far you’ve pushed them
Walk with me into the ghetto, this where all the went
Complain about the liquor store but what you drinking liquor for?
Complain about the gloom but when’d you pick a broom up?
Just listening to Pac ain't gone make it stop
A rebel in your thoughts, ain't gon make it halt
If you don’t become an actor you’ll never be a factor
Pills with million side effects
Take em when the pains felt
Wash them down with Diet soda!
Killin off your brain cells
Crooked banks around the World
Would gladly give a loan today
So if you ever miss a payment
They can take your home away!

I think that all the silence is worse than all the violence
Fear is such a weak emotion that's why I despise it
We scared of almost everything, afraid to even tell the truth
So scared of what you think of me, I’m scared of even telling you
Sometimes I’m like the only person I feel safe to tell it to
I’m locked inside a cell in me, I know that there’s a jail in you
Consider this your bailing out, so take a breath, inhale a few
My screams is finally getting free, my thoughts is finally yelling through

from the two books i am reading.

2011-12-02T21:13:00.000-08:00

"Most of us, I think, shy away from this kind of cultivation of acquaintances. We have our circle of friends, to whom we are devoted. Acquaintances we keep at arm's length...The purpose of making an acquaintance, for most of us, is to evaluate whether we want to turn that person into a friend; we don't feel we have the time or the energy to maintain meaningful contact with everyone. Horchow is quite different. The people he puts in his diary or on his computer are acquaintances - people he might run into only once a year or once every few years - and he doesn't shy away from the obligation that that connection requires. He has mastered what sociologists call the 'weak tie,' a friendly yet casual social connection. More than that, he's happy with the weak tie. After I met Horchow, I felt slightly frustrated. I wanted to know him better, but I wondered whether I would ever have the chance. I don't think he shared the same frustration with me. I think he's someone who sees value and pleasure in a casual meeting."

"'Like Romans!' she mocked. 'Behave like Romans! And what does a Roman ever get for being brave - and pretending it is fine - and noble - to give up everything - and make-believe it is glorious - glorious to suffer - and die - for Rome! For Rome! I hate Rome! Look what Rome has done to you - and all of us! Why can't we live in peace? The Roman Empire - Bah! What is the Roman Empire? A great swarm of slaves! I don't mean slaves like Tertia and Demetrius; I mean slaves like you and me - all our lives bowing and scraping and flattering; our legions looting and murdering - and for what? To make Rome the capital of the world, they say! But why should the whole world be ruled by a lunatic like old Tiberius and a drunken bully like Gaius? I hate Rome! I hate it all!'"

wow.

2011-12-01T20:50:00.001-08:00

i can't say anything nice about this.

"...the Constitutional requirement in Art. III, Sec. 3 that 'No Person shall be convicted of Treason unless on the Testimony of two Witnesses to the same overt Act, or on Confession in open Court.' To deny a citizen the right to a lawyer and go to court on the ground that they’ve 'betrayed their country' and thus deserve to be imprisoned without a trial (or, worse, to be assassinated without one) is as violent a betrayal of the U.S. Constitution as one can imagine, literally."

"I’m willing to believe that there is genuine White House opposition to having the military detain and imprison U.S. citizens on U.S. soil, and that’s commendable if true (though it’s a sign of just how extremist our government is that we’re grateful for that)."

my thoughts on tea.

2011-11-30T18:09:00.001-08:00

so hot that either:

1) it burns my mouth, which is not enjoyable. who likes that?
2) i have to wait for it to cool, thus delaying whatever enjoyment i am supposed to get from drinking it.

there's not enough flavoring for it to be delicious, but

just enough flavoring to make me think:

"there's something wrong with this water."

i see the resemblance.

2011-11-29T16:50:00.000-08:00

important.

the worst thing.

2011-11-25T08:30:00.000-08:00

...having a headache

not being able to get the pills out of the bottle because of the weird, giant, non-pill thing that will not get out of the way.

what is that thing? the bottle is sealed with foil and a cotton ball, do we really need the random thing in there too?

i hate that thing.

The Beauty of Self-Destruction

2011-11-19T07:52:00.000-08:00

Rick Perry:

Herman Cain:

Mitt Romney:

Newt Gingrich?

Dear Republicans,

Are you SURE you want one of those people that the media has declared to be a frontrunner? You’re the ones who declare frontrunners…not the media. Don’t let them tell you who you like the most. Do you really want one of them?

After all the flip flop videos, and bloopers, and confusion answering questions, and scandals, and questionable behavior...there is someone left standing.

You’re really sure you don’t want him?

outdoor concert.

2011-10-15T16:21:00.000-07:00

i forgot my camera, so...

sunlight shining through the trees.

someone selling sparkly necklaces.

a purple balloon, and a yellow balloon.

a dance crew up front.

a little boy building a house with sticks.

puppies fighting.

soccer players who stopped their game to listen to music and read. they brought a soccer ball and books to the park.

a spider who picked the wrong chair to start building a web on.

blue sky and leaves changing colors.

a lot of georgia bulldog fans who decided to tailgate at the park and take up all the parking. who told them that this was a good park for that? i want a name.

and ben sollee.

the only musician i clap for these days.

to read.

2011-09-20T18:57:00.000-07:00

trying to keep The Team of People Assigned to Monitoring My Internet Activity busy, that's all.

"Early in the 1950s, Saadat Hasan Manto, arguably Pakistan's greatest prose writer, defined, almost inadvertently, a type of 'Ugly American' that the Cold War would fix in popular imaginations across Asia: the representative of the world's greatest superpower who, though superficially friendly and generous, pursues America's national interest at the expense of all other concerns; an often blundering figure who never ceases, while leaving destruction and chaos in his wake, to claim the highest virtue for his deeds. American cultural cold warriors, then clustered at a U.S. Information Services (USIS) offices, had approached Manto with a lucrative commission - write a short story for publication in an Urdu journal they subsidized - after he publicly ridiculed Pakistani camp followers of Stalin. Spurned by non-aligned India, the United States was trying to persuade Pakistan's generals, along with artists and writers, into joining its anti-Soviet crusade. The famously mercurial Manto insisted on taking less money than was offered by the Americans and then submitted, in place of the promised short story, a caustic 'Letter to Uncle Sam,' mocking America's claims to moral superiority over the Soviet Union."

"Dear Uncle," Manto wrote in one of the letters, "My admiration and respect for you are going up at about the same rate as your progress towards a decision to grant military aid to Pakistan."

from an article by Pankaj Mishra, titled "Dear Uncle Sam...Why do India and Pakistan see America in such opposite ways?"

to-do list.

2011-09-19T20:11:00.001-07:00

- watch the last three republican debates.

- read the president's job speech.

- finish reading 1984.

- blog about how it IS 1984. try not to sound crazy, but then remember: "Perhaps a lunatic is simply a minority of one."

- finish this truly awful issue of a magazine, Foreign Policy. they tricked me by naming it after my favorite subject. they filled it with LIES.

- broaden my horizons.

- muster enough courage to kill the spider on the porch without my roommate noticing. she builds unhealthy relationships with them. but THEY build webs of destruction and try to kill you.

- watch a lot of gilmore girls. why?

lorelai: rory, stop studying before jess gets here. boys like 'em dumb, right jackson?
jackson: right. if you can navigate yourself around a tree, keep on walking!

lorelai: give me half of the danish, and some of your coffee.
rory: you can have the danish, but i'm keeping the coffee.
lorelai: what is a danish without coffee?
rory: the eternal question springs up again.
lorelai: sad danish. lonely danish. step-danish.

luke: there are no stupid questions.
lorelai: how does ink come out of pens??
luke: i take it back.

mr. gilmore: i'm still waiting for the inner workings of a frog's intestinal system to be of use to me in my work in the insurance industry.

what do you mean WHY?

- don't get the flu shot. or the flu. i'm probably at a higher risk now that i don't have children sneezing on me all the time. my immune system used to be k-i-l-l-e-r. i've weakened in my cubicle.

- embrace more technology. warily. the fact is i've had this desktop computer for 6 years. a laptop may be in order. but don't even talk to be about a mac or an ipad or this.

- be still, and know that He is God.

fleeting.

2011-08-25T17:31:00.001-07:00

today i told a coworker he is easy prey for a tyrannical government. 8 hours later, and i'm still laughing about that. the things that come out of my mouth these days.

he is, though.

on my drive to work today i thought too much about the un-merits of school zones.

remember that experiment that was done on college students several decades ago? "they" created a fake jail and assigned some students to be pretend inmates, and some people to be pretend wardens. by the end of the experiment, the power had gone to the fake warden's heads and they were literally abusing the fake prisoners. it is the nature of man to react in such a corrupt way to power.

so it is with school zone guards.

give them a stop sign and a vest, and they think they can make you go 5mph. i'm sorry, but the cone clearly states 15mph. there aren't any children in sight. there's not even a school in sight. calm it down.

how about we teach the children not to run around in the streets. look both ways before crossing. is that not a lesson we teach children anymore? nobody ever ran over ME with a car.

i wonder what it will be like to be china's slaves.

2011-08-18T18:05:00.000-07:00

another day in the life of America. observe.

our credit rating was downgraded by standard and poor's. because of our massive amount of debt. among other political problems.

so the most rational response:

accuse the people who downgraded our credit rating…of insider trading.

that’ll fix everything.

no one will think we’re arrogant bullies who can’t face their problems and be held accountable for our crumbling economic system. nooooo. everything’s fine. nothing to see here, folks. america is above reproach.

i hope my debt is paid off by the time america falls flat on its face, so it can’t take me down with it.

be warned.

2011-08-14T09:42:00.001-07:00

sometimes i feel like i'm the only person who is aware that there are, wait for it...

other people in the world.

i'm the only one to stop dead in my tracks at the grocery store (or jump out of the way, swerve dangerously, etc) because of people barreling forward without a clue that they're about to run into someone. or they just expect everyone else to move?

and on the road it's even worse. people need into my lane, but expect me to adjust MY speed, so i slam on the brakes to make room for them.

or turn left in front of me on a road i'm already driving on. if i have to slow down for you to turn left, there wasn't enough time for you to turn left...and you should have waited. but you can't see me. i'm invisible. there are no other people in the world.

well i've made a decision.

when i'm old and i have lived a long, happy life...

i'm not getting out of the way.

you can crash into me at the grocery store. your eggs will fall the ground and break. your baby will cry.

and on my way home, i'm not getting out of your way on the road either. we'll collide. and i'll die. and you'll learn your lesson, because...

you just killed an old lady.

draught.

2011-08-05T17:27:00.001-07:00

y'all seriously need to jump on the glenn greenwald bandwagon with me:

"There are reports this morning that a NATO airstrike killed (another) one of Gadaffi's sons in Libya, so we'll be able to have some collective celebration to keep our minds off little things like the collapsing economy. It is telling indeed how virtually all political good news -- all national celebrations -- now involve America's ability to kill the latest Bad Guy. One benefit of Endless War is that it distracts the citizens' attention away from what is being done to them at home and makes them cheer for the leaders who are doing it to them."

yes, please.

2011-07-16T07:30:00.000-07:00

i went to a "music listening" party last night. everyone brings a song to share. this is the song i brought. it will seem like i picked it because it's political, but that is false. i like it for other reasons.

If you're going to lead my country,
If you're gonna say it's free
I'm gonna need
a little honesty

Just a few honest words
It shouldn't be that hard
Just a few honest words
Is all I need

I don't need no handshake
No firm look in the eye
Don't tell me what you think I,
I ought to hear

I don't need no high life
No fancy premiers
Just tell me what you really think
Without fear

Just a few honest words
It shouldn't be that hard
Just a few honest words
Is all I need

Love is a bitter food
You've learned to eat
You still don't know
Where it grows

And our love of freedom
Holds a veil over our eyes
Rights that are given
Can be taken away

Just a few honest words
It shouldn't be that hard
Just a few honest words
Is all I need

We don't choose our leaders
They choose themselves
Tell me again
About democracy

tweet.

2011-06-13T18:55:00.001-07:00

the second republican debate was tonight. apparently i wasn't in the right kind of mood for it. instead of taking notes like last time, i found myself scribbling nonsense.

if i had twitter...this is what it would have said for the past couple of hours.
-------------------
pawlenty can dish it but he can’t take it.

don’t talk to ME about the constitution.

bachmann says crazy things. not “ron paul” crazy. just crazy.

shameless cnn plug. SHAMELESS. you should be ashamed.

ron paul is in his own little world. his talking points are from another planet. it’s called REALITY. if we make it through the night without him using the word “obamacare” i’m going to cry tears of joy.

i don’t see jobs as the most important issue in our country. lack of jobs is a symptom of other problems.

santorum just referred to “innovation” as something this country should build on. which is what obama said during the state of the union. MINUS TEN POINTS.

pawlenty said something i agree with. we tell the government what to do, not the other way around. preach. someone tell the government to stop reading my blog.

I’M WITH COCO. how hard is that to say, santorum?

my organic lowfat yogurt strawberry probiotic smoothie from trader joe’s didn’t come with instructions. am i supposed to shake this thing or not?

i just went to look something up on wikipedia and accidentally typed “wikileaks.” heh.

didn’t godfather’s pizza go bankrupt? well, it’s not around. sketch.

i do not personally support the space program at this moment in history. that seems like an insane way to spend money when you don’t…have any.

someone needs to ask a question about the unjust wars we’re waging all over the world. if i was in the crowd, i’d be a heckler.

why doesn’t anyone ever poll me?

social security. here we go. i want my money. give me my money.

bachmann – just compared obama and bush. well now i might pay attention to what she has to say.

separation of church and state?? i didn’t realize this debate was taking place in LEFT FIELD.

cain won’t appoint a muslim. i won’t vote for cain. decision made. this is where republican candidates lose me and other swing voters. be rational, or you’ll lose the election. you lose a lot of people…right here. if you want to win the election…stop talking about muslims like this. you will lose if you don’t stop.

the candidate who says being pro-life includes views of war may get my vote…something about a consistent view of pro-life…anyone…bueller…anyone…

immigrant lady seems to not be a fan of immigration. she’s certainly assimilated well into america.

“…i wouldn’t start a war in libya, i’d stop bombing yemen…” somebody get me a ballot.

“do you agree with congressman paul that we should stop bombing yemen, with targeted attacks on al qaeda operatives, or do you agree with president obama, a democrat, who authorized the attacks?” – my favorite question of all time.

things you should not do during a debate: paraphrase your grandmother.

can i vote for the guy in the audience asking why we have military bases all over the world? who’s that guy?

ron paul 2012.

there we went, here we go again.

2011-06-12T19:40:00.000-07:00

i went to a library booksale a couple months ago. i went with a friend. she picked up a book that sounded fascinating, and i told her she should definitely get it. she eventually put it back on the shelf, and i said "well, if you don't want it...i'm taking it." i wasn't going to fight her for it, but i wanted it.

books are not better than friends. books are not better than friends. books are not better than friends.

anyway, the book was:

Inside Out: A Memoir of the Blacklist - Walter Bernstein

this guy fought with the united states military in world war two, and then came home...to be blacklisted as a communist sympathizer. he was a writer who couldn't find work because of all the hysteria surrounding hunting down communists.

i'm not going to go into the hysteria. i'm assuming that most people know about it. if not, there are plenty of books to read on the subject.

instead, i'm just going to put up some quotes from the book, and remind you that history repeats itself. there is nothing new under the sun. while it's tempting to look back on shameful periods of history and condemn them, it's a better idea to look at current events and wonder...

do past events illuminate current events? are there any similarities? have we given in to the same fear and hysteria? have we let the government and media fool us? do we just hear what they say and believe it without thoughtful criticism? do we find ourselves justifying things that are wrong?

has one enemy merely been replaced with another?

"He worried about the direction in which Truman was taking the country, instituting loyalty oaths for civil servants, creating a subversive activities board, proclaiming the Truman Doctrine to save the world from communism. Wallace believed the doctrine was a shame and would be used to curtail civil liberties."

"Being radical was considered a not totally unreasonable response to a system gone murderously out of control."

"It was my first example of what horror can be perpetrated in the name of security and how easy then to apologize for it."

"...history occurs twice, first as tragedy and then as farce..."

"We had the nature of the war on our side, an antifascist war, a just war. Everyone believed in it. We had been treacherously attacked; now we were fighting not only to survive but to defeat the forces of unambiguous evil. In this we had brave and gallant allies, not least among them the Soviet Union. No matter the different system; that was an internal affair. The enemy of our enemy was our friend."

"Truman proclaimed his doctrine: The United States would defend 'free peoples' anywhere in the world."

"They looked familiar, some even wore their old uniforms, but which ones had burned the cross? What had it taken to get them to beat up women and children, a few drinks fueling the menace of the Reds? They had fought and won a war against hatred and bigotry - to become this? I watched them parade, trying to match these hate-filled faces with those I had known."

"As always happens, what drew the headlines were the accusations, not the denials, and they had their desired effect, which was to create a climate of fear and suspicion."

"He announced that after investigation by the Westchester County district attorney, it was clear that 'Communist groups obviously did provoke this incident.' No further statement had to be made; notice had been served. The promise was in the sanctioned attack and the implied justification: Communist groups were to blame and Communist groups were whoever we said they were. They were the people we were against. In the case of Peekskill they were organizations openly supported by the Communists, but in other cases they could be just about anyone, which made them difficult to trap. They were slippery and sly; they used Aesopian language to conceal their real intentions; they were expert in deceit. And so we had our own experts to tell us who they were, and informers to back up the experts, and it did not matter if the informers had to be paid to inform or were caught lying or otherwise discredited; what mattered in this new climate were the accusations."

"There were rumors of government concentration camps already being set up for radicals when the time came. It had been done for Japanese Americans in World War Two. Detention camps were now sanctioned under the National Security Act. The U.S. Department of Justice had what it called a 'Security Index File of individuals to be apprehended and detained in connection with the Detention of Communists Program.'"

"The air turned smelly and poisonous. Both the Senate and the House of Representatives now had committees in full cry, hunting down Reds, pinkos and other affronts to the social order. A pliant press decried their methods but supported their aims, and rarely questioned their right to prosecute for political association."

"The Korean War was not discussable in any rational way. Probably no war is when it is going on. Either you accepted this one as unprovoked aggression or you were soon a pariah."

"The studios embraced anticommunism with the same calculated fervor they had recently reserved for Stalin. Hot or cold, a war was a war. There were good guys and bad guys. All the studios needed was to be told who was who. The government told them that."

"I plastered them over with belief in the rightness of the cause and the reassuring knowledge that at least I knew my enemy. He was right there in my face. The United States had started the cold war, needed it for imperial purpose, needed the terror of a blacklist to make that war seem necessary. Political persecution was becoming an acceptable norm. The law was being twisted in the name of anticommunism; government informers perjured themselves without fear of consequence."

"It had constantly to be enlarged in order to keep the threat real. There could be no such thing as a finite Red menace; evil cannot be seen as having boundaries. The impulse was religious even if the need was secular. The blacklist was the result of a politics grounded in fear and an economy dependent on military buildup. Based as it was on terror, falsehood and profit, it needed constant justification. Otherwise, there was the risk that like the physical universe, it might someday reach the limits of its expansion and collapse upon itself."

campaign for liberty.

2011-05-05T20:34:00.001-07:00

hello, election season.

the last presidential election is what sparked my interest in politics and government. i found myself torn between who to vote for and did not decide until the night before. the night after obama won i went to a ben sollee concert. that’s not relevant. i’m just saying it happened.

i have learned so many things. and i’m still learning so many things. but this election season is different for me. i understand what’s going on. I watched the first republican debate tonight and was engaged for the entire hour and a half that it aired. and i was taking notes.

four pages of them.

yes. what you are dreading is true. i’m going to write about it.

**disclaimer: i am not loyal to any political party. (another topic for another time...) which means i have critical things to say about both. so a rejection of a candidate i listened to in the debate is not a rejection of the republican party or republicans...just that candidate.**

there were five candidates. two of them i am going to ignore here. except to say this:

herman cain. he’s the former CEO of godfather’s pizza. and that’s it. he never really said anything. he’s never held office. which is fine. but he doesn’t stand a chance so i’m not even going to go there.

gary johnson. former governor of new mexico. he was actually my second favorite. he had a few good things to say…such as being opposed to the war in iraq, and he’s a fan of the free market. he stated things very simply which i appreciated. but he’s pro-choice, which means he doesn’t stand a chance either. (single-issue voting republicans…another post for another time…)

so we have arrived at my least favorite. rick santorum. he has served in the house and senate.

he’s not cool.

when asked about statements he has made before about muslims, he went to a bad place. he reiterated that he is not anti-islam, but we have to deal with the fact that there’s an “ideological battle” going on.

sigh. i just checked to see if he helped write the 9/11 commission report. we’ve been here before. i recognize that tree.

a huge part of the problem is america’s foreign policy. his focus on islam as the problem will not lead to a solution.

he also briefly mentioned his support of use of torture to obtain information about terrorists/terrorist plots. because it led to the capture of bin laden.

“The fact that one can point to an instance where torture produced the desired answer proves nothing about whether there were more effective ways of obtaining it.” – Glenn Greenwald

torture, y’all. torture of a human being. don’t even try justifying it to me. there was One who was tortured for the good of mankind. no one else needs to be.

he said predictable republican things about healthcare.

i could go on about this guy for a long time. i didn’t like how he tried to connect the idea of “liberty” (what america was founded on) to moral issues…that’s not a clear connection. his thoughts on pakistan were bush-esque. he actually quoted bush. he’s the poster child for a republican candidate. everything stereotypical you could think about a republican…let’s just pretend that’s what he said. because he probably did. actually in his closing remarks he said he is conservative on every issue and has “arrows in his back from the mainstream media to prove it.” boo freaking hoo. what is the deal with republicans always whining about the media not loving them? the mainstream media isn’t even a reliable source of news, so why do you WANT them to be on your side?

my next least favorite was tim pawlenty. former governor of minnesota.

he is also a fan of torture because the “first order of business” for the government is to “protect the country.”

false.

safety is - not – the first order of business for the government.

don’t make me quote the federalist papers.

the first order of business is to ensure our freedom and liberty, not our safety. don’t let the government make you so afraid of terrorists that you yield to what is wrong and morally reprehensible.

being willing to torture someone because it will supposedly help protect us is incredibly twisted logic. preventing one evil with a different kind of evil doesn’t make any sense.

oh no, oh NO. this is the part about libya. oh. no.

he said the president has said that we oppose gaddafi, so we should back up those words by sending special forces to libya.

it gets worse.

he said the president wasn’t decisive enough when problems broke out in libya, and that if he had been more decisive, things would have been taken care of already.

i don’t know about you, but i remember being a bit SHOCKED to hear that we were in libya, and felt the president was a bit TOO HASTY in involving america.

decisiveness was not the problem.

it gets even worse.

he said the president should not have waited (WAITED?? did he wait? did he?) for the arab league to give him permission….

because, why, america can do whatever it wants?

he said our hands have been tied by the u.n. and he called the u.n. pathetic.

not touching that.

and that “if the president says he has to go, he must go.”

because if the president of the united states says something…the whole world has to obey?

i really can’t say anything else about him. i forgot who was my least favorite now. him or the other guy.

and it’s late now. and this is too long already. my favorite republican candidate gets a post of his own on another night.

ron paul…

says exactly what he thinks. even though it sounds crazy. just give him a minute to explain! i'm getting a head of myself.

post-concert.

2011-04-21T06:40:00.000-07:00

i got to the show 40 minutes early because i left straight from work and didn’t have time to drive to my apartment and the doors weren’t open yet but there were two old ladies waiting with me and we talked about how excited we were and they finally let us in and this young guy next to me wanted to get a coke from the bar but they wouldn’t let him without an ID which i thought was funny and then 30 minutes later the show finally started and there was someone standing directly in front of me and i’ve been waiting 2 years and 5 months to see ben sollee so i picked up my chair and sat down in front of the person who had been standing directly in front of me and ben sollee smiled and played songs i can’t describe and songs i’ve never heard and there’s one called “hurting” that i really want to buy as soon as it releases and later the other artist casey driesson came out and he had a tail which is hard to explain but when the two of them played songs together another guy next to me started cussing it was so unbelievable i guess sometimes there just aren’t words and casey’s bass player is female and she’s the first female bass player i’ve ever liked because she didn’t dress or act like a man she wore a shirt with flowers and smiled a lot and was better than any bass player i think i’ve ever heard except for tony terusa but she didn’t have anything to prove and she still proved it and casey driesson played billie jean on his fiddle without words i don’t know why but it worked and i got a video of a song they played together so now i have my very own ben sollee video and i can’t get the music out of my head which is just fine with me.

life abundant.

2011-04-09T20:16:00.000-07:00

i should start out by reminding you that the Bible says not to covet your neighbor's ox, donkey, wife, or DAY.

because i had an amazing one.

it began with waiting in line 40 minutes for a book sale. one of the library branches here sold all their books. at least it seemed that way to me. i got 8 books for $5.25. hello.

and i did this with a friend from college/old roommate that i haven't seen in a long time. and had lunch with her in an abandoned mexican restaurant. at least it seemed to be before we walked in.

and then, well...

i went to a cemetery. to...well, to read. under a tree. on a blanket. with a friend. for 4 hours. this tree:

sunshine. breeze. butterflies. which made me pose the question: do butterflies get tired? they're so active.

and then,

dinner at an amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing turkish restaurant. with more friends. a couple friends from church, and some international students that make me laugh. and here's a fact:

children in thailand, apparently, grow up learning how to sing "old macdonald had a farm." in english.

fact. that's a fact.

and now i have time to read more of one of my new books. and here are the titles:

hugo chavez: oil, politics, and the challenge to the U.S.

inside out: a memoir of the blacklist (about the crazy communist frenzy back in the day...a lot like the terrorist frenzy these days)

kennedy and nixon: the rivalry that shaped postwar america

the hobbit

wired

othello

the living (about vietnam)

and one more i'm not going to post the title of, because it's a gift for someone.

~ the end ~

america loses.

2011-04-08T19:39:00.001-07:00

time to announce the winner of the quote game!

4th place is...

sarah with 3 right answers.

3rd place is....

leah with 4 right answers.

2nd place is...

beth with five right answers.

and the winner is...

my friend from high school, emily! with EIGHT answers right! amazing. her husband is in the navy. just thought i'd add that. she has a cooking blog, and an etsy with really cute jewelry and other crafts.

so here are the quotes, matched with my margin notes. and a brief explanation, if necessary.

"Before concluding our narrative, we offer a reminder, and an explanation, of the one period in which the government as a whole seemed to be acting in concert to deal with terrorism - the last weeks of December 1999 preceding the millennium." - quote

Y2K. come on. aren't we all kind of embarrassed by the frenzy/fear/irrational behavior that was displayed during that time? and it's being used as an example of how the government did something well. so...

"what a great example of how rational our government is" - note.

"In chapter 4, we mentioned officials worriedly discussing, in 1998, reports that Bin Ladin's associates thought their leader was intent on carrying out a 'Hiroshima.'" - report

"what incredible irony" - note

the terrorist was modeling his behavior after the united states government. read that a few times. just...think about that.

"Vague goals match an amorphous picture of the enemy. Al Qaeda and its affiliates are popularly described as being all over the world, adaptable, resilient, needing little higher-level organization, and capable of anything. The American people are thus given the picture of an omnipotent, unslayable hydra of destruction." - report

"and who painted that picture?" - note

i have not the words.

"...the administration, and the CIA in particular, was in the midst of intense scrutiny and criticism in May 1999 because faulty intelligence had just led the United States to mistakenly bomb the Chinese embassy in Belgrade during the NATO war against Serbia." - report

"? wow." - note

is it really that shocking that people in the world want to attack us?

this next one is painful.

"American foreign policy is part of the message. America's policy choices have consequences. Right or wrong, it is simply a fact that American policy regarding the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and American actions in Iraq are dominant staples of popular commentary across the Arab and Muslim world. That does not mean U.S. choices have been wrong." - report

"oh, so close" - note

any war against any enemy will be LOST if the diagnosis of the problem is incorrect. i was following the train of thought until that last line. this country does not rule the world. we have to consider what other nations think of our actions. we can't do whatever we want.

oh wait, this one is pretty painful too:

"...Berger recalled that to go to war, a president needs to be able to say that his senior intelligence and law enforcement officers have concluded who is responsible." - report

"YES" - note

berger recalled. berger RECALLED???????? as an afterthought? a fleeting thought?

oh he recalled that, did he.

seems.

sort of.

essential.

moving on.

"In the nearly three years since 9/11, Americans have become better protected against terrorist attack. Some of the changes are due to government action, such as new precautions to protect aircraft. A portion can be attributed to the sheer scale of spending and effort. Publicity and the vigilance of ordinary Americans also make a difference. But the President and other officials acknowledge that although Americans may be safer, they are not safe." - report

"this makes me want to puke in someone's face." - note

once again, in order to keep support for the wars going, people have to be made to be afraid. as long as people are afraid...they'll submit to anything. any TSA regulations. any kind of discrimination of people. profiling. etc. this makes me want to puke in someone's face.

"Officers at the CIA had worried that giving him a green light might cross the line into violation of the assassination ban." - report

"ahh, i miss the days when we frowned on assassinations." - note

because, if you didn't know, there are some u.s. citizens targeted for assassinations. without a trial. does it strike anyone else as odd that we'd deny our own citizens basic rights, while deeming it our responsibility to spread democracy to every corner of the earth?

"Allegations that the United States abused prisoners in its custody make it harder to build the diplomatic, political, and military alliances the government will need." - report

"to put it mildly." - note

sweet, humanitarian, moral leader of the world, united states government...abuser of prisoners...

huh?

"The United States should rebuild the scholarship, exchange, and library programs that reach out to young people and offer them knowledge and hope. Where such assistance is provided, it should be identified as coming from the citizens of the United States." - report

"for crying out loud, is this a PR campaign or a genuine desire for change?" - note

the end.

this one's for you, mom.

2011-04-06T18:38:00.001-07:00

today i was on the phone, and i received an instant message type thing from a male coworker, asking me to take a look at something.

in response, i typed:

SEX.

it was supposed to be "SEC"

.........

thankfully, i noticed before i hit "enter" and changed it.

phew.

world's most awkward moment avoided.

this was not a freudian slip. C and X are located right next to each other on the keyboard. i had only one free hand.

that'll be it for today.

we're all losers in this scenario.

2011-04-04T21:13:00.000-07:00

i finished the 9/11 commission report. so now it's time to play a game. there will be an actual winner. with an actual prize.

i wrote a lot of things in the margins of this book. it started out with substantial criticism. toward the end of the book, i was so worn out and frustrated i started writing things like "UGH" instead of "this is a phrase used to justify new and creative ways of bending the constitution to the will of the executive."

so here's the game. can you match my vague margin note with the quote that inspired it? whoever wins gets to choose from this selection of prizes:

1) an edible american treat
2) a book on a political topic you'd like to learn more about but don't know where to start
3) a conversation with me about THIS book

if i was you, i'd pick number two. i tried to come up with a few options for different personality types. you have people that like to read. people that like to talk. and people that just like to win and want a treat. plus, i want to include those outside my baking radius.

let's play.

first, the margin notes:

1) ? wow.
2) ahh, i miss the days when we frowned on assassinations.
3) YES
4) what a great example of how rational our government is
5) and who painted that picture?
6) oh, so close
7) for crying out loud, is this a PR campaign or a genuine desire for change?
8) to put it mildly.
9) what incredible irony
10) this makes me want to puke in someone's face.

and the quotes to match them with...

A) "Before concluding our narrative, we offer a reminder, and an explanation, of the one period in which the government as a whole seemed to be acting in concert to deal with terrorism - the last weeks of December 1999 preceding the millennium."

B) "In chapter 4, we mentioned officials worriedly discussing, in 1998, reports that Bin Ladin's associates thought their leader was intent on carrying out a 'Hiroshima.'"

C) "Vague goals match an amorphous picture of the enemy. Al Qaeda and its affiliates are popularly described as being all over the world, adaptable, resilient, needing little higher-level organization, and capable of anything. The American people are thus given the picture of an omnipotent, unslayable hydra of destruction."

D) "...the administration, and the CIA in particular, was in the midst of intense scrutiny and criticism in May 1999 because faulty intelligence had just led the United States to mistakenly bomb the Chinese embassy in Belgrade during the NATO war against Serbia."

E) "American foreign policy is part of the message. America's policy choices have consequences. Right or wrong, it is simply a fact that American policy regarding the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and American actions in Iraq are dominant staples of popular commentary across the Arab and Muslim world. That does not mean U.S. choices have been wrong."

F) "...Berger recalled that to go to war, a president needs to be able to say that his senior intelligence and law enforcement officers have concluded who is responsible."

G) "In the nearly three years since 9/11, Americans have become better protected against terrorist attack. Some of the changes are due to government action, such as new precautions to protect aircraft. A portion can be attributed to the sheer scale of spending and effort. Publicity and the vigilance of ordinary Americans also make a difference. But the President and other officials acknowledge that although Americans may be safer, they are not safe."

H) "Officers at the CIA had worried that giving him a green light might cross the line into violation of the assassination ban."

I) "Allegations that the United States abused prisoners in its custody make it harder to build the diplomatic, political, and military alliances the government will need."

J) "The United States should rebuild the scholarship, exchange, and library programs that reach out to young people and offer them knowledge and hope. Where such assistance is provided, it should be identified as coming from the citizens of the United States."

isn't this so fun?

if people tie, whoever answered first wins.

this is what the decline of an empire looks like.

2011-03-27T08:59:00.000-07:00

i posted a version of this in december, but deleted it. some of you with google reader can still read it. because google reader defies the laws of the internet, and doesn’t delete anything.

i deleted it because i want my blog to be a circus of insanity. it’s how i relieve life’s tension. but now i realize that my silence on this issue…is my consent.

mostly because i read an article that said "silence is consent."

so here we go.

who remembers eric volz? an american living and working in nicaragua, falsely accused of murder. in jail for an extended period of time...i think over a year. i don't remember the exact details.

remember how outrageous it seemed? how unjust?

or maybe over the past couple of years you've read about how slavery is still alive around the world. child slaves. sex slaves. international justice mission works hard to free those slaves from the people and governments that oppress them.

those kinds of stories get us all riled up, don't they. those sorts of stories are so obviously wrong. those crazy corrupt governments out there...they're just out of control, aren't they.

unfortunately,

it's not just the governments "out there" that are corrupt. it's not just the people "over there" that turn a blind eye to justice.

i don't really know how to jump into this story. it's not my story to tell. i'm hoping you've read about it yourself. because it's important. but just in case your local news station failed to let you know...

our government...

the government of the united states of america...

the one that boasts of liberty, freedom, and justice for all...

is (among other unspeakable acts) currently detaining and torturing an army private for being a whistleblower. he let the world know that civilians (including children) were attacked and killed overseas. not as a result of a bomb, or an attack on an enemy army. but directly attacked and killed while walking down the street. the report about the incident, filed by our military, was not truthful. there is a video of the incident. that's what he leaked.

it was an important and brave thing to do. people vote in elections based on their feelings about the war. if the information we have about what is going on in that war is not accurate, or not even shared with us, then i'm going to go ahead and label that as a problem.

he has been in solitary confinement for months. it might be a year now. alone in his cell for 23 hours a day. this man is being tortured by a government for trying to do what was right. for trying to expose things that could foster debate and discussion, and change this society. bring it back to what we pretend to be.

he's being tortured and punished and he hasn't even been on trial yet, y'all.

hasn’t even been on trial. here we are, parading around the world in the name of securing democracy for everyone, and not even abiding by it ourselves.

i encourage you to read more about this. this is your government. your own freedoms are at stake even in issues that don't seem to effect you. here
is an article that speaks more about the physical and mental effects of what's going on with bradley manning. it explains why his treatment is torture.

and if you’re not sufficiently unsettled,

a friend of mine recently posted an article
on facebook about a soldier who intentionally murdered civilians in afghanistan. our moral, righteous, humanitarian government has decided he will be eligible for parole after 7 years.

so let’s recap.

murderer: will most likely be a free man in 7 years.

man who tried to expose this type of despicable behavior: being tortured by our government, without a trial.

are you sufficiently unsettled?

do something.

facts.

2011-03-19T20:13:00.000-07:00

it's nice to have a clean apartment. i have been living like an animal for too long. i actually had to turn town 2 fun things tonight, just because i needed to clean. i've been too busy having fun.

i'm not a fan of prescription medicine. which is ironic because my dad is a pharmacist.

luna bars are...delicious.

sunshine makes everything right.

no, that's Jesus.

emotions, confusion, using the past to make sense of the present. even though it's different this time. hm.

i found an online tuner for my guitar. i'm one step closer to becoming friends with it again.

libya...no. just NO, america. NO. case in point: IRAQ. you wanted it then, you were wrong. NOOOOOOOOO. listen to me. two letters. N. O. no. i read some things. i know some things....and, NO.

i don't like roast beef.

2011-03-17T19:03:00.000-07:00

so many things going on.

i am really enjoying learning my way around a corporate office. i love that my job requires me to use a legal pad. i like to take my break at 1:30, with the other book readers. it still thrills me to get up and use the bathroom whenever the need arises. i can just...go. no questions asked. and, yes, that means questions were asked about my bathroom activities at my last job. i would actually have to explain WHY i needed to go the bathroom NOW.

so demeaning!

i was just informed that my shift will have to be an hour later every day now. due to the fact that i make a lot of phone calls to the west coast. it kind of sucks. but then...not really. i don't even feel upset. this job is so great. who knows how long they'll keep me around. i'd love to be hired. it's so different working for people that are respectful and kind. i will work overtime. i will work late. they make it easy.

i think about how awful my last job was almost every week. the fact that i'm still thinking about it, 7 weeks later, goes to show how awful it really was. working late is a breeze compared to everything i put up with before. that place had serious problems. not just annoyances, or things i didn't like, or stress. serious. problems. i can't explain it. i'd rather work until 8 or 9 pm (and i only have to work until 6:30...) than EVER, EVER, EVER work a day in that place again. i feel like i've been rescued and delivered.

someone asked me if i liked my new work, and i started rambling about how i love it. it was a lot like this post, actually. and then the person said "oh, good, i was afraid you wouldn't like this one either."

i don't know how to explain...my decision to quit my job wasn't about not liking it. this wasn't about a preference, or wanting to do something different, or feeling bored with it, etc. i was in danger at that place. i had to pray for protection. thats what was going on.

verses i accidentally memorized at my last job from repeating them every day to myself...

Contend, O LORD, with those who contend with me
Fight against those who fight against me
Take up shield and buckler, arise and come to my aid
brandish spear and javelin against those who pursue me
say to my soul, "I am your salvation"

my whole being will exclaim
"Who is like You, O LORD? You rescue the poor from those too strong for them, the poor and needy from those who rob them."

and i DO exclaim it. can't exclaim it enough. what kind of job leads a person to pray that????

a very bad one.

other things going on:

still reading the 9/11 commission report. still shocked and appalled.

had to try some home remedies for some things. are you surprised to learn that a cranberry juice/baking soda combination did not heal me and i had to go see an actual doctor? i'll eat or drink anything to avoid going to the doctor. if someone told me to eat a toad and it would heal me, i'd do it. give me the toad.

thats something you don't hear...ever.

my sweet little sister is ENGAGED. i don't think she's taking any of my wedding planning suggestions seriously.

trying not to drink dr. pepper ever again in my life. i've decided to treat it like any other idol/addiction. gotta get rid of it. what a ridiculous addiction. i could have at least gone with heroine. at least people respect that.

things to chronicle.

2011-03-06T20:49:00.000-08:00

kalamata olive hummus is really, really tasty.

if you make your obsessions known, people will indulge them. i got a free bag of dried green mango tonight from a friend. for no reason!

started running again. i've been afraid of the dark, but i decided not to be anymore.

i almost threw the 9/11 commission report across the room when it stated the founders drafted an ambiguous constitution on purpose, because they wanted later generations to interpret it however they wanted.

its hard for me to write that. i just...

can't even talk about it.

at some point i'm going to do chapter summaries on my book blog, because it's so full of outrageosity, that some things need to be said. by me. to the world. i also recognize the duplicity of reading something like "the 9/11 commission report" and making up words like "outrageosity."

my sister is engaged.

so is one of my best high school friends.

twins are being born tomorrow.

that'll do for now.

is this normal?

2011-02-07T17:49:00.000-08:00

a break room.

a parking lot that i'm allowed to park in.

a 30 minute lunch break, every day, PLUS two fifteen minute breaks.

people who say "you can ask me any questions!" also, people who are nice.

a supply room with no construction paper, or googly eyes.

conversations that take place in quiet voices. quiet. voices. screaming is not allowed. not. allowed.

bathrooms that i can use whenever the need arises.

free drinks. for me. to drink. when i'm thirsty, oh so thirsty.

the ability to set a pen down on a table, and not have to worry about someone snatching it up and scribbling on the floors, walls, or other people's faces.

no mothers.

well, there might be mothers.

finish.

2011-01-28T20:17:00.001-08:00

well, today was my last day at work. i'm sure i should be pondering life's meaning and having deep thoughts or something. but i'm allison. i want to laugh it up.

so here is a top ten list. the top ten phrases i uttered/shouted over the last 3 years. i had to use my "teacher voice" for these. it strikes fear into the hearts of half of them, but the rest just cackle in defiance.

1. no, it's NOT yours.
2. keep your hands out of your pants!
3. feet stay on the floor. (used during climbing fiascos...they like to scale the classroom furniture)
4. shoes stay on your feet.
5. you have to wear clothes at school.
6. pushing. hurts. OUCH. (varations include: hitting hurts, biting hurts, running into people with cars hurts, scratching hurts, pulling hair hurts, hitting people with drumsticks hurts, etc.)
7. your tongue should stay in your mouth. (don't ask)
8. everyone back up, i need to clean that up. don't touch it! (use your imagination)
9. we do not eat out of the trash. (or: we do not eat off the floor). we only eat what is on our plates.
10. look where you're walking! (inevitably followed by someone plowing into the wall)

they're animals. animals. this is wildly inappropriate, and i've done it before, but:

similarities between small children and animals:
- they bite/attack each other
- they eat off the floor/out of the trash
- they lap up liquid off any surface. puddles. toilets. liquid of any kind, in any place.

and

similarities between small children and drunk people:
- they stumble around
- they speak incoherently
- they like to dance on tables
- they're either really happy, or really mad, or really sad

~ the end ~

blurbs.

2011-01-16T20:59:00.001-08:00

friday through sunday:

sweet international students.

indian food.

laughter.

wait for it.

house shopping. (not for me. got myself a basement).

hot chocolate.

conversation.

felt babies move inside a mommy.

wait for it.

laundry and cooking and cleaning.

sleep.

surprise visit from a friend.

church.

no tacos.

wait for it.

wait.

for.

it.

are you ready?

quit my job.

a-m-a-z-i-n-g.

2011-01-08T12:57:00.000-08:00

a friend sent me a card in the mail with these verses. the act of kindness brought me to tears (which is hard to do, friends). and it is an unspeakable comfort to know that a) people care about me, and b) God is sovereign.

Matthew 6:31-32
31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.

Matthew 7:11
If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

Luke 12:7
Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

2 Corinthians 9:8
And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.

Philippians 4:19
And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

2 Corinthians 4:8
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;

2 Timothy 1:7
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

thirty one.

2011-01-01T17:06:00.000-08:00

my goal for 2010 was to read more books than i read last year. last year i read 30, this year i read 31. so maybe i didn't smash my record, but that wasn't my goal. i would have been utterly humiliated to fail. here is the list.

i haven't looked at all the titles together until now. heavy reading, light reading, funny books, serious books, stupid books, books i'm ashamed to have read, books i'll never read again, books i have to read again...it's all there.

1. Twilight - Stephenie Meyer
2. New Moon - Stephenie Meyer
3. Eclipse - Stephenie Meyer
4. Breaking Dawn - Stephenie Meyer
5. Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
6. What Everyone Should Know About Economics and Prosperity - Gwartney and Strowp
7. The Art of War - Sun Tzu
8. Doctor Faustus - Christopher Marlowe
9. The Federalist Papers - Alexander Hamilton, James Madison, John Jay
10. Everything Is Illuminated - Jonathan Safran Foer
11. Kidnapped - Robert Louis Stevenson
12. The Princess Bride - William Goldman
13. Till We Have Faces - C. S. Lewis
14. The Canterbury Tales - Geoffrey Chaucer
15. Animal Farm - George Orwell
16. Slaughterhouse-Five - Kurt Vonnegut
17. When Helping Hurts - Corbett and Fikkert
18. Killing Yourself to Live - Chuck Klosterman
19. Eat, Pray, Love - Elizabeth Gilbert
20. The Phantom of the Opera - Gaston Leroux
21. The Year of Living Biblically - A.J. Jacobs
22. Player Piano - Kurt Vonnegut
23. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
24. The Road to Wigan Pier - George Orwell
25. The Private Memoirs and Confessions of a Justified Sinner - James Hogg
26. Out of the Silent Planet - C.S. Lewis
27. Perelandra - C.S. Lewis
28. That Hideous Strength - C.S. Lewis
29. The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho
30. God's Politics - Jim Wallis
31. Three Men In A Boat - Jerome K. Jerome

my favorites:

The Federalist Papers. i can't even talk about how i felt reading this. we have veered so far from what the founders of this country wanted and set in place.

i also enjoyed reading four books by my favorite author that i've never read before. c.s. lewis. i have a major crush on his mind. so reading books of his that i've never read is a delight.

and animal farm was probably my favorite this year. it was just astounding to read. it's unsettling to find comparisons to our own government from that book. it's sick. just SICK. i highly recommend it. it's only 150 something pages, and very short pages at that. but it blew my mind, in a bad way. i want to shake some sense into everyone i know, and the only way i can do that is to get you to read it. so please do.

bang.

2010-11-26T21:29:00.000-08:00

tonight i learned some things i'd rather not know.

a friend from high school knew i was in town and called me. said he was heading to hang out with one of his other old friends in town, to play games and such, and wanted to know if i'd like to come. we are good friends, and try to always see each other. but it's been awhile. so i thought...heck yes. i don't know these people, but i like meeting new people. and my friend knows interesting people.

seemed risk free.

we arrived and i met this guy, his wife, his grandfather, and his mother.

they're lovely people. they are.

but it's kind of uncomfortable to watch a grown man be spoon-fed by his wife.

his grandfather sat silently on the stairs and watched us while we sat at the table. silently. silently.

and i don't remember why, exactly, but we started talking about his beard. i think it's a new beard. well they were talking about it. i was just sitting there learning that a stranger uses conditioner on his new beard, and sometimes his wife darkens it with eye shadow.

things eventually moved to the living room. we were joined by a dog named peaches.

or, i should say, i was joined by a dog named peaches.

i love dogs, so i didn't mind her sitting in my lap. rolling around, begging for affection. trying to lick my face.

but later when she suddenly jumped onto the couch and started crawling around behind me, i was alarmed. yes. a little. it was then that her owner told me to be careful, because she sometimes becomes too friendly with people, if you know what i mean.

i know that's difficult to read.

but they assured me it would only be to assert dominance, not to mate.

they did have an interesting conversation about a recent trip to greece, though. i decided not to tell them about nashville's stunning parthenon replica.

somewhere in there his mother told us about the time her grandpa's mules caught on fire. not just one, but all of them. it was kind of a puzzling story. and it turned out they did not, actually, catch on fire. but from a distance it appeared that they were in flames.

i think that's it. no wait.

my friend's delightful (and i'm not being a bit sarcastic...TRULY delightful) girlfriend is in medical school. she told us she's unable to eat fritos anymore.

do you want to know why?

DO YOU?

it's because when she saws open people's heads, it smells...

like fritos.

my kin folk.

2010-10-20T17:03:00.000-07:00

i called my mom because its my parents 31st anniversary today. she told me the most adorable, charming story about my grandpa.

my grandpa, she says, has never been much of a dog person.

but this did not stop him from rescuing a dog who was being picked on by a pack of other dogs. the dog was so grateful, that it followed my grandpa home on his golf cart. and he decided to keep it.

this dog is some sort of lab, with a reddish coloring.

so my grandpa calls him "red."

now they travel the neighborhood together in grandpa's golf cart, when he's making the rounds.

i love my family.

he's only 56.

2010-10-19T17:40:00.000-07:00

my dad's pocket calls me a lot. (A is for Allison!). he has an iphone. don't ask me how that happens. this time he decided we should have an actual conversation.

dad: what are you up to? doing anything fun lately?
me: i'm going camping this weekend.
dad: didn't you already do that?
me: yeah. in july. we're going again.
dad: isn't that where you hurt your ankle?
me: my knee. yeah.
dad: well. i'm sure you'll be more careful.
me: you betcha.
dad: where are you going?
me: this place, about an hour south of here.
dad: what's it called?
me: old stone fort.
dad: huh?
me: old stone fort.
dad: old down fort?
me: old STONE fort.
dad: i don't understand. spell it.
me: s. t. o. n. e.
dad: old spoon fort?
me: STONE. S. T. O. N. E.
dad: old stone fort?
me: thats it!!
dad: that's a weird name.
me: you're right. it is.
dad: it's going to be cold.

the miscommunication was probably made worse by my uncontrolled laughter.

i work for michael scott.

2010-09-03T19:39:00.000-07:00

we had our fall teacher inservice training today.

the theme, which has absolutely nothing to do with the seminars, was "toy story." so we were required to dress up like toys. my school decided to dress like jessie, who i'm told is woody's girlfriend. a cowgirl. i brought a bandana. my boss handed me cow-print fabric in the shape of pockets to safety pin onto my jeans. i sat through 7hours of seminars in a costume, for reasons i have not been able to figure out. i saw someone dressed as a jack-in-the-box. lots of girls as different kinds of barbies. someone as a police officer. it was surreal. i was comforted by the fact that jim and pam probably would have been woody and jessie.

the first seminar was partly about how everyone, including children, have different personalities. it opened with a bag of jelly beans being passed around, and we each took one. i reached in, and grabbed an orange one. without looking. then we were told that the colors we chose most likely represented our personality type. false. i would have picked blue. then i had to hold an orange jelly bean for an hour.

one seminar was about ideas for neat toys to put in our centers. the speaker talked about maslow's hierarchy of needs, and how the foundation is security. if kids don't feel safe, they don't do anything. to illustrate this point, she said: "you're the same way. if the fire alarm went off right now, you would leave the building. if i was standing here naked, that wouldn't even keep you in here. you would want to be safe, so you would leave."

yep.

what else?

oh yeah, the interpretive dancing during the "music and movement" seminar.

shrug.

2010-09-02T18:55:00.000-07:00

this is going to be so nauseatingly emo. in a robotic kind of way, because that's how i do emotions.

i realized a couple things about myself this week. i'm only going to touch on one. in a vague, cryptic fashion. i wouldn't be allison if i was specific, now would i.

i do a lot of pretending. when i'm feeling sad, or upset, or angry...i pretend that i'm not. for various reasons. mostly because i would rather be happy than sad. i like to avoid pain. who doesn't.

sometimes i choose to be happy in a moment, and to ignore the negative emotions.

but what has happened over time is that i started to pretend with myself. to pretend that i was ok, when i wasn't.

i don't enjoy feeling bad. so i decided not to. i think through my feelings logically. if something makes me feel bad, i tell myself i'm being irrational, or feeling sorry for myself, and i go on with the day.

this can be very useful. so useful.

and so harmful.

it takes a lot of control to not react emotionally to certain situations, and to pretend like i feel great when i don't. years of practice, people. you have no idea how cool i can play it.

putting aside feelings until there's an appropriate time to deal with them is part of life. but i don't enjoy dealing with them, so i don't. i'll have my grown-up "don't cry, be a big girl, deal with this later" moment, but later never comes.

the problem is that i've started pretending even with God, the One who knows all. i assume that because certain thoughts are logical, they are pleasing to God.

feeling sad doesn't pay my bills or serve other people. how very logical.

so a bit of a breakthrough happened yesterday. i went for my first run since i fell down a waterfall and my knee exploded. i felt sad about something. i thought...do something productive. think through this logically, just like every time before. i started thinking through it, and told God that i just didn't want to face this publicly. i told Him i was dreading having to pretend about this in front of people, pretend that i'm fine with it. i've put this same brave face on so many times. i know how hard it is. i don't want to do it again. but i have to.

He said, in His way, i hope you know the way i mean...

"you don't have to pretend right now, though. you're alone right now. there's no one around but you and Me."

away from people. away from my house. away from my job. no need for a brave face.

i finished the test run, which went great, and said "i want to just sit here and not pretend for a little while longer. before i have to go back."

so we sat.

a taco place opened up across the street from my house. today i went there to get a couple tacos. while i was waiting, i heard "you don't have to pretend right now, either." so i stood there and felt sad.

i'm not enjoying the sadness. but i am enjoying the real-ness. the freedom to not pretend. Someone i don't have to pretend with. i think the runs will be good for that. i'm so glad they've been given back to me.

that thing?

2010-08-30T13:36:00.000-07:00

i'm just going to jump right into the serious and then make you feel good with some pictures of a baby.

i had a rough weekend in my mind. i was very aware of a few different sins in my life. problems i had created for myself because of them. i just couldn't escape the guilt. fear. anxiety. last night before bed i read the Bible. i opened to Psalms, and read every verse i've ever underlined in Psalms. (that is #1 on a list of reasons why i don't want a new Bible. mine is falling apart, sure, but a new Bible wouldn't have 13 years of underlined verses and notes.)

it's hard to read some of the lovelier verses in the Bible when i'm dealing with sin, because i think "sure. God is a refuge. BUT this is my SIN we're talking about. i'm not being attacked, i'm not a victim. i created this problem." but the Psalms go there.

from Psalm 25...

Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.
Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you are good, O LORD.
Good and upright is the LORD;
therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.

My eyes are ever on the LORD,
for only he will release my feet from the snare.
Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart have multiplied;
free me from my anguish.
Look upon my affliction and my distress
and take away all my sins.

the Word really does wash a person.

then today at work our CD player was broken, so at nap time i had to turn it on a radio station. and the quietest one was a country station. and now i just feel dirty all over again. i cannot stand country music. i'm sorry. i'm not saying those people aren't talented musicians. they absolutely are. they sing beautifully, and play beautifully.

but ugh. say hello to the worst song lyric i've ever heard in my life:

"I remember sayin' I don't care either way
Just as long as he or she is healthy I'm okay
Then the doctor pointed to the corner of the screen
And said, 'You see that thing right there, well you know what that means.'"

then there was the song about the man who held the hand of his wife of fifty years while her heart of gold stopped pumping. why do people find depressing music entertaining? i don't get it. i also don't like the movie "steel magnolias." life is hard enough without spending my free time feeling sad about something that's not real. no thanks.

so how about some baby pictures!!

i thought it would be super fun if i put up pictures of kailey AND my new niece makenna. not as a comparison, no i will not be comparing them. but watch.

the first moment i met kailey (december 2007, 2 weeks old)...

the first moment i met makenna (august 2010, 3 months old)

the first time i held kailey (december 2007)...

the first time i held makenna (august 2010)...

feeding kailey a bottle (may 2008, almost 6 months old)

feeding makenna a bottle (august 2010)

kailey's little feet (december 2007)

makenna's little feet (august 2010)

i love my nieces!!

rich.

2010-08-23T19:32:00.001-07:00

yesterday i got back from the big 70th anniversary celebration. those are my adorable grandparents. check out my grandma's tiarra. i think my aunt gave it to her for her 90th birthday a couple years ago, and she decided on her own to whip it out for this occasion.

how do i begin to describe the magic of this weekend?

where phrases like "fine, you can put pants on" and "speaking of quail..." were heard.

where i discovered i have a relative known as the "buzzin cousin."

i guess i'll just start with the story about how my grandparents used to get their farm animals drunk.

i was a little confused about this one. there is a method for preparing the feed for the animals that involves rye, and it eventually ferments. i don't know if it's supposed to do that, but on this occasion, it did. they fed it to the pigs. the pigs lapped it up, began running around in circles, and squealing. my grandma said the next day when they brought the feed out, the pigs wouldn't stop squealing. "i had never seen them so happy!"

there was a cow who was not quite as delighted. my grandpa walked out to find the cow backed up against the fence, as far from the food as possible, with her head hanging on the ground. "we had to milk her right away."

oh, and there was this. my grandma's lawn chair.

seems ordinary enough until you realize it just arrived in the mail one day. or so my grandma says. she didn't order it, or pay for it. it just showed up. my grandpa tried to tell her that "you don't just get lawn chairs in the mail" but she insists that she did.

it's a mystery.

and of course i heard stories i've heard before. about how my dad learned how to walk at 7 months old. or how he was recruited from his sand pile in the backyard to work for a restaurant behind their house, as a "take out the trash" boy. his first job at age 12.

isn't that special.

or about how we're related to alexander hamilton. (we're not, actually, but we're not telling them).

grandma: i got your mom and dad some money, to thank them for all their trouble this weekend.
me: that's really nice of you.
grandma: i'm giving it to them in ten dollar bills. do you know why?
me: because alexander hamilton is on the ten dollar bill.
grandma: yes. aren't you glad we're related to him?
me: i'm so glad.

and then there were the more disturbing pieces of information...

me: so, i know you're the youngest of 12 children. but i can't remember...how many kids were in grandpa's family?
grandma: (darn, she told me, but i forgot already...). but you know, everyone suspected his mom of starving that one baby to death.
me: why did they think that?
grandma: i don't know. she really, really liked your dad.
me: i'm very thankful for that...sounds like a good thing...

it was a fabulous weekend. lots of laughter. lots of baby holding. lots of information. my grandma was engaged to some schlep named albert, before my grandpa. when my grandparents got married, they lived off of $6 a week. my grandma cooked all the food for their wedding. they've lived in the same house for 58 years. my grandpa has miles davis, johnny cash, bob dylan, elvis presley, willie nelson, and others...on vinyl.

pictures of baby makenna tomorrow...

protect your neck.

2010-08-18T14:48:00.000-07:00

i started planning a trip to new jersey over labor day weekend.

to see the orange county supertones.

but it's not going to work out.

for at least 4 days, it's all i could think about. you should have seen me sitting here, listening to their music, daydreaming about new jersey. i found a place to stay that is not a hotel. i googled the route. there are A LOT of toll roads on the east side...toll roads are weird.

sigh.

i was in such a strange place since i found out about them. it's hard to explain. i keep saying that. it's like i felt a connection to a part of me that doesn't exist anymore. that's the best i can do.

other news...

i went shopping for a present for my new niece. and my old one.

i was so happy that my little pony, strawberry shortcake, and care bears are making a comeback. but kailey is still too little for that. i really would like her to turn 3, so every toy is not a threat to her life. the choking hazard danger goes away IMMEDIATELY when they turn 3, right?

i ain't no al pacino.

2010-08-10T15:23:00.000-07:00

i am terrible at describing things. terrible. whether it's physical pain or a sunset, i can't do it very well.

usually when i have a car problem, i call my dad and he has to work very hard to understand what's wrong. "i don't know, it just sounds weird. like...not the way it should sound. just weird, ok."

come along as i walk you through my internal dialogue on the commute back from work today.

"that...is a weird noise. really weird. what is that. i've never heard anything like that before. not from a car. man, i'm going to have to call my dad and ask him what he thinks. but then he always asks me what it sounds like, and i can never tell him. i have to figure out something to say before i call him. which really should come before any phone call, to anyone, now that i think about it. ugh, that is so weird. it's just on the right side. good! very good! that's probably helpful to know. what does he usually ask? does it sound like it's scraping? no. it does not. what other words are used to describe car noises? squeaking. it's not squeaking. or squealing. this is GOOD. so good. no scraping, squeaking, or squealing. it sounds like air is escaping from something. but..no. it's not. because i've had a couple flat tires, and i KNOW what that sounds like. and feels like. there is nothing wrong with my tires. or my car, really. it's driving fine. SPUTTERING. thats another word. it's not sputtering either. here's a stop light...hm. it's still making that noise...now i'm moving again. it's not louder. so, it is not connected to acceleration or the gas. this is great. of me. not my car. what is that noise?? like something leaking. but not really. it also sounds...watery. like something is leaking air and water at the same time. on the right side. wait. hold on. heh. it's my water bottle."

all that progress for nothing.

other things i can't describe:

the feelings that hit me HARD as i visited the supertones website today. i was looking for something specific that you wouldn't know to look for. i found it. you know that phrase "it hit me like a ton of bricks." that's the closest thing i can think of. but it wasn't bad, or good. i actually pushed myself away from the computer for a minute.

now i'm revisiting their old albums, which i guess i haven't listened to in a long time. longer than i thought.

because i also can't describe what the phrases "all right supertones let's rock" and "add two speakers and a microphone" do to me.

they were more than just a band i listened to. they were distant acquaintances. role models. teachers. influencers. the supertones period of my life encompasses more than music.

i would post lyrics or videos, but you won't know what to feel. or remember. it's weird how feelings can just hit a person. like a ton of bricks.

let me be 16 for a moment.

2010-08-09T19:04:00.000-07:00

today something sad happened.

it's going to sound like i'm joking.

but i'm actually sad about this.

a girl i know tagged a picture of me on facebook. the e-mail said the picture was in an album called "supertones 2010."

i would like to refer you to

this post

and scroll down, and read the last bit of text about the last video.

so i went to look at the picture, and sure enough. there were my supertones. on stage. i thought...maybe she just found some old pictures.

but why, why, was the album called "supertones 2010."

terror struck.

i googled.

and discovered.

they had a reunion tour this summer.

the orange county supertones

MY ORANGE COUNTY SUPERTONES

were out there, playing music, without my knowledge.

i don't think you understand. i can't make you understand.

most of the tour was in california. i would have ABSOLUTELY saved money, and gone. by myself. to california. to see the supertones in california...i can't let my mind go there. it has endured enough for one day.

i should have been there, screaming at the top of my lungs, dancing in a way that is only acceptable in a mosh pit, and letting them know...

i. still. love. you.

your music isn't sitting on my shelf, covered in dust. well actually it is, but that's only because i uploaded the songs onto itunes! i brought you with me into the the 21st century. just because you stopped making music, doesn't mean i forgot about you. i could never.

uuuuuggghhhhhh.

elvis shmelvis.

2010-08-07T20:56:00.000-07:00

a couple months ago i watched a movie called "cadillac records." it was about a record label in chicago several decades ago. it had this song in it. and highlighted the fact that elvis covered it, and his version was more famous.

a shame. a real shame.

i've also been listening to muddy waters, john lee hooker, and albert king.

my goodness. music isn't made like that anymore.

caliente.

2010-08-06T17:27:00.001-07:00

that's from failblog.

things i do not like about august:

- it is the hottest month. i am from texas, and i am used to hot weather. so it's not a shock to my system or anything. but that doesn't mean i enjoy being hot. i hate being cold. i don't hate being hot. but i don't enjoy humidity, or being unable to escape the heat. where i'm from, we have pools. free. pools. you don't have to be a member of a gym to go swim somewhere. each neighborhood has one. that's how you deal with august. but here...there's no way to deal with it.

- because it's so hot, my computer is loud, and slow. it doesn't like being hot.

- a new complaint: i can't exercise at a convenient time, like right after work, because i'd die.

- the children can't go outside. do you know what happens to children when you lock them in a room with each other for 9 hours? bad things. bad things happen.

things i do like about august:

- tomato art festival.

THATS IT.

something happy:

- i just remmebered that earlier i thought "i should listen to some muddy waters later."

so i'm going to go do THAT.

just keeping it real.

2010-08-05T18:37:00.000-07:00

i am coveting people's mobility today.

coveting.

i won't let myself look at my running shoes. my beautiful, shiny, orange and pink running shoes. with their comfort, and their support.

lots of people run around where i work, and i'm seriously envious. i can't go run because of my knee injury. i got an issue of runner's world e-mailed to me a few days ago, and couldn't bring myself to read it until today.

but!

it had some suggestions for feet stretches, which i am totally free to do, so i'm going to do those. but we don't talk about feet on this blog.

i talked to a couple friends employed in the medical field, and they have been helpful. one of them is going to show me how to "wrap my knee for compression." they both seem to think that my lack of pain is a good sign. i think i'm annoyed that there is still fluid on my knee, two weeks later. seriously annoyed. apparently i should just give it time. what i want to give it is a sharp jab with a needle, and see what comes out. but i won't. it would be foolish. i know.

i'm going for a test walk this weekend. i am nervous. i don't want my leg to fall off.

i would like to balance all this whining with a list of reasons to be thankful, which is really more like a list of things that could have gone wrong but didn't:

- i was wearing jeans when i fell. which probably prevented me from getting cuts and gashes and stuff.

- i only slid for a few seconds, instead of down the entire path of rocks, which would have landed me in a pool, yes, but a pool full of...more rocks.

- there was a guy in front of me, but he went behind me to help someone else right before i fell. i could have totally wiped him out too. yikes.

- whatever i did to my knee, apparently, could have been much worse. it's not hurting, which would imply torn ligaments or tendons. (i think...i was trying to understand what one of the people taught me about the knee, with a diagram and everything...something about an exploded bursa. my bursa exploded.) it's not red or hot, which would imply infection. i can walk fine, which gives me hope. no problems walking, or squatting, or anything. just a stupid bubble of fluid. stupid bubble.

- i was with a medical someone who knew what to do.

the list goes on, you know. in my mind i'm thanking God for these things, but perhaps that should not just be implied here. thanks, God...

they're mine. be jealous.

2010-08-01T19:52:00.001-07:00

my grandparents 70th anniversary party is coming up. everyone is writing down a memory or thoughtful note to put in a scrapbook of some kind. its my goal to bring my grandparents to tears. i want to see sobbing.

this is the letter i wrote. it might be too long. i care not.

background information:

- almost every conversation with them includes a mention of how we are related to alexander hamilton. we are not actually related to him, as my sister found out through research, but they think we are. and they are obsessed with that. obsessed. ten dollar bills are referred to as "grandpa hamiltons."

grab some tissue. if you're not weeping by the end of this, you're dead inside.

As I was trying to figure out what to write for this, I realized that some of my most vivid memories from childhood took place in your house. I remember Grandma picking cucumbers from the backyard, drawing happy faces on them, and calling them our cucumber dolls. I remember Grandpa teaching us how to spin homemade tops in his work shed. I remember writing plays with my sisters in the playroom, and I remember playing George Bush in one of them. I remember playing in your RV, and how much fun it was to just pretend. We did so many simple things at your house, but none of them were ever boring. We didn’t need a TV or a computer to have fun at your house.

I remember listening to the clock in the living room tick as I fell asleep every night. I remember waking up to Grandma making the most delicious biscuits I have ever eaten. I remember how no trip to Oklahoma was complete without dinner at the Golden Corral, and how no trip to the Golden Corral in my hometown was nearly as exciting. I remember listening to you play card games with my parents, late into the night.

I remember how you would always buy us pickles, cottage cheese, and Kicks cereal. I remember telling Dad how I thought you must really like those things, because you always had them. And he told me that you didn’t buy them because you liked them, but because you knew we did. And that’s the kind of thing I love remembering about you. As the years have gone by, I have become more aware of how generous you are. You’re generous in small ways…like buying our favorite kind of cereal, or by sending us money for our birthdays. The small things you do, like cutting out comic strips from the newspaper just to send to me in the mail, mean so much to me. It is a blessing to know I’m always on your mind.

But you’re also generous in big ways. Every time I visit your house, you have neighbors and friends stopping by just to say hello. And I know that’s because over the years you’ve been generous with your time, kindness, thoughtfulness, and love. You have always welcomed people into your home and life. Your 70th anniversary is not just a celebration, but it is an example to me of how to live my life. I hope as I grow older I can learn how to love people the way you do. More people have been blessed during your 70 years of marriage than we will ever know. I hope that we’re able to show you how much you mean to us. I know you talk a lot about how Alexander Hamilton is one of our relatives, and how proud that makes you. But I want you to know I am more proud to call you my Grandparents.

Happy 70th Anniversary!

baby's first camping trip.

2010-07-25T18:55:00.000-07:00

i went camping for the first time this weekend!

what it lacked:

- bear attacks
- peeing in bushes or holes in the ground
- rain

what it included:

- waterfalls
- bliss in various forms
- baby's first swollen knee

i'll just get right to it. i sort of fell down the side of a waterfall, unintentionally. there was a legitimate way down, mom. rocks. they were slippery. falling is never graceful or cool, but...that's a pretty great place to fall. it wasn't a sidewalk. i didn't trip over a tree root. i fell down the side of a waterfall. it's the second coolest fall that i know about. it is second only to the time my friend fell down the steps to what is believed to be the tomb of Christ Himself.

i didn't enjoy having my knee swell to the size of three knees, but i did enjoy all the...

time to read. time to hike. time to dangle my feet in water. time with nice people. time to think, and listen, and rest.

laughter, sunshine, shade, tents, crickets, lightning bugs, deer, alphabetical listing of denominations, campfire, campfire music, and overzealous patrol cars.

and i would like to go back.

out of control.

2010-07-22T18:13:00.000-07:00

two things today.

i have used up all my groceries for the week, and i'm really excited about it. something always happens to prevent me from using everything, and i feel wasteful. maybe the tomatoes will go bad. or i'll be out too late and not have time or energy to fix my lunch for the next day, so i have to buy lunch that day, while perfectly good food sits in my fridge. (no, fixing it the next morning is not an option, unless you want me or someone else to die). but anyway. it's all GONE. right on time. my lunch and breakfast is fixed for tomorrow, and i always plan something different for friday night. and i knew i was going out of town for saturday and sunday, so...YES. SUCCESS. it feels marvelous. nothing wasted. everything consumed.

i made a special blog for my photo of the day experiment/project. enjoy that if you like. i'd like people to look, but it's also just kind of nice for me. visual documentaion of my day-to-day experiences.

i'm the chief.

2010-07-19T20:12:00.000-07:00

snippets.

- i should be sleeping. my bedtime has angered me lately, so i've been ignoring it.

- something you have no way of knowing about me: i have to drink a little bit of cold water before i go to bed every day. it has to be cold. if i've forgotten to put some in the fridge, then i'll stay up an extra 20 minutes while i wait for some to get cold in the freezer. i don't even know why.

- i just finished reading "till we have faces" by c.s. lewis. he's my favorite author. this was not my favorite book. but i can't label it my least favorite either, because nothing he writes could be labeled "least." i can't do it. maybe i'll share quotes on another day. this is snippet day.

- my dinner this week is really awesome. salad: spinach leaves, chicken, dried cranberries. on the side: okra. lots and lots and lots of okra. i can eat it like candy. not fried, mind you. sauteed in a little olive oil, and sprinkled with salt and pepper. dessert after exercise: vanilla yogurt, strawberries, raspberries, and a few dark chocolate chunks. i want it to be 6pm tomorrow, so i can have some more.

- i'm composing a "memory tribute" thing for my grandparents' 70th anniversary memory book. it will have you weeping.

- i want to eat some more okra.

- i tried to make a powerade slushie today. it didn't go well. that's all i'm going to say.

- i started a new project called "photo of the day." i have an album on facebook. check it out. i'm taking a picture of something every day. i'm aiming to do it for a year. but that could be really hard. there's only so many pictures i can take of okra.

my little kingdom.

2010-07-15T19:12:00.000-07:00

last night at my neighborhood group, the designated topic of discussion was "eternal security." the belief that once a person is saved, they are saved forever. salvation cannot be lost.

we sort of discussed that, and also sort of didn't. at least not the way i wanted to. not in a passionate, fiery way. conversation was derailed a bit, which i have no problem with. a neighborhood group is the right place for that sort of thing.

but i remembered i have a blog, and can rant about anything i want.

so here i go.

i've always believed that salvation can't be lost. i grew up on the arminian side of things. now that i am on the calvinist side of things, i wonder...what did i base that belief on? i don't have an answer for that.

i do have this great book called "putting amazing back into grace." and here are some quotes on the topic.

"Since God initially gives us the grace to believe in him and to turn from self, why would he not also give us the grace to keep on trusting him? One simply cannot believe in the possibility of losing salvation through moral failure and in salvation by grace at the same time."

"Once God truly changes someone, that person never really wants to undo what God has done!"

"Wouldn't you fear having your eternal destiny hinging on your decision-making ability, an ability that might lead you to commit yourself to a new course one minute and to reject it the next?"

"It is nice to know that you can gauge your life by God's decision for you and not the other way around."

"Sheep do indeed stray from the shepherd. After all, if sheep did not tend to stray, why would they need a shepherd? But notice that the shepherd is always there to bring the sheep back."

"We are unhappy in sin - like fish out of water - if our nature has truly been changed. It is still enjoyable, but eventually unbearable."

those quotes address questions like "what about people who walk away from the Christian life and do things they shouldn't for long periods of time?" they either strayed and need a shepherd to bring them back, or they aren't people who have been changed by grace. "believers." i don't know who falls into what category. that's not something i know. but the reality is that some people aren't really Christians. that's an unpleasant thought. just because it's an unpleasant thought, doesn't make it any less true.

my favorite part of all this, and what we really didn't get to, is Jesus. the reason anyone can be secure is because His acts of dieing on the cross and coming back to life were POWERFUL acts. mighty acts. so powerful and mighty that salvation is secure. to say that salvation can be lost is to say that those acts were weak. this is the passionate, fiery stuff. we are weak. but Christ and the salvation He gives are NOT.

more powerful and mighty than my decisions to stray or sin. this is the good stuff. this is the comfort on my bad days. this is a place to rest.

"Christ 'takes away the sin of the world.' And notice that he does not make the removal of the world's sin possible: He accomplishes it!"

"Dr. Lewis Sperry Chafer said, 'Christ's death does not save either actually or potentially; rather it makes all men saveable.' If that is true, there is no real 'power in the blood.' Rather, the power would seem to be in the will of the creature."

"God's love is intense. It is a discriminate, special, saving love that truly reaches its target." (paraphrase)

"...apart from trusting in Christ there is not even a provision for salvation. But those who do believe have not only a provision and a potential atonement, but an effective redemption that actually accomplishes its purpose."

"The fact that God would choose, redeem, call, and keep a great number known only to him is amazing grace indeed and of infinitely more comfort than the idea that Christ's death actually secured the salvation of none, merely making salvation possible, depending on the ability of those who are 'dead in trespasses and sins' to make the right moves to God."

"The Bible says nothing of potential reconciliation, or a mere provision for reconciliation. Rather, it promises: 'Having been reconciled, we shall be saved' (Rom. 5:10)."

"Why should unbelievers get excited when I tell them, 'God loves you; Christ died for you'? Christ could have died for them; God could have loved them. But what good does that do them if they are all condemned anyway? Those whom the Savior loved and for whom he gave his life are saved! That's a love that achieves its objectives."

If salvation can be lost...

"It is a rather faulty piece of good news, because it is nothing positive; it is a grand uncertainty you have proclaimed to me."

a salvation that is uncertain is no salvation at all.

i really appreciate that the speaker last night took a minute to say that very intelligent, godly people disagree on this topic. i would also like to throw that out there.

ready, set, go.

2010-07-03T13:21:00.000-07:00

went shopping for running shoes today.

these are mine, all mine.

brooks. run happy. i think i will.

i don't know why...

and it doesn't make sense...

but they make me want to sing this song.

i think it's because i'm in love.

wrecking ball.

2010-07-01T19:21:00.001-07:00

i went to a great show at the ryman last night. a hymn sing. it's complicated to explain, but very neat.

for all my non-nashville readers (all 3 of you) i wanted to make a list of wonderful, wonderful musicians you've never heard of, but should listen to. not all of these were there last night, but seeing the show last night just reminded me of how i have access to so much great music. and most people have never heard it. and i forget that.

i'm basically just looking for their myspace pages, since those always have music. but if you like what you hear, and i'm sure some of it isn't current, then google them or search for them on itunes. and tell me if you do.

to begin,

chelsey scott. she has my dream voice. and my dream hair. she goes to my church and i've met her a few times, but i mostly avoid her so i don't find any more reasons to be jealous of her very existence.

listen to chelsey scott!!

brooke waggoner. she's more well known, actually. there's a better chance you've heard her. but if not...

do it now

and now, just a list.

emily deloach

charlie hardin

matthew perryman jones

annie parsons

haley shaw

matthew smith

jazz for kids!

coal train railroad

flo paris

i'm tired of googling and linking. there are many more. nashville friends, comment with links to the dozens i'm too tired to look up.

i love nashville. i really do.

the fantastic mundane.

2010-06-22T18:23:00.001-07:00

i am getting closer to saying "i'm going 'running' today" without using air quotes.

tonight there was supposed to be a free symphony show at centennial park. so i decided to just do a "run" there, and go straight to the symphony. smelling like sweat, yes. at the symphony. sorry mozart. i love you. i do.

well it rained. and even though it stopped raining, they cancelled it. but i was already at the park at that point.

i don't like running there, because it's so crowded, and old men lap me. but i was there.

at the current phase of the plan, i'm "running" in timed intervals. i can't find my actual stopwatch, so i've just been using the stopwatch on my phone.* since it had been raining, i didn't want to use it in case it started pouring again. i don't want to ruin my phone. so i decided to just run for as long as i could, and not worry about doing exact minute-and-a-half intervals.

then i thought...

i wonder if i can run a quarter of a mile...

i've tried before, and been unsuccessful. that was before i was on this training plan.

i tried again today.

and i failed.

four times.

i paused. i prayed.

i did it. fifth time's the charm. isn't that what they say.

it felt good. i laughed. well it was kind of a tired giggle. but there was rejoicing.

*the cell phone stopwatch. don't be fooled. this is not a fancy "app" on a fancy phone. it's a flip phone i've had for 5 years. in addition to making and receiving calls, which is the purpose of a phone, it only does a few extra things. it texts. yes. sometimes it gets picture texts. there's a stopwatch. a caculator. an alarm. and...yeah, that's about it.

chomp.

2010-06-20T18:21:00.000-07:00

this is wildly inappropriate.

not really. but it does fall under the category of "too much information."

but it's funny. and don't you come here for all the funnies? i know you don't come here for my late night george orwell rants.

so i went to the grocery store today.

i bought my groceries, and a coupon spit out for me.

for me, specifically.

it was for a product that i only need...once a month.

sure enough, i needed some today, and forgot to buy them.

and it knew. kroger knows me. far too well. initially, i recoiled in horror.

but mostly i'm thankful, because...i did forget.

i also bought a lot of delicious food for this week. listen to my menu.

breakfast: yogurt with strawberries, bluberries, and almonds.

lunch: turkey tacos with pico de gallo, and some cantaloupe to enjoy on the side.

dinner: cereal and a smoothie.

YUM.

the year of my birth.

2010-06-18T22:18:00.001-07:00

so it's way after 10pm, and i have digested cold medicine.

but i am thinking very coherently. as far as i can tell.

here is whats on my mind.

there's a website called WikiLeaks. it's a place where people leak information about governments around the world, that they feel the public needs to know.

a few months ago, someone leaked a video about some action in afghanistan, where some U.S. soldiers attacked civilians who weren't doing anything (including children...). they didn't have guns, they were literally just walking down the street. it was released because the families of a couple photographers killed wanted their deaths investigated, and they found out they had been lied to about what really happened.

anyway, that's when i first became aware of the website. it's been around for a few years, apparently. the creator of the site is being hunted down. he travels around from place to place, so his location can't be traced.

i'm really curious to read more on the site.

but at the same time...

i'm actually afraid to. i'm sure visits to the site are being monitored. by my own government.

this feels like something george orwell wrote. except it's real.

afraid to visit a website? this is the opposite of what the founders of our country had in mind for its citizens. they escaped tyranny, because they believed you shouldn't be afraid of your government.

our government is actually trying to scare people away from talking to WikiLeaks, because they're so afraid of secrets getting out.

a government that tries to scare people.

a government that claims to value whistleblowing, actually arrests whistleblowers.

if you're curious about wikileaks, i found a couple quotes from glenn greenwald's blog on salon.com about it:

"Any rational person would have to acknowledge that government secrecy in rare cases is justifiable and that it's possible for leaks of legitimate secrets to result in serious harm. I'm not aware of a single instance where any leak from WikiLeaks has done so, but it's certainly possible that, at some point, it might. But right now, the scales are tipped so far in the other direction -- toward excessive, all-consuming secrecy -- that the far greater danger comes from allowing that to fester and grow even more. It's not even a close call. Any efforts to subvert that secrecy cult are commendable in the extreme, and nobody is doing that as effectively as WikiLeaks..."

"Just in the last week alone, several people have expressed to me fears that supporting or otherwise enabling WikiLeaks could subject them to liability or worse. There's no reason to believe that's true, but given the powers the U.S. Government claims -- lawless detentions, renditions, assassinations even of American citizens -- that's the climate of intimidation that has been created. This latest incident is clearly being used to impede WikiLeaks' vital function of checking powerful factions and imposing transparency, and for that reason alone, this is an extremely serious case that merits substantial scrutiny, along with genuine skepticism to understand what happened."

eye on the prize.

2010-06-16T20:05:00.000-07:00

a blog i read about politics and government posted this jon stewart clip today. it's really good, and worth the 8 minutes. it's a great summary of everything i've been learning about lately. issues that i never thought much about before, but have been reading a lot about this year.

and noooo, i do not normally go to jon stewart for my news. the only reason i'm sharing this is because there aren't that many jokes.

i am not an obama hater. i won't listen to any nonsense about "he's not even american!" or "he wants to make america a muslim country!" or anything like that. if you want to discuss obama with me, it can only be about political issues. sometimes i like his decisions, sometimes i don't. i do not agree or disagree completely with any political candidate or person in office. the only person i could agree with completely is Jesus Christ. i also don't think it's possible for someone to be wrong about everything.

but this is about some pretty blatant broken campaign promises.

civil liberties. IMPORTANT.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Respect My Authoritah

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor

Tea Party

in other news:

- i talked to my 2.5 year old niece on the phone today. didn't understand most of it. still smiled a lot.

- i have given myself reading assignments, so i can finish more books. this sounds like a punishment, but i am quite thrilled.

- there's much drama at work. not the kind that makes me paranoid about losing my job, just the kind that makes it hard to go to work. my coworkers are pretty negative people. lieing to each other, and about each other. all day long. complaining. manipulating. it can be exhausting. and hard not to complain myself. i left work today worried about what i'm going back to tomorrow. but i'm going to bed remembering that my identity is in Christ. it doesn't matter if they hate me for fake reasons. it doesn't matter if they gossip about me. it's a good place to rest.

- tonight at church we discussed "adoption." i remembered that my dad is adopted. it's interesting to listen to a message about adoption with that in mind. my grandparents are full of love for him, and us. and i also remembered that they are close to celebrating 70 years of marraige. 70. years. because of adoption, that is my heritage. when i tell people about how that's coming up, i don't say "they're going to celebrate 70 years. but they're not my real grandparents, so it's not that big of a deal to me." because of adoption, i'm proud of them. they're my grandparents. i've never felt that we aren't REALLY family.

so that made me think about how incredible it is that i REALLY do belong to Christ, and it's not pretend. it's a REAL relationship. His Father, is my Father. His inheritance is my inheritance. complete. full. family. real family.

i'd still prefer that no one chase me.

2010-06-14T19:43:00.000-07:00

running.

the history:

i tried this running plan a year or so ago, and it was miserable. i didn't feel too bad that day (even though i wasn't able to complete the entire first workout), but the next day i had a migraine. i remember laying on the floor at work, unable to move. i barely made it to the store to get medicine without puking.

i gave that up real quick.

if you've ever had a migraine, you understand why i wouldn't want to repeat that 3-4 times a week.

but a couple months ago i walked a half-marathon. and i thought...if i can walk 13.1 miles, surely i can learn to run one.

i like challenges. i like new experiences. i like learning things.

so i've been doing that for a few weeks.

and it's FUN. terrible, terrible fun. i've learned the running secret. it sucks. but then when you're done, it feels amazing.

don't misunderstand. i'm not running a mile yet. i'm learning. someone showed me this plan online, and i've been doing it. it's great. the best part, for me, is that i WANT to keep doing it. it's not just that i'm doing it to be healthy, or i'm doing it because running is cool. neither of those things would keep me going for long. the charm would fade. but not long after i finish each workout, i actually look forward to the next one. and if i go down a new street, or see a new park, i think "that looks like a fun place to run." what a weird, alien thought. for me.

http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml

magic.

it's a plan to run a 5k, but i'm just using it to learn how to run. if i feel strong enough, i might do one in august. but i'm definitely not going to rush through it.

train of thought

2010-06-10T16:08:00.000-07:00

this will be scattered. just a warning.

i just a had a revelation.

this has been a weeeeeeiiiiird week. not in content, just in feeling. i was just feeling weird about some things. and down. sad. melancholy. frustrated.

something flipped inside me today, and i'm back to normal.

i posted as my facebook status that i'm out of my funk, and someone asked how i got out of it.

i really thought that my trusty "rational thoughts" got me out of it. and prayer. i knew prayer had to have played a part.

but then i thought more, and realized...

my rational thoughts put me into a funk!

they have never failed me like this before. i think i've only ever used them to get OUT of funks, so that's why they worked well. but this week they really created the problems in my heart. my mind is boggled. realizing that i should have trusted my FEELINGS...WHAT???...is really throwing me for a loop right now.

really, i should have just trusted Christ with my feelings.

but that brings me to my fabulous weekend plans:

grocery shop at whole foods or trader joe's. haven't made up my mind yet.

go RUNNING. which, by the way, is going fabulously. i'll share more details some other time. but i have a recruit now. i'm going to whip her into shape. beat her into submission. because i'm an entire 2 weeks ahead of her...

maybe visit the downtown library. wait, no. country music fans everywhere. ugh.

clean.

organize.

read. i finished a great book. i'm continuing another one.

maybe tune my guitar.

i had a flat tire last week! this is only exciting because the person who helped me change it taught me how to do it myself. i keep wanting a friend to call me, stranded, begging for help.

that reminds me of things that i don't understand.

i don't understand why anyone would drive under the speed limit.

i don't understand certain kinds of unorganization. like if you're making something for a group of specific people, why wouldn't you count or have a list of names with you while you do it?

i don't understand why a person would rip masking tape with their teeth. i understand if it's packing tape. something tough. and no scissors are around. but masking tape?

i can be pretty...critical...

it's my main incentive to never be drunk. i'm pretty sure i'd just be yelling at everyone i know.

PB&J

2010-05-28T14:04:00.000-07:00

today i had a teacher inservice training day.

information you need to know before i describe the day:

we each got a pair of these "sunglasses":

i put mine on the floor somewhere, but a lot people put theirs on like this:

just keep that in mind for just a minute.

seminar #1 was "emergency preparedness."

the speaker's primary example was how to handle an anthrax attack.

anthrax.

"whenever i am around a bunch of people, i always have to ask...how should we plan on getting medicine to 1 million people in 40 hours? because 40 hours is all we'd have."

about 45 minutes into learning how we would be completely unable to handle an anthrax attack at a preschool, he stopped and said:

"can y'all put your sunglasses on your face? i just want to see what everyone looks like with those sunglasses on!"

and then continued with the lecture. he did let us know that if we need information about how to handle emergencies, we could check the internet. the internet has a lot of information.

seminar #2 was "science in the classroom"

one quote from the speaker.

"i am extremely buoyant."

seminar #3 was "music and movement"

i knew we were headed for trouble when i saw her ear microphone. whenever someone wears one of those, you know they plan on wandering enthusiastically through the room.

and when she said the words "i've been told it's my job to keep you awake after the lunch break!"

i don't care to describe the singing and dancing that followed.

seminar #3 was "camping projects"

i learned a new joke.

if you're an american before you go in the bathroom, and you're an american when you come out of the bathroom, what are you INSIDE the bathroom?

european.

well, what must be must.

2010-05-22T14:07:00.001-07:00

today's accomplishments:

i balanced my checkbook before i even went to the bathroom this morning. i woke up with a purpose, apparently.

i did laundry, including my bed sheets.

i went to the art fest. i enjoyed wandering around in the fresh air. and looking at art.

i went to a new coffee place today to read. i read 40 or so pages of "kidnapped" by robert louis stevenson.

i gave my smoothie maker a little scrub to rid it of dust because it's SUMMER. it's smoothie time.

good parts of my week:

live music. chelsey scott. crystal thomas. an unexpected evening of LIVE MUSIC. my favorite kind of music.

an arrested development viewing with acquaintances. laughter.

all i can think about:

our hot water heater is broken again.

things are weird at work because of the firings.

relationships: fight or flight? fight or flight?

found.

2010-05-18T19:32:00.000-07:00

parent/teacher conferences are this week. which means when i get off work, i don't get to leave. i have to hang around and entertain myself until it's time.

today i went to borders. i did not buy anything.

allison: 1
borders: 10,000,000

i was planning on reading a chapter in a book i have, i just didn't have it with me. but they didn't have it either. so then i started trying to find the worst christian books ever written.

#1

bod 4 God

a christian weight-loss plan.

#2

no more christian nice girl

um. it has something to do with...not being good, but then also...being good.

#3

the gospel according to lost

the only chapter title i can remember is "Jesus wrote a best-seller."

so, lost. i've seen every episode. but i lost interest when they started talking about time travel. as soon as i realized there would be no rational explanation for the mysterious island, i checked out. i keep watching because i hate leaving things unfinished. and tonight's episode was the worst ever. other people say that, and they say it like "it was the worst! ahh! they're so cruel to us! yay!" but what i mean is...i really kind of hate it. there are HUGE HOLES in this story, and it bothers me that they haven't even addressed them with some nonsense about...time travel.

a tribute

2010-05-16T19:54:00.000-07:00

because of the weather in nashville i wasn't able to fly and see my little sister graduate from college.

laura is really cool. she's going to be a personal trainer. even though she doesn't know anything about chia seeds.

she used to poo all over herself in her crib. every morning my mom would go into her room, and there'd just be poo everywhere. and there would be laura...right in the middle of it.

she played softball from a very young age through her first couple years of college. she's a pitcher. she could have been in the olympics, if she had tried out like i told her to. now they took softball out of the olympics, and she'll never aspire to anything.

except.

a funny

kind

thoughtful

smart

amazing

little sister

of me.

one of my few life regrets is not going to see her play softball more when i was in high school. sometimes i couldn't go because i was working. mostly i was just selfish. that's why i was extra upset at missing her graduation. it's just one more part of her life i didn't get to see. this time it wasn't my fault. but she's so cool. i wanted to be there.

she is really talented. i'm not just saying that. i'll tell you who is not talented at sports, and that's my sister emily*. i'm just saying that to prove that i can be objective. i could beat emily at any game, with one hand tied behind my back. and i'm not even good at sports myself. she's just that bad. and laura is really as good as the olympics.

laura is going to be an incredible personal trainer. and she graduated college. and i'm proud of her.

*emily is good at other things, like painting walls and hanging up curtains. just kidding, emily. (she's an interior designer). but i would definitely call her an artist. come and see the drawing she made me of the ryman. she probably did it with one hand tied behind her back. she's like van gogh. and i'm not just saying that. i'll tell you who is not an artist, and that's my sister sarah.

conversation with a 92 year old.

2010-05-08T17:06:00.000-07:00

called my grandma for her 92nd birthday.

she's a champ.

what you should know is this set of grandparents thinks we're related to alexander hamilton. we are not. my sister found out this week on ancestry.com or something. we're not telling them. they've claimed that heritage for their whole 70-year marraige. they send me letters with ten dollar bills, and call them "grandpa hamiltons." they bring it up...OFTEN. and his name has been inserted into our family tree without any connection to anyone around him.

snippets:

me: isn't it your birthday today?
grandma: yes it is! i'm 92!
me: i know! how are you feeling?
grandma: like a million dollars.
grandpa: ALLISON?
grandma: not so loud!
grandpa: i just need to ask her one thing.
me: hey grandpa!! how are you?
grandpa: say, have i ever given you a copy of the family tree?
me: you have not.
grandpa: ok. i'm going to give you one when you come to visit us, if you want one.
me: i would love a copy of the family tree.
grandma: have we ever told you who is on our family tree? tell her grandpa.
grandpa: well, it's alexander hamilton.
me: really.
grandpa: yes, he's on the ten dollar bill.
me: how about that.

----

grandma: well our adopted family on this street has the cutest little baby girl. they bring her over every now and then.
me: oh yeah? what's her name?
grandma: hmm. let me think. grandpa do you know?
grandpa: no. it's been 2 weeks. i can't remember that long.
grandma: she has the prettiest blue eyes, though.

----

me: how have you been feeling lately?
grandma: well i'm still cancer-free. i'm not a very swift walker anymore, though.
me: well, i think that's ok.
grandma: do you hear that?
me: hear what.
grandma: that's our clock chiming. it chimes every hour.
me:...cool.

---

grandma: when you come to visit, you need to take something with you.
me: what am i taking?
grandma: you just need to have a look around our house and take something. nobody ever takes anything home with them.

FALSE. check out this gem i swiped a few years ago.

now that i have her permission, i'm going to find something equally horrifying and strange to bring back with me next time. maybe a ceramic clown.

skeptic.

2010-05-04T19:38:00.001-07:00

i was just chuckling as i reflected on the conversations leading up to the flooding. so i'm sharing them.

saturday.

it rained, and rained. i LOVE rain. so i grabbed my books and went to ugly mugs to read and watch the rain.

a friend texted me something like "i heard the world was ending in nashville, are you ok?"

and i texted back something like "yeah! i love storms!"

internal dialogue: weird.

a few minutes later my roommate called me to make sure i wasn't on the interstate because "cars are floating down the interstate."

internal dialogue: i wonder what that really means..

me: cars are...floating down the interstate?
her: yeah. i just wanted to check on you.
me: what?
her: the interstates are flooding.
me: WHAT? i don't understand.
her: people are trapped, they're climbing over the medians are trying to get away.
me: what??
her: yeah, it's crazy. we decided not to go anywhere.
me: what?

i can't remember what i was picturing in my mind, but it wasn't a flood. i still didn't believe she meant "flood." not that i think she's a liar. like i would live with a known liar.

i kept reading. it was the last few articles of the federalist papers. i had momentum on my side. i had to finish while my brain was still comprehending.

when i got back, i just remember standing there and saying "what?" a million more times. and expressing confusion because the sections of the interstate that i drive on are so far above ground. "aren't the interstates, like, above ground?" i asked.

it has been so very bizarre. even when i was helping one family bail water out of their basement, i still wasn't thinking "FLOOD." because the streets around their house were fine. but then i started seeing the pictures of downtown.

then i remembered the one other flood i've been through. it was in the 90's. i was a tiny person. so here's what my child mind remembers. lots of free sandwiches at my church. with really good turkey. we were helping people, we weren't the victims. this woman my mom knows was very upset. she kept saying "my pitchers, my pitchers. they're all gone. my pitchers." and i thought "i wonder why she's so sad about her dishes."

later on in life i realized she meant "pictures."

234

2010-05-01T21:08:00.000-07:00

i finally finished the federalist papers.

it has been so interesting to see how what they hoped and planned for just...did not play out. because human beings were responsible for carrying the plans out, and human beings are corrupt.

it was also interesting to read about some rights that have been ignored in recent years. rights that have not been protected.

ugh.

some final quotes:

"No legislative act, therefore, contrary to the Constitution, can be valid. To deny this would be to affirm that the deputy is greater than his principal; that the servant is above his master; that the representatives of the people are superior to the people themselves; that men acting by virtue of powers may do not only what their powers do not authorize, but what they forbid."

"A Prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people."

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness. - That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. - That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it; and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness...But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object, evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security."

ron paul 2012.
http://www.campaignforliberty.com/
just saying.

a stick.

2010-04-30T15:39:00.000-07:00

my foot is 90% better. but i don't want to make it worse so i'm still taking it easy.

i am pleased to discover that i miss walking. not just walking, but exercising. challenging myself. i really enjoyed having a training plan. i'm the kind of person who likes to be organized. i like to follow rules and schedules.

i'm going to learn how to run now. i found a plan online. it breaks you in gradually. builds you up to a 5k over a period of a few months.

i went to fleet feet today just to look at prices of shoes. i'm not going to drop $150 on shoes before i even give running a shot. but i'm a planner. another smart person told me that running shoes should be a size larger, so if this works out...i'd need bigger shoes.

the guy told me about their fitting process. he used the phrase "the naked foot" and i almost threw up. they want. to touch. my feet. that will be the 5 most uncomfortable moments of my life. it will only take 5 minutes, right? it's not going to happen today. don't worry about it today, allison.

the darndest things.

2010-04-27T12:57:00.000-07:00

girl 1: here's barbie's dress.
me: where's barbie? i don't see her.
girl 2: she's in the trash can. *continues playing with dolls*
me: did you put her in the trash can?
girl 2: yes.
me: we've only been here 30 minutes. where did you say barbie is?
girl: in the trash can.
me: *looks in trash can* yeah, it's empty. did you put her in the trash can today, or yesterday?
girl: i put her in the trash can after snack time.
me: that was yesterday. today, barbie is gone.

-----

girl: *crying, so much crying*
me: why are you sad? can you tell me with words?
girl: *even more crying*
me: i need you to tell me with words why you're sad, so i can help you.
girl: my eyes are broken.
me: well. thank you for using words. i don't know what that means. do you want a sticker?
girl: yeah!!
me: great.

i have failed them.

2010-04-26T19:33:00.000-07:00

i was too tired and unaware (and drenched, and in pain) to check my time right after the half, but they e-mailed it to me today. we came in five whole minutes UNDER my goal. i thought we might have finished 10 minutes over the limit, and been disqualified. because of my limping, and our brief stop at the "shelter" to avoid a tornado. so considering those two factors, i'm really pleased with how we kept up our pace. we walked faster than we ever did in training, and didn't even slow down.

enough about that. it's old news. moving on.

i'm such a bad teacher.

we sing songs all the time. i usually ask them what they want to sing at circle time (sounds precious, doesn't it...), and then we sing it. today i decided to throw it right back at them and see if they could sing it by themselves. here is how that went.

Five Little Monkeys

the actual lyrics:

five little monkeys, jumping on a bed
one fell off and bumped his head
mama called the doctor and the doctor said
"no more monkeys jumping on the bed!"

etc.

me: okay, you sing it! how does it go?
boy: two monkeys. jump, jump, jump!
me: ok. we'll start with two. how many are there now?
boy: two monkeys. jumping, two monkeys!

The Bumblebee Song

the actual lyrics:

i'm bringing home a baby bumblebee
won't my mommy be so proud of me
i'm bringing home a baby bumblebee
ouch! it stung me!
i'm squishing up a baby bumblebee...
ew! it's all over me!
i'm wiping off a baby bumblebee...
etc.

me: the bumblebee song! good choice. how does that one go?
children: *silence*
me: i'm...bringing...home...
girl: i want my baby bumblebee. *sad face*
me: *confusion*

Rain, Rain, Go Away

me: take it away, kids.
boy: rain, go away, GO AWAY! NO! GO AWAY!

well.

no blood was shed today. there's that, at least.

13.1

2010-04-24T12:38:00.000-07:00

what a day.

the strange highlights:

there was a guy dressed as a samurai.

there was someone wearing a dunder-mifflin race for the cure shirt. which wasn't strange. just awesome.

before the race, we walked over with my friend's dad. we saw a dead squirrel. he declared it an omen. "for other squirrels, i mean. not for us..."

i did not slip on a banana peel, but i almost did. that only happens in cartoons! or so i thought. until i almost slipped on one. it was a nice surprise to get fruit along the way, though! it made me want to throw up, but...it was nice.

the mile-by-mile breakdown:

if you're already bored, skip ahead to mile 9. that's where it got interesting.

they started the race early, because of the bad weather. but it was super exciting being in line. so many people. the news said 36,000. i can't explain how it felt to cross the start line. it was just...exciting. happy. FUN.

ok.

- miles 1-2

we were walking fast. passing people left and right. it felt good. this part really is boring.

- miles 2-4

at this point, we saw the runners in front go under the bridge we were crossing. they were doing their last 3 miles, as we were doing our first 3. i tried not to think about how we had 3 more hours until we'd be there. but i was really impressed with them.

- miles 5-7

we passed belmont! my alma mater. and saw four friends cheering for us. i didn't realize how much of an energy boost that really could be. thanks, friends.

- mile 8

felt tired. felt sore. i thought we were going slower, but i kept looking at the clock and we were still on pace. i think this was the point where i felt too tired to pray for strength anymore. i have probably only addressed the Holy Spirit directly a few times in my life. i kind of forget He's there. sorry, dude. but i did around this time. i remembered He intercedes for us. "Jesus, can you keep praying for us? i can't. wait, no...the Holy Spirit...yeah! that's what You do! thaaanks..." and i felt grateful to belong to such a weird God. 3 in 1. such a weird, loving, strong God. i like to pray, but i kept praying about how much it hurt, which meant i kept thinking about how much it hurt...so i was really thankful to know i was still being prayed for. by God. to Himself.

- mile 9

it was at this point that a blister began to form on the bottom of my foot. as usual. and it was also at this point that the police began telling us to abandon the course voluntarily, because of a tornado watch. walking in the rain was not annoying. but having people tell you that you aren't safe...kind of nerve-wracking.

- mile 10

there was a small "shelter" that people were being directed to. we decided to stop. the guy in charge pulled up a weather map, and told us tornado weather would be in our area in half an hour. this part is kind of confusing. i still don't understand it. he told us that another shelter was 30 minutes away, if we wanted to go for it. we decided to go for it. i figured that meant we wouldn't be allowed to finish, so i wanted to get as far as i could. i felt a surge of energy, and we walked quickly...for about a mile...

- mile 11

rain fell harder. wind blew. FEET HURT BAD. "where, oh where is the shelter? maybe this is a good thing that we won't be able to finish. i do not feel good."

- mile 12

the limping began. i don't know what they thought they were directing us to, but we were headed to the finish. we slowed down majorly, because of me. i could see the stadium, and hear the cheering. but oh. my. gosh. that last mile was killer.

- mile 13.1

i FINISHED. i still can't believe it. so much pain towards the end. and a tornado didn't eat us. we got a medal! i didn't know we were going to get one. i'll do anything for a medal. we had to keep walking (uuuuuggghhh) to get to a place where our ride could pick us up, but we found a covered spot and sat down out of the rain. and all the pain felt worth it. it was FUN. terrible, terrible fun. i can see why people do these in different cities. i loved seeing my city like this, but it would also be fun to see others. 13.1 MILES, y'all. walking it isn't cool enough to get one of those stickers for my car, but i might wear my medal to bed. i like doing things i've never done before. i walked a half-marathon. i finished it. around mile 9 i thought i might never do it again. but when it was done, i knew immediately i had stumbled onto a new, expensive addiction. maybe next time i'll cross the starting line RUNNING. that'd be fun too.

33044

2010-04-23T18:17:00.000-07:00

the half-marathon is tomorrow.

concerns:

- i don't know if i can do it. 11 miles is the farthest i've gone. it hurt. i had to stop for 2 weeks because of my "injury." which was the right decision. but it set me back. i did 6 miles after i came back, and my ankle hurt bad after 4-5 miles. when i did 11 miles the next weekend, it hurt after 9. so that shows improvement. but it's still an issue.

- i don't know if we can do it fast enough.

- i've been battling a throat thing all week. it was OK, but now it is not ok. now it hurts. and i don't want to wake up feeling weak in other places. like my lungs. or my legs.

- the weather. if they don't let the walkers finish i will be inconsolable. just don't even talk to me.

- we are in the last corral. that wouldn't bother me at all if we weren't trying to outwalk a tornado.

- to eat gel or not to eat gel. there is no consensus.

but i am incredibly excited.

i am ready for my stroll across this city that i love.

speaking spanish.

2010-04-21T13:24:00.001-07:00

i'm going to have to write in a vague, cryptic fashion today.

i don't want any crazies finding this blog because of a current news event i'm going to be referencing. so pay attention!

you know that lady who "got" a kid from that "place" that isn't america, and then made him go back?

are you with me.

i made two discoveries at work today that seem extra interesting because of that story.

there is a new student in the 4-5 year old class from that same place. her parents "got" her in the same way just a few weeks ago. she doesn't speak any english. not one word. she's four. and terrified.

as it turns out, there is ANOTHER four year old in her class, from that place, and she speaks that language fluently. so whenever the new girl gets scared, the other little girl speaks that language to her to try and help her not be confused.

isn't that the greatest coincidence?

in other news,

our substitute who is from africa, and speaks with a lovely french accent, was there today. she knows i'm from texas, and tried to convince me to marry her brother in texas. he has a lot of money, she said persuasively.

and,

we got our information sheet about the inservice training we have every may and september. we're bound for an indoor camping adventure, apparently. i'm waiting for the day when they remember we're adults, and don't have to be tricked into showing up for mind-numbing seminars. that are mandatory. that's a day of training i won't dread.

another round, please.

2010-04-17T22:01:00.001-07:00

breaking two major blogging rules. writing after 10pm, and writing under the influence of cold medicine.

i read a lot of different books, you know. different genres. harry potter. economics. jane austen. shakespeare. i'm about to read "kidnapped" by robert louis stevenson. i don't know why, but i feel like this is a "random" choice. i don't know if it's possible to have a random choice when i read so many different kinds of books, but it feels random. maybe because it's not a more famous book of his, like treasure island. i think i got it because the first line on the back says something about "bloody family quarrels." i want to read me some of that.

i forgot to mention that i made a really exciting discovery a couple weeks ago. i hate cats. i already knew that. but i discovered i'm allergic. i already kind of knew that too. my mom always told me i was, because my dad is too. me and my dad share ailments. so that means we never had a cat, which means i never really knew if i was or not. but a couple weeks ago i was at someone's house, and my eyes started itching and watering real bad. she asked if i was allergic, and i said "yeah...i think its ok though. i don't think it'll be bad, with swollen eyes or anything. i don't really know." and she said "well. your eyes are swelling up. i'll get you some medicine."

ha! turns out my mom was right. it's not that i thought she was making it up, i've just never been around a cat long enough, i guess.

what i'm saying is, keep your cats away from me. i now have a valid reason to make that request.

and here's a deeper thought. i constantly struggle with people's perception of me. i don't care if people don't like me, as long as their reasons are accurate. factual. if you don't like my sense of humor...fine. if you think i'm too quiet...fine. but if someone doesn't like me because they've misunderstood something i've said, or something like that, it really bothers me. i want to correct the misunderstanding, and after that i don't really care. i just want the facts on the table. i am bothered by some people viewing me through false filters. some people think i'm unintelligent, so they hear everything i say through that filter, and as a result...hear things wrong.

and i had a conversation with someone about a different issue, but something she said stuck with me. she just reminded me that my identity is in Christ, so it doesn't matter if i've been misrepresented. and i left that conversation feeling better.

but i've been thinking more about it. if the misunderstanding, or whatever, goes on without correction...doesn't that harm the community i'm part of? in the long run? because the relationship isn't what it could be. if you give me the benefit of the doubt, or let me talk long enough to clarify, or whatever...the relationship grows. but if you continue thinking things about me that aren't true...how is that good for the community?

pop.

2010-04-13T16:15:00.000-07:00

walked 11 miles on saturday.

it hurt pretty bad.

even though i got special "dry socks" to prevent blisters, i got 4. there were two on the bottom of one foot, and then they became one. i had a little ceremony. i don't know why i keep saying that.

this is so gross, but i definitely popped and drained them all so i can get back to walking tomorrow. the internet said not to, but i said...you're not my mom, internet. this is what's going to happen. deal. i took measures to prevent infection. stop freaking out, everyone.

so i've mentioned to people that i'm having trouble with my ankles. and i also said that i had these problems before, because of my job. which doesn't sound true. i just work at a preschool, not a...landfill. i don't know where people get bad ankles. but you probably wouldn't think it would happen at a preschool. however.

will you please look at this picture of my work shoes, which i have to replace every 4-5 months.

you'd think i spend my days traversing* lava rock or something.

i know what some of you are thinking. "maybe if you replaced the more often, your feet wouldn't hurt." false. i just know you're wrong. even if i did that, the fact remains...my work shoes look like that after a few months, and yours probably don't. i don't know exactly why, but my job is hard on feet.

it's something about the floor maybe? it's really hard. other people complain about it. and i'm constantly going back and forth between squatting and standing up, because they're little people. i've started doing some feet stretches that i found...on the internet.

=)

enough about feet, my least favorite subject. blech.

last week i took a picture of the all-star dinner i made last week. which i mentioned. green bean salad (green beans, tomatoes, kalamata olives, red onions, feta cheese), with a side of MANGO and avocado. YUM. look at this. don't you want to eat this?

*i looked up the definition of "traversing" to make sure i was using it right. every now and then i lose confidence in my lexicon. my lexicon is so exiguous. ANYWAY. i entered the first letter "t" into google, and the first word it searched for, just based off that one letter...

"tyranny."

100 more pages of the federalist papers, and maybe google will think i have a life again.

actually

2010-04-07T19:44:00.001-07:00

i don't want to wait.

a few of the most recent quotes i've underlined in the federalist papers:

As the cool and deliberate sense of the community ought, in all governments, and actually will, in all free governments, ultimately prevail over the views of its rulers; so there are particular moments in public affairs when the people, stimulated by some irregular passion, or some illicit advantage, or misled by the artful misrepresentations of interested men, may call for measures which they themselves will afterwards be the most ready to lament and condemn.

ahh! does that not make your mind explode? because of how pertinent it still is? COME ON!

It is too early for politicians to presume on our forgetting that the public good, the real welfare of the great body of the people, is the supreme object to be pursued; and that no form of government whatver has any other value than as it may be fitted for the attainment of that object.

I will add, as a fifth circumstance in the situation of the House of Representatives, restraining them from oppressive measures, that they can make no law which will not have its full operation on themselves and their friends, as well as on the real mass of the society. This has always been deemed one of the strongest bonds by which human policy can connect the rulers and the people together. It creates between them that communion of interests and sympathy of sentiments of which few governments have furnished examples; but without which every government degenerates into tyranny.

!!

come on.

this is good stuff. it can't be just me.

yay or nay.

2010-04-07T15:35:00.000-07:00

i haven't had the internet for almost 2 weeks.

oh. man.

there are things i actually need the internet for.

i had to call my mom and give her my bank info so she could pay a bill online for me. i pay my bills online. i also had a million errands to run to unfamiliar places, so i had to call her and get directions. i kept thinking of things to look up online when i get off work, and then remembered...nope. can't do that. argh. i wasn't even thinking about facebook or youtube. or my blog. i was thinking about looking up the best routes to travel for my commute, and things like that. i know what you're thinking. but why would i BUY a map, when i can look it up on the internet?

oh, internet. i missed you.

so here are the scattered updates:

- i MOVED. i'm very excited about this move. there's no traffic outside my window waking me up an hour before my alarm clock. there is a laundry machine, right over there. for me to use at will. without quarters. children run in the street. dogs bark. my floor is wooden. there's a human above the age of 2 for me to talk to every day. almost everything i do after work is 2 minutes from me. instead of 20.

- 2 days ago i finished reading about the house of representatives in the federalist papers. 1 day ago, i learned that someone at my church is running for a seat in congress. i just like the timing of that. and i want to jump up and down and clap my hands out of excitement for him. but i don't think people in congress like that. it's UnSerious. oh man, are the 2 year olds rubbing off on me?

- i have been making myself a fantastic dinner all this week. green bean salad. listen to this. green beans, red onions, tomatoes, kalamata olives, feta cheese. with a side of avacado for fun. and some kind of fruit. and today is mango wednesday!

- i turned 26.

- i got a visit from one of my best friends, and got to meet his new wife. i like her. fun fact: this friend is a fan of nicknames. he was always trying to come up with one for me, and other people. within minutes of meeting his wife, she asked if she could call me allie. i'm so glad they're married!

- i was going to put up a few quotes from the federalist papers that made me happy and angry, but i'll save that for when i finish it.

just a little more time.

2010-03-25T18:42:00.000-07:00

i haven't finished going through my music. it seems like it would be easy. just throw it away. no. each CD gets a final listen. not the whole thing. just the songs i know will take me somewhere.

first up today...plus one. i was never actually a FAN, fan. i only own their CD because i borrowed my sister's copy, and scratched it, so i had to buy her a new one. and i kept the scratched one. you could say i was a closet fan. i really like to sing, and they had good singing music. i thought. then in college, i discovered bohemian rhapsody. um. anyway. the fact that the timing of the music and the video don't line up...only adds to the viewing experience for this one.

the music group "three strand" is so obscure, they don't have any music on youtube.

and watermark! i'm keeping some of them on itunes. she has such a beautiful voice. i remember longing to sing like her. i remember singing this song...hundreds of times.

and this is not music, but it is something youtube recommended i watch. i have no idea why. this guy is annoying, but the facts...are so interesting. thanks youtube!

i need to go pack my sombrero now...

F.

2010-03-23T20:20:00.000-07:00

i'm behind schedule.

i was supposed to finish packing today, and organize my boxes and furniture to make moving easier. but then my foot fell off*. it makes things like taking the trash out...a lot harder. and moving things around.

i wanted to take a load of things to goodwill or salvation army, but i can't really carry anything. especially not down stairs. it's not even all boxed up yet, like it was supposed to be.

i was so excited to have all the piles ready. boxes here, shelves there, donations there. i like piles. i like organization.

it is so unfortunate that i'm due to register my new car at the same time i'm moving. the expiration date for my current registration is march 31st. i don't know if that matters, since i'm transferring it to a new car. i'm sure it does. but i had to wait until i moved, so i could have paperwork with my new address. i have to get my oil changed ($25 if i'm lucky) so i can get the emissions tested. i'm not even sure how much all of that is going to cost, since it's a new registration. and i'll have to transfer the title to me, and pay tax on it.

my norton subscription had to be renewed today. goodbye $60.

i say i'm overwhelmed, but that's not really true. i've been overwhelmed before. this ain't it. this is just annoyance. kinks in the plan. stuff to be ironed out. you know, whatever those phrases are.

*i got this major blister on the bottom of my foot after a couple miles when i walked on saturday, for the half-marathon training. i walked another 5 miles, because i'm stubborn. i think that because of how i compensated, i messed up my ankle. or heel. or both. because it hurts pretty bad when i walk. i have crutches now, though. i borrowed them from someone. crutches! can you believe that. i watched a youtube tutorial on how to use them.

purge.

2010-03-22T16:04:00.001-07:00

i'm still going through my old music.

when i was in high school i went through a phase where i would talk about how terrible boys are.

even though inside i loved them, loved them, loved them.

anyway. it was a phase. it happened.

now i don't think boys are terrible. and i for sure don't talk about them being jerks. i know some good men. this one guy i knew in college used to say "it's true that all guys are jerks, but all girls are crazy."

fair. fair enough.

a band i'm ashamed to admit i used to listen to wrote this little tune about that very topic.

i remember listening to that over and over thinking "is this true?" it turns out that it IS. they grow up oh, so well. but that doesn't mean they'll ask you out.

it's so interesting to listen to this music NOW. now that i know "where i ended up" in my mid- (to late, holy crap!) twenties.. i had so many questions about what life and relationships would look like at this point. i remember everything i wondered about. everything i felt.

oh, little allison.

you should have snuck out of the house at least once. i can't believe you got grounded for not doing laundry, and that was the extent of your rebellion.

this is not thought-provoking or laughable, i just wanted to drive home the point that i listened to A LOT of random christian artists you've NEVER HEARD OF.

and this is not embarrassing, or funny. this is my favorite band. always will be. don't care if you laugh. i would pee my pants if i could see them live again. a month or so ago i passed up the opportunity to see ben sollee, to see a different show with friends. that would never, ever happen if the orange county supertones were playing. i would go by myself. i would pay any price. i would stay up late.

i feel 16 again watching this video.

timeless.

gush.

2010-03-21T17:55:00.000-07:00

too much going on. too much on my mind. too hard to avoid it all.

can we please talk about how beautiful and adorable my niece is?

that has to be the best smile you've ever seen. has to be.

WRA

2010-03-19T14:55:00.000-07:00

i was not planning on getting rid of any of my CDs during this move.

dozens of CDS from my middle school and high school years.

but at some point i decided it's silly to keep them. i never listen to them. i don't think this statement is going to make sense to anyone, but my feelings are trapped in them. one listen to any of those songs instantly takes me back to all the time spent listening to them, and i can remember exactly what i thought and felt. vividly. i can remember the hopes and dreams i used to have. the fears and insecurities. it's all tied up in the music, for me.

but i don't want to be a person who has a bunch of "stuff" sitting around. i do not need all of this stuff. i sorted through them. i am getting rid of half of my CDs. it. feels. weird.

let's move on to the funny.

when y'all find music from your past, there's probably not too much shame involved. i imagine you listened to michael jackson or something. that's cool, you know.

this, however, is not.

shiver.

let's erase that from your memory.

sorry, boys.

2010-03-17T17:54:00.000-07:00

but i love, love, love this commercial.

dunder mifflin, this is pam.

2010-03-17T14:42:00.000-07:00

a few weeks ago...

me: how far in advance do i need to give you my new address, so it will be on my paycheck, so i can use that as a "proof of residency" to register my new car?
my boss: oh just a week before! just a week!

last night's staff meeting...

my boss: let's play a game! you draw a question out of the bag, and then answer it! this is so fun!
a coworker: what makes me angry? hmm. ok. miscommunication. or bad communication. that makes me really angry.
everyone else: *heads nodding* yeah, seriously.

this morning....

me: here's my new address, so it will show up on next week's paycheck.
my boss: well, i'll try. things don't usually go through that fast.

pros.

2010-03-15T19:48:00.000-07:00

reasons i am excited to move:

- i don't know what you call the street i live on now. a highway? i don't know. i call it the bane of my existence. because it's so busy the traffic wakes me up before my alarm, every morning.

- i won't have to sit in traffic to go to Bible study, or other things that happen at night in that part of town. i'm really not that far from east nashville, unless it's between 5 and 6:30pm. then it takes me 7 years to get there.

- my bedroom floor is wooden. i have never had a wood floor. how charming. i might not be able to resist stomping around on it for the first few days.

- my room is small. that sounds like a con. it is not. i think it's so cozy and adorable.

- i get to live in east nashville! with the stores and the restaurants and the people and the sidewalks and the children running around.

reasons i am saddish to move:

- the memories in this apartment.

love you, always.

- the saloon doors in my bathroom.

that would be...it.

shame.

2010-03-13T20:05:00.000-08:00

the worst of the packing, i think, is over.

at least in terms of absurdity. i've finished with my closet. which is where i apparently stored 7 trash bags full of JUNK. i cannot believe the things i kept in there, just sitting in boxes. what did i think i was going to do with this stuff??

- a pregnany test from a white elephant party. sure, it was funny. but why did i keep it?

- artifacts from when i was a children's ministry intern. pictures that were colored for me, and samples of the brochures and posters i created.

- receipts. from like, my entire life.

- posters of bands. i threw out 20 or so. did i think i was going to hang those up again? plastering your walls with posters is cool when you're 19. not so much when you're 26. and, ok, so maybe i kept 5 or 6. the ones that were my favorites. i can see myself sharing that music with future generations and giving them the posters. passing them on. i think that's charming. if my parents had given me old music posters i would have peed my pants. or i could frame a couple of them, like an adult.

this is the problem, isn't it.

- a little dry erase board from my college dorm days. why. why. why did i keep that. to hang on my front door for neighbors to leave me notes? aw. maybe i will. just kidding.

- so. many. movie. ticket. stubs.

- an easter snow globe. i am not going to be that old lady. but i guess i was heading there before tonight.

- i've discussed the notes from my college days.

- and the braces. which i am keeping. because it's funny.

old habits die hard?

b-e-l-m-o-n-t, grrrrrr.

2010-03-13T16:59:00.000-08:00

i started packing today.

i already knew i'd be bagging up several items to donate. old clothes that are still in good condition, a box full of picture frames i never use anymore. i expected to find those things stuffed in my closet, taking up unnecessary space.

i have found some things i forgot about.

like my braces. from when i was 12.

i've found a lot of stuff that needs to be thrown out, and i know that, but it's still hard. there's absolutely no reason for me to keep binders full of notes from college. i have no idea why perusing them makes me emotional.

i laughed when i found my sociology papers. thats right, i kept the papers too. STEPNICK. i turned my professor's name into an epithet. i hated that class. which is funny, because i love sociology now. but it also funny to read the notes because i forgot how bold i was in that class. i guess the first assignment was a list of questions that we had to answer. and one of them was about WebCT, belmont's innovative intranet discussion boards. at least they felt it was innovative. i felt it was a joke, and a waste of time. and most of that first paper was about that. i was basically like "if you feel that forcing us to answer questions on a discussion board will produce honest thoughts and natural dialogue, i disagree, but i'll do it because you tell us to." phrased in lots of creative ways. STEPNICK.

anyway.

i guess for one class we had to write down our long-term goals. and i remembered, as i read them again, that i didn't desire a single one of them. i was just writing down what i felt like i should aim for. so weird. the last goal was actually "live in Texas until i die." heh. i think my family thinks that's still my goal...i haven't quite had the heart to tell them...no...

on a different sheet of paper, i found some short-term goals.

1) graduate in august with honors, magna cum laude.

i settled for cum laude, but still feel proud.

2) find a real job

i have adjusted my definition of "real." so...done.

3) go to brazil to visit my sponsored child.

still a goal, but more long-term now.

4) write a song.

have absolutely no desire to do such a thing anymore. although i did find a journal of when i used to attempt it, way back in 2003. gross.

5) pay off student loans.

laughable!

i can't put my finger on why i have held onto these things, and why i want to still. they're in a pile of trash right now, where they should be. i kept my first planner, and my first notebook full of notes, and a few things like that. but not much else. and i want to cry! i'm not going to. it's just...there.

who knew i had such silly idols sitting in my closet? notes and tests. matching folders and notebooks. maybe it's because they're tangible, unlike my memories. and putting my hands on them takes me back. i don't just have to remember, i can see.

i found a journal from high school, too. oh boy, was i a mess. i was also incredibly full of hope. part of me wants to give my old self a realistic slap in the face, but the other part of me says...maybe you were better off that way. slightly insane, though.

i don't know what assignment this is for, it was just a stray piece of notebook paper from my Christian Doctrine class. dated 3/30/06. almost four years ago. right before i graduated.

There is no lasting peace outside of Christianity. Peace is really important to me. How am I going to find a job in the music industry if no one is ever hiring? How will I pay off my debt without a "real" job? What do people think of me? Why do boys like other girls better than me? Where am I going to live when I graduate? What will I do when my very old car dies since I have no money? Where should I look for a job - what state?*

Peace.

Whom have I in Heaven but You?
And earth has nothing I desire besides You.
My flesh and my heart may fail
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
...
But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge,
I will tell of all Your deeds.
- Psalm 73: 25-26, 28

ahhh, change. your winds are blowing again.

*music industry, shmusic industry.

my debt owns me, i've accepted it.

my narcissism handles this one some days, but people do like me.

just not like that.

HERE.

provided for.

right here.

babysitter FAIL.

2010-03-10T19:02:00.001-08:00

every now and then i get called to babysit for this one neighborhood group at my church, whenever their regular person can't do it.

i don't know who she is, but she has a bit of a mess to clean up next week.

every single time i watch them, the kids beg me to tell stories that they can act out. as brilliant, witty, hilarious, clever, and creative as i am...i am not good at making stories up on the spot.

they demanded a tale involving a castle, a princess, adam and eve, a monster, and spiderman.

this is how it almost went.

me: once upon a time, a princess lived in a castle. it was a very big castle, with many rooms. she could play in her room, in the library, in the toy room, even in the king's room. in adam and eve's room. in spiderman's room...but there was one room she was not allowed to play in. the secret room. one day when she was exploring the castle, she heard a very strange noise coming from the secret room. she went up to the door to listen, heard some sort of animal, knocked on the door, and..."

one of the children: don't go in the secret room! DON'T GO IN THE SECRET ROOM!!!!

yeah...

i accidentally scared the crap out of them...

yack.

2010-03-09T19:38:00.000-08:00

i haven't been blogging as much lately.

quick updates:

- i am walking the half-marathon in april.

!

it's fun to have specific goals for each week. 4 miles here. 9 miles there.

- i just started reading "the art of war" by sun tzu. i know it's probably wrong to be impressed with myself, but i so am.

- i've gotten to hear lots of live music lately. the best kind of music.

- i'm moving soon. i'm going to live with another human being again. i hope i don't act like an animal.

- today i had to tell a kid in my class not to chew on someone else's jacket. yeah. never had to go there before.

- i had my first real conversation with my niece on the phone! i've tried before, but she just stares at the phone. she jabbered a lot this time! a couple times i didn't understand one little syllable, but my sister would say that she was trying to tell me a story about something that happened to her that day. how cute is that. and one time i made her laugh. and one time she called me Jesus. and she can count and say her ABC's. and there's a baby in her mommy's tummy. that makes 2 nieces for me! i feel so lucky. it's such a delight to love kailey.

- its 10pm. my blogging law forbids me from saying anything else.

spidey sense.

2010-03-04T14:50:00.000-08:00

i think i've mentioned that i read glenn greenwald, on salon.com. a political blogger. he's made a couple statements in the past few days that i really like...

one post was about how there are lawyers in our country stepping up to represent people accused of terrorism or being terrorists in our country, and it damages their careers and reputations. they do it because "we" (this country) boast of our sense of justice and everyone's right to a fair trial, and they actually believe that.

"We all have a tendency to look back on shameful events in our nation's history -- slavery, the internment of Japanese-Americans, the McCarthyite witch hunts -- and like to believe that we would have been on the right side of those conflicts and would have vigorously opposed those responsible for the wrongs. Here we have real, live, contemporary McCarthyites in our midst -- Liz Cheney and Bill Kristol -- launching a repulsive smear campaign, and we'll see what the reaction is and how they're treated by our political and media elites."

that thought can apply to so many things. how do we feel about accused (please note the emphasis) terrorists getting a chance to present their case (because there is no evidence against a lot of them)? but also...what do we do about sex trafficking? childhood slavery? will we look back and be proud of where we stood and what action we took? or be ashamed because we pretended it wasn't happening, or because we were biased and prejudiced?

and:

"There are many legitimate ways to measure Craziness; the extent to which one deviates from the orthodoxies of the political establishment is most assuredly not one of them. If anything, given the character and record of the American political establishment, such deviation is a necessary (though not sufficient) condition for actual sanity."

i know i've mentioned that i voted third party in the presidential election, and i feel better about that decision every time i think about it. i'm not crazy! and neither is the guy i voted for.

and here's a fun quote from the federalist papers:

pause. who am i?? reading political blogs, reading the federalist papers...i feel like i'm too ridiculous to care about these things. it seems like i shouldn't be allowed to even speak of them. one time i wrote an ode to nyquil in haiku form. and now i'm quoting alexander hamilton. anyway...

"Necessity, especially in politics, often occasions false hopes, false reasonings, and a system of measures correspondingly erroneous."

i see that. people try to make change in our nation and government because that change really needs to be made. but without an appropriate amount of consideration...well. we'll see, won't we.

month 8.

2010-02-27T08:36:00.001-08:00

i'm reading jane eyre. i'm not done with it yet. but elizabeth bennett of pride and prejudice now has a rival for a character in a book i most relate to.

there's this vicious pattern in my life that always lasts 7 months. it even takes place in about the same 7 months of the year.

some quotes.

When once more alone, I reviewed the information I had got; looked into my heart, examined its thoughts and feelings, and endeavoured to bring back with a strict hand such as had been straying through imagination's boundless and trackless waste, into the safe fold of common sense.

Arraigned at my own bar, Memory having given her evidence of the hopes, wishes, sentiments I had been cherishing since last night - of the general state of mind in which I had indulged for nearly a fortnight past; Reason having come forward and told, in her own quiet way, a plain, unvarnished tale, showing how I had rejected the real, and rapidly devoured the ideal; - I had pronounced judgement to this effect:...You gifted with the power of pleasing him? You of importance to him in any way? Go! your folly sickens me. And you have derived pleasure from occasional tokens of preference...How dared you? Poor stupid dupe! - Could not even self-interest make you wiser? You repeated to yourself this morning the brief scene of last night? - Cover your face and be ashamed! He said something in praise of your eyes, did he? Blind puppy! Open their bleared lids and look on your own accursed senselessness!...it is madness in all women to let a secret love kindle within them, which, if unreturned and unknown, must devour the life that feeds it.

Ere long, I had reason to congratulate myself on the course of wholesome discipline to which I had thus forced my feelings to submit: thanks to it, I was able to meet subsequent occurrences with a decent calm; which, had they found me unprepared, I should probably have been unequal to maintain, even externally.

I was actually permitting myself to experience a sickening sense of disappointment at his not returning to Thornfield yet; but rallying my wits, and recollecting my principles, I at once called my sensations to order; and it was wonderful how I got over the temporary blunder - how I cleared up the mistake of supposing Mr Rochester's movements a matter in which I had any cause to take a vital interest.

...I inevitably recall the moment when I last saw it; just after I had rendered him what he deemed an essential service, and he, holding my hand, and looking down on my face, surveyed me with eyes that revealed a heart full and eager to overflow; in whose emotions I had a part. How near had I approached him at that moment! What had occurred since, calculated to change his and my relative positions? Yet now, how distant, how far estranged we were! So far estranged, that I did not expect him to come and speak to me. I did not wonder, when, without looking at me, he took a seat at the other side of the room, and began conversing with some of the ladies.

I know I must conceal my sentiments: I must smother hope; I must remember that he cannot care much for me.

No; you shall tear yourself away, none shall help you: you shall yourself pluck out your right eye; yourself cut off your right hand: your heart shall be the victim, and you the priest to transfix it.

I will hold to the principles received by me when I was sane, and not mad - as I am now. Laws and principles are not for times when there is no temptation: they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigour; stringent are they; inviolate they shall be. If at my individual convenience I might break them, what would be their worth? They have a worth - so I have always believed; and if I cannot believe it now, it is because I am insane - quite insane...Preconceieved opinions, foregone determinations are all I have at this hour to stand by; there I plant my foot.

'It may be a candle in a house,' I then conjectured; 'but if so, I can never reach it. It is much too far away: and were it within a yard of me, what would it avail? I should but knock at the door to have it shut in my face.'

Reader, it is not pleasant to dwell on these details. Some say there is enjoyment in looking back to painful experience past; but at this day I can scarcely bear to review the times to which I allude...Let me condense now. I am sick of the subject.